Custody Battle of a Newborn- please share your thoughts...

Danielle - posted on 12/17/2009 ( 238 moms have responded )

17

12

0

My cousin had her baby this week and the father wants 50/50 (her one week, him one week) custody of the baby. He is her ex-boyfriend. This ding dong doesn't understand that a NEWBORN can't be away from his mother for a whole week at a time. THEN...to top it off because she said no, she wont do that, he threatens to take the baby away completely!!! What an idiot...the state of Texas wont even take a baby from a drug user/addict alot of the time much less a regular person. He thinks he's better suited since he owns a home/makes $100,000+ a year and she makes less than half of that and has an apartment. He's already hired a lawyer and about to file a suit, she can't afford a lawyer and Is scared to death that he'll win. It's hard enough to raise a baby on your own, then to have someone putting all of this stress on you and trying to take him away. Share your thoughts please, be brutally honest.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

238 Comments

View replies by

April - posted on 12/21/2009

40

30

4

why not propose something both parties could agree on? When I had my son's I'd go with them for supervised visits, they were breast fed, the stupid hand pump I had was cr@p, I didn't like my ex so I slept on the couch and stuck to one room but at the same time I was there for the kids when they needed feeding and their Dad could see them too. I felt it was time to put aside any pettiness and just do well by the kids.
Why can't the mom do that?

Ada - posted on 12/21/2009

14

53

0

Quoting Melanie:

You guys need to get off the pro woman trip. When I was prego, my sons father didn't want the baby. He went as far as to tell me, when I was 6 months prego, "I'll pay for the abortion and give you a $50 tip." Think of how much that hurt me, but then our son was born, 1 of the scariest moments of my life, and his dad was right by my side. For the 1st 3 days after my son was born, I'd had a c-section, when ever I called the nusery for them to bring me my son, the nurse came in a gave me drugs and I was knocked out for an other 6 hours. I told them at addmition, I wanted to breastfeed my child, and for the 1st 3 days after birth the hospital, dismissed my wish to breastfeed and gave him formula. I worked with my son and got him to take the npple and a bottle. Then the 1st night at home with outrnew buddle of joy, I was having seizers and anxiety attacks, so I couldn't take care of our son, or breastfeed him for that matter, so his dad stepped up to the plate. Getting up every 2 hours with our son. We are now seperated, but we have worked things out so that we are both in our sons life. Men CAN take care of babies too, it's not just a bitching right for women anymore. You all need to stop thinking about your bad experiances also, this isn't about you or your sh*t. I think your cous needs to sit down with the father and a Mediation and reach an agreement. Courts just cause problems that werent really there in the first place. If anyone has a problem with wat I've said, just scroll up and read this stuff, it's mostly, he's and ass, hes not getting custody, and more stuff like that, and over what? cuz he wants 50/50 of his child?! What an ass...


I toltally agree with you Melanie,  the father is just as much a parent as the mother and should have just as much right.  Good on him for doing the right thing by his child.

Susan - posted on 12/21/2009

3

0

0

Get a lawyer! Search for one that will take payments. There are groups out there that will give u reduced rates based on income. It's so worth it. I tried to do a custody battle on my own and finally hired a lawyer. It was the best thing I ever did. The cost is nothing compared to your sanity and the well being of your baby.

Dorothy - posted on 12/21/2009

4

8

0

Surely no court would be crazy enough to agree to that, if one did I would think the mother would have to get child advocates to support her side of the argument. It is in the best interest of the baby to keep him/her with the mother.

Melanie - posted on 12/21/2009

28

32

0

You guys need to get off the pro woman trip. When I was prego, my sons father didn't want the baby. He went as far as to tell me, when I was 6 months prego, "I'll pay for the abortion and give you a $50 tip." Think of how much that hurt me, but then our son was born, 1 of the scariest moments of my life, and his dad was right by my side. For the 1st 3 days after my son was born, I'd had a c-section, when ever I called the nusery for them to bring me my son, the nurse came in a gave me drugs and I was knocked out for an other 6 hours. I told them at addmition, I wanted to breastfeed my child, and for the 1st 3 days after birth the hospital, dismissed my wish to breastfeed and gave him formula. I worked with my son and got him to take the npple and a bottle. Then the 1st night at home with outrnew buddle of joy, I was having seizers and anxiety attacks, so I couldn't take care of our son, or breastfeed him for that matter, so his dad stepped up to the plate. Getting up every 2 hours with our son. We are now seperated, but we have worked things out so that we are both in our sons life. Men CAN take care of babies too, it's not just a bitching right for women anymore. You all need to stop thinking about your bad experiances also, this isn't about you or your sh*t. I think your cous needs to sit down with the father and a Mediation and reach an agreement. Courts just cause problems that werent really there in the first place. If anyone has a problem with wat I've said, just scroll up and read this stuff, it's mostly, he's and ass, hes not getting custody, and more stuff like that, and over what? cuz he wants 50/50 of his child?! What an ass...

