Custody Battle of a Newborn- please share your thoughts...

Danielle - posted on 12/17/2009 ( 238 moms have responded )

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My cousin had her baby this week and the father wants 50/50 (her one week, him one week) custody of the baby. He is her ex-boyfriend. This ding dong doesn't understand that a NEWBORN can't be away from his mother for a whole week at a time. THEN...to top it off because she said no, she wont do that, he threatens to take the baby away completely!!! What an idiot...the state of Texas wont even take a baby from a drug user/addict alot of the time much less a regular person. He thinks he's better suited since he owns a home/makes $100,000+ a year and she makes less than half of that and has an apartment. He's already hired a lawyer and about to file a suit, she can't afford a lawyer and Is scared to death that he'll win. It's hard enough to raise a baby on your own, then to have someone putting all of this stress on you and trying to take him away. Share your thoughts please, be brutally honest.

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Maria - posted on 12/24/2009

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This post really caught my attention and I'm glad I read this because you should let your cousin know to never underestimate a loser who you think can't get custody of a newborn or child. Losers think of clever ways before a baby is conceived to see what they can do. Maybe not in this situation but seems to me he has a plan. Why? If he really cares as a father the ding dong would know that the baby needs to be with his mother full time while an infant. I can't go into sharing my own experience because it

would take too long but this is what I would do if I was your cousin. 1) Don't discuss to anyone your friends or family to your plan of action. 2) Go straight to the social services and explain your fears that you as a mother is being threaten. Social services take these issues very seriously and they are not against a Mother when she goes for help. Usually there is a motive for wanting to take a small baby away from its mother.

Melanie - posted on 12/24/2009

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It is so very hard to prove a mother unfit. A father could Handel it sure!! but if he loved and cared for the well being of the child he would want what is best for the child, taking a new born from her mother after being in the womb for nine months would be traumatizing to the child. Guardian Adlitums can be requested to represent the child and a separate attorney for the mother. That way they will not look at the parents but at the child's well being!!

A Renee - posted on 12/24/2009

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I am not sure about the legal system where your cousin lives but if she is not putting the baby in harms way he can't take the baby. He has to show legitament proof that the baby is being neglected. Another thing is what is he providing for the baby if he is not financially providing for the baby he can't get custody anyway. If he is harrassing her and threating her she needs to get help legally because he is now inflicting stress on a maintained environment. She should also get a support system. Since you are concern to help her issue help her out time wise. If she a first time mom this is all new to her and she is timid. Family support and help is one of the best things you can give her. Help her go to legal aid. She has rights and so does the baby as well as the father but make sure she does not under any means deny his rights because it will make it harder on her. What I did was allow my children father to come visit the children at my mother's house supervised. He isnt allowed to take them without my consent because he has no parental rights but my situation is different. He can be around the baby because he is the father. Have a witness around when she interacts with him so therefore there can not be he say she say. Best of luck and I hope everything work out for your cousin.

LaTasha - posted on 12/24/2009

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She may be able to get a layer ProBono due to her salary. I was told that Texas is a mother state so 95% of the time the child goes to the mother. Last, if she is nursing they will not split her away from the baby. He can spend time with the baby but he won't be able to leave and go somewhere for longer than 2 hours becaus the baby needs to eat.

Katherine - posted on 12/24/2009

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Quoting Danielle:

Custody Battle of a Newborn- please share your thoughts...

My cousin had her baby this week and the father wants 50/50 (her one week, him one week) custody of the baby. He is her ex-boyfriend. This ding dong doesn't understand that a NEWBORN can't be away from his mother for a whole week at a time. THEN...to top it off because she said no, she wont do that, he threatens to take the baby away completely!!! What an idiot...the state of Texas wont even take a baby from a drug user/addict alot of the time much less a regular person. He thinks he's better suited since he owns a home/makes $100,000+ a year and she makes less than half of that and has an apartment. He's already hired a lawyer and about to file a suit, she can't afford a lawyer and Is scared to death that he'll win. It's hard enough to raise a baby on your own, then to have someone putting all of this stress on you and trying to take him away. Share your thoughts please, be brutally honest.


 



Chances are he won't be able to take the baby away completely, unless she is proven to be a negligent caretaker. She does need to get a lawyer if he has already gotten one, just to help her with all the paperwork and legal aspects she may not be familiar with. Even if she can't afford a lawyer there is free legal aid and if she doesn't qualify there might be a program for discounted aid. All she really needs to pay for is a consultation with a family law attorney, which can be as little as 100 even with some of the best lawyers, and be honest with them. Tell them everything about the case and they'll be able to tell her what she needs to do and how to file papers on her own. She needs to be calm and know that custody is NOT determined based on income, that's what child support is for. She just needs to do what is best for the baby and in most courts that includes facilitating a relationship with the father unless he is a threat to the child. She doesn't have to give him 50/50 but she can't keep the baby from him either. Maybe they can work something out so that the father gets to see the baby for a few hours everyday. Maybe you could take dad to a lactation appointment and get the professional to explain all of the different options and maybe how long it would be before you could wean the baby and start pumping everyone could come to an agreement? If both parties truely care about the baby, which im sure they do, there's some agreement, that includes compromise from both parties, that could be made.



