Closer together or farther apart

Rebecca - posted on 11/30/2009

Thanks to all the ladies who shared their stories, it's great to hear both sides, looking forward to hopefully hearing more! Appreciate all the support, gives me lots to think about!

Rebecca - posted on 11/30/2009

Quoting Ingrid:

The most important thing is not to introduce a new child during the firsts 2nd year from 2 - 3 years old. There is too much happening in child development then.

Is there a place where you read this? If so can you please give me the name of the book or website, thanks!

Rebecca - posted on 11/30/2009

Quoting Donna:

Sharon, I don't think she is asking about age spacing primarily for the kids' relationship sake. While that may be part of her question, she's simply asked for our opinion.

Rebecca, I have 2 kids who are about 2 years apart and I would have to agree with Ashley. If I had it to do over again, I'd have done 3 years apart instead of 2. When we decided to try for #2, we thought 2 years was a good amount of time, however after our youngest was born I struggled with having a toddler and infant. My eldest was toilet trained at 2, so having two in nappies wasn't so much an issue for me.

The workload felt like it tripled instead of doubled. We have no family to help and my husband works 10 hour days, so it all fell onto my shoulders. I averaged maybe 2 hours of sleep a night, because when the baby woke up it would wake my older son, so I was going back and forth most of the night for several weeks. My eldest didn't have a problem with jealousy, because I made sure to include him as much as I could as well as trying to spend at least a little bit of time just with him. But because he was 2, he still required a lot of infant type care, if you know what I mean.

If you have family or friends who can help, it really makes a HUGE difference. I fell ill at one point and my husband's aunt came to help out for a couple weeks. Just having someone around to lend a hand lessened the pressure I felt.

It's been a very difficult road for me, but now I see my boys playing together and it doesn't seem quite so bad. I'd suggest making a pro and con list, since your situation will play a big part in this decision. For me, if I'd have waited until my son was closer to 3, it would have been easier because he could understand a bit better and maybe I could have avoided some of the tears he shed when he couldn't sit on mummy's lap because the baby was feeding... and he would have more interests to keep himself occupied when I was feeding (such as colouring or drawing, etc).

All in all, it's your decision to make. It all does work out in the end... eventually.
Good luck!

P.S. I should note that I had a toddler and house to keep, but when the baby was a month old I'd gone back to work almost full time (from home). So beware not to bite off more than you can chew because it makes life so much harder, unnecessarily so.

Thank you for clarifying that, I felt very attacked by that comment and you just made me feel much better, I also really appreciate all you insight!

Alison - posted on 11/30/2009

My girls are about 23 months apart. Number two is almost 19 months and I have found it extremely exhausting, demanding and stressful. From the moment I got pregnant with #2 I questioned my decision.

However, I am sure that in a year or two I will be happy with the age difference.

Ultimately, it comes down to your own preferences and priorities, although you do not have total control over the situation either... Most often, I find parents are quite happy with their families however they end up. There are advantages and disadvantages in any situation.

Jay - posted on 11/30/2009

i have 4 kids each 2 year apart it was not planed that way but it work out i have 3 girl n 1 boy the 3 girl share most there close so that save me a lot of money they help each other n play together sometime it takes a lot out of me but they all in school now so it give me time to work on my career

Claire - posted on 11/30/2009

Hey I had my 2 teenagers close together there 14 and 15...and they helped each other grow up and now look out for each other all the time....I have just recently started a new relationship and now have a 2 yr old as well and would not recommend a huge age gap..even though his big brother n sister love him to bits....they get restless nights too which is not good for school days..xx

Ingrid - posted on 11/30/2009

The most important thing is not to introduce a new child during the firsts 2nd year from 2 - 3 years old. There is too much happening in child development then.

Brenda - posted on 11/30/2009

Hi Rebecca! I have both situations in my family...my children are 14, 13, 4 and 10 months...having the first two just 14 months apart was excellent because I wasn't going backwards - my first was still in diapers, eating baby food/finger food, I still had ALL my baby clothes and they were both boys so that made it even easier. Oh! And the best part was that my oldest had his nose "out of joint" about the new baby for only about a week to 10 days...then he pretty much forgot that he had been an only child and completely accepted the new baby! 9 years later we had our daughter....it was great having the boys so much older because they totally understood what was going on, they were old enough to help out a bit and now that she is 4 they are old enough to babysit (and they are still young enough to actually still want to!). The same goes for the baby...we did have a few jealousy issues with our daughter when her baby brother was born but it didn't take long for her to adjust...especially since we made a BIG fuss over her being the only little princess in our family, giving her special "girl attention" (painting her nails, taking her "shopping", "dates" with daddy...), and putting her into dance lessons (she is actually the only one in a regular weekly activity - the older boys decided against lessons but she doesn't realize that so it appears that she has something special).