Maxine - posted on 12/21/2009

6

20

1

hey there tell your cousin don't worry about it and just have faith. For one no judge will take their newborns away from their mother unless the mother is in fault. meaning does drugs and such. Now if this goes into court well it will take a while before it does. Just tell your cousin to keep doing what she does and have no worries. Both parents have rights to their child unless they got something on each other that could play in court. Now the father wants 50/50 well he's gonna have to wait untill the baby is a little older if that is the case father will be supervised by mother 12 hrs a day due to the fact that she needs to breastfeed and do motherly duties. But there are other options when it plays in court like for one they would suggest that mother breastfeeds and bottle. If its 50/50 i would reccomend split days instead of weeks.Like every other day. or couple days

Heather - posted on 12/21/2009

8

5

0

Ouch that is awful. For bubs secure attachment he needs mum as primary carer. Also what about breast feeding??? I'm all for the importance of Bubs having an active involved relationship with Dad but in the first year it is crucial that a proper bonding occurs and if possible that bubs should be breast fed. Feel for her incredibly. Have no idea about legal options for her.

Tobi - posted on 12/21/2009

12

95

1

I just recently went thru this and I honest do not think he will win. The most he will get is visitations and because the baby is so young, I doubt they grant any overnight stays until the child is older. He probably will end up with supervised visits. He probably is doing it because of his income with what he makes compared to her, he will be paying a lot of support most men do that to try to avoid paying. It's sad because you think if you help bring a child into this world that it's ok to escape responsibility but she will be fine. She needs to seek legal services from her local county. Most states have where you can seek free legal help in such cases. As long as she is not unfit, she has no worries. Just make sure that is not denying him visitations and she should be fine and she needs to start a paper-trail of when he contacts her to see the baby and whether he shows up or not.

Ada - posted on 12/21/2009

14

53

0

My current partner and I went through this. We didnt fight for shared care 50-50 right from newborn though.

The courts will look at what is best for the child and usually time with both parents is best for the child. I dont think it is unreasonable for him to want 50/50 care. Maybe not from new born though. I dont know how the law works where you are but they may not find it unreasonable for you to express or bottle feed in order for the baby to have time with the father.

We had to fight for a good six years with my stepson's mother (we stayed away from court though) to get equal time with him. It wasnt til she became a step parent that she saw the males side of it all and gave us what we and my stepson wanted. He is now 8 and when he was 7 asked to come live with us fulltime which he is currently doing and is doing fantasticly at school and life.

I feel your sisters ex just wants to be in his childs life. She could make it alot easier on herself, her ex and her baby if she allowed him to do so.

It would be the worst situation to be in and understand how hard it would be but there is nothing that says because the mother gives birth to a child that they have more right to raise it :)

Jodi - posted on 12/21/2009

26,302

36

3891

Quoting Nancy:

Evidently you have not breastfed any of your own children, or you would see how impossible a 50/50 arrangement would be.

Wow... catty! I did breastfeed my own child actually! I was separated when my daughter was 5 months old, and I nursed well past that. I pumped and supplemented so that my daughter could have a relationship with her father's side of the family. Her paternal grandmother had her for 2 days when she was just 10 weeks old, and surprise surprise, it didn't damage her at all!
My husband to be and his ex split up when their twins were not quite 2. She took them from him and he fought for 18 months to get 50/50 custody. His ex HATED him for doing it, bad mouthed him constantly to the kids, but they are 5 now, and she isn't pissed off anymore, and it works.
Yes, traditionally the mother does most of the childrearing, but it does not mean that men can't. If he wants to, and is able to, then it is his son's right to bond with him.



There is a big difference between a 5 month old breastfed baby and a newborn breastfed baby.



And there is a big difference between 2 days and 7 days.



I ABSOLUTELY AGREE that men can raise children, and should have reasonable access, and in a lot of cases, equal access.  But seriously, a newborn breastfed baby is just NOT appropriate.



That doesn't mean dad can't perhaps have bubs for an hour each day after work, or a day on a weekend, or even the occasional overnight.  But it is detrimental to the breastfeeding if you try to pump for 7 days.



My point?  Did you ever try to pump breastmilk for excessively extended periods of time (and 2 days doesn't count), and not have your milk production reduce?





Any man prepared to take his child away from being exclusively breastfed to meet HIS needs is selfish in my opinion. Ask the World Health Organisation.

