Damn well sick and tired of being a mom!!!!!

Renee - posted on 07/06/2012 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I have Irish twins, my son will be 4 at the end of September and my daughter will be 3 in August. I hate being their mom. My daughter is fairly well behaved and listens quite well, but my son is the spawn of Satan, I swear.
Recently, we had potty trained our son fully during day time. However, work then started on our kitchen and he completely regressed. He refuses to use the potty, and starts school is September!!! Not to mention that my daught tries to do the potty thing, but is usually peeing every 5 mins or so, it's driving me nuts!!!!

I know I need time away from them, I already feel like I'm just going to have a mental breakdown, but I have no one, and I mean NO ONE to help. Their daddy works long days, and by the time he's home, it's 1 hour until bedtime. On weekends he's doing extra work to bring in more money that we desperately need right now (I'm a school bus driver and get laid off in the summer). My friends are always too busy, and have even mentioned how bad my son is, which makes me less inclined to have them watch them. My mother in law can't watch them either, any time we've asked her to, she expects us back as soon as possible, she doesnt even make an effort to come see them, and we only live across the street! My brother and sister in law are very busy with work and their 5 year old and new baby coming sometime in August. My sister, well let's just not go there, she's a great aunt but not great babysitter material. And we've been to my parents so much, that I feel they're sick of us and the kids. (they're home is being renovated and isn't a great place for the kids to go). My brother... Well he's hardly in the picture, except for family events.

No one is ther for me, maybe I sound all woe is me, but I'm so damn depressed about being stuck as my kids mom right now. Any time I say anything about my spouse's lack of help, all I hear from my mom and mother in law is 'we never had any help, we had to do everything ouselves, and we're expected to' however, my mom had her kids 4 and 6 years apart, and my Mother in law hers 5 years apart, so they have NO idea how hard things are for me. If I could, my kids would be in daycare, but we are struggling so hard financially, I can only go out so many places due to gas in my car.

I just really needed to get that all out and wondered if there's anyone else out there, completely depressed at being a mom, and feeling trapped by your children?

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Joella - posted on 12/01/2013

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Renee,

I know how you feel. I am not going to dare judge you or tell you how worried I am about your mothering ability. I bet you have already judged yourself on that already and my bet is that you are just looking to see if it is normal to feel this way sometimes about being a mum. Yes, you have used some strong terms - but don't we all when we are in the heat of the moment? I really appreciate how brave you have been in putting pen to paper and saying right out what you are feeling - there is nothing quite like writing it all down and getting it out to help you evaluate and steam off from situations. And yes, you're right, looking after toddlers and pre-schoolers is very hard and can be overwhelming at times and the guilt-trips that never stop are part of the package with being a mum. We ALL have moments where we wish we could escape to an island or something but we STAY and we do our JOB because we love our children like nothing else. As you do. So you are not a bad mother, just a very tired one, and things will get better....

Shawnn - posted on 07/09/2012

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Renee, you sound better today!

Ok, boys seem to train differently than girls. my eldest was trained at 14 mo, then back in diapers at 18 mo, then trained again at 3 yrs, and then had "accidents" well into his 4th grade year. I noticed that the more I stressed, the less he used the restroom...Just a thought. Don't act upset with him. Tell him that if he wants to stay in diapers, fine, but he won't be able to start school with his friends, and he'll need to learn to change his own, and clean himself up. Once you stop stressing, he should start pottying.

Part of the "problem" may have been the mixed up routine during the renovation...not your fault, and not really avoidable, but a disruption nonetheless.

I understand about the sister...but could she come watch them at your house while you maybe get a good soak in the tub?

And do check out options for aid in your area. Extenuating circumstances can be frustrating

Shawnn - posted on 07/09/2012

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Renee, this is going to sound very harsh, but QUIT saying "I CAN'T".

We've all been through the refusal to use the restroom facilities. We've all been through the going every 5 minutes because little one so badly wants to be a "big kid". We've all been through hardship, and stress.

NO ONE in their replies was trying to make you feel worse, and I'm not either, but, honey, YOU NEED TO BE MORE POSITIVE. You're not going to accomplish anything with the "I CAN'T" attitude.

