Cops at my door?

Kyle - posted on 07/14/2011 ( 140 moms have responded )

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I have a daughter that is 7 years old. She is great out in public, well mannered and mostly cooperative. BUT, when we get home it is like a whole different child. When she doesn't get what she wants or I tell her to do something she doesn't want to do then out comes a tantrum. and this is not just a small little whiny tantrum. This is a full out kicking screaming bloody murder tantrum. As soon as she starts I tell her to go to her room, which she mostly doesn't do. I end up having to carry her in her room. and if she keeps at it I will close the door. Now there is NO LOCK on her door or anything and sometimes I don't even close it all the way but once I start to close it or crack it she starts flipping out hysterically screaming "no, no, no", "open the door", "let me out", and kicking, stomping, hitting walls and throwing stuff. I have told her many times that if she keeps doing that then someone is going to call the cops and they are going to come here thinking we are hurting or abusing her and that they may try to take her away from mommy and daddy. This does not seem to bother her. I don't know what else to do. We live in a small third floor apartment and you can pretty much hear everything in this place, I can only imagine what our neighbors think. but I am more concerned about the day the cops show up to my door. any advice on this would be helpful. No she is not medicated, no I don't think she has ADD or ADHD or anything.

Thanks for the help

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Jenn - posted on 07/15/2011

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My own 7 yr old daughter tries to pull that sometimes. I send her to her room and the longer she yells and throws a fit, the longer her little behind can stay in her room! I won't give her the satisfaction of a reaction from me, which is what her tantrums are all about. I don't yell at her, I speak very low and even-toned, looking her in the eyes. When she has chilled out, we talk about her behavior and I give her a chance to explain herself. Then I take away a privilege for the day...if she begins another fit, back to her room once again and yet another privilege lost. She rarely behaves in such a way anymore. Nothing good came of it for her! Now if she is on the verge of a fit, I can merely lift my eyebrow and she rethinks her actions. If my daughter throws her stuff, I confiscate it!

Juliann - posted on 07/15/2011

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What I've learned being a Mom of 2 and now a professional nanny is...DON'T make idle threats. Always carry through what you say. Kids walk all over grown ups if allowed to. Remember who's the grown up here. Why is she sweet at school...because she knows she cannot get away with such behaviour.

Joan - posted on 07/14/2011

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Sounds like this kid has " figured out the adults" . A seven
year old has figured out the adults and that ISA lot. Of power for a child. . What about school??if it is an engineered tantrum on her part . She needs to know that you are the adults and from now on the behavior will not be tolerated and there will be consequences that you must follow through with. I would have a chat with the neighbours explain that their will be some noise and maybe a message to her thatshe will go and apologize to the neighbours. You might even want to set it up with a neighbour that they come to your door and play act a bit
i.e. This noise needs to stop or I will call the police.a child with this much power needs to be managed immediately . Diagnosis through school or pediatrician --- or the day will come you are dreading . Take the car keys take money from your wallet. Sometimes interrupting the pattern of behavior i. e. When a tantrum is noticed play it down and do something unpredictable to her . We are going for a walk------wanna come lot we are not putting up with a tantrum , but is there something we can do that is fun . Anything is worth a try. You are the boss. you train the children to treat you the way they do by tolerating it

Jennifer - posted on 07/15/2011

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The most effective way I've found of dealing with a situation like this is to follow the principles taught by Love and Logic (check it out online or buy the book - it's worth it). The principle is that the child needs to learn the natural consequences of her bad behavior. Don't yell or get upset when you need her to do something, just give her some options that are all acceptable to you and then be ready to follow through with some reasonable consequences when things go wrong (they always do). Be happy when she misbehaves – remember, this is a learning opportunity for her and a parenting opportunity for you! 