 



(Oh and the brutally honest part, If you decide to take a custody battle to court be prepared to have your whole life put on trial. Everything about you is open for discussion when deciding which parents is best suited to care for a child and mom does NOT always win. It's usually best for you and your child to come to an agreement before going before a judge. Most court systems require you to go to mediations sessions before your case goes into the system anyways.)

Julie - posted on 12/24/2009

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Maybe during the first couple of months they should split every couple days until they get the baby in a routine. I don't know why they have split up but it would be good to have both parents involved in the child's development. She should try to work things out with him before going to court. As an aside though most judges don't want to take the child away from the mother unless the child is in danger or she is unfit. I will say a prayer for you and your family.

Karen - posted on 12/24/2009

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There are a lot of assumptions being made by none of us who were there. People are saying "Daddy might get bored", "document", whatever. Maybe the Dad is doing the only thing he knows to continue to remain a constant fixture in his child's life, maybe he's getting bad advise, maybe he's acting on his own experience from someone he knows. None of us were there, none of us have spoken with the gentleman to know what his motives are, maybe he doesn't even know what his motives are, remember the Mom is not the only new Parent here. I think both Parents (with noone but them and the mediator) need to sit down and decide how best to co-parent this child and forget what anyone else says based on their own experiences. I think a lot of times Dads are assumed to have ulterior motives. Mom needs to give a bit, Dad needs to give a bit, and everyone needs to butt out. Then as a team they can figure out what works best for the most important person in this whole debate - the child. Maybe pumping and a bottle will work just fine when Dad has the child, maybe not. Some kids take to a bottle, some don't. Just because it is offered as an option doesn't mean it's wrong. My DD took a bottle from basically anyone who would feed her (food was her primary motivation) and I'm no less bonded to her and she to me and she's actually more bonded to her Dad then she would be if all she had was me as a food source. Exclusively breastfeeding from the boob is not the be all and end all (if Mom died or was maybe overseas in the military then we wouldn't even be having this discussion, and if Dad had bolted before or after birth we'd be bashing him for not stepping up instead). There is no harm in proposing it as an option and if it's the best way for Dad to have as much time as possible, then bravo. Too many times Dads disappear (or are driven away) by Moms and their extended families and friends and then is that truly in the best interest of the child??? Maybe the situation changes over time??? Maybe Dad stays around and is the one to be the Boy Scout / Girl Scout leader, Coach, etc. while Mom is the Dance class taker-to-er? If everyone puts their pride aside and thinks about the Child, how much richer will this Child's life be? If all of us truly looked at what our dream was for our child's initial days / weeks / months, how many of us could honestly say that that was what turned out. So maybe the Mom's dream was of her being the sole caregiver, food source, etc. and that has changed now that Dad wants to be a part of it. Is that so bad? I think that that's marvelous and the Child can only benefit if everyone would put their pride aside and compromise. Bottom line is that this is between Mom, Dad, Child, and noone else.

Patricia - posted on 12/24/2009

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You mention in this letter that this is an ex-boyfriend NOT an ex-husband. In Texas would this make a difference? (I'm only asking because marriage vs a relationship but not marriage may or may not be a deciding factor) Is the father's name on the birth certificate? If not, he will have to prove the child is his (DNA test, etc) which will take time and hopefully this time will be enough (a year at least) for the baby to be weaned (that is unless he/she is able to breastfeed longer, which would be best but that's another whole topic)

Honestly, I cannot imagine a court siding with the baby's father on this unless the mother was proven unfit which I seriously doubt from reading this letter. Hopefully she can some legal counsel on this and I will pray for her that this will be resolved very soon and that she can care for her baby without this threat hanging over her head

Kim - posted on 12/24/2009

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she should concant the Friend of the Court, she needs to talk to her case worker. The court will also agree that a newborn or 4 yr old needed to be in one place at least 80percent of the time. No lawyer can change that but will tell the father that cause he wants the money.There are at least 13 factors the other side have to prove in order for the custody to be changed. I went throught it, I was working making 7.50 hr part time and their dad works for the post office. the judge told him that children need a stable place to live and not wonder who their spending the week with. the court order Parenting time for him, everyother week end. I can tell her dont worry cause I've been through it and came out on top .God bless her.

Chandra - posted on 12/24/2009

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Quoting Jodi:



Quoting Nancy:

In Canada the courts start at 50/50 because it has been shown time and time again to be in the best interest of the child. Breast milk can be pumped, and formula can be used. I'm not sure what the laws are where you live, but custody is a very emotional thing, and it is always difficult to separate what we, as parents, want vs what is best for the baby. If this man wants 50/50 custody, good for him!






Actually, if I were a breastfeeding mother, I would totally argue against you on this one.  Yes, breast milk can be pumped, but (1) pumping is not nearly as efficient as actually breastfeeding and often results in having to supplement, (2) not being around the crying baby for extended periods can decrease the production of breast milk, our hormones are trained to respond to our baby's cries, and (3) feeding from a bottle on a regular basis can make a baby lazy and can cause it to reject the breast altogether.  None of this is in the best interests of the child. 





