Dealing With Stress, Baby's Father, and Depression HELP?

Amber - posted on 05/17/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

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This is my second pregnancy and aside from one medical thing, it is exactly like my first. High risk and too sick for my own good, my doctor has told me that if nothings changed by this Wed. he's putting me in the hospital because I can't stay hydrated nor have I started gaining any weight, but have lost more than normal.

I feel absolutely no connection to this child. When it moves, it aggravates me to no end and I find myself wanting to yell for it to stop. I don't believe in abortion, nor could I give this child up for adoption, especially knowing I have a 5 year old and it would ruin her world and I'd have forever to answer why I took her baby sibling away.

The thing is though, I know I love it somewhere inside because, if I didn't, I wouldn't try so hard to find help or to talk to anybody about it. I wouldn't be attempting to eat more than once a day (which I'm failing, but, I do try) and I wouldn't be taking proper vitamins, etc...if I truly didn't care about it.

I just don't know if it's my hormones at this point causing severe depression and detachment from the child, or if it's due to all the stress and other things that have happened in this time causing me to feel this way. Maybe a combination of both?

The babys' father is not making things easy on me. He walked out when I was 6 weeks and in the hospital with complications to go back to his ex girlfriend. He left me in an area that I know nothing about, nor is really that safe, no car, no money, no food. He still thinks he should get a say in how I take care of myself, and this baby. That he should get to be at doctor visits, get an opinion in the naming process, etc...when he's done nothing but hurt me by walking out and continue to cause me unnecessary and unhealthy amounts of stress. So, I think of a 3rd option that maybe I don't want this child only because of who the father is.

His girlfriend, got in contact with me, and when she learned he had lied to her about some things, including leaving out I was pregnant, she's done nothing but be there for me, despite him trying to stop it. She's given me rides, talked to me through some things, and is trying so hard to help, but at the same time, not wanting to rock the boat too much between him and her. I find it very easy to talk to her despite the messed up situation we are in..but I still, can't deal with him. My stomach cramps up when he's around, I go into a panic attack, and I get sick.

How do I deal with all of this? I hate that I feel like I don't want this baby, when I know a part of me does, and, I don't know how to include the father, yet, tell him I don't want him around after everything. Do I even have that right to tell him to leave and not worry about being in this childs' life? I don't feel like I do, but it's not like he's doing much to show he cares about it now despite having done this to me on purpose.

I don't want to be put on medication for the severe depression this has caused me to go into..I just need advice, direction, something.

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Amber - posted on 05/17/2010

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Angela, I've tried God..my whole life..in different ways, I just don't feel like he's here for me. Never has been. In the end I've found solace in other types of religions, just, not one particular one...I'm a jumbled mix of "all religions have it right to an extent and wrong on others, they should all just merge" type of belief system. It doesn't help that the churches around here are full of people who want to push religion down your throat, and, if you aren't a part of them, they don't do much in helping you when you need it the most.

It did take a lot for me to accept his ex into my life. I had put some of the blame on her for having taken him back and blamed her for him not getting over her and him leaving me..etc. My cousin is friends with her, and she showed me some of the messages between the two of them, and I had learned that when he came to her, asking to be taken back, etc..she had no idea the situation he was putting her in. Had no clue I was pregnant, etc. They were together for a year or so before he had left her, and to have him back felt good to her, and she wasn't going to kick him out just for this, which, in retro spec, I did understand. But since then, she had a new found, something or another when it came to me. But, after reading her messages, I came to the realization that, she didn't deserve to be on the other end of my anger and if, at the very least, she deserved to know why I didn't want to speak with her and all that other stuff. I'm glad I did talk to her..because like I said, she's been great despite the situation he put her in with all of this.

Jane, a support system here is easily lacking. Always has been, but for some reason this time, I just feel I can't get through it like all the others. I have, his ex girlfriend, who is his current girlfriend now, and my Dr. that I can rely on. I have a room mate that just moved in, and, he's been helping with the stresses of keeping the place clean and doing the things I was told I shouldn't be doing. I have other friends, who, text or call me on a daily basis to check in on me, but, as far as the deeper problems, I have nobody to trust around me to talk to about it without risking them trying to take my child after it is born, or using it against me somehow in the end. It's how I partly lost my oldest. My mother took my words, twisted them to her likings, and, I'm not allowed, well, not supposed, to have my daughter outside of their court jurisdiction without having the fathers' written consent each time I do so. It really sucks.

