christmas troubles with the family!

Chelle - posted on 10/30/2009 ( 17 moms have responded )

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every year i spend cristmas day at my dads with my family and my partner spends christmas at his mums house with his family.

now we have our daughter we decided that we would have our own little family christmas dinner at our house (this will be my daghters 1st xmas) just me my partner and our daughter.

we decided on this because we would rather upset both familes then only one.

because if my daughter goes with her dad to his family on xmas my parents will be upset and the same if she came with me to my parents.

we thought about spending a little time at each families but there houses are just too far away and it would meen that most of the day would be spent traveling not spending good quality family time.

so we want christmas at our house then the day after christmas we was going to do train jurneys to visit both the familys.



i told my mum the plan and she is being so non-understanding and just genraly not very nice about it.

we havent told my partners parents about our plan for christmas yet because we think she might act the same.

what shoud i do ? and how can i make my mum understand its just more fair on everyone if we spend it on our own at home.



sorry bit long, n probably a bit confusing.

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Kimberly - posted on 10/30/2009

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I would just invite them all to your house and if they don't want to come then they can't get mad at you for not giving them the opportunity to see her.

Tami - posted on 10/31/2009

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Our families are way too far apart for us to spend time with both on Christmas so we typically alternate. One family gets us for Thanksgiving and the other for Christmas. The next year we alternate and the family that had us for Thanksgiving gets us for Christmas and the other gets us for Thanksgiving. It has worked well for us. Another option would be to invite both families to your home for Christmas but that can be tricky if you have large families with lots of in-laws.



Good luck!

Isobel - posted on 10/30/2009

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my mom voluntarily took Boxing day every year, cause she got sick of the whole "this year one can come and the other cant blah blah blah) I think it's much nicer that way

Jodi - posted on 10/30/2009

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Quechelle, do both of your parents live too far away? I can understand how complex the situation gets once you have your own children (believe me, it gets worse if you are in a blended family, LOL). Is there anything stopping you having Christmas day with one family, and the day after Christmas with the other, and then alternating it each year? This is what we used to do when we were kids.

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Wendy - posted on 11/13/2009

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How about asking both families for Christmas day or Boxing Day to visit you then they get the gift of seeing your child open her presents. They will have to get used to you being a family and doing your own thing - its all about compromise and if they can't why should you. Being a grandparent myself I love going to see my kids and their kids often staying the night its brilliant and then they come to us for New Year. Please don't take on board emotional blackmail.
Wishing you the best Christmas ever,
Wendy

Crystal - posted on 11/13/2009

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We are inviting both sets of parents and close relatives to our place for brunch... you shouldnt have to travel much when you have an infant. If it's important to eveyone to spend Christmas with you and your new baby then they will find a way to understand that you have a new type of family and that you shouldnt have to feel rushed to be going here and there. As for the main dinners, we alternate. This year Christmas Eve dinner is with hubby's family, Boxing day dinner with mine. Next year it flips. We see each family each year, just not on Christmas Day. We want to enjoy our child and the excitement Christmas brings to the little ones!

Alison - posted on 11/13/2009

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Yikes! Your parents are acting like babies! I would refuse to visit them unless they promise not too complain about your decision.



My husband and I have agreed to alternate Christmases. We see both families every year, but alternate for Christmas day.

Tanya - posted on 11/13/2009

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I would think about how you want to go forward with every Christmas from now on, I have a "difficult" mother too when it comes to my inlaws, and quite frankly I am sick of it and flat out refuse to play stupid games b4 every bloody holiday birthday etc. My hubby and I spend way too much time trying to accomodate everyone when we should be accomodating OUR family! I got tired of 'make-up' dates and the stress associated with trying to make excuses for each others 'differences'. I finally had the nerve to put my foot down for the sake of my children I set a date invited everyone (yes its tight at times) told them when and where for whatever occasion was happening and if they showed up wonderful if THEY chose not to ah well I went about enjoying my children, my hubby and those who had got the sense, intelligence and MATURITY to get past it fot the sake of the kids. Someone has to stop this ridiculous cycle of petty differences, I spoke to my sister-in-law about this and we agreed we refuse to have our children do this themselves when they are eventually blessed enough to find the one they are meant to be with only to have to play idiotic games at times when family really matters.
I am sorry if this is a little harsh, it really does take alot of stress off especially between you and your partner. I am not saying it will be easy, and you have to be fully prepared for those that will not show up the first couple of times, which begs the question 'Who/what is this event about' and yes the answer to that person is NOT YOU. its about family love tollerence and being together I wish you luck with this, and know that you partner will stand beside you after all its you two against the world!