 





This is an excellent and MOST important point. Studies have shown over and over again that exclusively breastfeeding is the best thing for the baby...a mother away from her newborn for a week at a time will result in no breast milk eventually. Not to mention the horrible stress for mom and baby. I totally believe the father deserves to see the baby, but while the baby is breastfeeding, he should be required to visit with the baby with the mother nearby enough to nurse on demand. Perhaps they could work something out so that he could come to her house 2 or 3 days per week and she could go into her bedroom with a good book, take a bath, do laundry or when she feels comfortable, run out for groceries and leave him alone with the baby for an hour or so. She could explain to him that this arrangement would be temporary because as the baby gets older and starts eating solids, there would be the potential for more time between breastfeeding so the dad could take the baby out for a few hours (when the baby is 8-10 months old). And as a mother who can't imagine having to be away from my children for any length of time, I would breastfeed as long as possible!!! I would say there is a good chance Daddy will get bored with the arrangement and move on, and if he doesn't, then he deserves to be with his child. If the parents can figure out how to be civil and agreeable, the child will only benefit from the love of TWO parents.

Noelle - posted on 12/24/2009

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She can't and won't win. There are also lawyers who will take the case pro bono. Have her contact her local Family and Child Services Dept. My ex threatened that he'd take my son away and I'd never see him again. I called his bluff and I won, w/o any lawsuit. A nursing child legally cannot be taken from his/her mom unless the law deems that she will abuse the child God Bless you!

Danielle - posted on 12/24/2009

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along with writing everything down make sure she records every time he comes over to see the baby and how long and all that because if he says he wants custody and never see the baby then the judge will side with her.

Claudia Sue - posted on 12/24/2009

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You know what I think.......since the dad makes that much money, it's not the baby he wants it's to keep from paying a substantial child support payment! But just in case I'm wrong about the money, his true goal may be to just make her miserable....I don't know how Texas law is now, but I lived there in 1978 and tried to get a divorce from a wife beater. I had 3 small children, the youngest being 22 months. I had a minimun wage job, he sold insurance (kind of). We had a house together. Whoever got the kids, got the house sort of deal. Yep, he took my kids away from me because I would have to put the kids in a day care, while his mother would leave her home in Milwaukee and move in and take care of my kids!!!!!!! HE WAS A WIFE BEATER !!!! Texas has some strange laws regarding men and children.......she better be very careful because stranger things happen every day!!!

Holly - posted on 12/24/2009

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OK, we say a baby can't be away from it's mother for a week, but what about dad...? I am EXCITED that a dad wants to be fully envolved. It is a GREAT thing. 50/50 custody has a lot of benifits. My husband has 50/50 of his children with his X. He didn't want to wait a week to see his daughters (esp the younger one, she was almost 2 when they split) So they alternate every two days and every other weekend. It seems to work pretty good. We live in the same town now and it makes it real easy with school. This arrangement wouldn't work well for parents who don't live in the same town once school starts. The dad SHOULD be envolved as much as possible. A child needs to know it's dad as well as it's mom. Bonding needs to be done by BOTH parents. Why tell dad to take a hike and he can see the baby only on occassion...or every other weekend. Sure, breastfeeding does cause a little damper...but pumping works just the same. A little supplement of formula if there's not enough stored up is OK. I would recommend if this guy wants 50/50 custody, let him. Make the first year, not one week mom, one week dad.... but maybe every other day or two days... then if they want it to be week to week do it then. It is always best to come to an agreement vs custody battles. Sometimes we have to give a little. It won't be easy for MOM, but it will make the child happy knowing that both mom and dad love him so much they both want to spend lot of time with him. I hope everything works out for the best.

Sarah - posted on 12/24/2009

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Quoting Danielle:

He was there for most of the doctors appts and they did go to see a counselor a few times about their "relationship". He was in the room for the birth but stayed off in the corner. He didn't want to cut the cord or hold the baby, finally the nurse said "here, hold your son" and put him in his arms. The next day, he didn't come to the hospital at all. He did call to check on her though.



How was their relationship before? we're they dating? was he even happy about the baby? It doesn't sound like he was happy about it. Could it be he's just trying to get even with her? I don't know why men don't think about the child and just get along! I mean once you have a baby your in each others lives for life!!

[deleted account]

Quoting Stacy:

Seem to me alot of the people on here forgotten that advice was asked, not an invite for an out of control argument. Just agree to disagree. Everybody has different opinions, different out looks on life. But we do all agree that they should do what is best for that baby, whatever that maybe. Mother and father will figure it out as they along. We all have our own opinions at the end of the day.



Totaly agree!! Well said Stacy!!