First, you do need to sit down, again, with your husband, and explain your TRUE feelings. If you TRULY hate your life right now, well, he deserves to know. I know, you said that you did, and he rolled his eyes, and said he couldn't help...but did you whine at him, and act like a kid, or did you calmly sit him down, without the kids, and truly EXPLAIN your feelings?

Have you asked your parents their feelings on watching their grandkids so that you can have a few down time minutes? I know, you said that you use them alot, and you "feel that they're sick and tired of your kids"...but did you actually ASK?

What makes your sister a "great aunt, but not babysitter material"?

You state that your circumstances are so horrible that you can't even afford gas to get to the grocery, and that even if you could, you can't afford groceries. Have you applied for food assistance? If your financial situation is abysmal as you paint it, you should qualify, but if you are truly that doing that poorly in the financial sense, why are you "having work done" to your kitchen? Was there a problem? Code violations? Or are you simply remodeling?

Here are my suggestions:
GET INTO COUNSELING.
Put your kids into diapers, and head for the nearest outdoor experience. Spend some "down" time with your kids. Putting them in their rooms every time you stress out, and saying "mommy needs alone time" isn't really addressing the situation, nor solving your problem.
Sit down with your husband, rationally, and discuss the situation. Make a list of things that need to be reasonably addressed and handled, and start working through it, patiently, and paying attention to what each other says.
Sit down with your parents, and have the same discussion.
Apply for assistance. If you're truly to the point where you cannot afford necessities, you should qualify.

No, you're not the "only one" in your boat. We've all been there. Calm down, take a deep breath, and forget you ever learned the phrase "I CAN'T". It's defeatist. You're never going to accomplish your goal of straightening this out if you continue to allow that sentiment.

Best of luck.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/09/2012

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No one is trying to make you feel worse. Trust me. We have all had hard days. Your post sends up a lot of red flags, and quite honestly it makes me VERY concerned for your children.

I have no idea what country you are from, but if you are having that difficult of a time paying for food, maybe seeking government help would be a substantial boost for your family. In the USA, they can offer food stamps and WIC among other services like PACE which helps provide daycare.

If you cannot find help within your family unit to provide you some relief, I would recommend trying to find some local moms groups that perhaps you can walk to. Or a park. Simply getting your kids outside to run for hours can also help just in the back yard.

If potty training is that difficult....just stop. He will come around when he is ready. Often when you fight it, so will he.

Many of us are struggling financially. That is no laughing matter. Top that off with depression, and the combination can be a ticking time bomb. I really wish you the best of luck, but it seems like you are in such a funk, you cannot see beyond that. I really hope things start turning around for you soon. Your kids will only be this age once....which is a blessing and sad all at the same time. My daughter is a little hellion too. It can be very stressful.

Krista - posted on 07/09/2012

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Renee, it sounds like you're headed for a bit of a burnout, honey. And I understand that you feel pretty trapped. Understandable -- we all have horrible days, and your situation DOES sound really rough.

Have you asked your son's pediatrician about his behaviour? It could be that there may be some developmental issue that is causing him to be so out of control. It's worth asking, right?

Other than that, I know you can't afford a sitter, but I wonder if perhaps you could look at a barter system. Maybe exchange days of sitting with someone. Or, offer some other task or service (baking?) in exchange for an hour or two of sitting?

Good luck, and I really hope things get better soon!

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Cherish - posted on 07/09/2012

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Renee-
Potty training is rough,it is my least favorite thing to do..It turned into a power struggle with my 19 yr old..Just have your son wear underwear,if he has a accident,then don't say anything,just have him change his clothes and hand him the stuff to take care of his own mess.But if you argue with him it turns into a power thing...
My 10 year old is not potty trained and I can not even get him to keep his diapers on.
I also have no body to watch my kids.He is too "hard" and even the respite people that get paid refuse to watch him(I guess respite is ONLY for the "EASIER" people with special needs...lol)

Parents try so hard to be "perfect" and to fix and take care of EVERYTHING for their kids,but we do not need to,and we can NOT fix everything,it is exhausting and then they never learn how to problem solve or take responsibility (I KNOW this,I did that with my now 19 year old),it is called learned helplessness....If the kids fight,ignore it..they will figure it out(of course unless they are SERIOUSLY hurting each other)...

My favorite parenting books are "parenting with love and logic","1-2-3 magic" and "the explosive child"...(They are VERY VERY helpful),"parenting w/love and logic" talks about natural consequences,picking your battles and stuff like that.

Your husband sounds like a issue in itself...Dads are the role models for their boys and if Dad is disrespectful toward you,than chances are your son will think that is how males act...(And maybe your husband is fine and I am confused,which I often am)...lol

Boys are crazy and do weird boy things but if you think his behaviors are over the top,maybe you can talk to a developmental pediatrician...

Now if only I can figure out what to do with my own life...lol

Johnny - posted on 07/09/2012

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Renee, it sounds like you have a lot going on with you right now. I'm not sure where in Canada you live, but if you're near an urban centre, the YWCA/YMCA's run a lot of respite daycare services that are done on a sliding scale. They are designed to help parents who are at their wit's end with their kids and need a little down time. Also check out the "Red Book" online for other services in your region. In my metro area there are quite a few programs for parents who need help. There is NO shame in that despite some of the comments to the contrary. These programs exist because being at home can be isolating and overwhelming for many. Here we have quite a few "family places" that offer support and respite for parents. Their services are entirely free.

The other suggestion I would make is to contact CHF Canada www.chfc.ca for some help with the kitchen issue. I live in a co-op as well, and we have to reimburse people for the costs of being out of their homes for renovations. As well, if it was for an emergency repairs like a fire or flood, your insurance should cover those costs. I believe that is part of the deal with the CMHC.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/09/2012

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The park is a great idea. Anything to get their energy out on a daily basis. Sometimes, if you go daily, the park can get boring. Alternate on things to bring. Bikes, balls to kick, bubbles to blow, even a kite. Simple things that will keep them entertained while getting all their energy out. Kids are quite frankly the MOST annoying when they are couped up for to long.

Renee - posted on 07/09/2012

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Thank you so much, I am trying to be positive, not being very successful though, am I? This is my 3rd time potty training my son. I feel very pressured, as he needs to be trained by the time he starts school in September. I just don't know how to motivate him anymore, I just feel defeated that my son is almost 4 and not potty trained, not to mention the comments from my mother in law on the matter.

That aside, I think I'll take your advice and walk over to the big park with my kids after lunch. Let them just let loose. As for talking with their daddy, well, I've talked to him numerous times, openly, honestly (I don't whine or child like talk with him, at least I really don't think I do, however, anything even remotely emotionally sets my eyes tearing up lately)

The money issues, well, gas isn't a necessity, as we have legs in good working order, but the groceries is rough, however, we will have some money coming Friday to pay for them. We live in Canada, my husband lost his job 2 months after we bought a newer car, and now he's working at less the half of his income before, we're stuck with some debt (as anyone right now) and we are in a legal fight over work done in our kitchen (we live in a co-op so they paid for the renovation, but we were out of a kitchen for 6 weeks and had to pay additional food costs that they refuse to pay us back for) which is reason we're so tight with money. Usually we scrape by, but lately it's been horrible.

My sister, well, she's insanely immature and great as a crazy fun aunt, but not responsible enough to truly watch my kids alone, not to mention the complaints she has on my kids, and the things she will say they've done, when they haven't or couldn't do. She's essentially a 12 year old in a 21 year old's body.

I know I'm not the only one in my boat, I'm just looking for advice to get through these hurdles, thanks again, I'm definitely going to use the advice.

Emily - posted on 07/09/2012

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Yep. Open the blue pages in the phone book and start making calls. There are lots of human service agencies ready to help, and they don't cost any money. Call up all the area churches. You may find people there willing to help out with babysitting. There are counselors that will work with your insurance or even offer free counseling. There are a lot of options out there, but you have to make that first step.

Renee - posted on 07/09/2012

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I am trying to see the positive, thank you so much, and I do try to barter. In fact this weekend, I get to babysit (just me, not my kids with me too) and then I get to go to a family's reunion to do portraits (I went to school for photography) so I'm looking forward to most of the weekend away from my kids, but I know I'll miss them terribly too.

Sorry for all the negativity, just been really rough lately, I'm usually a really happy person, just had a lot of things going from wrong, to bad to torture lately (not my kids, they've always been a handful, but what is to be expected of them, really?) So, the only thing I can work to change is some of the stresses from my kids, and it's killing me, to feel alone with all these things, and to feel like I'm constantly being kicked while I'm down. Again, not my kids, but I do feel like they've picked up on this (more than likely they have) and are acting out more because I'm so stressed out and depressed.