[deleted account]

If it goes to court (find legal aide) she needs to stress that the baby will be breastfed, and therefore can't be away from her for that long, because the baby will need milk, and she will need to feed him. She needs to stress that it is what is best for the baby that she has inmind. What sort of visitation does she want the fatehr to have, if she seems reasonable then I can't really see the problem. If they can try and get along (which they should for the sake of the baby) I don't see why the baby can't live with her, and he can come over when ever and see the baby, and help out. As long as she can prove that she is stable, and her home is safe and baby friendly, and that she is going to breastfeed I think they would have a hard case taking the baby away.

Kathy - posted on 12/21/2009

688

32

24

Wow theres so many I would like to reply to, but I'm not going back to get names... First of all yes I'd be in heaven in my babys daddy took care of her for a whole week, but we live together so she'd still be here. Second to whoever said that the baby can't see across the room yet that she need nourishment from mommy more than a cuddle from daddy, with breastfeeding thats a half truth, it doesn't matter that she might not see well yet she still needs bonding time with daddy when she can get it. My hubby works hours that are all over the place driving. I'll get up durring the week because he's on the road, he gets up on weekends. From when he gets home, which could be 3:30pm or it could be alot later, as late as 8pm he hardly lets me even hold her cause he wants daddy daughter time. It may not quite be 50/50, but its the most he can do. He was also the first one to hold her at the hospital, I had a c-section and they handed her to him because I couldn't hold her.

If I was in your cousins position I would sit down and talk to the ex and try to make an arrangement that works for him, her and baby. 50/50 would be good for baby, get time with both sides of the family and both mommy & daddy, just a little harder to arrange when breastfeeding, but like one mom said, she can pump and if needed daddy can offer formula if theres no milk left. As far as the crys to help the hormones, maybe don't do a week at a time, maybe 2-3 days.... I know if I was a single mom I'd welcome a few days to myself. Daddy also has to keep a few things in mind, I wouldn't send a newborn to daycare is he going to take a year off if he gets full custody?? If they do a week on a week off how is only working every second week going to affect that 6 figure income?

Melissa - posted on 12/21/2009

113

30

5

He's trying to intimidate her ! I can't imagine how stressful this must be on her. But I hope she won't let him intimidate her. If she could only do some research on the subject, maybe even on the internet, or have one consultation with an lawyer, maybe this would help her see that he can't take the baby. BTW judges decide what's in the best interest of the child, and of course, it's best for an infant to be with the mother, but I think even a judge would see that this father isn't thinking of the child's best interest, and that makes him look bad...manipulative j**k threatening to take maybe away completely, he can't, it's impossible unless the mother is abusive or negletful. Of course, he'll probably try and say she is, because she had a coffee when she was pregnant or some stupid reason, but I work in psychology, and trust me, unless the mother has a MAJOR hard drug addiction or something like that, he has no chance ! Tell her not to be scared, he's a manipulative j**k, and judges aren't stupid, he'll see right through him, at it will backfire on him !

Esther - posted on 12/21/2009

3,513

32

144

Quoting Nancy:

I'm guessing the feeling of being put off is probably mutual. There is no reason why a father cannot handle a new born at night... most mothers would think they had died and gone to heaven if the father wanted to take care of the baby all day for a week!


I would think that I had died and gone to hell if someone had tried to take my newborn away from me for a whole week at a time. Not to mention the fact that it would be a hugely unstable situation for such a little child. I think it's great that the father wants to be involved, but I don't think this is at all a reasonable proposition and I cannot imagine the court siding with him. Lawyer or no lawyer.

Mary - posted on 12/21/2009

6

2

0

Does the baby have the father's last name? If they are not married and have never been, she is the legal guardian in almost all cases. The father's income does not automatically make him a better parent and may in fact make his less able to stay home with the baby. A mother that is breastfeeding her newborn is on the right track to being a wonderful parent, putting her child first as is appropriate. I see no reason this Mom will have to worry about custody unless some information is being withheld. If Mom has an addiction to illegal drugs, is an alcoholic, a prostitute or some other undesirable lifestyle, then she needs to straighten up for her child or lose her child.

Nancy - posted on 12/21/2009

6

0

0

Way to go Theresa!!
So many women on here are saying that men can't, or won't. Well, men CAN and they DO!!
Brutally honest... here it goes, your cousing doesn't WANT to be away from her baby, and that is perfectly normal. Just because they are normal feelings though, doesn't make it right, for her, the baby, and the baby's father. She has a baby with a man she doesn't want to be with, but the man doesn't want to loose his baby.
Just like we learned how to do in Kindergarten, they have to share!
Mediation is the answer, lawyers make money off long court battles, but I wonder if its best for the child.
What is right for the child matters!!!

