Can you teach compassion ?

Melissa - posted on 11/10/2009

My son is only 1 and he does the same thing, he hurts our dog all the time. I have asked my husband to stop wrestling with him until we resolve the difference between hurt and play. Anytime he hits, I tell him that is bad (not the he is bad, but what he did), if he hits me again, I will cry, when he laughs at the fact that I am crying, I pick him up and put him in his playpen for a time out. When I place him in there I tell him, we don't hit, that is not nice. He has slowly started to come around, he will hug me now if I pretend to cry. He still picks on our dog, we are working on that. We are trying to completely cut out any sort of violence in our home. No guns, swords, no voilent television, no wrestling and if we need to punnish the dog we bring him upstairs (not that we hit our dog, but scold him for chewing thingsup). I hope this helps. Your son is old enough to talk to him also, ask him how he feels when he hurts someone. If the answer is disturbing, bring him to a child physcologist. You can try brilliant beginnings in Calgary.

Maggie - posted on 11/10/2009

If a behavior is modeled the child will learn it. I'd say they need to get him checked for autism as Jennifer said. If the parents aren't doing anything about it then there's not much anyone else can do.
It's not normal for kids to purposely harm or frighten people or animals. That's a learned behavior, too.

Ruth - posted on 11/10/2009

the behavior of a child stems from how the child is raised; who the child is raised by and how those people act towards other people/animals; if the child is raised by one or two loving parents and the child is taught to love other children/animals then they will; but if the child is raised in a hostile/fighting environment where the parent/guardians fight and treat other people/animals like punching bags then so will the child

Georgia - posted on 11/10/2009

Ok so here's the thing , Compassion is definitely something that is LEARNED as a child is coming up , all the hugs and kisses, usually when a baby/child falls and you kiss it they learn that when Mommy or Daddy or anyone shows me that gentle touch it makes me feel better. At the age of 6 he has had all the tools to know right from wrong and to know when he is hurting something , the parents need to get on the same page as a far as his behavior is concerned before it's completely out of hand. This is not typical boy behavior it's not typical behavior of a child to enjoy hurting or inflicting pain. My second point would be as for him being Autistic that could be a possibility, and if that's the case then the behavior was definitely taught , Autistic children mimic behavior and because they dont understand emotion hurting someone or something could be found funny to them...I hope this helps!

Jennifer - posted on 11/10/2009

Hello! Parents in denial!! This young man needs help and guidance now, he's already a bully and heading towards a lot worse.

Rachna - posted on 11/10/2009

I think that maybe he has seen this kind of behaviour or something similar ie harming somebody who is weaker to u done by some of his elder members & he thinks it is right.

Jessica - posted on 11/10/2009

Behaviour is rarely just one of nature or nurture - everything we do is a combination of both. E.g. a child with autism will not develop compassion on his own, but with appropriate behavioural therapy can be taught how to behave with other people and animals.

Carolee - posted on 11/10/2009

I think that everybody has the capacity for it, but some aren't taught how to use it. It's kind of like trust. If all you've learned is to be suspicious, you will need someone to help teach you what trust is and how to do it.

Yvonne - posted on 11/10/2009

I don't know the whole situation or the type of household that child lives in, but I believe it is taught behavior either inside or outside the home. Of course, we have personalty traits that are in our make-up. However, it could be what they have see and/or what has been allowed to continue. My question is how does the parent react when the child does it? Does she at like it's not happening or does she talk to the child?

Hayley - posted on 11/09/2009

Ohh kids will be kids, but that is to a point!! they are what we teach them to be.

Latania - posted on 11/09/2009

I think compassion can definitely be taught and it should start young. I do think sometimes that children react to what they see, other children, siblings, etc. but our role is to deal with it and some are a little bit harder at it than others. I absolutely don't think it should be let go while thinking they will grow out of it.

Laura - posted on 11/09/2009

i thnk it might be partly biological, and social, .. my husband and i are both laid back and nice lol.. we keep things pretty calm here but the boys are close in age 2 and1 now.. the 2 yr old takes care of 1 yr old lol.. they are both nice to others, and when theyre not, mostly the 2 yr old towards the 1 yr old rarely, he gets time out.. but they love to play with others..im also curious about the age of this child, he may have gotten away with too much too early.. i wouldnt jump to mental conclusions and such, he may just be a brat bc hes not kept on , as far as his behaviour

Sylvia - posted on 11/09/2009

Yes Jenn - a very good question, but as others have said, age is a big consideration in these issues. I can think of many social reasons for this type of behavior as well as at least 4 good biological reasons, but without a professional appraisal, it pretty much amounts to a duck shoot.
A behaviorist or child psychologist could give a more concrete hypothesis.
Jane Decety, Professor in Psychology and Psychiatry at the University of Chicago
ran an interesting experiment on the brains of boys who bully vs those who do not.
Quote: "Decety’s brain research project led to some noticeable results. As the brains of the non-aggressive boys watched the clips, the expected parts of the brains signaled that the boys felt empathy for the people in pain. When the brains of boys who had exhibited abusive behavior were scanned, their brains signaled empathy towards the pain, but their brain wiring associated that pain empathy with pleasure, in the reward centers of the brain.

