Changed My Mind..Am I Wrong For It?

Amber - posted on 05/21/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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So, I'm still dealing with high, very dangerous, amounts of stress when it comes to my baby's father. When he originally left, I still wanted him a part of the pregnancy. Be at the doctor appointments, etc...but, after talking to some people, and most of them saying I can't force him to be there, I let it go. I stopped asking for him to be there for even just doctor appointments even though I still hoped he would.

The time came where he claimed to want to be there. Got upset that his girlfriend was invited to go but he knew nothing about it. The way I saw it was, if he was so interested in being at the doctor appointments, then why hadn't he called and asked when the first 2 were, even though I know he knew? So, even though at this point, I no longer wanted him a part of any of this, I ended up letting him go anyway, and it turned into this huge tension filled day.

I put my foot down the other night, and made it clear that he was not getting a say about anything to do with my pregnancy, or what happens once the baby is born until the paternity test he wants is cleared. He called me up screaming and yelling at me saying that my opinion doesn't matter,etc, just adding so much more stress. Anytime he's around, I end up with horrible stomach cramps, thrown into a panic attack, and crying for hours and sick.

I finally told him that I'm moving back to the other side of the river and I no longer wanted him at any of the doctor appointments, and that I wanted no contact from him until after the baby was born. That I can't keep taking his crap and the stress is not good on the baby and is putting it in danger, and it's causing my health to turn too. Am I in the wrong for telling him this? I never said he couldn't be a part of the childs life once it's born, I just no longer want him around or in contact with me until then.

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April - posted on 05/22/2010

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it's just temporary, so yes you can remove yourself and your unborn baby from the stress.

Connie - posted on 05/22/2010

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The stress can cost you the baby, think of you and the baby first. The baby can not fend for itself so you have to. He is a big boy and will deal with it. Good luck and God bless

Amber - posted on 05/21/2010

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Ashley - I'm only 17 weeks right now, getting in/out of a tub is still pretty easy :), I just don't like baths. I'm prone to UTI's for as long as I can remember, and I don't risk sitting in a bath for any time now.

I did tell him he could be around after the baby is born. I told him I wasn't sure where I stood on allowing him in the room once I go into labor, BUT..I am allowing his mother, or his sister, to be in the room with me. I've got stress with them too because they are afraid I'm going to take this one from them as well, like his first daughter was taken from them. Punish them for his wrong doings...I don't have it in me.

Breathing deeply is about all I do anymore, due to the panic/anxiety attacks. The stress level is just too much for it to have any helping effect to it.

Jackie - I'm standing firm on my decision. Granted, like I said, I do feel bad, guilty, whatever word would work right at this point. But, guilt or no, I have to protect the baby. I do know this.

I would try yoga, but my doctor has me on bed rest until further notice.

Tracy - There is no allowing him at appointments now, even if he does want to be there. The first, and as far as I'm concerned last, appointment he attended, was too much. The only reason I still kept in touch with him, is because we signed a 14 month lease and neither of us can get out of it. He moved under the agreement he was supposed to take care of bills/rent since I'm unable to work. I don't care about the consequences now, I'm breaking the lease on my end, and I'm moving. I never wanted him to support me in the beginning and in allowing him to do it now by keeping this roof over my head, makes it very difficult to avoid him. Especially when he's on the lease, there's legally nothing I can do right at this moment to keep him out. A restraining order is too harsh in my opinion at this moment because I do hold hope that he will come to his senses and handle all this better. But I do know I'm moving back to IL and getting out of here. I don't care what he does with the place, I'm just out.

As for his girlfriend being at the appointments...I invited her. She didn't ask, or hint around that she wanted to be there..etc. She has been nothing but great towards me, and been helping me...and I felt closer to her and more comfortable with her around than him. I wanted it to be just her and not him in truth.

Amy - Where I'm at they will do a cheek swab paternity test right after the baby is born..sometimes within a day or two, so we would know within a couple weeks at most. And it holds up in court. I don't know if I'm going to be able to breastfeed, I couldn't produce milk with my first born, and so far, this pregnancy is going just the same, only a little worse. So I fear that I may not be able to. I've already got what I want in the papers drawn up, I just have to wait until closer to the due date to file them. I want them in place as soon as the baby is born so that way there is no gap that can be taken advantage of.

You've all been a great help. I'll take each piece of advice where I can. I don't feel as bad now as I did. I talk to my doctor in a cople days and I'll see what he can suggest to help with everything as well...and I have to find a lawyer to help me start drawing up the papers I can now...and then the rest when needed. Guess I need to prepare for the good and bad circumstance in this case seeing as I have no idea which way it's going to go.

Sharon - posted on 05/21/2010

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Ok Anndriska is full of it. partly. my body is always mine. I share, happily & willingly with my expectant child. But I can think of a few unlikely situations where that would come to an end. I'd be sad but ultimately for the best.