Example (you want her to clean her room): “You're room needs to be cleaned, would you like to do that now or in a half hour?” Being that she's a stubborn child, I'm guessing she's going to chose "in a half hour." In a half hour you remind her politely that a half hour has passed – maybe she goes and cleans her room; end of story. More likely, though, she throws a fit; you just say, "No problem. If you don't want to clean it, I will." And then proceed to clean the room. She’ll think she’s won the battle, but there’s a catch. There are two approaches that I like to follow with this: 1. Take everything you picked up with you (put them in a closet, in your room, on a high shelf – wherever she can’t access them). She can earn those things back by doing chores, keeping her room clean, whatever you want – the point is that she must earn it back. Or 2. After you have cleaned her room, inform her that you charge $__ (5, 10, whatever you want) every time you have to clean her room and ask her how she will be paying you for this. If she says, “I don’t know” calmly tell her she can think about it and let you know later. I promise you – she’ll be thinking about it. If she says, “I don’t have any money,” ask her what chores around the house she would like to do to pay you back for the effort you put out or what (beloved) toy she would think is a fair exchange to pay you for that service. Etc. Get creative…

Another very simple example: “Mom, I want to go play at Annie’s house! Can I go there?” “I’m sorry, I wish you could; only children with clean rooms get to play with their friends.” And then hold a firm line and do not let her do what she wants to do until her chores are done. It is important to be empathetic, but you must remain firm.

The best part about this approach is that you aren’t the bad guy – she’s choosing her own path – she will realize that her behavior caused a negative consequence in her life, not you. It’s simple, the process is calm – NO COPS! It gets her to think and helps her realize real-world consequence to her behavior. And thinking will help her prevent this behavior in the future, versus playing the punishment/reward game! Good luck and best wishes!

Katherine - posted on 07/14/2011

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Have you tried ignoring this behavior and just walking away? I mean like not saying a word, no eye contact, just plain old ignoring her.

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Marilyn - posted on 07/17/2011

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Hi Kyle,
I have two children and two SS aged 8, 6, 5 and 3. The tantrums certainly run rampant through here, and I absolutely do not abide by them. The first thing I did (mostly for the older kids, but works amazingly well with my 3-year old) was to create a "feeling box". It's a shoe box, wrapped in care-bear paper with a mailbox slot at the top. We spent 3 hours making several "feelings" or circular pieces of color-coded construction paper. I explained to the kids that their FEELINGS are always okay, but expressing severe anger in the form of a tantrum is not okay. So whatever the feeling, angry, sad, hurt, silly, excited etc...they go to the box, and write their name on it. If the feeling is severe, they bring the box to me or my husband, and tell us WHY they are having the feeling. Talking about it seems to help.

The tantrums mostly have subsided.

For the ones that don't, we tell the kids if they're going to act like toddlers, they will be treated like toddlers. Starting with earlier bed time and loss of some great privelieges... whatever they seem to adore the most is the first to go. It doesn't always work, but I can happily report that we can count days to weeks between how many tantrums we encounter from the kids combined, as opposed to how many hours.

I hope this helps! Good luck!

Gaynor-Marie - posted on 07/17/2011

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I know this might sound strange but even at that age school can be stressful. When we lived in california the behavioural and academic expectations were so high that my 6 year old daughter was stressed out. She developed a rash on her arms and burst into tears at every request we made, because after meeting the demands and expectations at school she was exhausted. We eased up on our demands for a couple of months. then we home schooled untill we left the Country. The skin cleared up and the tears dropped off to a shorter and infrequent. It may be that if the expectations at school where her out she really can't cope with your normal request.

TERESA - posted on 07/17/2011

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have you talked to her pediatrian? has anything changed .. in the house.. a new baby.. Ect. new friends at school.. sometimes a child will see another child do this at home and get their way .. they will try it .. as hard as it is sometimes to have to ingonore the bad behavor ,, as long as no one wil get hurt ..

Carol - posted on 07/17/2011

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Does she hurt herself or destroy things? If not, I think you have to let her ride the tantrum out. If she destroys her own toys, I'd just let them go one by one and WOULD NOT replace them. She'll get the message. Also, Every time you put her in her room you are showing that you have the upper hand. If you don't close the door when she begs you not to, she's won and she knows it. For a child who has extreme tantrums, winning a battle is like winning the war to them. As for the cops showing up at your door, as long as she doesn't have bruises or physical signs of abuse, I wouldn't be too concerned, but then there's always the nosey neighbor who will make a report, truly believing there is abuse going on.

I also wouldn't threaten her with being taken away, although I would probably be saying it with my teeth clenched and under my breath. in her little world, especially when in the midst of a tantrum, being apart from mom and dad because of an outsider's decision isn't a reality yet.

Have you discussed this with your pediatrician?