Theresa - posted on 12/21/2009

1,310

22

231

First you said to be butally honest. It sounds like your cousin needs to make betterchoices before she starts sleeping with someone. But the baby is already here so let's move on. Obviously we don't kow the whole story and unless you're close with the father neither do you. There are 3 sides to every story. His, hers and the truth that is usually somewhere in between. I commend the father for wanting to be a part of his child's life. There are way too many that just walk away. He may be going about things wrong, but maybe his heart is in the right place. It sounds like they need a mediator, not court. They need a 3rd party to help them come up with a plan that is best for all involved. The baby is best off with BOTH parents in it's life. Maybe not 50/50 yet. A lot of people were saying what does a father know about caring for a newborn. He knows just as much as the mother does when it's a first child. They don't coe with instructions and we all have to figure out what we're doing. There are fathers who get up in the middle of the night with their babies and change diapers and feed etc. I understand your cousin doesn't want to have to be without the baby even for a day, but when you have a baby with someone and the relationship ends that's what you have to do. It sounds like he was pretty involved in the preagnancy and birth, so he sounds like he could be a good father and he should be given the chance. Even if he stayed off to the side, didn't cut the cord or want to hold the baby. Many men aren't sure what they should be doing during birth and are scared to hold such a tiny helpless being right away. My husband also was a bit off to the side for our first child's birth. the nurses kind of pushe dhim out of the way. He was watching though. He also had no interest in cutting the cord for any of our 3 and I'm sure he won't for the 4th. He didn't want to hold our first born the first day either. He had not been around babies and it scared him that our son was little he was afraid he'd hurt him. He got over it and is a great, involved father.

Nancy - posted on 12/21/2009

6

0

0

Evidently you have not breastfed any of your own children, or you would see how impossible a 50/50 arrangement would be.

Wow... catty! I did breastfeed my own child actually! I was separated when my daughter was 5 months old, and I nursed well past that. I pumped and supplemented so that my daughter could have a relationship with her father's side of the family. Her paternal grandmother had her for 2 days when she was just 10 weeks old, and surprise surprise, it didn't damage her at all!
My husband to be and his ex split up when their twins were not quite 2. She took them from him and he fought for 18 months to get 50/50 custody. His ex HATED him for doing it, bad mouthed him constantly to the kids, but they are 5 now, and she isn't pissed off anymore, and it works.
Yes, traditionally the mother does most of the childrearing, but it does not mean that men can't. If he wants to, and is able to, then it is his son's right to bond with him.

Vicky - posted on 12/21/2009

49

15

1

Melanie, child support and custody are two separate issues in Texas and are NOT dependent upon the other. So while you might see a mother in the movies say, "if you don't pay child support, you can forget about seeing your kids" - that is just not going to happen. Legally, a mother cannot prevent a father from seeing his kids unless it was proven that he would be harm to the child. If he doesn't pay, the government does "lean" on him as much as the government can (garnishing his wages), but if the man wants to be a total bastard, there's nothing the woman or the government can do but hope that the child learns to see this.

Melanie - posted on 12/21/2009

28

32

0

Has anyone thought, maybe the reason he want 50/50 is so he doesn't have to pay child suport? Just a thought.

Jennifer - posted on 12/21/2009

29

22

2

wow what a situation!!!! i'm in england and know nothing about US law but surly there is some lawer who will look at the case and point your cousin in the right direction?? she needs to get herself represented if it does go to court because she needs someone whos not so close to the situation to keep a clear head. if she were to break down in court she could end up leaving out vital information that could make all the difference to the outcome! she needs to stay strong over here a mother would never be seperated from her child unless there was substance abuse or neglect. She has a job and her own apartment , the fact that he has a house and better paid job is errelivent who is going to look after the kid whislt he works? if mum goes back to work its normally grandparents or trusted friend or partner that will look after the young one at least at first until the mum feels comfortable leaving them in a nursary ect. i know i did with my 5. its not going to look good for him if he was to get full custordy then dump the child with a nanny or nursary whilst he works sorry to put it bluntly.
if your cousin is breastfeeding she needs to keep it up, document every little thing, nappy changes, baths, feeds, how many times he wakes in the night how she gets him to sleep ...everything plus make records of every conversation with daddy to back up whatever she says, offer him time during the day and record what he says, 50/50 works for some but not for others. if she was to offer him say 3 hours a day, feed just before and just after so he gets the full 3 hours (if baby is 3 hourly feed that is) if he refuses then if it does get to court shes got ammo that proves that she is willing to allow him time with the child and he refuses. offer it every time he calls the more she appers to be giving the better it will look in court! he will be the stubborn fool whos turning down offers of time with his son hope it all goes ok and keep us posted as to what happens x