Po - posted on 12/24/2009

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it's his baby just as much as hers.... just because she's mom doesn't make her a better parent.... she really should of thought about the potential that this guy could be a father to her child before she laid down with him

Po - posted on 12/24/2009

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it's his baby just as much as hers.... just because she's mom doesn't make her a better parent.... she really should of thought about the potential that this guy could be a father to her child before she laid down with him

[deleted account]

I agree with Nancy on one aspect!! It is good for both Parents to be involved in a Childs life if they are Fit parents. However I do not think separating a Newborn from its mother is good for the baby or the mother! If the father wanted a few hours a day in between feeds and so on, ok but I would freak out if someone said I had to give my baby up while breastfeeding and make me pump! Pumping milk is not always easy and while you are stressed it can be like bleeding a stone! My baby is 7 months old now and when she was 4 months I had to pump for daycare! I can tell you the first month was the most horrible experience trying to get enough milk into a bottle! Then on top of that my baby refuses to bottle feed! They had to feed her with a spoon at daycare because she would not take the bottle and we tried 5 different teats and bottles... nothing worked. They did that until she was 6 months out and then I introduced yogurt into her diet as a supplement for the Milk she wouldn’t drink. It is not cut and dry and each baby is different but for the mothers well being and in turn the baby's it would be better for the father to agree on visitations until the baby is around 6 to 8 months old. I doubt a judge would give him 50/50 right now anyway unless the mother is proven unfit! Good luck and I would be interested to know how it turns out!

Jen - posted on 12/24/2009

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i believe the father has rights to the child as she does. I don't think a week at a time but everyone works it out differently. A friend of mine they switch every 6 months, 6 months with dad then 6 months with mom; another one the child goes to dad every break in school, including christmas, thanksgiving, easter, everything. It depends on what you want, but u have to work something or b/c the judge will not let u take full custody of a baby for no reason. Good luck!

Alana - posted on 12/24/2009

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Document, Document, Document! She should be able to file custody papers on her own without a lawyer if she can't get one immediately. Plus he may just be threatening her verbally about having a lawyer unless he has been planning this for a while. Did she put him on the birth certificate as the father? If not, she has a better chance of retaining custody. She may not get child support that way, but he would have to go through a lot more legally to establish parentage. As for "affording a lawyer", she will figure out a way to afford that if she wants to keep this child under her control legally. Sorry, you asked for brutal honesty. I hope it works out for her and the child in the long run which is what she is in for.

Dawn - posted on 12/24/2009

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I had the exact situation with my ex-husband who left me for his girlfriend while I was pregnant. When the baby was born, she was the one pushing him to get shared placement (as they call it in Wisconsin). He, too, thought he could get a whole week with our newborn, whom I was also nursing. The first thing that she should know is that courts rarely do week-to-week with children younger than five. They typically do three days with one, three days with the other as children can't and shouldn't go a week without seeing the other parent. I had two attorneys and also consulted with an attorney friend from high school and they all informed me that, at least in Wisconsin, the court MUST make every attempt to do shared placement whenever possible. My ex was even working shift work at the time and my lawyer friend said she'd just had two clients where shared placement was awarded even with shift-working parents. HOWEVER, the court did look at the nursing issue. We went to court when she was two months old and they only let him have her two hours at a time for the first few weeks. After that it was four hours at a time. We got along Ok (even though I wished him dead at first) and I knew that she was well-cared for so I eventually let him have her 8 hours at time instead of four because she often slept the whole time. All of my friends and family thought that I was crazy but the thing is, he is her dad and by me trying to help their relationship, he realized I was trying to do what was in her best interest and he eventually gave up and I have primary placement with him getting her every other weekend. I know that not all men would do that, though. About child support, if he makes that much more than her, the court might still make him pay her, even if they have shared placement (my coworker's husband pays his ex child support even though they have week-to-week placement of his kids. It takes a long time to work through these issues and crazy thoughts go through your head but hopefully she has good support, like you, to help her through. If he hasn't already taken her to court and she's really worried about his parenting capabilities, she could try moving far away (once she goes to court they will prevent this). About his support (or lack of) during pregnancy, the court doesn't care about that at all (at least not here). All they care about is that the child has a chance to know both parents equally. In the end, the only way that I could sleep at night was to say, "what's the worst case scenario, I get a break every few days". I NEVER EVER would have chosen that but I knew if the court ordered it I would have to make peace with it and make the best of it. She didn't do overnights until I weaned her at 13 months and even though it was hard, it was a nice break and it was also nice once I started dating again, because then I didn't have to get babysitters or expose her to my new boyfriend before I knew that I was going to be with him permanently. Hopefully they can work things out for the baby's sake. It's so unfortunate for the baby that the parents aren't together but the best predictor of how the baby will be affected is how well the parents can get along and try to keep things the same at both houses. Best of luck to her. I was a depressed mess during that time in my life (four years ago).

Jessica - posted on 12/24/2009

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I also did read about your baby being only 9 months, but you don't seem to realize the dependance issues and truma you will cuz your child later on in life. I'm not sorry If offened you or anyone else, but women are very selfess, selfcentered beings, we don't even understand how we think.



Dear melanie, this is tara's sister. Just wanted to let you know that my neice will be just fine when she gets to school. Don't you worry about her. Also you should probably stop with the advice because i'm pretty sure from looking at this, that you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about and so far it sounds like you've been taking your own advice (that's why you seem to have so many problems). You sound like the Bigot to me . . . yeah that's right, don't write it if you can't spell it! I'm pretty sure that " circle of moms" isn't for women haters either, you should try another website and other people to push your views on.

Alma - posted on 12/23/2009

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Speaking as an ex Childd Advocate. Mterial wealth doesn't matter. As long as the Mother provides the Basic essentials and it i in the "Best interest of te child."