I'm into the whole, herbal remedy thing. I barely go to the doctor, and the one I have, doesn't prescribe me medications unless it's something serious. I think he uses my experimentation with it all as a learning process for him? I don't know, but I like it because it makes me feel like he does care that I get better and not about the money he makes off the drug companies. I used to take St. John's Wort for my anxiety and rough patches because I liked how I would never have to depend on it and could always stop once I felt better. That, and it's healthier. But, with the pregnancy, there's a lot I can't take. I never did research on St. John's Wort during pregnancy, just thought it was safer to stop than continue without knowing, but I'll most definitely talk to my doctor about it and see what he says because it really did help then, and I'm sure, it would at least take the edge off right now.

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Well, I do think like Angela, God is the answer to all our problems.....I too have had severe depression.

I think that you just have an awful lot on your plate and no real support system. That is where I would start - get a support system - that might be via the Dr's and social services, it might be from the local church or pregnancy support centre.
Be careful not to confuse your general feelings of being overwhelmed, lonely, scared etc....with the pregnancy - it kinda sounds like it's all rolling into one at the moment for you - tho it sounds like you want to really love your baby, but the circumstances surrounding you suck.

I have recently read up on depression and a major study shows how a good diet and exercise play a vital role in LONG TERM recovery. Initially anti-depresssants can be helpful, but not long term - you end up in a cycle of needing them. Those that combined exercise etc benefitted far more in the long term.
You may also want to try St Johns Wort - my GP advised this in pregnancy for me - tis a herbal remedy.

Don't focus too much on the father at this point. Focus on you and your children. It's always better to have a father in a child's life as much as possible - but not if they are abusive etc... Just let him live his life at the moment - don't stress on that.

Do make sure you are getting good health care and speak to your Dr about how you feel.

Wish there was more we could do.....maybe check out other mum's networks in your area too. Try and connect with them aswell.

keep in contact
Jane

Angela - posted on 05/17/2010

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This is a test of your strength and faith. I was in a similar situation with my first child. I was 8 months when i found out I was pregnant, my father (whom I was really closed to) just passed away. I moved to a small town where I didn't know anyone and to top it off, me and my daughter's father had (supposedly) just got back together after being apart for 6 months. Then when I broke the news to him, he swore up and down that I had been cheating and he was not the father. ( even though he knew he has been the only guy I have ever been with.) Then he kept going back between me and his ex. I was in no shape to care for a child, but yet i was too far along to abort one either (which I also don't believe in) I didn't know what to do. I was depressed and didn;t have no one to talk to. One day I went to church with a friend of mine and the sermon seemed like it was GOD talking directly to me, everything that was said was how i was feeling. That night i broke down, (i must hav cried for 2 hrs straight) and I talked to GOD and told him i how felt and if this was supposed to happen this way then let it work out in my favor. After that things started to change. I didn't care about what he did and if was going to be apart of my baby's life. Once I let the stress of him go and realized i really didn't need him around, that's when he started coming around being really nice, wanted to do things. I had a huge baby shower got most of the things I needed, the rest I just saved up and bought in due time. I gave birth to my beloved daughter, (in which I told him, if I go through the pain, I'm the one who gets the name.) Immediately after he saw her, he jumped right on board. (she looks just like him!) Things just started falling into place. He left that other girl and any other girls alone, I got a better job, we moved way into the country, and now we have two little girls, (my second child is two yrs younger then the first.) and he was right there for everything.
I don;t believe my life would have turned out so good if i didn't take that time to really talk to GOD. Soemtimes we have a tendency to believe that we can do everything on our own when we can't. we need that strength to come from a higher power. I can tell by your message you are a strong woman and just in need of a little guidance. God can and will give that to you. (believe me, I'm no bible pusher, I just know from experience what really helped me)
And because of all the stress, you might be going into a little depression, if you need to talk to your doctor and let him prescribe your something, by all means go for it if you feel it will help. But you also have to look at the things you do have. You have a beautiful daughter that loves you unconditionally and can't wait to have a brother or sister to play. (nothing can break away from a siblings bond.) you have a friend in the least likilihood of places. ( his ex must be a really good person, if she's willing to step up and show her support for you.) and you have to be a really exceptionally good person to accept it. (if his ex came to me on fire, I probably wouldn't piss on her to put it out. LOL) (that's just me.) anyways-
count your blessings, pray to GOD, and everything will turn out in your favor. Most of all TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOURS! Hope this helped.

Nekia - posted on 05/17/2010

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My apologies, I am unable to read ur post due to my computer being silly but if u like u can always email me @ nekia.jones@gmail.com. After having my son who is now 1 I went through alot and maybe I can help ya.

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