Teresa - posted on 10/31/2009

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I'm a mom and I do understand your dilemma. My daughter has teo girls and a new baby. She wants to have Christmas at her house because it is so much more easier for them. I have always had Christmas at my house. I do understand where you both are coming from. You have a family now. Explain to your family and his. Remind them how of how they felt when they wanted Christmas when they had started families. Why not try to have Christmas with your new one and partner and have both familyies come to your home that afternoon for christmas with them. Remind your families how the felt at Christmas when you and your partner was babies.

Maybe they will understand where you are comming from. Ask them to just remember back when......Good Luck

Jodi - posted on 10/30/2009

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Quoting Laura:

At my house (I like Jodi have a blended family...but in mine EVERYBODY is divorced)...here's where it gets complicated.



Same in my house Laura.  We have his, hers and ours.  Some of them are at one parent's house for Christmas, and some aren't, and now with one having her own car and her licence and a boyfriend, that changes it all over again!!.  And poor little Taylah, who wonders why the others get two Christmas's. Thats why have developed our own traditions.



But I do think it is important to have your own family traditions too.  There is nothing wrong with either having it at your house, or sharing it around, or having it a week early, a day early, a day late, etc.  Most of the extended family live a long distance away, so as a large family gathering, we only get there every second year, and spend the alternate year with my husband's family, just not on Christmas Day!  But the Christmas Spirit is still there - the love, the giving, and enjoyment of one another's company.   

Isobel - posted on 10/30/2009

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I know some families that go to one family's house every other year, I don't really like the idea because you never get to build a solid tradition of your own. At my house (I like Jodi have a blended family...but in mine EVERYBODY is divorced)...here's where it gets complicated.

The kids go to their dad's for Christmas Eve...My house Christmas Day...My boyfriend's parents for Christmas dinner...my mom's for boxing day dinner...then my dad's whenever we can get there cause he's far away.

It's busy but at least it's the same every year. I think it's sad that you and your partner have spent all of your Christmases apart for so long, AND that it's great that you have decided to break that tradition since you added to your family!

[deleted account]

What about trying to have a family Christmas the weekend before or the weekend after with one family, and then alternating the family that doesn't get the actual holiday the next year? With our family, it's actually easier to have Christmas with his family the weekend after, as he has only one sibling who has no wife or children and just his mom and dad to coordinate things with, whereas I have two brothers who are both married with their own children plus my mom and dad, so we'll probably just keep spending the weekend after with them and the weekend of with my parents.



Or if you both have small families, what about having them come to your house for a Christmas brunch and just having a big get together?

Jodi - posted on 10/30/2009

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Just hang in there. It does get easier as your family grows. These days, we never see our parents on Christmas Day (or hardly ever), and in fact, I am not seeing my family until mid-January I don't think. But no-one is overly fussed. We all have to do the best we can, and we kind of do the travel every second Christmas to see everyone. We see them at other time of the year, and we always make a phone call. But if it helps, I promise you, it gets easier. And it gets easier to stand your ground with your parents, too, in order to be able to do what is best for your own family.



There are times we don't see some of our own kids for Christmas (the blended family thing, some of it is alternate), and other times we have all of them. We just have our own little traditions, and make the most of what we have. Your mum will get used to it. Just refuse to get into an argument about it. Let her be angry, but don't get yourself involved in her anger. Do what you think is best.

[deleted account]

Sorry, but your Mum sounds like a b*tch. Seriously, you and your partner are a family now so you do what pleases you for Christmas. If it bothers them so much let them come to your place for Christmas otherwise let them get bent out of shape and you have a wonderful first Christmas with your precious child. Create the Christmas you want and begin your own family traditions. Your Mum needs to "grow up" and realise your life is not all about her as you are now a Mum. Good luck with it and hoping your little one has a magical first Christmas.

Chelle - posted on 10/30/2009

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we have thought about this but my mum isnt an easy woman. if she dosnt get what she wants (to spend xmas day with me & her grandkid) she will act up on it and get "very upset" and i think ether way one of the familys will be upset that christmas wasnt spent with them. thats why i think i want to spend it with just my partner and lilly. if i see both the families the day after xmas then they might complain less then id i went to one or the other.



infact only about a week ago i told my mum what i might be doing for xmas and she got quite angry. saying "im not happy, but do what you want!" and then she went on to say "just dont stand me up and go around his mums insted" so if i did do as you sugested then evert other year id be having to put up with an angry mummy lol

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