Karen - posted on 12/23/2009

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First of all, I have a 6 year old who couldn't / wouldn't breastfeed so I pumped and we did formula / breastmilk and both Daddy and Mommy fed her (along with anyone else who wanted to) - she is smart, well-adjusted, and bonded with both of us. So, pumping for the off-week could work and the child would not be scarred for life. Also, the fact that the Dad didn't want to cut the cord or initially hold the child is irrelevant to his desire to be a Dad. My DH (and I know several others) who didn't want to cut the cord either, he could have been too overwhelmed initially to hold the child (or scared that he would drop/hurt the child) at first. How many Moms have PPD and don't want to hold their child and we cut them slack. Were any of us there to witness it or know what was going on in his head at the time? That being said - who witnessed the initial conversations between them and the Mom's reactions? Could the Dad be overreacting out of fear that he would be denied access / have his custody limited? Maybe he feels that this is his only recourse to be completely involved in the child's life? I think that both parties need to sit down with an impartial person and work something out that allows each parent as much access as possible, regardless of gender. Neither one is better simply due to their gender. Also, all family members need to stay out of this - including the Parents gossiping / complaining to family members. What is decided and what transpires is between them only. Complaining to family members only sets up bad blood that will taint the situation and be bad for the child in the future. And the child does not have to be shipped back and forth - maybe the parents move in for their week or whatever and the child has the consistent place.

Kris - posted on 12/23/2009

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Quoting Nancy:

I'm guessing the feeling of being put off is probably mutual. There is no reason why a father cannot handle a new born at night... most mothers would think they had died and gone to heaven if the father wanted to take care of the baby all day for a week!


Although I agree that his interest in the baby is commendable, it seems a bit strange that he would be forcing his involvement like this. Does not sound like a healthy environment for a child. I seriously question anyone's intentions when they go after a mom like that. And I do not believe a newborn should be shipped back and forth like luggage. He should arrange for partial custody as the child grows up, yes, but this newborn needs stability and with swine flu and other things to worry about for an infant, this is just ridiculous. Yes, she needs to talk to a lawyer about this.

Stacy - posted on 12/23/2009

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Seem to me alot of the people on here forgotten that advice was asked, not an invite for an out of control argument. Just agree to disagree. Everybody has different opinions, different out looks on life. But we do all agree that they should do what is best for that baby, whatever that maybe. Mother and father will figure it out as they along. We all have our own opinions at the end of the day.

Stacy - posted on 12/23/2009

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Depending on where she lives, different states, different set of rules. If she is breast feeding, most states will not take the baby from the mother. As far as leagel, even though she breast feeds, she still needs to be healthy, so have her apply for assistance in all areas of the state. Finicial aid, food, housing, anything they will allow her to do. If he wants to be an ass, she should take him for everything he's got. When she files for assistance, they will atomatically go after child support.

Lyndsay - posted on 12/23/2009

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Unless your friend is visibly unfit to parent, I can't see anything happening from this. At most the court will probably grant him visitations during the day, breastfeeding or no breastfeeding.

Denyasha - posted on 12/23/2009

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i totally agree - i think that the baby should stay with the mother until she is weaned... breastfeeding is the most natural and best thing in the world for the child... and if the father had the best interests of the child at heart he wouldn't be so arrogant as to ask for 50/50! this kind of thing makes me sooo annoyed... you go girl - breastfeed and fight for your little girl!

Synthia - posted on 12/23/2009

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Quoting Synthia:

My friends went through this a couple years ago. They will not let the father take the baby overnight until she is 3 years old. He only gets her every other weekend, during the day. The mom and dad are on good terms so on occasion she will let her spend the night even though she is not 3 yet, but that is completely up to her since she is not required to.


Oh and also, the mom lived with her parents at the time and didn't have a job. The father on the other hand had his own place and a good job. So obviously stability and finances didn't matter.

Synthia - posted on 12/23/2009

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My friends went through this a couple years ago. They will not let the father take the baby overnight until she is 3 years old. He only gets her every other weekend, during the day. The mom and dad are on good terms so on occasion she will let her spend the night even though she is not 3 yet, but that is completely up to her since she is not required to.

Melanie - posted on 12/23/2009

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Quoting Hazel:

O.K you are super agressive & I have better things to do with my time. Read things more carefully. you have mis-qouted me AGAIN! perhaps you should get a hobby.



Maybe you should get over yourself. I have plenty of hobbies, plus I work suporting 5 people ON MY OWN!

Melanie - posted on 12/23/2009

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Quoting Hazel:

O.K you are super agressive & I have better things to do with my time. Read things more carefully. you have mis-qouted me AGAIN! perhaps you should get a hobby.



Maybe you should get over yourself. I have plenty of hobbies, plus I work suporting 5 people ON MY OWN!

Melanie - posted on 12/23/2009

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Quoting Hazel:

O.K you are super agressive & I have better things to do with my time. Read things more carefully. you have mis-qouted me AGAIN! perhaps you should get a hobby.



Maybe you should get over yourself. I have plenty of hobbies, plus I work suporting 5 people ON MY OWN!