Penny - posted on 12/21/2009

2

8

0

Texas has a Family Code that is followed in the court systems. You can google Texas Family Code (Vernon Civil Statutes) and then read about custody. The court's have taken the position that two parents are better than one, unless there is proof the child will be abused by one of the parents. But, from what I remember, there are no overnight visits non-custodial parent until the child is three years old. Texas law does not care how much money one parent makes over the other and they will almost always make the mother the custodial parent. There will be joint custody but that just means they both make decisions on the baby's religion, healthcare, etc. Tell your cousin not to panic and read the Family Code, but the courts do recognize he is the baby's father (which I assume she is absolutely certain of) and will work out a situation that is in the baby's best interest. Of couse, the baby's best interest would be for the parents to work together because they have 18 long years of joint parenting. She can also log onto the Texas Attorney General's website and complete the paperwork to get the father into the system to start paying child support and she might could get some help from them (but don't expect much, just stay on them). Honestly, the best thing she can do is stay calm and not act like a crazy woman. And, I'm a firm believer in prayer!

Crystal - posted on 12/21/2009

38

50

0

Was the drug user and example or is she because being the financial facts he would show more stability and she would loose if she abused drugs. His financial stability will win him points for sure. Chances are they will not take a baby especially a new born away from it's mother unless that mother is proven to be an unfit mother and that is usually kind of hard to prove. If she is stable doesn't matter her income if she pays her bills and can provide. If she is on welfar etc... doesn't look so good but probably not an issue. Chances are he will have so to say 50/50 but won't be enforced till the baby is older. They could request her to pump milk new borns don't necessarily need to be with mommy alll the time it is just more beneficial. He would most likely have visiting rights though! So proving say she is nursing and plans on nursing for say a full year and a new born you generally nurse what about every 2 hours give or take safe to say or I would say but I don't know law she would keep her baby until baby is older then joint custody would be implimented. But he can screw himself into a good child support if he wants to prove his income ;) I'm guessing that would be more than $700 or more/mo for one child... doesn't matter if he has the baby for that month or not he would still have to pay. I live in Canada, my ex lives in Texas we have two kids he still has to pay me even if he has them for half a year because we have 50/50 custody but I am the primary parents/caregiver so mainly I have the kids and he gets them 3/4 summer every other holiday and on fathers days... make sense! I didn't make that much money and he makes good but it doesn't matter he makes better income so he would be the source of income for the family anyway before they split correct. Oh yes he is also responsible for the kids education expenses after high school too and medical etc...!

Marcella - posted on 12/20/2009

9

15

0

This happened to me before in Arizona. My fiance left me at 8 months pregnant. I had always left the door open for him to be part of the baby's life. Then I got notice from the Courts that he wanted a full custody battle. I too was a breastfeeding mother, during the battle I of course had custody. We went through the court's family conciliation program to try and work things out but he would not budge. The lesson I learned was to document everything, all calls, each time he came by to see the baby, every threat he made and each attempt he made to hold or not to hold our son. In the end, 10months later when the judge was to decide our fates, his lawyer came in and he dropped the suit. I got full custody and he was ordered to pay child support and put health insurance. I did not have financial help from any one, but made arrangements with a lawyer to make payments so that I had representation. Tell your cousin to keep her chin up, join a mothers group only associate with people that will be beneficial for her and baby and not look bad in court. Keep all documentation for everything was the key thing. I had even allowed him to visit without me present with a Court Supervised visits. I let him meet with our son before but he dropped him and didn't pick him up so after that I told him he was not fit to watch over the baby alone. The judge agreed and we did supervised visits. We scheduled them between feedings so that he could begin a relationship with his father. In the end since he dropped the suit, he didn't reappear until my son was 7 yrs old. Then he visited the one time for two hours, then not again until he was nine. At that point he finally signed and waived his rights. I met my husband when my son was 2, married when he was 4 and my husband adopted my son. I know this sounds bad, but things happen fir a reason. Just stay focus on God, and everything will fall into place as they should be. That's how I survived and I now have a wonderful husband and two more beautiful children to be grateful for!

Shonene - posted on 12/20/2009

39

13

2

She needs an advocate, and quickly. Unless he can prove her unfit, she needs to make a case for him to have "shared" parenting and her the residential/custodial parent. As for this individual, he seems like a pompous butt. Glad to read he wants to be involved, but at the expense of alienating the babies mother. PHEW, good luck with this one.

