Death of a child

Linda - posted on 10/29/2008 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Our 17 year old died in a near fatal car accident about 16 months ago. Then we moved 3 months after that and left our 16 year old behind to finish off high school. This has been a real tough transition for me especially. We are not suppose to bury our children, they are suppose to bury us. Any suggestions as to how to get through this when no one at the new place knew your deceased son. There are no support groups around. Has anyone in this circle been through or is going through this right now?

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Linda - posted on 11/21/2008

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I started a group on facebook for friends and family of the three boys that were killed in the accident. My son, and his two friends ages 16 and 14. Only one person has written on it. I really don't know how often his friends go to the group. I told them they could post any photos of the boys they want to post, only one has. It has been 15 months since their deaths. With my son, it still feels like yesterday. The 16 year old, driver, was much like family. He was over our house all the time, with a number of our sons other friends. We never had a time where our son did not bring friends home with him. I really miss that as well. However, most of them are in college now. That was surreal, his friends going to college and our son not. Our daughter has made a kind of memorial to her brother on one of the walls of her room. I know she misses him tremendously as well. So does our 16 year old son and our 9 year old son. It is still hard listening to some songs, not the ones he listened to, but others that talk about death. Listening to his songs helps. I have just about all of them on my Ipod. I like most of the same groups he liked. It still seems weird him not playing his guitars. I can still hear him playing when I go to bed at night. Which is when he played the most.

Michele - posted on 11/20/2008

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Linda and to all the Moms who have lost a child...I am sorry for your loss. I lost my first child to miscarriage. So, I can't say that I understand what it means to bury my child...not in the physical sense at least. I had started a journal when I first found out I was pregnant...after the miscarriage I continued it. The journal was my tool for expressing what I couldn't or didn't want to express verbally. I named my child...gave a birth/death date. I talked to my baby...sang songs...(in writing). I talked about what my hopes for the future had been. I questioned God, got mad at God...raved about the injustices of abortion, murder, abuse etc. I came to a point where I was able to let go and let God bring about the healing process. Journalling was the most important part of my healing process. I didn't want to bother others with my grief..because they didin't understand..or so I thought. Sharing with others is good...for you and for others who may be experiencing the same thing as you. It is good to have your sons friends to keep in contact with. It is ok to grieve. It is sad that people are uncomfortable hearing about your son. Part of being a parent means you want to share with others memories and thoughts of our children. There have been many good suggestions here and I hope that something helps...maybe there is even a support group online that someone will post. There are many stages of grief and we all go through them differently and in different times. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your husband...

Karen - posted on 11/20/2008

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I can relate to what you are going through. I lost my 19 year old son a year and 1/2 ago. It was an accident as well. We had lived in this town about 3 1/2 years at the time of his death. Everyone was very supportive and wonderful, but I was never able to open up completely to anyone and still really haven't. People are very uncomfortable at the mention of his name. I find they will change the subject. My husband is also completely closed off when it comes to talking about how he is feeling about Ryan's death. Ryan had wonderful friends here and they have helped immensely with the healing process. A couple of his friends started a facebook memorial where friends and relatives could write about Ryan and express their feelings about his loss. I find comfort in reading those stories and looking at the pictures that have been posted. It's just amazing. I also set aside time to grieve even now, when I feel the sadness weighing me down. Ryan had a special place in town out by an old gravel pit,where he would go to sit and think, read or just relax. There's a big rock there that he would sit on. I made that place a special memorial by painting the rock with his name and some quotes. I also have a corner in the living room that is dedicated to Ryan, with a picture and some of his clay bowls, etc. Doing these things helps me feel better. You can start a memorial facebook page and invite your son's friends to write in and post pictures. I found this has really helped me. It's so very difficult. You're right. We are NOT supposed to bury our children. It goes against the natural order of things. I am still trying to come to grips with the fact that he's gone. Allow yourself to grieve.

I hope my suggestions help you in some small way. You should also find out if there is a group nearby called Compassionate Friends. I have yet to look them up, but that is a group that has been suggested to me. Thinking of you, Karen

Diahn - posted on 11/05/2008

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Hello Linda,

I have lost a child. Mariah was 14 months old when she passed away. She had a terminal genetic disease of which there is no cure. It was 9 years this past August since she died. It is very important not to bottle up your grief, cry when you need to, scream when you feel you need to, talk with your husband about each of your feelings. Just remember men grieve very different from us. I never saw my husband cry after Mariah's death. When I went through a depression, he basically told me I needed to accept she was gone and rejoice that she no longer suffers.I had accepted it, but I still grieved that my only daughter was no longer where I could pick her up and love on her. Church families are great even though they didn't know your son. There should be grief counselors & support groups through hospice homes and the hospital system. I went through several years of grief counseling and I still find myself going back through some of the grief cycles at times, but it gets a little easier to bear as time goes by. It will never go away though, of which I am greatful, I could never imagine not having memories of Mariah. Oh also, journalling daily is a great way to help the grief. This can be something you can keep to yourself or share it with your husband and other child. Whatever you do, don't bottle it up. I will keep your family in my prayers. You can email me anytime dphr1969@yahoo.com

Linda - posted on 11/05/2008

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Yes, my husband is a pastor. However, we cannot talk about John because it makes people feel uncomfortable to be around us when we do. Which makes the healing even harder for me. I have to hide my feelings and go on. I do a lot of crying at him. Many times wishing we were back where his friends are. They loved talking about him, that made the healing easier on me. I have many of his friends on Facebook and Myspace. John was a Christian and I know that I will see him again, but I still miss him terribly. He was more than a son, he was a friend. We enjoyed doing things together.

Robbin - posted on 11/04/2008

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Hi Linda! I have lost a child. Luke died when he was 2 1/2 of Cystic Fibrosis. Dec. 29 will be 3 years since he died. We moved 2 months after Luke died. I felt the same way you feel about no one knowing him. The Lord brought us to a church that helped us to heal. I'm so thankful for our church family. I do not know if you go to church or not, but we found healing from the Lord. We have a website if you would like to get to know us better. www.themaplesfamily.com I will be praying for you and your family!

Abegail - posted on 10/29/2008

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I am really sorry for your loss Linda. Thank God I haven't gone through that but I did lose 2 of my cousins to cancer. They were both around 13 years old, just a few years a go. It really struck me as to how quickly you can lose your loved ones. My English professor had us read a poem about Marilyn Monroe's death in the eyes of four married men. I think that's how it went. All of the men heard it from somewhere (sorry I can't remember all the details) and went home. The first man came home and screamed at his wife and told her she could never be anything like Marilyn. The second man went home and locked himself in the bathroom refusing to talk to his wife. The third man committed suicide. The fourth man came home to his wife sleeping on the bed. He sat beside her and stared at his beloved significant other. He cherished her and loved her. While the other three men saw only darkness and the loss life with the tragedy, the fourth saw a life. It's hard to lose someone, it's even harder to go on, but know that there are people in your life still worth living for, worth being happy for. Thanks for reading.

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