Heather - posted on 07/17/2011

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I would take her to see a child behaviorist/psycologist. We had to take our almost 4 year old son because he has similar issues. He is great in public, great at other people's homes, but when we are home, it's a whole other story. When she is at home, who else is around? Do you have other children that are younger than here? Is she the oldest? Sending her to her room isn't going to solve the issue. She needs to learn to control her temper, period. It isn't ok for her to be acting like this. But I feel that you and her need to seek some outside help and find someone for her to talk to about things. If she has other siblings, she may be feeling left out.

What kind of things is she getting in trouble for? Is it something really bad, or something that you could just have a little talk with her about? Maybe you too act differently towards her in public then you would at home too?

Are you giving her choices, or are you always telling her how it is and what you say goes, period, and that it that? My parents were like that, and it didn't work with me. I too would get upset and go to my room just to spite them. But I didn't throw tantrums like that.

Beth - posted on 07/17/2011

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I totally agree with those who have suggested Love and Logic! I have taken the class, used it with my own children when they were you and currently use it with behavior students that I work with and have been giving my daughter, who is double majoring in Elem. Ed and Early Childhood, some strategies of Love and Logic as she is working with students. If you chose to offer the option of doing a task 30 minutes later, for example, let her know up front what the consequences will be and use a timer! The timer then becomes the "bad guy" and not you. She can also see her time "ticking away". :) Good luck!

Misty - posted on 07/17/2011

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Hi my name is Misty, I just joined. My 4 year old son does that and has been diagnosed with "Disruptive Behavior Disorder". That was a new one in my lifetime, lol. His teachers at school have been really good about the redirecting thing but I'm with you on trying to redirect when your cleaning house, doing dishes, etc. Makes it really hard to drop everything. Something I've done a few times is record his tantrums on my cell phone video. Then, a he is in the middle of a tantrum I start playing it.Loudly. He stops and looks at me then comes over to see it. This immediately turns him from an outlandish screaming monster into a little curious bug and he tells me how bad his tantrum is and that he shouldn't do it. See if this works. Good luck.

Cathy - posted on 07/17/2011

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another good book is "How does your engine run?" it describes SPD and gives examples of what to look for. good luck to you all.

Peggy - posted on 07/17/2011

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O.K., There is a book called "Whose in charge here" and it really works. I used to have the same problem, and it really helped me out. You might want to go ahead and talk to your neighbors and tell them that you are having a problem with here tantrums and that you are trying to remedy the problem and it might get a bit bad soon, but don't worry it will stop soon. Next, until you read the book and come up with your game plan put her in her room if it starts and CLOSE the door! Tell her in a calm voice that it won't open up for her to come out until she stops all crying and screaming and make sure that you tell her this before it starts so she knows ahead of time. If she is a thrower make sure you remind her that if she makes a mess and throws things she has to pick it all up and put it away before she can come out. Tell her why she must go to her room and after a few times she will stop. But definitely get the book and she will be good ALL the time.

Cathy - posted on 07/17/2011

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sensory processins disorder is a real condition. it is also a form of pdd (pervasive developmental delay) which is often seen in premature children. it seems that the part of the brain which integrates incoming sensory information doesn't develope fully and the poor children preceive hyper sensetivity. eg in a gym class, where an average sized class is running around, the child perceived a herd of elephants pounding toward him/her. and bright lights send piercing pains through their heads. sounds are exaggerated. i survived a massive stroke 7 years ago and was left with spd. as an adult, i was able to talk myself through situations, but it exhausted me. my poor brain couldn't handle all of the sensory information. so it would just shut down. i needed to go to sleep. even now after 7 yrs, i need a lot of rest after busy, noisy days. i can empathize with these children. it is real. and some times "hard hugs" or weighted blankets or vests or having a child carry a backpack packed with heavy books can help.

Veronica - posted on 07/17/2011

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The school counselor is an excellent idea, but moon phases are not details to pay attention to. I don't know why that always comes up with behavior issues or psychological problems, all getting linked to it. Pseudoscience doesn't help anybody; astrology, moon phases and other inaccurate methods of determining fates/behaviors is dangerous.

Adri - posted on 07/17/2011

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@ Julie........Kathryn was replying to a different mom, about an older child that has been abusive and destroying property (carol). Kathryn was giving advice to her not Kyle...