Vicky - posted on 12/20/2009

49

15

1

Just to further the importance of her doing her homework, once that father realizes how much work it is to care for a newborn, he'll give up insisting on the custody arrangements. In fact, he may try to just take the baby after that. Not meaning to scare you, but what the women are arguing about - that weeklong visits won't be healthy for the child - realize that the father COULD argue this fact too as a way for HIM to get de facto custody. I would suggest that the mother allows the father to visit once a day for an hour each time. The baby's environment is established as well as his visitation WITHIN the child's schedule. I would question the true interests of both parents trying to work out a week rotation. For a child that needs to be fed every two hours - that's too long and unrealistic for a baby's interest. Right now, the custody arrangements should not be the main focus - the baby should be. The custody arrangements will figure themselves out according to the baby's schedule.

Michelle - posted on 12/20/2009

2

0

0

Thats disgusting, money dosent matter here, a child needs both parents,, yes,,, but to to and fro the baby like this will upset its routines etc, it will have different routine from each parent and will just get used to one way then it will all change again. This can only damage a baby and any sensible parent will realise that, it is good the dad want s to see his child but if he truly loved the child he would want whats best for it and put a stop to this ridiculas idea that this arrangement can work.

Ashley - posted on 12/20/2009

5

33

0

I have worked in the system for almost 6 years. In order for him to take the child from her, he HAS to have proof that she is an unfit mother. More than likely, the judge will not take the child from the mother if she is breastfeeding. But I know for a fact that the father HAS to have proof in order to take the child from the mother. She also needs to get a lawyer. Good luck and I hope this helps.

Delia - posted on 12/20/2009

6

4

0

judges arnt stupid they will see what is right for the newborn which is his mother just make sure she shows she is brest feeding if she is and that he uses drugs

[deleted account]

I hope this guy is just full of hot air and empty threats. He sounds like a bully & no way should he get 50/50 much less full custody!

Shan - posted on 12/20/2009

7

0

0

Tell her that man is TTTOOOO FFFUUUNNNYYYY!! She has nothing to worry about especially if she is breastfeeding. He would have to prove her unfit and a drug addict to get a thought on giving him custody. Tell her to continue enjoying her blessing! My daughters father got hour visits every other day when my daughter was first born and i was breastfeeding and his visits had to be at a time that did not effect her daily routine. Before the age of 2 a judge/court would nto take a child from its mother like that unless the mother is harming the child.

Kate CP - posted on 12/20/2009

8,942

36

754

Y'all are forgetting that this is happening in Texas. Which means anything goes, honestly. There is no telling what a judge will say or do during this process. Bottom line is this: the girl needs a lawyer.

Lonia - posted on 12/20/2009

1

0

0



I will pray for your cousin.  Just remind her to keep her cool the best she can, continue taking care of the baby, ask for help from friends and family,, and write down everything he does or does not do.  Journals are great especially great after having a baby - you start to forget things.  There are legal services that are free in Family Court.  In addition, she can request monetary child support.  She is breast feeding - I cannot see him getting custody unless she is just unfit.  Make sure that she is fair, however, in visitation and overnight stays.  She may consider an overnight visit once per week - Friday to Saturday or Saturday to Sunday, and pump her milk for one night of the week. 



I do think visitations should happen after the infant has settled in - some type of structure and schedule should be in place (usually after the 1st month).  Moving from house to house can be too much shock and instability on the baby right away - move into it gradually. I realize this is very emotional for both of them, so parenting classes may be required or recommended by the court.  This is not who has the money... remind her to focus on being the best mom she can be that includes gracefully dealing with her ex-boyfriend.  Don't let him push her buttons.  This is about the best interest of the child and to avoid using the baby to get back at each other.  EVERYONE loses out.





 

Lillie - posted on 12/20/2009

1

0

0

Well it's not how much money a parent got. It's if u can take care of the baby or not. If she's a great mother and she shows the court dat I don't think they should take a newborn child from the mother.

Ashlea - posted on 12/20/2009

189

13

11

My sister breastfed her child and her ex tried the same thing...they will never allow it...ever! A child that young can't be without his mother #1 and #2...can't be without his milk...which is his mom...so no...they won't let it fly.

Eva - posted on 12/20/2009

8

2

1

i don't know what state this happening in bu i live in fl i kow for a fact that if they were never married she has sole cousody and the courts when they go 50/50 they will start with him taking the baby everyother weekend until the baby hit four then it would be split 6 months for her 6 months for him not by the week that is not being stable but she should not worry , courts see peole always trying to use i got more money syndrome to get custody if they weren't married i would leave the state for a while maybe a moth or so i want you to email me if you can to rosarioeva12@yahoo.com i can give you more info there been through this myself eva

Melanie - posted on 12/20/2009

28

32

0

I was told the same thing, Francesca Stranges said, when I threatend with coustidy of my son.
I also agree with, Nancy Oldham. More men are wanting to involved in their childrens lifes, and we have to remeber, just because we are the mother does not give us over all rights to a child. It takes 2 to tango, the baby is what it is 50/50 both.
My question is, what kind of coudusity did you friend want? Cuz it doesn't sound like sh wantsthe dad involved. Breast milk can be pumped and it last for 48 hours, she can pump 1 way and drop it off the next. I fail to see where there was a problem.