Thank you, for being nice and helpful,I really needed to feel liked, by someone.

Cherish - posted on 07/09/2012

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Renee-
You are frustrated at the moment...it could be worse....try seeing the positive side

Renee - posted on 07/09/2012

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Thank you, I have contacted for a referral, but their times don't match with my kid free time, and I can't afford the daycare. I know things will get better when we can go on longer walks, things are just really rough right now because of the potty training, and not being too far from the potty. Hopefully by next week we'll be better along the potty training trail.

Renee - posted on 07/09/2012

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Thank you for making me feel even more like a failure... I have talked to my significant other, and he has no help for me. The work he's doing on the weekends is at my parent's house, therefore he can't just stop, or we'll no longer have them for support when we truly need them.

I have looked for help, believe me, and I have never been so mad at my kids to hurt them, I simply put them in their room, saying mommy is really upset right now and needs some alone time.

I cannot leave my children with anyone I have to pay money to, we are so poor, I can't even drive to the grocery store beauty of gas needing to be bought for my car. In fact, we can't even afford groceries this week.

It's true I hate mothering my kids, I LOVE my kids, but hate being trapped by potty training right now, and always yelling at them to stop hitting, stealing, getting into each other's everything. I was simply looking for other motherly support, not judgement and being made to feel like I'm the worst possible mother on earth.

If I could get help, from anyone, had the time away from my kids to seek help, I would. We can't afford anything right now, and my other half, has heard what I feel, he rolls his eyes, says he doesn't know what to say and that there's nothing he feels he can do. I just feel very alone, and depressed, I'm counting down the days until my son's I school, then at least my kids won't be fighting all day.

I'm just taking it one day at a time, and realize that when I wrote this post originally, it was when I was exceptionally upset, I do have many wonderful things to say about my kids. My son being compared to Satan... Well, I'm not religious in any way (it was the way I was raised, and I don't judge anyone on their beliefs, I respect those who are devout) I simply meant that my son does have a bit of the devil in him, but then again, don't we all at times?

Dove - posted on 07/06/2012

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Talk to your husband about him taking some time on the weekends to watch the kids, so you can get out for a bit. You guys may need the money, but your kids need and deserve a sane mom MORE. Also, please call your doctor asap about getting a referral to a counselor.

I know the burn out feeling quite well. Try getting out and having fun with your kids and then putting them to bed a bit early for some YOU time.

Emily - posted on 07/06/2012

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I agree that you need some time away from the kids. Sounds like that may not be feasible though. Does your husband know how you feel? I mean how you really feel? Does he know you HATE being your kids' mom right now? I wonder if he understands the seriousness of this whether he would be more willing to help you out, or take some days off.

We all have bad days and downright frustrating days of being a parent, but hate is a very strong word. To say you HATE being their mom right now is very concerning. It's also concerning to me that you're comparing your son to satan and you seem to have nothing GOOD to say about your children. I think a good first step for you is to maybe adjust your expectations. Your kids are little--no kids that young listen very well!! Your son doesn't sound "bad" to me, he sounds like a normal 3-year-old. It's also very normal for kids to have potty-training regressions. That doesn't make them "bad." You need to start focusing on the positives about your children. The qualities that you love about them. If you're constantly focused on all the things you see as being wrong, they WILL pick up on that, and they will behave the way they think you expect them to behave. They will also feel terrible about themselves.

I agree with the above, you need to get some professional help for you. But also for your kids' sake, and for your marriage. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and the more help you can get, the better. Sometimes you can't count on family support and need to look for professionals.

Cherish - posted on 07/06/2012

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Why is it so hard for you?Do you seriously "hate" being your children's mother?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/06/2012

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WOWZA! This post is making me a little nervous for your children. You say your family cannot understand, but they have had their kids. They know how hard it is. You say they are not their for you, but what about you being their for your kids?

I HIGHLY recommend talking to your husband about your feelings. Maybe he needs to give up his weekend job, and you go to work on the weekends for the extra money and to get out of the house. Your kids are kids. No one said being a mother is easy, infact everyone I have talked to told me how hard it is. I fear you may do the worst, or harm your children. You need some help. I am not talking from your family I am talking professional. I hope things get better for you. We all feel trapped sometimes, but I think you are beyond the norm.

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