Julie - posted on 07/17/2011

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i am sorry kathryn but i ma a loss as to what your answer means. we are talking about a 7 year old so who needs the attourney and probation surely you have put this on the wrong message

Melissa - posted on 07/17/2011

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Don't reward good behavior with food. Seriously. Behavior Modification is the route that needs to be done. You need to start charting days she has her meltdown, keep track of the weather, (temp, cloudy, rainy, clear, barometric pressure) and moon phases.
Doing a reward chart is excellent. You need to decide how many days she has to comply with your requests before she earns her reward. As she gets better with her behavior, increase the requirements for rewards. Part of it also sounds like she is manipulating you to get what she wants. I suggest that you either contact the school counselor or a private counselor to speak with your concerns about her behavior. This way, if something does happen and the police are called, it has been tracked by someone in authority. But having her see a counselor on a weekly basis would be most beneficial for her.

Kathryn - posted on 07/17/2011

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As a friend, Carol, I am saying I hope not. Take photos of the abuse and/or damage, and go down and file a complaint. He needs to be put in check. The court will supply an attorney for him, and being on probation could be the thing that turns him around.

Julie - posted on 07/17/2011

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if i were you i would go explain to the neighbours that she is throwing a tantrum. my daughter was terrible for tantrums and no matter what i did or said she wouldnt budge sge would destroy anything and everything in isght. we have had to replaster walls because of her. i threw her out one day and wouldnt let her back in untill she calmed down and learnt to behave. it took 20 minutes of her out in the pouring rain. i kept looking through the window and waved to the neighbours as they passed but they were all used to her so never flinched. each time she started i would open the door. i had to throw her out another 2 times then it was a matter of opening the door then eventualy holding the handle. you will find something for you that works but i would go see the neighbours though the next time she is paddying go knock on their door then they can hear her and see its not you hurting her. put yourself in their position would you rather i knock and tell you before i ring for help. better to be safe than sorry they would rather risks your rath than risk a little coffin coming out of your house. all neighbours need is for you to explain.

[deleted account]

Yes, he has been hitting, scratching, biting, destroying property. That is why the police have been called. Twice I've gone to the hospital with my injuries. I don't know how many times I've tried to get him hospitalized to sort out behavioral/medication issues, but it is over 6. Since he always calms down on the way there, they assume he no longer presents a danger to himself or others. His psychiatrist comes back from vacation tomorrow, and we'll see what we try next. Both medications they put him on caused him to develop tics. They suspect he has a mood disorder, as we as a "behavioral" disorder, the trick is getting him enough space to think before he acts. As one psychiatrist said," who is the one person who will love you no matter what? Your mother", so that is his explanation for why me--I won't disappear on him as dad has. However, I will not continue to tolerate this behavior.

Kathryn - posted on 07/17/2011

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Carol, your child is hitting you? You have to put an end to that. Abuse from a child can never be tolerated. He is assaulting you and must face the consequences of his action or he will assault others. Do the hard thing, for his sake and your own.

Kathryn - posted on 07/17/2011

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Don't worry that your child is acting out at home but not school. Kids are more likely to act out with the people they believe will accept them regardless of their actions. Remember you can not control the child, only yourself, so consider what you are doing before, during and after the temper and how you might change that in order to influence her behavior. Consider what you want to see happen and begin with the ending in mind. Don't worry about what the neighbors think too much, but if your concern is real, let them know you are working on the problem, so they will be supportive. If the police should come, then the come, but don't bring up the eventuality any longer to your child as obviously she is pushing it regardless. Personally, I would allow her to stay out in the living room, but ignore her unless she tries to injure herself, someone else, or break something. The important thing right now is to model control to her so she will learn that part of growing up is to control your temper and your behavior.

Heather - posted on 07/17/2011

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I have a very strong willed 6 year old who use to act this way. The ONLY thing that I have found helpful is 123 MAGIC. It is a book on discipline. Give them 2 chances to decide on their own to change the behavior. If you have to say "3", then you must follow through with whatever punishment you threatened with at first. Be consistent. Also, never promise a punishment that you can't follow through with.

Kelly - posted on 07/17/2011

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I have this problem with my 10 year old and she has always been this way. Out of prue desperation I took her to a psyciatrist. She determined that she is clinically depressed and has anxiety issues. She is currently in therapy and it has helped. She is learning "coping" skills and we still do have tantrums but no nearly as often. If I were you I would have her evaluated just to put your mind at ease.