Tiffany - posted on 12/20/2009

1

5

0

Sorry ex boyfriend but no judge in their right mind is going to allow any of that to happen, my ex had the best lawyer i was government assisted with no place to live at the time and i was awarded full custody of my children who are def not newborns, it does not matter how much he or her earn it is in the interest of the child and it does not take einstein to tell this ex that he has absolutely no hope, cuz and bub u will remain together even if he wins the lottery so chin up and cherish you new bub and dont stress to much, i know its hard my babes are my heartbeat with them i couldnt function, in my opinion and speaking of experience as my ex did take my children off me for 4 months the only kind of father that takes a child from their mother is not a fathers arsehole and is only trying to hurt your counsin, all the best danielle!!!!

Vicky - posted on 12/19/2009

49

15

1

I live in Texas (Houston area) and am going through a divorce. My marriage was rocky before we became pregnant, but the pregnancy happened after divorce papers were filed. My lawyer bailed on me (long story that's irrelevant) and most other lawyers wanted $3000 for a retainer, which, after my son was born, I had NO money for even gas sometimes. Have her contact the Attorney General. They will represent the CHILD and help to ensure that the custody arrangements are addressed and fairly done. I did not take this route though, I was able to receive financial assistance so that allowed me to hire an attorney.

In this difficult period, this is what I learned - there are lawyers in Texas that work pro-bono, but you have to search for them. There are also people willing to help a person out financially, which she could talk with her employer's HR department, her church, or any organization with whom she's involved. Document everything and do as much research as she can. Get books and become an informed and involved client - the less work the lawyer has to do, the cheaper it is. The way to achieve that is if your cousin does her homework.

Regarding Child Support/Custody - it depends on the county where they will be filing, but the courts will encourage both parties to work it out as much as possible. If it becomes evident that this won't happen, I believe the state has a pretty standard custody arrangement. Alternating weekend visitations with one night during the week. If I understand correctly, I don't think the state will grant what the father is looking for - weekly custody - until the child is over 3 years of age. After that, alternating holidays and a few weeks out of the summer. All of this is dependent of course on the distance between the mother and the father.

As far as the father moving on the custody, he's in full rights to do this. The State of Texas does not proceed with divorces during pregnancy, so I would assume this includes custody/child support cases as well. I would hope that, while she was enjoying her pregnancy, she was also preparing for this. Whatever the situation, please plan on helping her out quite a bit with the emotions and adjustments of welcoming her bundle of joy. This will be an extremely difficult time for her to cope with legal issues on top of adjusting to the baby. I highly advocate that she seeks psychological counseling. She'll need to separate her emotions as much as she can during the proceedings. Of all things, she needs to keep her child's best interests in her heart and in her mind. The difficulties she goes through now will make her stronger and more capable of raising her child, especially if the focus she has is the baby. I was able to find this link to the State Bar. It has some references that should be able to guide her to the help she may be seeking:



http://www.texasbar.com/Template.cfm?Sec...



I wish you, her, and the baby all the best of luck. I hope this helps and I hope that you keep us informed with how things work out for her.

Stacey - posted on 12/19/2009

26

40

1

ok first of all there is NOOOOOO way any one in their right mind would take a newborn away from their mother! As long as she is good to that baby and takes care of him/her the way it shold be taking care of then she has nothing to worry about! And just because she doesn't make as much as him or owns her own home that isn't a good enough reason to take the baby away. Not that I am judging any one but there are parents that live in poverty and still have their children! I would like for you to tell your cousin that she has enough on her plate with having a newborn that she doesn't need to sweat this! And with her being a single mother she should be able to get some legal help for free or close to it! Just call your local court house and ask! Hope all this helps and I will pray for your cousin! God Bless!