In my opinion, it doesn't matter when you have the second (or third or fourth...), as long as the first (or subsequent children) doesn't have any valid reason for feeling replaced...meaning moms and dads need to take special time with the second, particularly if they are in the 2-4 year old range...they don't really understand at this age so it is harder for them to accept. Not that the older children won't feel replaced, they just have more developed coping mechanisms...they need special attention too.



Good luck on your decision! :D

Georgia - posted on 11/30/2009

Sharon, I don't think she is asking about age spacing primarily for the kids' relationship sake. While that may be part of her question, she's simply asked for our opinion.



Rebecca, I have 2 kids who are about 2 years apart and I would have to agree with Ashley. If I had it to do over again, I'd have done 3 years apart instead of 2. When we decided to try for #2, we thought 2 years was a good amount of time, however after our youngest was born I struggled with having a toddler and infant. My eldest was toilet trained at 2, so having two in nappies wasn't so much an issue for me.



The workload felt like it tripled instead of doubled. We have no family to help and my husband works 10 hour days, so it all fell onto my shoulders. I averaged maybe 2 hours of sleep a night, because when the baby woke up it would wake my older son, so I was going back and forth most of the night for several weeks. My eldest didn't have a problem with jealousy, because I made sure to include him as much as I could as well as trying to spend at least a little bit of time just with him. But because he was 2, he still required a lot of infant type care, if you know what I mean.



If you have family or friends who can help, it really makes a HUGE difference. I fell ill at one point and my husband's aunt came to help out for a couple weeks. Just having someone around to lend a hand lessened the pressure I felt.



It's been a very difficult road for me, but now I see my boys playing together and it doesn't seem quite so bad. I'd suggest making a pro and con list, since your situation will play a big part in this decision. For me, if I'd have waited until my son was closer to 3, it would have been easier because he could understand a bit better and maybe I could have avoided some of the tears he shed when he couldn't sit on mummy's lap because the baby was feeding... and he would have more interests to keep himself occupied when I was feeding (such as colouring or drawing, etc).



All in all, it's your decision to make. It all does work out in the end... eventually.

Good luck!



P.S. I should note that I had a toddler and house to keep, but when the baby was a month old I'd gone back to work almost full time (from home). So beware not to bite off more than you can chew because it makes life so much harder, unnecessarily so.

Debi - posted on 11/30/2009

I have two wonderful daughters that are almost 3 years a part my oldest was great with the baby when she came but I think it was because I let her be a part of everything when I was pregnant she went to the doctors saw the sonograms and even picked out the outfit she was going to wear home, and helped get diaper bag ready.. Just remember to include him into the babies life and it wont matter how old he is when you try.... I wanted mine to be in the elementary school together for a couple years so I planed mine that way.. Good luck and God bless

Lindsay - posted on 11/30/2009

My kids are 18 months apart and it has been great for us. There isn't the jealously of the older one that was so used to being an only child for so long. We did have 2 in diapers for a short while but beyond that, we still had all of our major baby gear from the first to use with the second. They are now 4 1/2 and 3 and are the best of friends (of course they fight too but any siblings will regardless of age difference). It was great for our family but to each his own....

Adriane - posted on 11/30/2009

I think it is completely up to you and your body. According to doctors they say a yr and a half to 2 yrs is the perfect "wait" time. Me personally I think its good to have them close together, so they can play together. Good luck!