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I am going through this with my now 10 year old son, and the cops have been called, multiple times, by me. It is a horrifying, shocking experience, and I hope that you never end up in the same place. His behavior is angelic at any place but home. As far as I know, he has never been abused, or exposed to violence of any kind. Over the years his violence has escalated from temper tantrums to throwing things, to biting/hitting/scratching and finally destruction of property. I would first take your daughter to her pediatrician to rule out anything physical, and then for mental health help if you don’t find anything there. My son started therapy at age 4, and we were in therapy as well. He is now seeing a child psychiatrist and even he cannot decide on a diagnosis. Several things have become clear. His initial therapist did not take his behaviors when young seriously, thought he was just lagging in development. We tried time ins, time outs, ignoring the behavior, rewards, consequences, lists taped everywhere to help him remember what he could do if upset. I took him to a learning specialist to see if there was something subtle that was getting in the way of his being able to process info going in and coming out. I tried the book "Parenting Your Explosive Child", by Ross Green and while his theories make sense, (your kid hasn’t learned something to modulate his behavior, you need to figure out what it is and teach it—lots of pre-planning so you don’t get to the explosion) I haven't been able to get them to work because by the time he begins to show signs of an impending blow up, all plans go out the window. The initial call to the police was after I had been unable to contain his behavior, and was battered, bleeding and bruised. Like many who have posted, I thought having assault explained would help him understand that his behavior was serious, and could lead to other problems later in life. Other calls have been made because he was so out of control that I needed to enlist help to get him to the hospital, although once the police are here, they usually say they cannot help—although they keep sending reports to social services so it is all documented. One officers went so far as to tell me I have the right to beat the c*** out of him. Often he has calmed by the time they get here; other times they have seen the explosive behavior. It doesn't make sense to me to spank a child who is out of control: you are only doing what they are doing, but saying it is okay because you are the parent. Repeated trips to the ER for psychiatric help have similarly failed, because once there he calms down. One thing that has been agreed upon by multiple providers is that the huge divergence between the parenting style of me and my-ex husband confuses him greatly, and he acts out. They also think he is addicted to computer (at his dad's he spends 8-9 hours per day on it, then watches TV the rest of the time). My ex has not been co-operative in doing what the specialists have asked, so my son is "splitting", sort of like good cop, bad cop inside his own head. Your child is certainly at an age where it would be easier to get this turned around, keep it from escalating. All best to you and your family.

Kimber - posted on 07/17/2011

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Okay, I have only read a few of the responses (there are 121 of them currently) but wanted to post a response. My son, who is 7 now, has something called SPD - sensory processing disorder. This disorder makes it very difficult for him to process all the input from all 5 of his sense. He often gets overwhelmed by things, such as new environments, loud crowds, any crowd, loud noises, strange sensations. But anyway, he behaved like you said, throwing fits, screaming, not listening, throwing things. We lived in an apartment as well. It was rough. I was constantly worried they were going to call the cops on us as well. In fact, before he was diagnosed, we took him to a a new clinic for his physical, and he freaked out so bad, they couldn't do the physical. He was three at the time. They said that his behavior was indicating he had been abused!!! They wanted to call child protective services on us! We knew then we had to find out what was going on with him. It was a long hard path of working with counselors, doctors and such. But we did figure out. But here is the tricky part. He learned that when he flipped out, he would get a reaction. So it became a game with him also. We had to learn how to determine when he was being overwhelmed, and when he was just throwing a tantrum. Through the physical therapist, we learned that when he was feeling overwhelmed, wrapping our arms around him snugly and talking to him calmly, called a holding technique, helped him to regain his control. However, when it was just a temper tantrum, it was more like a reward for bad behavior. Hmm, so once we were able to learn the difference, we treated them differently. If it were just a tantrum, we sent him to his room, firmly closed the door (with no lock) and allowed him to scream it out. We also knocked on each of our neighbors doors, introduced ourselves, and explained that we were going through a rough time with our young child, that he was throwing temper tantrums, and explained that if the neighbors had any concerns about the child's welfare, they were welcome to come down any time they heard him screaming and check on him. We did actually have a neighbor who came down to see if the child was okay. Once they realized that the child was simply in his room screaming, they were very understanding. Good luck, best wishes, and know that this too shall pass.

