Dad took little one to the doctor

Elizabeth - posted on 01/24/2010 ( 22 moms have responded )

11

18

0

Yeah I know this seem like no big deal but it is. Dad only gets her 30 hours a month 9 months out of the year and that is supervised. Ok yes there are many things wrong with that but that is not what is wrong right now. So he picks her up for her visit and everything is fine. I think all is good until I get my good night call and she tells me that daddy put drops in her eyes. The person that I am I ask her to put dad on. He says that when he picked her up her eyes were red and puffy. That was news to everyone in the house that he picked her up from. She was fine the min she stepped out the door and then all the sudden something happened by the time she got to the car. Any way there are two problems that I have. One he has no idea what her medical history is and could not tell a doctor because although I call every time something is wrong he never answers his phone so I text to let im know that something is wrong but he never calls to see what it is. Two he is not aloud to get her medical treatment with out me there stated in the court order. So why an I hearing from my child hours after a doctor has seen her that there is a problem. Now I have to go back home and take her again to make sure that everything is ok. I know that may sound strange but what he thinks is pink eye could just be an allergic reaction to something we have been having alot of those lately some so bad we have ended up in the ER. But he would not know this. So now I have to find a way to teach my child yet another thing that has to be done when she is at her dads and that is not fair to her. She is six and she already has to know that grandma can not leave her alone with dad and what she is allergic to because they do not know. Silly me I did not go over the medications she was allergic to because I thought I would get a call before it came to that. I should not have to protect my child from her father and if I am having to maybe I should go back to court but I feel so bad that she almost never sees him already. If you have any ideas I would love to hear them because I am so stressed out I can not even think.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Stefanie - posted on 01/24/2010

364

13

43

how about communicate with HIM, instead of through your poor daughter, and learn to be CO-parents of this child. she should not be put in the middle. Your an adult and so is he so find a way to make it work without putting the child in the middle.

Sharon - posted on 01/24/2010

11,585

12

1314

you're all missing the salient points



1. he has supervised visitation - something is wrong with him that he can't be alone with his child



2. he hardly ever sees her, probably doesn't care as much as the rest of you think he should/does.



3. if he gave a rats ass or had brain 1, he would have called the parent who has her 99% of the time to ask "is there something wrong with her eyes because they're all red & puffy."



What you should do.....



1. find out what doctor treated your child without a medical history and threaten to sue the shit out of him.



2. notify your court appointed mediator or cps - whoever moderates this custody agreement.



3. look out. parents taking kids to the doctor when nothing is really wrong screams that they're trying to prove neglect or abuse.



IF he isn't that much of an asshole - then you're overreacting.



You don't have to teach your daughter anything. Follow the rules, report him and have his visitation suspended or have his mother removed as visitation supervisor.

Beth - posted on 01/24/2010

42

17

6

Yea it does seem like your making a big deal out of this, but I would be upset also.But,and there is always a but.. Why would he take her to a DR if he didn't really see something wrong with her eyes ? and yes he should have called you right away, but if he doesn't see her very often he might have panicked and didn't think to call..It sounds like U both need to settle down and get over hating each other and think of your daughter.. I so hope you don't bad mouth her Daddy in front of her! What a terrible thing for a child to have to hear and then try to deal with.. Its not up to teaching your child what to do, its up to you, what a thing to lay on a 6 year old! And what was mentioned all ready, where was the person who was supposed to be supervising the visit ?
And you know, problems can arise in a matter of minutes This mostly just sounds like a hate letter about the Dad. It's up to you to make sure that if Dad doesn't seem to care what she is allergic to, that Grandma has a list! this should be about your daughters health, not that he didn't ask for a list, so you didn't give him one.. this is all game playing and your Daughter shouldn't have to suffer because of it.. DEstress and REthing the issues at hand.. Good luck :)

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

22 Comments

View replies by

Monica - posted on 02/17/2010

2

23

0

My ex does that same type of stuff. Thankfully, I trust his parents as his mother is a nurse practitioner. If the two of you can be civil with each other, you can be the one to supervise the visits. That's what I did for a short time, not mandated, I just insisted on being there because he had no idea what he was doing with our two children. Just keep praying. God tends to lay out obvious answers when we don't expect it.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/16/2010

11

18

0

My goal has always been to give him time and space with our child. However what ever I do does not get anywhere. When we went to court he asked for every other weekend and one day during the week. Now that is normal but it makes it funny because we live 200 miles apart so that was never going to happen. I came back yes I low balled so that we could meet in the middle I said I will call him every night so he can talk to her. He said ok and it has gone up from there and not alot because of other things and the fact that he has never really wanted her. I thank you all for all you help and everything that you have said. I can tell that some of you know what I am going through and I thank you. I am going through every emotion right now as I will be taking her back up soon and do not like the feeling. I told him a day or two after we left last month when we would be coming up next and he called a couple days ago and said I had not told him anything. What a great trip this will be.