Barb - posted on 12/23/2009

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Quoting Becky:


To be honest 50/50 is more then likely so he won’t have to pay child support to her.


Not necessarily. I got 50/50 of my 5 yr-old, didn't think I 'needed' support, but the court ordered it 'cause my ex made about 5x what I made.



Thank God!

Hazel - posted on 12/23/2009

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Quoting Siobhan:

I absolutely agree that it is important for a child to have access to both parents - but to say that a father is equally able to care for a newborn breastfed baby (in normal circumstances) is just not realistic. Nature has dictated this by making it the woman that gives birth. Of course I am not saying that men should be punished because they can't give birth! But because of this, a newborn who is exclusively breastfed will have to have the mother as the primary caregiver for the first months of its life. During that time the father should have as much visitation as possible, and that should increase once the baby is weaned. This ensures the baby gets as much benefit from this all important time of breastfeeding as well as the opportunity to bond with both parents.

I really think people need to stop thinking about this as a gender war and instead focus on what will be best for the baby. Surely if this couple have decided they are responsible enough to have a baby, they have to step up and agree on reasonable visitation which still allows for all the proven health benefits of breastfeeding.



amen to that, i wish i had your eloquence when transfering thoughts to paper! well written really.



 

Hazel - posted on 12/23/2009

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O.K you are super agressive & I have better things to do with my time. Read things more carefully. you have mis-qouted me AGAIN! perhaps you should get a hobby.

Siobhan - posted on 12/23/2009

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I absolutely agree that it is important for a child to have access to both parents - but to say that a father is equally able to care for a newborn breastfed baby (in normal circumstances) is just not realistic. Nature has dictated this by making it the woman that gives birth. Of course I am not saying that men should be punished because they can't give birth! But because of this, a newborn who is exclusively breastfed will have to have the mother as the primary caregiver for the first months of its life. During that time the father should have as much visitation as possible, and that should increase once the baby is weaned. This ensures the baby gets as much benefit from this all important time of breastfeeding as well as the opportunity to bond with both parents.



I really think people need to stop thinking about this as a gender war and instead focus on what will be best for the baby. Surely if this couple have decided they are responsible enough to have a baby, they have to step up and agree on reasonable visitation which still allows for all the proven health benefits of breastfeeding.

Siobhan - posted on 12/23/2009

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I absolutely agree that it is important for a child to have access to both parents - but to say that a father is equally able to care for a newborn breastfed baby (in normal circumstances) is just not realistic. Nature has dictated this by making it the woman that gives birth. Of course I am not saying that men should be punished because they can't give birth! But because of this, a newborn who is exclusively breastfed will have to have the mother as the primary caregiver for the first months of its life. During that time the father should have as much visitation as possible, and that should increase once the baby is weaned. This ensures the baby gets as much benefit from this all important time of breastfeeding as well as the opportunity to bond with both parents.



I really think people need to stop thinking about this as a gender war and instead focus on what will be best for the baby. Surely if this couple have decided they are responsible enough to have a baby, they have to step up and agree on reasonable visitation which still allows for all the proven health benefits of breastfeeding.

Eileen - posted on 12/23/2009

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First of all, NO judge, no matter what city or state, will take a baby away from the mother unless she is proven unfit to care for her child or it is proven that the baby is in danger from being with her. But, that being said, if he is going to take her to court, she WILL need a lawyer. Though you can go to court and represent yourself, it is not the "preferred" way. She does need to talk to a lawyer....almost all of them give free consultations. And then she will prob be able to make payments to them. Lawyers are more understanding than most people give them credit for. With that being said...I know that the father is being a jerk about the whole thing right now, but at least he wants to be in his childs life which is something to be commended. My father didn't want me growing up, and you can never understand the feeling until it happens to you. 50/50 is really the best option, court approved that is. But to let you know, the judge will not rule one week her, one week him, it will be 4 days her, 3 days him, and vice versa. So, with all that being said, tell her to talk to him and that if he is a fit father, she is not opposed to fifty fifty but ask that he wait until the baby is a little older, and until then, visitation. Unlimited if that is going to solve this problem and avoid court right now.

Lynn - posted on 12/23/2009

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I went through a similar situation with my son's father. We were able to keep it out of court. There are tons of literature on the subject that she, and the "ding dong" ex should and need to read. I live in Oklahoma and OK's DHS website has a good brochure on newborn visitation, "Divorce and Visitation Issued for Children Birth - 5 years. I will post some other links at the end of this email that I found helpful. Regardless of what the mother thinks of the father, if he wants to be involved, she should let him, but only on terms that are in the best interst of the child. Another good source is Brazelton's The Irreducible Needs of Children. I spent a lot of time researching the situation on my own and was able to reason with my son's father. I will agree that 50/50 split is in NO way a good idea and I do not think a judge would ever think it was. The way we did it was contact for a couple hours ever other day or so. It was inconvenient for me for a while, but my son is now 16 months old and spends two nights a week (not ina row) with his dad. We worked up to it and things are going great. I would be willing to chat more about the specifics of what we did over the course of the first year to bring the visitation along nicely. Just let me know and I will get you my email address. Below are some titles and website links I found helpful. By all means make sure this boyfriend is aware of the literature too. It was a big factor in my son's father becoming reasonable.



www.fcs.okstate.edu/parenting/ages_states.infancy.htm

Age Appropriate Visitation:

life.familyeducation.com/divorce/visitation/4556.html

Oklahoma Family Law Blog: Jsut google is - there is TONS of good info in here!!!

www.attachmentparenting.org/support/articles/proffox.php

www.hiltonhouse.com/articles/HODGES.vst

Shared Parenting Contact & Guideline: This is something FL puts out. Google it.