Heather - posted on 11/30/2009

I have two that are only one year and five days apart. They are now 6 and 18 months, and it is getting easier as my youngest is now sitting up, and will soon begin crawling, so he will be able to interact more with my daughter. I feel having these two close together is best for our family in that, they will grow up together, be interested in the same types of things at the same time, and be relatively in the same stage. I felt it would be hard to wait until our oldest was a bit older, and then begin again, essentially, with a newborn. I was six years older than my sibling, and we get along great now, but it was VERY rough growing up. I helped my mom to an extent, but I was also very jealous, no matter how much my parents tried to set aside time for me only, etc. It was hard to get used to, and I was very bitter, but of course, all kids and personalities are different. It is a financial struggle, though, but we make it! If we all waited until we could afford to have children, we'd never have any! lol. Good luck coming to a decision and finding what is right for your family!

Brittany - posted on 11/30/2009

my boys are 15 months apart. i see good and bad in it. one thing that was hard was that my son was still a baby when he became the "big boy". and we dont get as much one on one time with either of them now, which sometimes makes me sad as they are both so young and hitting so many milestones. and of course the diapers get expensive. but on the other hand, they are already best friends. they can entertain each other, the younger is wearing all his brothers old clothes, and they will both be out of the house about the same time. : )

Michelle - posted on 11/30/2009

I have five children ranging in age from 6 to 19. My first two are four years apart. The oldest was very jealous of his younger brother when he was born and still is til this day. There are 6 years between my second born and my third born. I have to tell you that it is an awful large difference. It is like raising two different sets of children. Between my third and fourth children is 22-months. It is a pretty good difference. The third child was already into the terrible two's and ready to be potty trained however, they fight like cats and dogs. My last two are 16-months apart and they are so close it amazes me. I thought I was nuts when I found out I was pregnant so soon after having my fourth child but as it turns out it was the best thing for me. Having children to far apart is stressful but if you have them close together the stress is more manageable. I believe having children 18- to 24-months apart is ideal.



Good luck in your decision whatever you decide to do will be the right decision for you.

Michelle - posted on 11/30/2009

I have five children ranging in age from 6 to 19. My first two are four years apart. The oldest was very jealous of his younger brother when he was born and still is til this day. There are 6 years between my second born and my third born. I have to tell you that it is an awful large difference. It is like raising two different sets of children. Between my third and fourth children is 22-months. It is a pretty good difference. The third child was already into the terrible two's and ready to be potty trained however, they fight like cats and dogs. My last two are 16-months apart and they are so close it amazes me. I thought I was nuts when I found out I was pregnant so soon after having my fourth child but as it turns out it was the best thing for me. Having children to far apart is stressful but if you have them close together the stress is more manageable. I believe having children 18- to 24-months apart is ideal.



Good luck in your decision whatever you decide to do will be the right decision for you.

Ashley - posted on 11/30/2009

Hello, I myself have three children. They are about two years apart. I would recomend waiting untill the first is nearly out of diapers!!!. I Know this was a big issue at my house. To have two in diapers and bottlles / cups at the same time. I wish i would have done 3 yrs apart instead of 2. Also the oldest will be such a good helper with his new baby after about 3 years old. good luck and you will be blessed no matter the timing!!!!!

Jenn - posted on 11/30/2009

I really think that depends on you and how you guys handle stress, the financial obligation that comes with having 2 in diapers. I want more than one child but I know my limits, and having 2 children so young close in age. My sister have 2 girls, about 1 year apart and I see what a challenge it is not only physically and financially but emotionally to. So this decision is based on whether you an your husband/boyfriend are ready for another.

Alicia - posted on 11/30/2009

I have a daughter who is 7 and another who is almost 8 months, and it is great! My 7 year old helps tremendously, but I want to have another baby soon. I do wish that my 7 year old had another sibling closer in age to play with, but now she has friends that come over and play with her. It really depends on you. The reason I waited so long is because my 7 year olds father was worthless, and I knew that he would never be responsible enough to have any more children. I waited until I met the perfect man. I suggest going with your heart. Being a mom is the most rewarding job, and only you can know if you're ready to have more children.

Sharon - posted on 11/30/2009

Honestly I'm really irritated by these questions.



I don't think age spacing makes children closer or further apart in their relationships with one another. I think its the PARENTS who make the difference. If you have loving bonded parents then you have loving bonded children.



Then there are the kids who have only each other because their parents are fk heads who only wanted to shove the responsibility of entertaining the children on to someone else.

Brandy - posted on 11/30/2009

I waited until my daughter was five before I had my son. It worked out great because she understood what was going on and was able to help out more.