Amanda - posted on 02/08/2010

12

20

1

Girl men a dumb and dont see things our way most of the time so breathe first of all. Secondly communicate with this man its the only way to solve things. Going to the courts may stress you more whereas u might solve things easier and less stressful by first trying to talk to him

Gaone - posted on 02/04/2010

7

4

0

this is sireous so don take it lightly dear. he has to let you know when something is wrong before he can do anything. if it is a real emergency he lets you know while on the way to the hospital so you can meet them there. you are not silly at all you spend the entire time with the baby so you know your baby`s problems much more than he does so you can give better history at the hospital. i believe tha if he continues then the social workers need to intervine or even the court to revisit his limitations. he is shwoing no respect to you, for the fact that he doesn usually take your calls whenever there is something wrong and won`t respond to your message alierts! he is selfish and claerly doesn`t love his daugter othrwise he wudn be behaving so irresponsibly. if i was i the same situation i willl cut him off untill my baby is growm up to make wise decisions. the baby`s wellbeing comes first.

Alicia - posted on 02/04/2010

5

6

0

All i can say is if the courts gave him some kind of custody to ur little one then maybe u should let him be a dad and not get all hysterical when it comes to him taking her to the doctor. At least he had some sense to take her. there are alot of dead beat dads out there who really dont care about their kids and that is sad. Let him be a dad. Yes he should have called u but men dont always think straight if at all. Thats y they arent called "MOM". Women are better suited for that but at least give him some credit and dont put him down in front of ur baby girl because no matter what a daddy is a little girls #1 hero.

Sandi - posted on 02/03/2010

181

13

9

To solve one aspect could you type up a list of things she is allergic to so she can pack it when she goes to stay at his? If you type it then you can update it as you go along and figure out what causes her reactions. If in future she has an accident *touch wood* and needs attention before you arrive or get a call then they will know right away what she can't have.

Just a thought.

Renae - posted on 02/02/2010

2,209

23

154

Kids are tougher than we give them credit for. When I was 9 I was attacked by a dog. I was with my father who was only allowed to have me because his girlfriend at the time was there to supervise, another adult had to be present. We were out in the country visitng the girlfriends parents and their dog bit me several times on the face. Dad took me to a local country health clinic where they just have a couple of nurses. He wanted them to stitch me up on the spot without anesthetic and wouldn't let me call my mum. I was scared of getting stitches and knew it would hurt so I didn't want them to stitch me up. I also knew he wasn't allowed to take me to the doctor and that if I was hurt or sick he was supposed to call my mum straight away. I pulled a nurse aside and told her that my Dad was not my legal guardian and he was not allowed to get me medical treatment under the court order and that she had to contact my mother. The nurse immediately listened to me and took me into another room to call my mum. The nurse didn't let dad take me anywhere she kept me in the room until my mum arrived to take me to hospital. I ended up needing to be put under general anesthetic because the wounds were so deep they needed stitching internally.



I knew from the age of 7 that my Dad was not be trusted. I knew that if he so much as opened a bottle of beer I had to sneak away and call my mum. I knew he wasn't allowed to be alone with me. I remember one time when he said we would be with his girlfriend but she wasn't there when we got to his house, I ran away to a neighbours house and called my mum.



My point is, tell your daughter. Yes it seems like a lot for a little girl to have to remember. But I had to know all of that and more. Like a "safe list" of people who were allowed to pick me up. Once my Dad came to my school and tried to tell me he was picking me up today, I ran away from him into the principals office and explained that Dad was only allowed supervised visitation and was trying to kidnap me from school and that they needed to call the police.