Alecia - posted on 07/17/2011

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i agree wth some of the others...she does becuz she CAN. if she doesnt do it at school, then its not gluten, or ADD, or anything else...its becuz she has power at the house. not saying u rnt a good mom and thats its ur fault. kids just now how to figure adults out. my 22 mnth old is already figuring it out becuz me and daddy let her know that we are boss and what we say goes. if she misbehaves there are negative consquences. NEVER give a treat for stopping a tantrum, maybe distract if that will work. if u give her what she wants everytime she is done throwing a fit, she will continue and only get worse. we are doing nothing for our kids by making them feel entitled, in fact we are doing them a great disservice. ignore her when she throws fits. if she gets violent, send her to her room and close the door. she's not gonna die bcuz u shut it. and good luck...she knows better, but after 7 yrs its gonna be harder to get her to stop

Sherri - posted on 07/17/2011

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Good luck, I am having the same problems with our 6 year old. But, she will act up in public, because she has learned that mom and dad can do very little to control her. At home she kicks the door, yells, good luck if you find a way to comfortably resolve it, please post it back on the mail.

Brieanne - posted on 07/17/2011

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Because she acts terrified when you're going to close her door - you might have a kid that is extremely claustrophobic, so I'd probably not shut the door. Maybe you could just get a time out chair. I also believe in spanking (gasp, right?) - but not for every instance. But when I kid's throwing a huge tantrum, sometimes a firm swat on the butt is the only way to get their attention- then put her in timeout and tell her why. She'll probably still cry, but I'm willing to bet she calms down. Then when she's calmed down and willing to listen to you, gently tell her why you put her there, and what kind of behavior you expect when she gets up. And don't talk to her while she's in time out. If she gets up, put her back - without speaking to her. Hope this helps!

Carol - posted on 07/17/2011

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@ karen H..... I think your original post suggested "whipping her butt' that is child abuse. a "whip" and a "pat" are very different. EG: I pat my dog, I don't whip my dog.

Alexis - posted on 07/17/2011

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Wow, you have some great suggestions from other moms here. I totally agree with many of them especially Joan S and Jenn H.

I have a 4 1/2yr old son who is already very independent and out spoken child in a good way. He is an excellent role model at school but he too has his moments at home. Most recent tantrums and screaming fits were met very sternly and promptly with a clear verbal warning of his consequences. Time out and Stop the screaming. Use your big boy words to talk about it.
If the he persists the tantrum he can go to bed. (Not just his room, that invites play time with his toys.) If /when he persists he goes to bed in his pj's, not toys allowed. He can scream about it but it won't change the outcome.
If its really bad "carry him to his room" bad... then he has to give up his favorite toy for 1-2 days and earn it back. He has to choose it and put it in timeout on top of daddy's dresser.
When he is calm enough to apologize to the family (can be 2-5mins sometimes longer if he is really upset) then we talk to him about why he is upset and why he has consequences.
My child is a very proud boy, the first sign of our disappointment is usually effective reprimand. But there are moments when we have to be strict parents and hold onto our ground.
As for cleaning up his toys. I am pretty flexible on as long as they are in his assigned areas and cubbyholes. But if I have to ask him several times to clean up his mess (more than 2 times, then I offer to "clear them up for him". That means I will remove any toys unclaimed and find new homes for them. Then I reach for the broom and start sweeping or vacuuming across the room slowly moving in his direction. It's enough to get him moving.
If I do have to clear them I simply sort & cull his toys to determine if it's time to reduce or store the toys for a spell.
Something to consider is that if your daughter is a bit harder skinned she may need to see that "her actions" are creating the results of loosing her toys and or other rewards not just mommy being mean. That is why it is important for her to give up the required penalty.
Good luck.

Keri - posted on 07/17/2011

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The short answer is: she's 7, she'll do things like this. Stand your ground, don't give in, don't raise your voice (too much), don't get frustrated like her - it just shows her she can push your buttons, and once kids learn this they don't stop. Where is Daddy when all this happens? He could step in and be the firmness needed - especially if he wasn't around to see whatever started it.

Linda - posted on 07/17/2011

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I have two daughters, 10 and 8 yr old. My youngest has given me the hardest time since she knows how to play the system to get what she wants. Your daughter is 7, she knows what she is doing. First of all do not bribe her with a reward for doing what is expected of her. You should consider taking away privileges, I take away DS, laptop, tv and toys. This seems to have the biggest impact on her. I start of with say 1 day up to 1 week depending on the level of disrespect she gives me. If she throws a tantrum, it is big. This also works well if there is a birthday party or a special event coming up that she wants to attend. I think you should walk away and let her cry with the door closed so she can get over her fear of being alone. Sometimes at this age they need to be reminded of who the parent is and who isnt. It takes just a few timesto show her you are not going to accept this behavior. Make sure after her punishment that you have a talk with her to let her know why this happened and what can be done to avoid it.

Carol - posted on 07/17/2011

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Hitting and spanking is NEVER a solution, it teaches kids that bigger can hurt smaller. I have a 9yr old with behavioural issues and will often throw rages similar to what you are descibing. He will open his window and yell "stop hurting me, you're gonna kill me" My doors are unlocked and I've often told the neighbours if they hear that and are concerned come on over as you will find me sitting outside his closed door waiting for him to calm down. A few times I've actually gone out with the other kids and sat on the front porch. Usually if I'm not responding to his outbursts and not engaging in his anger he settles down within 10 minutes. (it used to be hours). I realize that in an apartment you can't leave the building, but standing outside your door might help. Talk to your child's doctor too. My son had a complete assesment and is likely ADD ADHD, ODD, RAD and possibly fetal alcohol. He came into my life when he was nearly 4yrs and don't have a lot of knowledge of his first yrs,

Another thing I've done that often, but not always, helps is I talk quieter when he's raging. If he's not fully gone, he has to stop a bit to hear me. When his rage is ending it helps calm him. Also, stick to the consequence. Make it fair and reasonable. EG. "you can come out of your room, when you have finnished with your outburst" " I will open your door, when I feel it's safe. When you are yelling and kicking it's not safe". Now when my son starts throwing food at the table I remove the food first, then send him to sit in the "time out chair" first and say. "take a few minutes to regroup and please come back and join us when you can eat without throwing your food" He leaves with lots of fanfare, but within 2 minutes he has calmed himself and returns and the food is returned to him. No lectures, no fanfare , just peace. It took alot of repeated times of this same tactic until he realized the expectation was on him and food is always returned. Hope this helps. He has also used various breathing techniques to calm himself which were taught by his therapist. I just have to remind him -- breathe!

Margy - posted on 07/17/2011

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The reason she has temper tantrums is because they work. Ignore her. In fact actively ignore her. Dust the furniture, do the dishes, water the plants, and sing. DO not interact with her. Do not make eye contact with her. Warn the neighbors that it might get worse before it gets better. She is in charge of the house - and she likes it. When she is finished tell her she can come out of her room and do not mention the tantrum. When it happens again put her in her room - dust - wash - sing - and don't interact with her. After a while the behavior will change. But do you have the nerves it will take?

Jodie - posted on 07/17/2011

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For the record, I was smacked as a child and I turned out fine.

And one other method that my sister and mother used when my niece was throwing a tantrum in a store. They both threw themselves to the floor and started kicking and beating the floor and yelling, throwing their own tantrums. My niece never threw another tantrum again.

Jodie - posted on 07/17/2011

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Visit the local police station and ask if they'd mind coming to the house to talk to her about the consequences of "disturbing the peace". It might just be what she needs to snap her out of throwing a tantrum.

Karen - posted on 07/17/2011

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@ Katherine, umm no, it isn't! Beating a child is child abuse. There is a distinct difference. A pat on the butt doesn't hurt.

Valerie - posted on 07/17/2011

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There is a little boy about six I would say living up stairs in my apartment, he throws a big tantrum everyday when coming home from school, the worst part is that he does it in the hall way where it echos through all the apartment, I as a mother understand, but we are probably the only two out of 50 apartments with kids, so every time she saw one of the neighbors at the mail box or something she kindly apologized and explained that he was having a hard time with the new house. I'm sure they all sympathized with her. Don't worry so much about the neighbors, if they ever say anything to you rudely my favorite response is "im sure your kids where perfect" and if they say I don't have any kids then I say " that explains alot" :) keep your head up and remember... YOUR THE PARENT HERE!

Valerie - posted on 07/17/2011

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There is a little boy about six I would say living up stairs in my apartment, he throws a big tantrum everyday when coming home from school, the worst part is that he does it in the hall way where it echos through all the apartment, I as a mother understand, but we are probably the only two out of 50 apartments with kids, so every time she saw one of the neighbors at the mail box or something she kindly apologized and explained that he was having a hard time with the new house. I'm sure they all sympathized with her. Don't worry so much about the neighbors, if they ever say anything to you rudely my favorite response is "im sure your kids where perfect" and if they say I don't have any kids then I say " that explains alot" :) keep your head up and remember... YOUR THE PARENT HERE!

