Clingy grandparents

Jane - posted on 12/13/2012

Hi guys, very new to this, ive tried bottling it all up just to keep the peace so i hope you dont mind if i have a slight rant on here...



My boyfriend and i had an amazing baby girl on 5th May 2012 and unfortunately she was later diagnosed with an undetected heart defect. We lived at Alderhey C H for 8 weeks whilst waiting for our house to go through. Cutting a very long story short we were discharged 11th June 2012. We collected the keys to our house the next day. The house needing a lot of work doing on it has really held us back on work, money and time so now my baby is 7months old and i am still living at my boyfriends parents house. Some days aren't so bad but other days are and now shes getting so big we are really needing to move out. I too feel like im not a proper mum as family members hear my baby cry and immediately come running in the bedroom to see what is going on. I am tryin my up most to be stay positive but its all getting a bit too much and we are still no where near able to move in to our house. Thanks for listening guys x

Completelyunderstand - posted on 09/08/2012

I completely understand what you are going through. You can't really expect your partner to stick up for you because they usually will not see the issue. If you are still having problems you are going to have to tell the grandparents. This strife has been a major issue in my former relationship, and is one of the reasons we broke up.

Paula - posted on 06/28/2011

Their house, their rules. If you want it your way, get out on yourn own and take care of your daughter yourself.

Alison - posted on 09/30/2010

First of all, don't worry about loosing the number 1 spot, no one can take that away from you. And I really don't agree that no one else should be holding your baby. Until very recently, living with family was the norm. It is absolutely natural and healthy for a baby to have a close relationship with his grandparents.



Second, if the situation is not working for you, you need to move out. I assume they are helping you out, and if you are not happy with the help, then you need to take it on yourself to change the situation. Don't get caught up in the idea that your family is better than his - they are different, just like he is different from you. Accept them for who they are and be grateful that they were willing to take you in.

Aura - posted on 09/30/2010

How does your boyfriend feel about his parents reactions to the baby? If it doesn't bother him, then it unfortunately falls to your shoulders to tell them how you feel. PPD is a major problem in our society and I think one of the other posters was right, you have all the makings for it right here. Talk to your doctor, early childcare nurse, etc, etc. If lots of people know how you are feeling you are more likely to get the help you need to take care of this situation. Your BF's parents should be more understanding but we all know that's not the way the world works. However, if your doctor knows about this potential for PPD, he may speak to them anyway. That might take it off of your shoulders a little bit:)

Good luck and I hope you get what you need... your baby.

Linda - posted on 09/29/2010

You really need to get your own place,If this cant be done then you should sit your boyfriends parents down and explain how you feel, being a parent of six myself and also a nan of 3 grandchildren I can understand where your coming from let them know that although you would like some help sometimes you would also like to bond with your child and have some time for yourself your child and your boyfriend

PATRICIA - posted on 09/29/2010

I do feel for you and how hard it can be at the moment. Your child will not always be a baby and will grow up knowing that his mum, dad and grandparents love her very much. Things will change when you get your own place. You can also gently remind his parents that you and your boyfriend are the parents and would love to have their input when you feel its needed.

Amanda - posted on 09/29/2010

I think it's best to first sit down with your bf and explain to him how you feel. Once he understands and you can be a united front it will be easier to sit down and have a talk with his parents ... both of you. Sometimes grandparents are just so excited about a new baby that they don't remember what it was like when they brought their children home. Being angry or rude with them doesn't always help since they are usually just trying to be helpful (even if it feels like the complete opposite to you). I didn't have to live with my mom when my son was that little but we came to visit them for a month and she tried taking over everything. I had to tell her that, while I didn't mind letting her take over now and then for a little while so I could have a break, I was still his mommy and it was my job. I do think that moving out as soon as you can would be best for all, but hopefully sitting down with them and having a civil talk about how you feel will smooth things out. Best of luck!!

Sneaky - posted on 09/27/2010

You are a new mum, you are adjusting to having all your baby hormones turned off, and the extra stress of this living situation is making you a candidate for post natal depression as well.

Look, I am a pretty blunt person. I don't waste time beating around the bush, not if I can be spending time with my babies instead, so I would tell them off. And if telling them off involved me screaming at them (in front of my b/f) that they have made it too difficult for me to live there anymore and I was moving back in with my mother then so be it.

I am not suggesting that screaming at them will solve anything (usually it doesn't) but the bottom line is that this is about your baby. Your baby can not be happy unless her mum is happy. You are unhappy. And if your b/f is not man enough to step up and speak to his parents then, even though it really sucks and it IS his responsibility, YOU will have to be the one to deal with it and find your happy place. If telling them off and screaming at them to get the hell away from your baby brings the situation to a head, if it gives your b/f a kick up the backside or if it brings you even a moment of peace, confidence in your mothering or happiness for you then do it. You deserve it because you ARE a good mother and you do deserve to be happy.

As an aside (and I am not writing this to make you more paranoid) I have read (and I can't remember where of course) that babies, particularity newborns, should NEVER be held by anyone but their mum and dad, because at that age they are not really visual creatures and they depend on smell to help identify who mum and dad are - that is why leaving a shirt that you have worn with bub if you have to go out can help calm an upset bub. As I said, I a not saying this to upset you more, my idea is that you might be able to do some research into this idea (and maybe some attachment parenting techniques - I am not too familiar with them because I am not an attachment parenting parent) and see if there is anything you can use, so you can say "look it's been scientifically proven that . . ." or "this is the style of parenting I prefer", anything to get them to back off .

I guess my last piece of advice would be to tell EVERYONE how you feel. Tell your doctor, your early child care nurses, your family and friends. You need the support and hopefully the doctor and the early child care nurse can help you come up with more excuses for you to give to your b/f's parents to get them to back off.

Good Luck!!!!! I know that you can get through this!

Michelle - posted on 09/27/2010

I agree with Jennifer don't take baby away from dad, tell him how you feel and hopefully your mom is willing to have him come live with you there until you find a place. In the end though you are still going to have to have a family meeting with his parents in order to deal with this problem. good luck to you

Rachael - posted on 09/26/2010

moving out is the best thing. your relationship with your daughter is more important than your relationship with your bf and he shoyuld be more understanding as to how you feel and should definitely have been the one to approach them before. try talking to your bf and explaining why you left and how you are feeling and why and then get him to talk to his parents about the situation. if that doesn't work then either move out with your bf or stay with your parents by yourself (with your daughter) and work out visitation with your bf. but you can't stay in their house if they are going to be like that. my parents, well my mom, was also very clingy with our son and we moved about half an hour away and that seems to have helped

Jennifer - posted on 09/26/2010

Is it possible that your boyfriend live with you at your mom's house?

Jennifer - posted on 09/26/2010

You definately need to discuss this as a family and preferably get a place of your own ASAP that way you will have your own space.

Destinee - posted on 09/26/2010

wow well i think you should try a family meeting... lay everything out on the table exactly how you feel and see how they react because you need to be able to have time with your baby and not feel them hovering.