Little girls can handle a lot more than we give them credit for. No it probably isn't fair, it shouldn't be like this, but it is just the way it is. You need to empower her to protect herself and teach her what to do when Dad does the wrong thing. You are welcome to msg me if you want to know more about the "rules" my mum taught me.

Iridescent - posted on 02/02/2010

4,519

272

1078

There are some very good points here.
With supervised visitation, how did he even take her to the doctor? Who was supervising? And why did they allow something clearly not allowed by court order? If they just simply allowed it, then you need a new supervisor (likely a social worker).

Doctors have no idea if a parent has no right to bring a child to the doctor. People don't come with labels on them stating "has no right to get treatment for his child". They simply ensure their parent/guardian is there and move on. That's the job of the person supervising.

You should probably get your daughter a Medic Alert bracelet or necklace. It could become even more important as she gets older. It will help prevent an allergic reaction if she were in a car accident, too, and you weren't available. Make sense? With allergies, you need to be proactive, not just hope you end up with the right hospital and doctor with records readily available.

Leslie - posted on 02/02/2010

10

3

0

I would have to say, your ex is probably most likely listening to his mother (isn't she the one "supervising"?) .what you have related, he took her to a doctor and then gave the doctor misinformation regarding her condition. Perhaps you should rethink the supervising adult. If she is attempting to turn things against you and create charges of neglect (which from what you have said she is) this can be a dangerous situation that places your child in the middle. Perhaps you should actually speak with your ex and ask him about the lists and information that you send and what has happened to them. Then, have copies prepared to hand to him then and there. Finally, document the conversation and all information given to him. Furthermore, your should check with the doctor who saw her, again, and request as the custodial parent all paperwork regarding your daughter so that it can be forwarded to her regular doctor. Additionally, and this is giving the supervising adult another chance just in case the situation has been manipulated, have copies sent to her regarding all of the information about your daughters allergies, regular doctor, etc. and request a delivery receipt or a signature that the information has been reviewed and is understood. While I do not have an ex, I do take care of children and legally what happened was iffy at best and there are all sorts of ways that this doctor's visit could be misrepresented in a custody battle. As the adults caring for her at the time, they stood in loco parentis and, by law, agree to abide by your concerns as the custodial parent until such time that she is returned to you. What happened smacks of ignoring of your rights as her mother and her rights as a child to be adequately and appropriately cared for, you should not let this rest but should be careful and very dispassionate about how you present your and your child's case.

Jessica - posted on 02/02/2010

3

8

0

Wow, I rally don't know what to say that would help. I agree with the others. Document, document and document and talk to the social work and any one else you can. But our kids are smart and know whats going on - talk to your daughter and let her know you love her so much and that so does her dad, but that he's just not that good with all her medical issues and that you need her to know this stuff to not only help her, but to help him. Good luck

Amber - posted on 02/02/2010

104

16

16

when your daughter tells you stuff like that, make sure she's ok, finish your call with her appropriately and write him after you've calmed down. My ex and I have a 3 hour rule.. we write something 3 hours later ( if it's not too emergent) and we can't respond for 3 hours more. It helps with communicating and not acting like lawyers, telling eachother what to do .



It's hard, but I think you need to look on the positive side of things ( he cares about her, went and got her care) but he was too quick to feel like he could proove he could handle things. So , maybe just be a little sympathetic and say " look, I appreciate your care and concern for her, but it's important to me that I know what;s going on with our daughter, especially when it;s medically related. Next time, could you please call me and let me know before you attempt to take her to a doctor?"



If you try and acknowledge his efforts, he'll be more willing to listen and agree :)

Ginger - posted on 02/02/2010

12

0

2

i think you should stop complaining that he took her to the doc, that is him being responsible, and morals shoul guide you more than a law, imagine if the child had something serious wrong and he couldt take her as he DOSNT HAVE PERMISSION!! i think you are very angry and probably rightly so, why not think about therepy,just to help you a lil, i was so angry and frustrated with my ex, he is a complete dick, but therapy helped me cope with him, these guys dont change, but us women can,and boy how empowering it is, best of luck