MOST IMPORTANT...if he has lawyered up, she needs to do whatever it takes to seeks representation as well. Look for lawyers in your area who specialize in custody and start calling and finding one that can work with her on payments. Or something like Legal Aid can help, but I would find a lawyer that specializes.



It is stressful, but worth it for the kiddo if they can work through it. I would be appalled and shocked if a Judge granted 50/50 joint custody of a newborn!!! It goes against everything I have ever read!!!!

Brittany - posted on 12/23/2009

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I am sorry your cousin has to go through this, especially so soon after the baby was born. I do think that the 50/50 custody is extreme, but I also think the father needs to be involved. Maybe he can take the baby for the day on his days off? My husband has a baby from a previous relationship. In our situation, the mother did not want the baby and totally walked away at 6 months. We are going to court in a few weeks to get full custody "official" by the courts (we have had our beautiful little boy for over a year with absolutely no contact by mother). When we were looking into a lawyer, we called and told them our basic case and we finally found one that had the child's best interest at heart and was willing to make a payment plan so that we could afford her. Tell your cousin to stay strong and take caer of her precious baby, but also to prepare herself to have to share that baby for the next 18 years...I wish you all the best of luck!!!

Brittany - posted on 12/23/2009

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I am sorry your cousin has to go through this, especially so soon after the baby was born. I do think that the 50/50 custody is extreme, but I also think the father needs to be involved. Maybe he can take the baby for the day on his days off? My husband has a baby from a previous relationship. In our situation, the mother did not want the baby and totally walked away at 6 months. We are going to court in a few weeks to get full custody "official" by the courts (we have had our beautiful little boy for over a year with absolutely no contact by mother). When we were looking into a lawyer, we called and told them our basic case and we finally found one that had the child's best interest at heart and was willing to make a payment plan so that we could afford her. Tell your cousin to stay strong and take caer of her precious baby, but also to prepare herself to have to share that baby for the next 18 years...I wish you all the best of luck!!!

Amber - posted on 12/23/2009

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I had a friend whose husbands sister was a junkie and it took them two years to take her children put of that situation. She should be fine. Also that same friend had the same problem where the father wanted 50/50. It took until the child was six before a judge granted it. And she was bottlefed. Also they have 50/50 now but she has physical placement and still gets child support. Tell her to hang in there. Everything will work out for the best!

Melanie - posted on 12/23/2009

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Quoting Hazel:



Quoting melanie




This is old school bigget BULLSHIT!   _what does a baby know of biggeted? its just nature_



They learn.








How is mommy paying the bills? Is she working? If so, how is she going to breastfeed from the breast while at work? -he shuold be paying the bills -



Why they're not together? she needs to show the courts how SHE is going to suport and provide for her child. She needs to get a job. Why would you expect a person to suport an other person, just because they had a bay, he needs to help out, but not suport her. Bigget.








I'm trying not to sound insenitive, I know how ahe feels I go through this every year at tax time. - i dont understand..you loose your newborn baby every year at tax time? what is tax time?-



In the US, every year in April we get money back from the goverenment, it's caled tax time. I get my ex's taxes every year because he doesn't pay his child suport.
I have never been the court for cusitdy, my ex threatens every year at that time.



"umimaginable, a bad state of mind in a mum can cause serious damage to a babies emotional health forever!" Thats crap, I wasn't breastfeed, hell I grew up in a hospital! and I I feel I'm emotionally scred from it. I'm more mentally scared from school years.






-i said a mother in a distressed state of mind will cause harm to a babies emotional health, dont miss qoute me-



Over dramatised and just a thery.






 






When a baby is born, it is not 0, it is 9 months old & for 9 months it has know one person , its mum. her voice, her breathing, her heartbeat. It already has a bond with someone it knows, now he wants to sever the only grasp on life that his baby has. Way to bond!



The baby hears everything going on around mommys belly, INCLUDING daddys vocie if he was talking to mommy in person after her 6th month.



You're so dramatic.






 






people are so ready to mess with nature, give it a bottle, give the father his "rights"! I say if its not broke dont fix it. if being with its dad 24 hours a day was best for baby he would have breasts  for crying out loud! _



Biggegt BS






While commenting on my thoughts melanie you failed to answer y this man needs more time to bond with his baby than any full time married dad..? Why cant he come round & bath the baby, cuddle it, change its nappy,help mum out & present a convivial enviroment for this poor wee baby. Why confuse its feeding & generally make its tiny life such hard work.



Why does a married man deserve more time then an unmarried father? More bigget BS.






Just because some babies loose their mums, or get brought up in hospital, or their mum cant breast feed for one reason or another & they are ok now dosn't meen its right, ppl make it through bad things, but y inflict them on a child when you have a choice..? Strive for ideal & after that keep as close to it as possible.