[deleted account]

I do not know these people so I can't honestly say one way or the other if he would be a good parent or not. What I can say, coming from a broken home myself and seeing how my wonderful loving husband is suffering at the hands of his ex wife and her turning his children against him even tho she cheated on him and caused their divorce.....If he is a good man at heart and can give his child love, nurturing and a good loving home when he has the child with him, then it's only fair he get 50/50 custody. There is no reason a baby can not be away from his mother for a week. She can pump milk and they can use baby formula. A child needs the love and nurturing and guidance of both parents regardless of the parents hatred or anger towards each other. Unless this man is abusive, does drugs or has some other serious issues, I give him much respect for wanting to be a big part of his childs life. When that child is grown it will mean so much to know that both the parents loved and cared for him/her. People let their anger towards their ex come into play way too much where children are involved. I know, I've lived it firsthand and have a lot of scars in my heart to show for it.

Jennifer - posted on 12/19/2009

1

7

0

I went through a divorce when my daughter was 6 months old and my ex did get one overnight every weekend it was required by our county guidelines and he got to see her 2 nights a week for 2 hours. She does need a lawyer and to file what exactly she wants and is willing to give and talk to her lawyer about the guidelines for where she lives because typically when parents agrue that is exactly what a judge is going to give them. It doesnt matter where she lives as long as she is able to provide a stable home environment then seh will be fine. also file for child support

Marie - posted on 12/19/2009

3

6

0

Who gave birth here! until the baby is not so small ! and can handle being back and forth .This shouldn't even be a discussion .He just sounds like he is selfish person.
And unless she is unfit in all aspects, she will be fine to keep the baby.Keep track of what he does and says just in case he turns nutty... Be firm! tell him to come buy any time but he or she is not ready for back and forth. Can't this guy be reasonable he makes how much! and works what kind of hrs! Is he even going to have time to watch the baby! or is he going to have some stranger do it... A Lot to say bout this..
Be smart get some help now!

Jacqueline - posted on 12/19/2009

1

0

0

I have been through this. Money may talk but a child needs their mother. I see alot of people say if she brestfeeds...... But the thing about that is the courts can tell her to buy a pump. It's aweful. There isw a bond that you can take from a mother and child. She needs to just stand up and say NO..... He's her ex for a reason. Was he there during the pregnancy?? That makes a differance. And him saying he will take the child completely is a THREAT. SHe needs to documant everything. Everytime they talk. What he says. The date and everything. Everytime he sees the baby Bring it to court. The state doesn't just take a baby away unless he is abusive or something like like. Tell her to keep her head up and be strong......

Veronica - posted on 12/19/2009

1

1

0

Breast feed - the baby cannot be taken away from its main source of nutrition!!! Surely he would have to prove she is a unfit mother (and this will be hard to do)- it doesnt matter who has more money if he has so much he can provide child support it sounds like he is still wanting to control her life - tell her not to stress just keep doing the best for her child and it any judge will see the truth - get a lawyer and research any other cases to back you up - good luck with it all

Firebird - posted on 12/18/2009

2,660

30

521

Quoting kerry:

most people r replying as if the dad wants 2 take the baby away and get full custody he dosent he wants 50/50 whats wrong with that the 1 week here 1 week there thing wont work espesh on some1 so lil just tell her 2 sit down with him and talk forget lawyers and tell him 2 4 get his they both want whats best 4 the baby and she shud be thankfull that he wants 2 be so involved in the babies life i no a lot who just walk away. tell them both that they need 2 grow up and sort this out between them because at the end ov the day a baby is in the middle and the baby is the most important thing.


Most people are replying that way because it says in the original post that the father has threatened to take the baby away completely. So there you have it.



 



" My cousin had her baby this week and the father wants 50/50 (her one week, him one week) custody of the baby. He is her ex-boyfriend. This ding dong doesn't understand that a NEWBORN can't be away from his mother for a whole week at a time. THEN...to top it off because she said no, she wont do that, he threatens to take the baby away completely!!! "

Rachel - posted on 12/18/2009

37

12

0

The legal system wont give the father the child cause he makes more money. The only way the court system will take the child away from the mother is if the father can show proof that she is an unfit mother, and cant properly take care of her child. I see cases like this all the time.

As far a a 50/50 custody its very unlikely at first, expecially if the mother is breast feeding. But as in ever custody battle its what the judge decides. Either the way aslong as she can provide the child with food and a home, clothes and the essentials she has nothing to worry about. Its very rare (but not impossible) for a man to get sole custody of a child.

Kerry - posted on 12/18/2009

173

22

19

most people r replying as if the dad wants 2 take the baby away and get full custody he dosent he wants 50/50 whats wrong with that the 1 week here 1 week there thing wont work espesh on some1 so lil just tell her 2 sit down with him and talk forget lawyers and tell him 2 4 get his they both want whats best 4 the baby and she shud be thankfull that he wants 2 be so involved in the babies life i no a lot who just walk away. tell them both that they need 2 grow up and sort this out between them because at the end ov the day a baby is in the middle and the baby is the most important thing.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms