Children VS Husband....

Erinn - posted on 04/22/2009 ( 21 moms have responded )

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I was just curious of what everyone's opinion of this....what do you do when your children need you and your husband needs you at the same time?? I believe my children need me more right now since they're still soo young, but I wanna make sure I don't totally forget about my hubby at the same time. To me, my children are at the top of my list, but being a christian I was always taught that once you get married your husband should be at the top of the list! What are your thoughts on this??

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Ashley - posted on 04/23/2009

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Your relationship with your husband should always come first. If you don't keep that intact then it could fall apart and the best thing your children can have is both you and him happy together. It's hard at times to do this because you feel your children need you but you have to make a conscious effort to keep your marriage healthy otherwise the family could fall apart and the children will suffer the most.

Tara - posted on 04/22/2009

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Your kids are still quite small, so there will be times when they do have to take priority, simply because they aren't able to take care of themselves. I do think that it's important to take time to be with your husband too. My husband and I try to reconnect at the beginning and end of the day when our daughter (13 months) is asleep. We're at the point now where we're thinking about doing a "date night" periodically since our daughter is comfortable with someone else looking after her for a couple of hours now. We're expecting our 2nd child in September so it will be harder to do that, but it's really about balancing everything. Plus, it's important to remember that if you aren't doing things to take care of yourself, you don't do anyone any good, least of all your husband and children.

Jeanne - posted on 04/22/2009

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As you said the children come first because they cannot do things for themselves right now. Your husband being an adult should understand this as well. If you think he is feeling left out, ask him about it and maybe you two could work as a team to get the childrens needs taken care of first so that you can then take care of your husbands needs. Now if he says everything is fine and he understands.....then don't worry about it as he is an adult and he can do things for himself as well.

Jolene - posted on 04/22/2009

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It's all about balance. Your children should come first, but always to a certain extent. Make sure you two are still spending time together when the kids go to bed, or arrange a babysitter every so often so you two can go out and do something with eachother.

Bonnie - posted on 04/22/2009

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Yes the bible does say for you to honour your husband and that he is the head of the household but it also says that he is to honour you, respect you and fully consider your opinion. People just tend to forget or neglect that bit. A great deal of men have got away with so very much by completely neglecting their role in the second part of this equation. There is plenty of examples of such hypocricy in the what the bible actually says and what people choose to quote.

Emily - posted on 04/22/2009

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I think it depends. For the most part a husband has the capacity to understand that you are busy a young child doesn't. If you are talking to one party and the other interrupts obviously the one you were talking to deserves your attention regardless of who they are. That is just common courtesy. Of course, if you are helping your husband unload the dishwasher and your baby needs to be fed feed the baby! If you are helping your husband unload the dishwasher and your five year old wants you to read her a book now, well, she can wait three minutes no big deal. I'm not a Christian so I don't have any religious insights for you but regardless of what religion one is if you treat all members of the house with respect and use common sense when deciding whom to give your attention to depending on the situation.

Teresa - posted on 04/22/2009

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Your children, always come first and daddy needs to understand that, b/c he knows that their needs have to be met. Now on the other hand if they aren't in dier need of some thing you do need to spend time with hubby too. It is very hard to accomplish every thing that needs to be done and spend time with every one and you have to explain to everyone that you are only one person, and your needs are importaint too. Even if you just need to sit down and take a break, daddy can take care of the kids some too, then when the kids are taken care of and you aren't so tired you can spend time with your husband alone.

Joanna - posted on 04/22/2009

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They can all be made to feel important in your life and learn to share you! Your kids and husband require different things so it's a matter of balancing them and adapting your life to suit the ones you love. In my opinion kids should have all the love and attention they need but by 7pm at the latest they are in bed and it is adult time. Obviously there are nights that just doesn't happen but for 90% of the time that works for us. Make a special meal or get a sitter and go out or make sure you actually listen to your partner. Housework comes last! (within reason). Dont put ironing or particular chores before much needed time with loved ones. Most importantly, happy mother, happy household so look after yourself and you will have the energy and patience to look after everyone else. DON'T TRY TO BE SUPERWOMAN

Laura - posted on 04/22/2009

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My thoughts on this are to find the happy medium. I met a woman who's children had grown up and moved out and she was going through empty nest. She had realized taht she had put everything she had into rearing her girls and had forgotten about her husband. In the end, when her girls had moved out she and her husband had nothing in common anymore and they are divorcing. I love my children, would gladly die for them, but they will leave me in time and I plan on keeping my marriage together. Make time to be a wife.

Amanda - posted on 04/22/2009

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You can put them both second. You need to make sure that you are putting yourself first so that you can do what you need to for them. Take time through the day to spend with your babies, but do little things for your hubby too. Put a note in his briefcase/lunchbox/etc... so he gets it at work. Always put the kids to bed early so that you & your hubby have time to be together too. Another thing might be to have a 'date night' once a month or more to spend with just your hubby. NO KIDS! =) In the end, everyone will be first because you will have dedicated time to all of them, and yourself. It will make your relationship with your hubby better, and the kids need to learn as well that other people sometimes come first. It will be hard in the beginning, but trust me once you make time for you, the kids, and the hubby, life will be better! =)

Teyaka - posted on 04/22/2009

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I was raised to believe that children and hubby are "my" family, and then there's family. Thus the hubby and kids are on the same level and they both come first. As far as attention, the hubby can help you with the children. That way you can free up some time to help him. It also shows the children what a healthy and balanced relationship looks like. So, not only are you nurturing them, but you are teaching them at the same time.

Bethany - posted on 04/22/2009

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Quoting Sian:

For me - its children first every time. My relationship wth my children - 2 of whom are now grown up - has proved considerably more rewarding than my marriage to their father, which ended badly.
Its probably a middle-aged cynical viewpoint but children are for life - husbands are replaceable!


 



 



Children-centric families are one of the reasons why so many marriages fail.  Men feel shunted aside by their wives, find fulfilment in something or someone else;  wives feel abandoned and don't understand why their men are never around, and eventually it all breaks apart.  And, as a Christian, divorce should not be an option except for infidelity.

Bev - posted on 04/22/2009

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Your children are still babies....so they do need you first. That being said you do need to spend time with your hubby. I find dinner time very hard as he wants to talk about his day and the kids want to tell about theirs. We let the kids go first and then they have to listen to daddy's day. I here the main stuff from my hubby first and then he can wait till the kids go to bed and finish his time. Sometimes if I can get him to help makes time for us to chat. It's hard but you are a family and every one needs time for some attention. In our home we have no one to take the kids so we can spend some one on one time but if you do try and use that every now and then. Take a few minutes a day for just your self as well to refocus on your needs. Happy mommy and wife make a happy home! If you ever need to chat let me know. bevrankin@rogers.com

Bethany - posted on 04/22/2009

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Hi Erinn!
As Christians, our priorities in order should be: God, Husband, Children, Family, etc etc. That order of priority doesn't mean you spend more time with your husband than with your young children. Obviously the children need more of your time at this age, but your priority needs to be hubby.

Who you should pay attention to kind of depends on the situation. It is important not to neglect the children. But keep in mind that both Christian theology and secular psychology indicate that children raised in a home where mom and dad love each other more than the kids are happier, more secure, and have fewer problems. And they need to SEE in physical terms (hugging, cuddling, kissing...nothing crazy ;) that their parents are in love.

In our home, I am with my one-year-old daughter all day. When my husband is home, I make sure I spend time with him, talk to him, show affection, serve him (especially through food). :) Our daughter can play on her own or be with us as a family when he's here. Every day she gets time with daddy, and I leave the picture for a while. And we also show that we prioritize each other by having someone we trust watch her while we go out on a date. As often as possible. Our first date was when she was two weeks old. Unheard of for most people, but it is so important to keep your marriage alive and growing! Another way I show him I care is to send text messages to tell him I'm thinking of him at work or leave notes on the table and dinner out when he gets home late from his night job.

So, I guess, you husband is your priority, but your children take up most of your time. There are simple ways to make him still feel loved and important to you. It just takes a little effort every day.

Blessings,
Bethany

[deleted account]

For me - its children first every time. My relationship wth my children - 2 of whom are now grown up - has proved considerably more rewarding than my marriage to their father, which ended badly.

Its probably a middle-aged cynical viewpoint but children are for life - husbands are replaceable!

Emily - posted on 04/22/2009

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a healthy balance is all that is needed. Kids usually go to bed ~ 8pm so anytime after that should be when you focus solely on your mate and his.her needs. If that is not enough, then the spouse may need to find a way to help him/herself while you are busy with the kids

Kerry - posted on 04/22/2009

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It is a very tricky question because you have to be able to find that healthy balance between your kids and your aybe try getting your husband more involved with your time with the kids and then afterwards dedicate time to him - maybe make certain evenings in the week "us" time - cook a nice meal or sit down for a convo knowing that its not a night where you are going to be doing kids washing and bottle duties etc. good luck with it and hope that helps!



Kerry www.southwestmummies.co.uk

Andrea - posted on 04/22/2009

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Hi there...that's a tricky question, and while I don't know the exact "right" answer (if there is such a thing as one), what I've learned through all of our (my hubby & I) ups and downs is that you have to be willing to work together to balance both and not lose sight of each other and what brought you together to begin with. As a good Christian, remember that it's not just about one person being at the top of the list, but about learning how to make your faith and family (as a whole) at the top of the list. Talk to your hubby, let him know that your relationship is important to you, and maybe, what can he do to help with the kids so that the two of you can have more time for each other? Remember that a relationship takes two to work, not just you putting him and the kids first, because if you lose yourself by always putting everyone else first, then the whole family will suffer. Don't be afraid to ask for outside help from other family members or friends so that you and hubby can have one on one time, and also don't forget that the kids need both you and your hubby; maybe you can each have special "dates" one on one with each of your kids, even if only for a couple of hours. This way, everyone's needs are being validated without you feeling quite so overwhelmed. Now more than ever, our family has found that it's the little things that count for so much...reading stories together, working in the garden, going for a walk, or just sitting down together to discuss our days together and the baby's accomplishments. Best of luck...hope I gave you some food for thought. :0)

Michelle - posted on 04/22/2009

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It really all depends on the needs of each person. If your husn=band just got home and you have been with the kids all day and he wants to talk then give the kids something to play with for awhile and give him your atttention. It really is all about balance.

Maheen - posted on 04/22/2009

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I feel the kids do come first because they are more or less completely dependent on you. However, it is easy to sideline the hubby due to this way of thinking, so it would be nice to keep telling him and showing him as often as you can that he is important too. But guess who should be at the top of your list...you. Make some time for yourself, a happy mom equals a happy household.

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