Ayana - posted on 07/17/2011

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I agree with those who say you are allowing the behavior. You definitely need to set some ground rules and make sure she knows there are consequences for breaking those rules. Sometimes even though it is hard, ignoring her works because she wants the attention. No matter what let it continue, eventully she will stop. I would even let her apologize to you for her behavior and let her know she was wrong for acting in that manner. Definitely some sort of discipline is sorely needed.

Edna - posted on 07/17/2011

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to be honest she seems to be feeding her tantrum off the attention she get, i'd ignore her hopefully once she realises that she's not getting the attention she will just give up. you may have to persevere the first time but then it should get easier.

Rebekah - posted on 07/17/2011

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All i know is my 7 year old has came out pretty good i spanked my kids and even my 4 year old is doing good

Rebekah - posted on 07/17/2011

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BS here in the state of oklahoma you can spank your kids if its red and bruised than it is child abuse you dont know the law you need to find out for sure and in cali you can dpank your child with a diper and or clothing on no objects are to be used here or in cali and i bet in more than that we would have alot more i believe in spanking your children sorry it must be done

Rebekah - posted on 07/17/2011

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Look up oppositional defient disorder there is add adhd and odd people confuse adhd or add with odd my daughter has odd and is on meds for her behavior she can get really bad to

Kristy - posted on 07/16/2011

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You could try putting her in her room on her bed, or the floor. Leave the door open, then stay outside the room, but not were she can see you. Let her know that if she can come out and be calm then she can come out of her room other wise she has to sit there until she is calmed down. We have to send our kids to their rooms, and it helps to let them calm down when they are upset. It is all about having control over you, and you need to take back that control now when she is young. Or when she is older she will not respect you, and do what she wants. I hope this helps you out. Good luck!!! :-)

Gina - posted on 07/16/2011

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Just a sugestion that worked for me when I got in a rut with my twins. Instead of focusing on the neg like yelling take the opposite action you want like using your words or talking kindly and give her a laminated smiley face for the positive actions and reward her when she gets like five. Make it very positive for her and maybe that will help. I also have my little one which is 3 and Maybe I should start this with her too she has some of those tendencies as well! P.S. My husband works for the PD and he thinks children shouldn't be threatened with the police and make them afraid but rather look up to them and trust them for help. Believe me though I use it myself sometimes!

Jen - posted on 07/16/2011

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This little one has deffinatly figured out the adults, and is now trying to run the house. You need to be firm..real firm, and not back down. Figure out what really gets her goat, and let that be the punishment. DO NOT BACK DOWN! At 7, she nees to be able to do what she is told with minimal back talk. I have a 7 year old and go through it with her constantly. I also have to stay on her all of the time. if you let "little" things slide..they turn into big things real quick. She is old enough to be grounded!! Just stay firm.

Addie - posted on 07/16/2011

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So let the cops come. Maybe it will scare the bejeebers out of her and her bad behavior will stop. She acts that way for attention and it works because she has your attention.

Michelle - posted on 07/16/2011

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It wasn't my child (he's only 2.5), but I had a co-worker with a son who was pretty much the same way. He would throw huge tantrums about cleaning up his toys. She got so sick of cleaning things up after him, that she finally told him if he didn't clean up his toys, she was going to get rid of them, for good. (I think he was 8 or 9 at the time, just old enough to start doing chores and earning an allowance.) The next time he threw a tantrum about cleaning up, she got a couple large trash bags, put all the toys on the floor in the trash bags, put the bags and the kid in the car and drove to the nearest Goodwill donation center. She took the bags in and gave them to the donation clerk, then drove away. She said her son was basically in shock that his mom had just gotten rid of so many of his toys. She said it wasn't all his toys, just the ones that had been on the floor that day. She also told him that he could earn back the toys. Every time he cleaned up or did whatever she'd asked him to do without a tantrum, they'd mark it on a calendar and every Saturday, depending on how many marks he'd gotten, she'd take him to the Goodwill to buy back one of his toys, but it was with his own allowance mostly. She said he shaped up pretty quickly after the first week with barely any toys.

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