daughter and step dad fight all the time

Carrie - posted on 07/01/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I have a 15 about to be 16 year old daughter. My husband and I got married last year. They use to love eachother but now cant stand eachother. I think it all changed last year when my husband got caught lying about somethings. The girls feel he is always trying to nag on them and find every little tging wrong they do. Now yes my daughter can be very rude and disrespectful but nothing a normal 16 wouldnt do. She is a athlete. Makes good grades. Doesnt smoke drink or do drugs. But he talks to her and about her like she is the worst kid in the world... help I ambso stressed and I love him but she is my baby. My life. The reason I live

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Kristi - posted on 07/02/2013

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Does she disrespect you, like a normal teenager does? Does she have a consequence for being disrespectful? My daughter is almost 14 and she doesn't get lippy very often because she knows she will have consequences if she can't control her tongue. She also knows better than to disrespect other adults, even when they are wrong. She can appropriately stand up for herself if the need arises but so far, on the couple of occasions she has felt she was mistreated she just came to me and we talked it out.

That being said, no man would be allowed to put my kid down and mistreat her as such. Have you talked to your husband about the way he talks to/treats your daughter? Does he understand that he's the adult and she's the child so he's supposed to be the bigger person and not engage in typical teenage nit picking? If he is treating her like she is the worst kid in the world, he is probably making her feel like the worst kid in the world. As females, teens especially, our self esteem is fragile enough without some "father/authority-figure" trashing us all day. If it even appears to her that you are not sticking up for her or are in any way taking his side, it won't be long before she hates you, too. I hope you are communicating with her. What does she think? How does she feel and why?

You said "girls" but then just refer to your daughter. Does he have a daughter(s) that lives with you? Her feelings are as equally as important and she deserves to be respected and listened to as well. She might have some insight that you don't.

I don't know what he lied about or to whom but did he ever apologize and try to make things right? Admitting we are wrong and asking our kids to forgive us goes a long way, at least it can. They're usually more willing to accept a genuine apology and move on than they are to pretend nothing happened or to have no explanation, no apology, no nothing, like just because we are adults means we can do whatever we want and get away with it and kids just have to take it...that tends to make them harbor feelings of resentment and mistrust.

I would recommend finding out the answers to some of those questions and then having a calm, fair, sit down, family meeting. Try to come to a mutual understanding and to a point where you can all start with a clean slate. If nobody is willing or able to do so, I would suggest family counseling.

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Helping - posted on 09/27/2013

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No person is perfect, not your husband ( it's quite clear he isn't) Nor is your child. ( it's also clear you've already taken sides) I think you've come for advice for the moral support of keeping the side you've taken. You need some kind words and solid man bashing to keep up the good fight. Time for a little tough love, for you not them. Right now your child is is losing full time mom to a man, a new authority equal to yours. In her world it's more of a former friend just became my boss WTF and he's screwing up the job by lying?? Then there is you. "Stuck" in the middle. Well not stuck, you've taken sides - and it's just going to make it worse. Your husband is being fueled by the side taking, the personal need for self defense and further having to defend himself to a child whom he knows has his wife's ear. I think he's being childish and some counseling might help.. IF he's willing to admit what I just said. If he doesn't.. this situation isn't going to improve.

Carrie - posted on 07/02/2013

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Thanks I will forsure get some counseling for all of us. And some for just me and my daughter. There has been a real strain in our relationship because all this. Its is funny but the first 2 years him and I were dating. My daughter and husband had a great relationship and she respected him so much but he just is not the same person.

Jodi - posted on 07/02/2013

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This doesn't make YOU the failure. I would suggest maybe get some counselling together where you can discuss the issue and have someone help you find some solutions. But it really isn't fair to your daughter for him to be treating her like this.

Carrie - posted on 07/02/2013

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I know. I feel like my world is just sinking. I dont want to be a failure in marrage but I sure in the heck am not going to be a failure in motherhood. He has tbi and it just seems like we do not know what to believe anymore. I think he might be a narrsistic. He is always on her. But when his daughter is her she does nothing wrong in his eyes.

Jodi - posted on 07/02/2013

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It sounds like your husband needs to grow up. I wouldn't accept it, not at all. He got caught lying about what? I think this is sounds important in the relationship between he and your daughters, but honestly, ask him who is the adult in this relationship!!!

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