So tell men they don't deserve bonding time with their children?






Think think think of  nothing but the baby, & like it or not the mums emotional state directly affects baby, so causing her distress is not in their best interests.



Both parents are stressed and feel threatened. I'm telling them to grow up, put your shit behind you and do whats best. You're telling them to act like children.


 









 





 

Hazel - posted on 12/23/2009

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Quoting melanie



This is old school bigget BULLSHIT!   _what does a baby know of biggeted? its just nature_






How is mommy paying the bills? Is she working? If so, how is she going to breastfeed from the breast while at work? -he shuold be paying the bills -






I'm trying not to sound insenitive, I know how ahe feels I go through this every year at tax time. - i dont understand..you loose your newborn baby every year at tax time? what is tax time?-






"umimaginable, a bad state of mind in a mum can cause serious damage to a babies emotional health forever!" Thats crap, I wasn't breastfeed, hell I grew up in a hospital! and I I feel I'm emotionally scred from it. I'm more mentally scared from school years.



-i said a mother in a distressed state of mind will cause harm to a babies emotional health, dont miss qoute me-



 



When a baby is born, it is not 0, it is 9 months old & for 9 months it has know one person , its mum. her voice, her breathing, her heartbeat. It already has a bond with someone it knows, now he wants to sever the only grasp on life that his baby has. Way to bond!



 



people are so ready to mess with nature, give it a bottle, give the father his "rights"! I say if its not broke dont fix it. if being with its dad 24 hours a day was best for baby he would have breasts  for crying out loud!



While commenting on my thoughts melanie you failed to answer y this man needs more time to bond with his baby than any full time married dad..? Why cant he come round & bath the baby, cuddle it, change its nappy,help mum out & present a convivial enviroment for this poor wee baby. Why confuse its feeding & generally make its tiny life such hard work.



Just because some babies loose their mums, or get brought up in hospital, or their mum cant breast feed for one reason or another & they are ok now dosn't meen its right, ppl make it through bad things, but y inflict them on a child when you have a choice..? Strive for ideal & after that keep as close to it as possible.



Think think think of  nothing but the baby, & like it or not the mums emotional state directly affects baby, so causing her distress is not in their best interests.



 





 

Amanda - posted on 12/23/2009

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Quoting Jodi:



Quoting Nancy:

In Canada, it has been shown and researched and yes, 50/50 custody is where the courts START with Canadian family law.
Yes, having a newborn is very stressful, but if the parents are not together, when can the father bond with his child unless he is given just as much access as the mother. Having a good strong bond with both parents is what is best for the child.
Sometimes mothers die in childbirth and the fathers take care of a newborn all by themselves, so it is possible.
This would hurt me too if I was the mother, but I see custody battles all the time in the work I do, it almost always gets ugly, and the kids end up hurting. T
he best thing for the CHILD is to have equal access to her parents. Every child has the right to know and bond with both her parents. Period.






This is total and utter rubbish.  How many fathers TRULY spend 50% of their time with a newborn baby when the parents are together?  Let's all be honest here. On average, mum is home all day with a newborn baby and dad is out working.  Mum gets up at night to breastfeed the baby, dad sleeps the night. So far, 3/4 of the day is gone and no bonding. In general Dad probably spends only a couple of hours a day bonding with his bub at most.  As baby grows a little older, this time extends, and bonding time grows. 






I am in Australia where 50/50 is also now assumed, but there is not a judge in the court that would consider taking a newborn BREASTFEEDING baby from its mother for a full week at a time, unless the mother is declared unfit. An arrangement working out a couple of hours after work each evening, plus perhaps overnight every other weekend would be perfectly suitable in a situation where he is working (what is the point if he is shoving the baby off to daycare every other week???), and probably around the same time that most fathers spend with their newborn babies when the mother is a SAHM.  Certainly, arrangments should be staggered so that as the baby gets older, more time can be spent, but as long as the mother is breastfeeding why should she have to stop?  It certainly wouldn't be because the baby's best interests are being served.






You are absolutely right, custody battles can get nasty, and it should never be about the feelings of the parents.  What father would be so selfish as to assume a newborn baby who is being breastfed can spend 50% of its time with him?  He is not fighting for the baby's rights - he is fighting for his own selfish desires, and that is to screw with the mother of this baby.  Threats of full custody?  Yep, he's really thinking of the child's best interests....NOT. There are many OTHER suitable arrangments that would better suit a breastfeeding newborn that could be negotiated. No-one is suggesting that the child doesn't have the right to access to both parents, but there are other aspects to also consider in the best interests of a child.






Evidently you have not breastfed any of your own children, or you would see how impossible a 50/50 arrangement would be.





 

Matilda - posted on 12/23/2009

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far out that idiot thinks he can take away her baby... if she's breastfeeding then that's even MORE ridiculous, but even if she's not, a newborn needs to be ith their mother if AT ALL possible, and she sounds like she can defniitely raise the baby by herself. An apartment is a home just because it's not as big and doesnt have a garden like a house doesnt mean the baby won't grow up just fine. I hope she gets custody 24.7. Good luck to her from me and Maddie xxxxx

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