But you did do the right thing. He has serious issues and is dangerously immature to call you screaming. I hope you change cell numbers, emails etc, leave a phone number for him to leave messages at, like your parents or a girlfriend who can screen them and relay only the salient information needed.



Ignore him and his drama. Enjoy your pregnancy!

Iridescent - posted on 05/21/2010

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You're not wrong. He made his choice, and he acts immature. Regardless of your behavior, his is not safe at this point. Stick with it. Once the baby is born, it'll be a few months before a paternity test is run, then another couple before court...he has no right to visitation until ordered by court. If breastfeeding, he cannot have the baby until weaned overnight. Even if formula feeding, he cannot have the baby overnight until at least a year if you push it. You have every right here.

TRACY - posted on 05/21/2010

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I agree stress is a huge problem during pregnancy,if the so called father wants to attend Dr.s appointments then all he needs to know is when and where,no need in having a long drawn out conversation if it always ends in a fight. It will be up to him then if he shows up or not,he can't blame anyone other than himself if he doesn't go. As for his girlfriend ,no way she has no business attending these appointments this is your pregnancy and you call the shots as to who goes.
The best way to control your stress level is to have as little as possible with this guy,there shouldn't be any need to talk to him other than at these appointments.Once you find out after the baby is born as to the father ,then you will need a lawyer to get a legal contract as to visitations and custody arrangements. If you don't have this in writing you are only asking for more trouble as he can take the child at any time and you have no legal ground to stand on as you are both equal parents at that time.ie: he takes the child for what you think is for a 1/2 day or even a full day then he doesn't return,there is nothing you or even the police can do as you have no legal contract!! I know this, as a friend of mine went through this a little over a year ago,if you think you have stress now just think about the stress you will have then!! It was not a fun time,it's beyond scary to think he could keep the child and you won't get him back until it goes to court!!! Protect yourself and your unborn child now and for the future!
You call the shots at this time so do what you have to do,even if it means talking to your Dr. and getting him/her to write you a letter stating that this is causing you great stress and is endangering your baby then you can go to the Police and get a restraining order if need be. You and the health of your baby is the most important prority now and if this so called DAD is really concerned then he would back off and stop causing you this stress! Good luck with this and remember keep your chin up and walk away when the first signs of irritability show up because it's only going to get worse not better!!!

Jackie - posted on 05/21/2010

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You've made a decision, so it's done now. Stick to it. Don't take the calls, don't answer the door, get a restraining order if you need to. It won't help anyone if you waffle back and forth. If he is the father, this may be the only time in your lives that you have full control. Use it to set you and your child on a positive path.

I also recommend yoga. With my first pregnancy I was having a lot of stress/trouble at work, and I found that yoga helped me feel stronger both physically and mentally, helped me bond with the baby, and allowed me to give myself peace.

Ashley - posted on 05/21/2010

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You clearly can not be around this man. This baby is growing inside of YOU not him, so if he cant behave and do whats best for his unborn child then you do. Tell him you'll call him when the baby is born but no sooner and you expect the same from him because you need to say calm and happy. To have a calm and happy baby. All this stress WILL effect it. Its amazing how much a baby will feed off of your emotions while in the womb and out. You need to shake this man out of your life for the next few months. Take a nice bath (If you can still manage to get in and out of a tub) light some nice smelling candles and read or listen to some calming music. Breath deaply, this is good for you and for the baby. Give it some of the oxigen it needs and was deprived of while this man was makeing you so upset. I feel for you sweety. I hope you get through this.

Amber - posted on 05/21/2010

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Ok. This helps...I'm just tired of feeling as if maybe I was in the wrong and made the decision a bit irrationally. But, just the amounts of stress...I wake up in full blown panic attacks every morning.and have about 1 or 2 more throughout the day..and I can't take it anymore. I felt horrible when the words were said..because, he wasn't allowed anything to do with his first child either and I know how much that hurt him, but I just wonder if she did it for similar reasons. I've never met her, and only had heard his side, and his family/friends side.

But what am I to do when my stress levels are so freaking high, that they are dangerous even for me? It would take an idiot to not think that it's worse on the baby. I still can't help but feel bad though..and it's just causing more stress, in a different way.

Anndriska - posted on 05/21/2010

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When a woman become pregnant, it is no longer her body but the baby's body. No matter what happens or happened between you and the father or anyone else, if there is stress in the relationship or friendship, you as the pregnant woman needs to step away from it and look after your baby. Keep all sorts of stress away from you so moving away from the father is necessary if you want your child to live and be a healthy baby. A life without stress is what you need now, nothing else.

Meagan - posted on 05/21/2010

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You need to do what is healthiest for you and the baby! And you are right, Stress is HORRIBLE for the baby! Good luck and keep loving that little bundle inside of you!

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