This simple experiment leads brain researchers to believe that children who bully do not lack empathy. Instead bullies associate the pain of their victims as a positive feeling. These results suggest that the abusive behavior of bullies feeds their brains with a feeling of reward.

A larger sample is in order for more brain research to prove statistically conclusive, but testers noted a remarkable difference between the fMRI scans of the two groups in this small study. Bullies are empathetic but not in a way that causes remorse."

Read more: http://bullying.suite101.com/article.cfm...

Read more: http://bullying.suite101.com/article.cfm...


Food for thought.

Tonia - posted on 11/09/2009

I personally do not think that this is biological I think it sounds like social!
I believe everything a kid is or is not exposed to defines who they are.
This may sound stupid but alot of times I think its the kids that have "over loving" parents that have these issues (I don't really mean a parent should love less but how should I say CODDLE!) Really you ever see those kids at the store and their freaking out being brats usually the parent responds with "honey whats wrong". All kids have their days my kids have been little stinkers and had their moments. I strongly believe it is how the parent responds to their negative behavior though. Not punishing ignoring or over punishing are all harmful! Unless he is literally mentally handicapped I totally one hundred percent think a child not being empathetic is due to not having to be accountable for hurting someone. A lot of times people think it is a bad thing to watch a child suffer from guilt. Well I happen to think that if they have done something wrong that it is good to feel remourse! I do wonder though how old is he? That matters too. is he 2 (cuz than I would say it is more of terrible two's) if he is 5 he should no better and there should be concern not just from you but his mother. Its not like I think the mom is any sort of bad parent it is good to love and make your kids feel safe but they also need to feel accountable!

Andrea - posted on 11/09/2009

I have a two year old and sometimes heis the same way as you describe. So like a lot of other ladies have said it depends on their age. As with my two year old, he is learning to share...all they know is they want something and they will get it at any costs. They have to be told that sharing is good and hitting is not good.

Charlie - posted on 11/09/2009

Of course compassion and empathy are taught , by their parents , carers , peers .
How old is he ??
Maybe he is testing the grounds if he is still a toddler if he is a little older perhaps he should be assessed by a professional to see what the underlying issue is with this child .

Margaret - posted on 11/09/2009

Quoting Jennifer:

Can you teach compassion ?

This is more for a topic of discussion . I have a friend who's son seems to have no compassion/empathy. He has no problems hitting another child or scaring a dog walking by. Its not just a" boys will be boys" situation. He seems to be happy when he hurts someone.
I am wondering is it inherent or taught.....

Thoughts ??

How old is this child under discussion? How do the parents behave around him? Behaviour such as compassion and empathy are taught through the  observation of watching others around you! 

This also goes for behaviour of one's own peers too!

It could also be a sign of frustration as well as copying what he has either seen  others do to each other!

First off, you should mention your concerns to someone.

 I  would suggest the school matron who can raise your concerns with the Educational Welfare Officer. They will be able to take it from from therethrough observation of the  child in class as well as tthe playground, and with the suppport of the teachers, his behaviour once observed can then be modified through recorrection.

I would not howeve,r suggest to you that you should tackle the parents because  if they are aware of the situation they are as stymied as you are to know where to go for assiting their son.

Jennifer - posted on 11/09/2009

I guess it depends on how old he is, really. If he's still a toddler, it's reasonable that he's still learning how to relate to others. But if he's old enough that he should know better, she might want to have him see someone, just to make sure.

Magen - posted on 11/09/2009

You have to take an active role in teaching children compassion. I feel his parents should stop him when he does something hurtful and explain or show him how this hurts others. Some people natural empathize but some must be taught and the sooner the better. Most likely this child does not understand how malicious he is being if he does he may need counsiling. But he is probably just in need of a little education. Good luck.

Kourtney - posted on 11/09/2009

I think its both... But for the most part is MUST be taught.



Hope this helps

God Bless

Jennifer - posted on 11/09/2009

Hmm. Has she had him tested for an Autism Spectrum Disorder? Kids with autism can have trouble relating to others. They don't always see people as people like them "who can be hurt, and I wouldn't like to be hurt so I shouldn't do that."