Elizabeth - posted on 02/01/2010

11

18

0

Thank you all for your replies. First of all I want to say that yes my daughter was told abotu her allergies because dad does not care but she was never told that. It is something we go over everyday and something that has helped at friends house or just testing food at the store. She was never told that it was because of dad and never will be. I have not once told my daughter anything bad about her father even when she tells me something bad about him I find the good in it. I agree that I should be able to talk to him and his mother but that does not happen no matter what I do. Yes I have sent lists to help but they come back, could they have been copied sure but I will never know. He has suppervised visits because of uncontrolable anger. His mother was someone I felt comfertable with because I did not want my child to think bad about her father so I did not want to go with a 3rd party because then the children know something is wrong. I have thought about my daughter every step of the way she is number one. After I wrote this and got what little info a drop off he gave me. I spend the rest of my night calling around finding where he took her. I did talked to a doctor that said her eyes were a little ready and dad said it had been that way for a week and had not been treated. The drops that he made such a big deal about we over the counter and nothing. How do I know they were nothing he did not bring the ones he had and did not bring me anything to tell me what I should get her. I have requested the records be sent to me and am waiting on those. This was hard on my little one she was scared a said she even asked for me. I said nothing just about it just said I Love You. I tip toe that way alot when she talks about her father as to not say something that would hurt her. As for hating him I dont yes I know that is hard to believe but I learned form my mother that it is not worth it and it will only hurt my daughter so when I am mad at him I type it out so that she does not see it. If that does not work I wait til she is gone and call mom and vent. I understand how people feel about one side of the story but that is all I have to give trust me I would like both more then anyone else. Thank you all again it has been nice to read all your replies.

Beth - posted on 01/25/2010

42

17

6

Wouldn't it be nice if life was really just black and white ? There are so many "ifs" in that letter.. Just because the Father had supervised visitation doesn't mean he doesn't love his Daughter just as much as the Mother does.

There are so many reasons why one parent has supervised visitation, some are unjustly so.

We are only getting the Mothers side of the story and if you can't see the hate for the man in that..well your just not seeing..

The child was brought to a Dr and was given drops for her eyes. DR'S just don't hand out prescriptions for no reason..why would you threaten to sue the Dr ?. Yes have her own Dr check the eyes out for sure, but the other is a bit much. I"m not saying that this man most likely is wonderful, but if were a majior problem for him to see his Daughter, then it wouldn't be allowed at all. And as I said before, If Dad didn't seem concerned about getting a list of the child's allergies, Mom, instead of complaining about, it should have given Grandma the list. Isn't the main thing in all this to not hurt the child ? At 6 years old, she shouldn't have to listen to Negative about either of her Parents from the other. It's sad when people don't try to look at the whole picture, so much unnecessary hurt could be avoided if we all opened our eyes and really were willing to see.

Isobel - posted on 01/24/2010

9,849

0

282

On a visit to his father's, my son zipped his foreskin into his pajamas when he was two and a half. He had to go to the emergency room and he was put under to remove the pajamas. My ex (granted he has the kids every other weekend and it's not supervised) didn't feel it was necessary to even inform me about THAT! He dropped him off to me on Sunday night with some cream and said "oh yeah, by the way...we were in the hospital on Friday night and they had to surgically remove his pajamas...see you in a couple weeks"

Men are dumb...they just don't get it. Sorry about your situation...can you talk to the grandmother? It seems as though the courts felt like she was responsible enough to supervise, she should be responsible enough to carry a list of allergies and YOUR doctor's phone number.

Michelle - posted on 01/24/2010

620

24

63

So why dont you talk to him and get his side of things. Maybe if he took her to the doc the doc could actually tell it was pink eye and not an infection. I dont think a doc would just prescribe something out of the blue. Yes it was wrong he dodnt contact you and say he was worried bout her, maybe he felt it was neccessary to take her (even tho not allowed) im pretty sure he wouldnt hurt her, are you? If his visits are supervised normally, where was the person supervising him with her?

Its sounds to me like you cant stand the man. Could your daughter have seen a pharmacist and not a doc? This may not be included in your contract by the courts.

Doctors surgeries dont accept random people unless its an emergency, so which docs did he take her to? hers? cause then theyd have her medical records to hand.

Has the red eye gone down with the eye drops?

Carolee - posted on 01/24/2010

21,950

17

567

Tell the courts. And remind your ex that he has absolutely NO right to give her ANY type of medication or take her to ANY kind of doctor without your presence. If there is a problem of any sort, he is legally required to get a hold of you by any means possible.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms