Desperate....cheated on what do I do....

Kale - posted on 05/05/2013 ( 198 moms have responded )

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I know for a fact my husband is planning on cheating on me. I am not sure if he has before but I know he has talked to other women about doing so but am not sure if he has ever actually gone through with it. But I know for a fact that this time he is planning something with another woman. What do I do should I talk to him or let him do it then say something....

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Shari - posted on 05/12/2013

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It's also frustrating to read so many comments to you saying, "keep yourself up and looking your best" and "make sure his needs are being met". This is BS. This is what women are told to do to keep their selfish, cheating, lying spouses happy. You are not the reason he is cheating. Don't doubt yourself, or feel bad about your appearance or blame yourself. IF this man cared about you, he would tell you what he wanted/needed, not go sneaking around behind your back. He is selfishly disregarding you completely, your needs, and disrespecting you. Don't paint on a pretty face to make him happy while you are hurt and betrayed. Tell him how hurt and betrayed you are, then give him enough alone time to let it sink in while you try and recover. Screw his feelings and needs, he obviously doesn't give a damn about yours! Also, vengeance can help ease the pain. No it isn't healthy, but the health of your marriage just took a toilet dive. Why do you have to be the good guy?

Angela - posted on 05/09/2013

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QUOTE (from Theodora Apotsi):

"Do a quality check on yourself and ask yourself if there is a reason for him to do that. If you find any, try and work on it. Find out his reason from those he talked to. I suggest you do not ask him, it will rather push him. otherwise go out of your way to be extra nice. Coffee in bed, nice text messages during the day, a good display of yourself (you know what I mean) If he is really planing on cheating on you he may stop."

Theodora, are you for real??

A man who plans to cheat (possibly has already cheated) doesn't need a simpering, servile, sex-hungry wife to keep him faithful. He needs a conscience and a sense of decency & loyalty!

You have just presented her with an ideal formula for hanging on to a man who will be unfaithful anyway and exploit and abuse her! Only difference here is he might cover up his extra-marital activities more securely as he doesn't want to lose the doormat he's married to, whilst enjoying a few forbidden fruits with someone else. He will want to have his cake & eat it.

Lisa - posted on 05/13/2013

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Kale, someone who loves you, truly loves you, does not lie or take actions that will hurt you. If you know that he is definitely planning on cheating on you, then I think you know what you have to do. Trust in a relationship is everything, and he just tore that apart. See an attorney and find out where you stand financally.

I am incredibly saddened by everyone telling you to find out what is wrong and fix it. Talk to your husband. Marriage takes work. Sorry ladies, but it takes two to tango. While her husband has been making his plans, where were his thoughts of what this would do to his family, to his marriage, to his mate? Are we THAT desperate as women to be paired with someone that we have no respect for ourselves? Not to mention if they have kids. Our children look to us for guidance as to the adults they are going to be. If she has a son, then she's teaching him that hurting and lying to women is all right, cause after all, boys will be boys. If she has a daughter, she is teacher her that it is okay to be lied to, betrayed, and that it is HER job to fix what is wrong with HIM.

Kale, my heart goes out to you, for this is not an easy decision to make. Good luck whatever you do.

Amaka - posted on 05/12/2013

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I think you should discuss it with him but before you do so, pray and ask God for directions. Prayers has helped me in my marriage, I pray to God to change certain things about my husband that i don't like and he always comes through. I got tired of nagging at him about the same issues all the time and started praying about it. its just amazing how everything fell into place.
Communication is key in every marriage, Please talk to him about it. If you don't, you will be a very bitter person and will even drive him away. As for me I pray for my marriage everyday, and God has worked not just on my husband but on me too. I wish you the best in your marriage.

Cassandra - posted on 05/10/2013

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I think you should point out the facts that you have for sure, and let your husband know that you know what's going on and that your not stupid.. If he really loves you, he would immediately apologize, if not he would make excuses and turn it around on you. If he does this, I say he's already cheated, and its up to you whether you stay and work on it or your move on. But if you do stay, make sure he's willing to work on your marriage as much as you, and stop all of the nonsense immediately.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/20/2013

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***MoD ALERT***

I am locking this thread. Kale has received an abundance of helpful advice. She has a lot to read through, and looks as though the OP has abandoned this thread. Thanks for all the contributions in attempting to help.

~WtCoM MoD LiTtLe MiSs~

Mansi - posted on 05/20/2013

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What'sreally surprising is that you've known this all along and waited so long to do something about it.. If this tendency of his has been during your pregnancy it can probably be solved but if it has been due to some other reason, its a much serious problem than simple desire for sex

Delma - posted on 05/19/2013

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Say Nothing, be the OTHER woman and make life exciting, he is probably missing what yall first had! You have the power to bring that back!

Claressa - posted on 05/19/2013

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Talk about it now than later, be prepared for the unexpected. Be ready to respond and stand by your decision. From self experience dont let him have his cake and eat it too, love is never supposed to, hurt, belittle you, compromise you or make you second best. If he cant respect you and be faithful then he doesnt deserve you. If you feel as though ya marraige is worth fighting for then I wish you the best and hope all works out well. Bottom line at the end of the day you deserve to be treated like a queen and deserve to be happy and if being with him and him being with you alone doesnt make both you guys happy then its time for a change.

Nikki Dawson - posted on 05/17/2013

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I agree with Sissy! You need to talk to your husband and do something about it. I would like to know what your husband says when you ask him if he is or has been planning on cheating.

Nichole - posted on 05/16/2013

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This is a tough question to answer with so little information about your relationship. First of all, whether or not your husband has actually cheated doesn't matter. The fact that he is actively trying to cheat is bad enough. I wonder what his reasoning is? Is he just an ass or are there other problems in your relationship? I think that you need to sit down and have an open honest conversation with him now, don't wait. Before doing so, you need to prepare yourself for whatever you might find out. Odds are you are not going to like what you hear. You also must consider how you will respond if he has cheated or if he doesn't want to repair the relationship. Most importantly, remember that this is your decision to make. Don't let anyone make you feel like you should leave him if he's cheated or that you stay because of your vows. You must decide what is best for you! I know from experience how hard this can be and outside pressures just add to it. There was a point in which I thought my marriage could not be salvaged. Now 8 years into it we are happier than ever. Sometimes you have to experience the bad to appreciate the good and sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before climbing back up. I wish you luck in whatever you decide!

Sissy - posted on 05/15/2013

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I do not believe in 'god' and I can not believe what these women are telling you to do! Praying to an imaginary friend will not help. You need to put your foot down, it is all his doing to cheat on you, not yours. Good food and nice clothes will not keep him faithful if he has the want to be a scum bag cheater, and you should not lower your self worth by sucking up to a man that is disrespecting you. In my opinion you need to talk to him about it, before it happens, if it hasn't already. Have respect for yourself and do what is right for you, not him and not 'god'. Keep your head up and love yourself, loving yourself is what really matters! Good luck!

Lynell - posted on 05/15/2013

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Only you can tell you what is good for you. I am a God fearing woman, yet my opinion which should not matter is not the Godly answer to give you...(like so many people have given you) and because I dont want hate replies I will just say. My first marriage my husband cheated on me...married to him for 7years and then he died in a car crash....I was miserable atleast the last 4 years of that marriage...My second husband also cheated and we have been married since 2008...handled him different because of what the first marriage taught me....Very happy...I pray you find your own way.

Modupe - posted on 05/15/2013

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hello Kale,
I will say you should take time to look through the advice friends and mothers have given you in this forum, most are very useful.
Like someone says, start this challenge at hand with GOD Most High who knows all things, who knows the heart of men. Start to pray, be humble & kind to your husband, create activity that you can encourage him such that you can do it together and at the same time, communicate well what your husband think of you and tell him what you think of him, in a way to better your marriage. Please save your marriage. Like I said, irrespective of the behaviour of the man, just try from your own side to show love, respect, humility and also communication is a ver impornant thing in a marriage. Dress good, cook good food.
Leave the rest to God.
I wish you goodluck.

Jacquelyn Irene - posted on 05/14/2013

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the bar of divorcing is so high right now that it shouldnt. but god has a purpose for all of us. men and woman are suppose to be married. to each other. no matter how far he looks at it and vice versea . men an woman need to understand you both dont think alilke and do not force that person to expect you to understand you completely. love each other talk to each other do things that intrest you both go back to how you guys fell in love with each other. dont give up that so easy to do and blame each other who doesnt make each other happy in the marriage. that the way to a easy life. tell him ow much you love him express yourself. god give you so many abilities that i sure you are capable of understanding. do ot give up woman are not weak. woman make men strong.

Jacquelyn Irene - posted on 05/14/2013

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as a wife you dont give up. everybody wants the easy way out quit ding that work it out. ur marriage can be suceeesful.

Jacquelyn Irene - posted on 05/14/2013

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there a big diffrence between Plan and actually doing it. well the number one key a man does not like is nagging,yelling,screaming . if your doing that stop. it doesnt get you or him anywhere. your a mom a parent and a wife. moms are strong even when times are tough it falls back on us. you have a right to ask him . just go easy with how you respond to him. you and him are both human. and i dont think it;s right either parent fight or be ingnored from each other. just ask him in a way thats concerns your marriage and its a simple question. do not keep at him except his answer and if you dont like it i suggest you start praying to god to help you get to a happ marriage and attend church all your answer are in the bible have faith in your marriage and him.

Veronica - posted on 05/13/2013

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It is very hard to give advice concerning matters of the heart, but evaluate why? is it that you remain in a relationship with someone who apparently does not value you. Is it financial??? Is there a need other than love, perhaps you don't feel strong enough to care for a family alone. Are you afraid of being alone? The real issue is not him, The real issue is the reality you choose to embrace. He devalues you because you don't seem to know your own worth. Work on improving your self esteem, and perhaps improving your education if finances are a concern. Look for a women s support group that can help you make the transition towards self sufficiency, Lastly, remember that you complete yourself and if you choose to stay it's because you chose too and not because you needed too.

Wendy - posted on 05/13/2013

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There is NO WAY I would 'let him do it then say something later'....You need to say something NOW and let him know that you will not tolerate it! You cannot ever let a man think that he has control over you and can disrespect you in this way. You have to respect yourself enough to tell him that he is MARRIED and that you will not be taken advantage of. I am so sorry you are dealing with this and cannot imagine the fear and pain you are going through. Strengthen yourself, get counseling, and stand strong and don't let him disrespect you. You two need to fix whatever reason he is considering cheating and if part of that is you, work on that. If you are being the best wife you can be and he is the type that needs to cheat to make himself feel better, then he has the issues. good luck to you.

Michelle - posted on 05/13/2013

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My prayers go out to you as I know this is such a difficult thing to face. I agree with what many others have said and believe that because you know your situation best, you have to do what your gut tells you to do. I was in a similar situation in 2009. I had the gut feeling of something going on until it was confirmed by text messages I came across. I quickly confronted him and asked the most pertinent question. I've never had such strong feelings! I packed some things and took my 6 month old back to live with my mom's house for 8 months until I then moved back in. The transition was difficult for both of as their are MANY mixed feelings to deal with, along with other people's opinions of your decisions, etc. Anyway, we began attending a Christian Church and shortly after went to a marriage retreat where I learned what true forgiveness was about. Every situation is different, but I offer my testimony as a sign of hope. I love my husband very much and he loves me and we have both committed to making our marriage work. Pray about it and build the strength to put a stop to it before it happens. The only thing I regretted (before I got over it) was that I didn't do anything about the HUGE RED SIGNS that were right in front of my face. Fight for your marriage! God Bless

Ndydi - posted on 05/13/2013

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I suggest you pray over that,ask for wisdom to confront him $ deliberate on that.
No two personalities are same,so what worked for one may not work for you,so the need for divine wisdom; besides you are still suspecting and dont have strong evidence yet.
Equally search and work on your shortcomings you feel may contribute to that,since you ealier said he had once attempted to do that.
Goodluck as u go about this.

Jo - posted on 05/13/2013

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I think you should get a GOOD counselor who will help you figure out what YOU want to do. Taking the advice of another woman, even though she may have experienced the same thing, rarely turns out best for you.....she is not you and her husband/boyfriend is not your husband/boyfriend, and everyone's situation has completely different circumstances surrounding the situation. Your best advisors will never tell you what to do, but help you figure it out and help you find the strength to follow through with your choices. Most people mean well, but they don't have to live with the consequences of your decisions, even if they told you what to do and you followed their advice....I wish you the best.

Monika - posted on 05/13/2013

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From what I understand, you can still be a stay at home mom when you divorce him, before you're ready to go back to work, when your baby is big enough, you can apply for help. I know how important it is to spend the first couple of years with the baby, see it grow and react to you. But staying with a guy who cheats on you is very wrong.

Jesse - posted on 05/13/2013

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Leave him. Period. There is someone else out there who wants to be in your life and WILL NOT CHEAT OR EVEN THINK ABOUT CHEATING ON YOU. Chivalry isn't dead you just have to be patient, I truly feel that no one is worth sticking around for if they have even shown interest in another female. I have to much respect for myself (not saying that the other women here don't this is just my opinion) to stick around for a man who isn't 200% in love with me. I'm sorry love I feel your pain I have been there myself and made the decision to never put up with cheating. Its possible.

Bonnie - posted on 05/13/2013

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I have been in a very similar situation and am still with my husband.

To make a long story short, in the months before our wedding (after 8.5 and 2 children together) my husband's ex-gf (previousely a stripper-had to throw that in there because it makes me feel better) had gotten back in touch with him and they sex-texted each other every other night after I took our baby to bed with me (d/t breastfeeding.) (She lived far away.) I found the hard evidence (texts and pictures) 8 months after our wedding at 8 months pregnant that he had had this relationship with her and was planning on leaving me for her. Something had happened and they decided not to go through with it starting about a month before our marriage. I kind of gradually found out about it over the 8 months. I brought it up to him and he finally (after months of lying) fessed up to what actually happened and everything seemed to make sense.

My decision to stay with him was based on many factors. He had been faithful for 8.5 years before and had chosen not to go through with it and we had had a good relationship since. We do love each other and our children and I am not ready to give up on us. I have come to the conclusion that, moving forward, our relationship has changed and that is something we both have to accept and I have had this conversation with my husband. The trust is not there, nor will it ever be what it was for the first 8.5 years of our relationship but I still think it is worth it. He seems geniune that it was a mistake and that he feels awful about it. I am not positive that we will make it forever but I am still willing to try for now. A friend of mine gave me great advise, she said,

"If you've had enough, you'll go."

I have learned a lot out of the whole situation. I now try to keep a part of myself to myself rather than putting all of myself into "we" or "us" physically, emotionally and FINANCIALLY! I feel as though we are worth trying again but am not blinded by the fact we may or may not make it forever and that makes me feel good about myself as only myself. I am putting 100% of myself into repairing our relationship but am preparing for either way. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what is said or done, that he either love's me enough or he doesn't and that is something that will come out in time.

I waited until I had the evidence in front of me to bring it up to him so he couldn't lie his way out of it again (always told me they were "just friends" and other excuses.) I brought the dirty texts/photos up on his computer and made him delete everything in front of me. I also have told him that if he has any contact with her again I will leave him. (Honestly he was a terrible cheater, so I have no doubt I will find out if he does.)

Bring it up to him. Just because he was planning it doesn't mean either of you definitely has to give up on your relationship and at this point you don't have much to lose. Honestly it made me feel empowered to bring it up to him. He knows that he wouldn't have forgiven me if I'd done the same and that I am taking a chance on him. He knows that the trust will never be what it used to and he is aware that I have occasionally go through his phone/computer and understands why. I also told him I will need extra assurance that he truly loves me. I discussed this with a coworker of mine who's boyfriend cheated on her 5 years ago. She is happy they stayed together and said the trust is just starting to come back for them. That gives me hope.

Good luck in this difficult time. No matter what, life will go on and work out how it's supposed to. There really is no time limit so you don't have to decided to go now you can wait until you are truly ready or maybe you and your husband will make it.

Christy - posted on 05/13/2013

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Hurt, anger, rage, pain, guilt, ...and even more comes from situations like this..and they're usually all directed AT OURSELVES.

I learned ...after many years...that it's NOT YOUR FAULT. A spouse will cheat if it's in him or her to do so. It's a defect within THEM....not within YOU.

As for me...If you're 100% certain this is gonna happen...then cowgirl up and confront him...as calmly as you can...and say "Ok...I KNOW (insert facts here)" Don't beg him/her WHY...just lay it out...ask him/her straight up "DO YOU WANT TO SAVE THIS MARRIAGE?" then you go from there.

As for trying to tell someone to not be emotional during this...that's IMPOSSIBLE. In my opinion if you can show no emotion during THIS...then the problem might be that you didn't actually love the other person in the first place. Simply do your best to not get completely overwrought ...that can come later when you're alone depending on the outcome of the discussion.

Prayer is ALWAYS a wonderful tool...utilize it OFTEN. I hope things work out ♥

Diane - posted on 05/13/2013

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Always have open communication with your mate. This is the first rule. Secondly, if you know of a rendezvous point, place, whatever, take one or two witnesses to keep you in check, and approach him. I found out 30 years later that all the years my husband left early in the morning to get to work early he never got to work early. Hmn.

Ann - posted on 05/13/2013

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Firstly, you need a mate on your side. Talk to a good friend or your sister or mum, then you'll know that you're NOT alone.
Next, you have to decide if your relationship is worth saving. If it is, then talk to this man BEFORE he gets he chance to cheat on you, tell him how you feel and re-kindle the love that you have for each other. You may be able to move on stronger than ever.
If, however it is not, and you feel fed up and used and are sick of being taken for granted by this pig, then Kick Him OUT!! You do not need him and if thisbis how he treats you, get rid of him and find someone who WILL look after you in the way you deserve.

Anthea - posted on 05/13/2013

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Kale , you also need to find out what making him want to cheat. if there is a problem you need to solve the issue through discussion , or counselling. Ask him because communication in a marriage is important. but ask God for wisdom first before talking to him. dont watch your marriage break down. Keeping quite and observing is not the best. your marriage will crump right in your face.

Anthea - posted on 05/13/2013

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Kale , you also need to find out what making him want to cheat. if there is a problem you need to solve the issue through discussion , or counselling. Ask him because communication in a marriage is important. but ask God for wisdom first before talking to him. dont watch your marriage break down. Keeping quite and observing is not the best. your marriage will crump right in your face.

Adebola - posted on 05/13/2013

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Talk to him just to let it off your chest and to let him know you know. Then know that whatever he does is not your fault. A man will cheat if his mind is set to do so. Nothing you do or don't do will stop him. Don't let it get to you and don't obsess about it. If you have kids,concentrate in them. It won't be easy but it will make you strong. Most importantly,love You! Do things that make you happy so you won't dwell on it too much.

[deleted account]

Yes, dear Kale. You should talk with him about marriage counseling. Have faith and you take care not to become obsessed with it.

Carol - posted on 05/12/2013

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Whatever you do, keep your dignity and self-respect. Do not beg or dissolve into tears. Let him know that it's his choice, but if he chooses to cheat, there will be consequences. He will probably try to blame you--that's what my father did when he left my mom--people doing wrong try to find a way to blame it on someone else. Don't accept any blame--even if you were an unloving wife, he is not excused from breaking his promises to you. James Dobson's book Love must be Tough gives good advice for this situation. Ask God for help. If you wind up divorced, the Lord will take care of you if you lean on Him. He certainly took care of my mother. For example, she found $200 hidden in a desk that apparently my dad forgot about when he moved out. That was enough for food all summer in those days. Then the Lord helped her find just the right house to rent and a job. She always had everything she needed in spite of my dad's attempts to rip her off. God can take care of you too. But if your husband repents and is truly sorry, it's also possible to rebuild your marriage better than ever. He has to realize he was wrong. Pray for him.

Penny - posted on 05/12/2013

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I want to say talk to him first, but I'm sure he'll deny it. If you wait 'til 'after the fact', you'll want to make sure there's no mistake. Either way, the betraying has already been done and you need to work out/decide if there's anything worth salvaging, or if you can ever forgive him.

Kerry - posted on 05/12/2013

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To save you the heartbreak when he does and him the guilt and consequences finish with him because it is only going to cause trouble especially when children are involved, I don't think any amount of counselling is going to fix him and satisfy your mind, truly sorry but if its in their minds to do it then they have whether or not its been done physically...... good luck with what you decide....

Anne - posted on 05/12/2013

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No use talking to the fuck face...(excuse the language ladies and gentlemen).. He will deny it anyway. Let him do it, then leave the prick. If he can do that to you, then he doesn't respect you and he will do it again and again. Even better, let him do it, catch him doing it and smash his head in and then leave him.

Tracy - posted on 05/12/2013

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I think you need to talk to him. You need marriage counselling as well. Even if he has never cheated before, he has been considering it with other women for a while. I do not but the "everybody makes mistakes" line. I do not know anyone who has accidentally had sex. They may later regret it and view it as a mistake, but while it was happening it was a conscious choice. If your spouse has discussed this with other women and is actively seeking it out, it is a sign of a bigger problem.

Amanda - posted on 05/12/2013

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You need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him and ask him and just be straight up honesty with him and ask him if he is going to cheat on you that you don' t need the heartache and pain that it will hurt the marriage because a lot of marriage end up getting divorces because the husband or the wife cheat but if you want the marriage to last you have to be honesty with yourself and then be honest with him and just ask him...

Karlene - posted on 05/12/2013

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Hire a private investigator to follow him take pictures. Call an attorney for a free consultation have them draw up fake divorce decree where he has to pay you to make any moves and attach the pictures to that decree. Then ask him to talk!

Kim - posted on 05/12/2013

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Kale I am so sorry your facing this in your marriage. I know it is hurtful and hard to go through. Communication is vital in a marriage and so is trust and mutual respect. Confront him with what you know and do it as calmly as you can, at that point it will be up to him to choose to be honest and tell you the truth. Either way you have a choice to make also. If you need to talk I am available .

Susan - posted on 05/12/2013

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I would just sit him down and tell him that you know. If you know who, bring that up. Ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same thing. You can't save a marriage by being quiet. Bring it up. That's what I'd do, anyway.

Victoria - posted on 05/12/2013

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I would say its probably but not for sure. I think you owe it to your marriage to talk to your spouse. And I don't think once a cheater always a cheater...there are sometimes circumstances and people do make mistakes. If you are correct then I'd say its likely that there isn't much hope...however, you do owe it to the sanctity of marriage to at least talk to your spouse, and I'd encourage counseling. However, that being said...if he is a chronic cheater, then he has absolutely no respect for you or your marriage vows, then I say cut your losses and move on.

Terrie - posted on 05/12/2013

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Bring it to the attention of your partner first and let him know how you feel about how his behavior is affecting you. Assuming or jumping to your own/others conclusions only brings more confusion. Get the facts from the source. If he lies, you've done your part by just asking. I'm just saying I don't like cheating, but if that's where it's headed do it right. Keep yourself aware of all your feelings and let them be known..

Natalie - posted on 05/12/2013

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I whole heartedly agree with Haylee's post!!! I know that we NEVER want to contemplate divorce but ... For the children's sake ... You need to make yourself happy for you & the kids. And clearly right now, your not.

Natalie - posted on 05/12/2013

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My personal opinion, and that's all it is MY OPINION, is that he has probably already acted upon his desires. If it were me ... I would be formulating a plan to move out & move on!!! Men are pigs and the way they act just causes us pain, stress & heartbreak!!! All that you are gonna through now will only intensify once you find out that he has already done things he shouldn't!!!! Honestly .... Do you seriously want to stick around feeling the way you feel, worrying everyday if he already has or when he is going to? I mean, I don't believe there is very much u can do to stop men from doing the things they do. If you are already giving your all in your relationship / marriage then you need to realize the very hurtful truth .... That its not you ... It's him not being satisfied with what he already has!!! I'm sorry if tht hurts because I have been through it ... SEVERAL times and it took me quite a while to realize that I was giving him EVERY OUNCE of love, happiness & effort that I could. I just wasn't enough anymore. Once it gets to that point ... For your own sanity .... Just go & make YOURSELF happy!! Good Luck

Beth - posted on 05/12/2013

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if you know for a fact, i think you should absolutely confront him with your proof before things go any further. the fact that he is TRYING to cheat on you is very disturbing to me. you need to find out what his issues are.

Haylee - posted on 05/12/2013

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Cheating is inexcusable. There is no reason why you should have to put up with this. If I were you, I would confront him before the deed. It's probably difficult for you to imagine leaving him because you have a family, but in the end, what is best for your children? They need to be in a healthy environment with a happy mom. I know I wouldn't be happy if I were in this situation. Maybe you guys can work something out, maybe not. But do confront him. Tell him you will not put up with it and leave if you must. Good luck to you! I can't imagine how much pain you are feeling.

Dianna - posted on 05/12/2013

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I feel your pain at the time I left my cheating ex I was a stay at home mom that went from my parents home to living with him... I had NOTHING. I hadn't gotten past high school. What I was going to do after leaving is part of the reason I chose to work on it initially.... but at the end of the day... its just not worth it... it doesn't matter whether hes done it or hes planning on it... he obviously doesn't value you the way a husband should... it will be hard if you leave.... I had to completely start over get a place go to college day care babysitters the whole 9 yards... but in the end.... life moves on and gets better if you want it bad enough... staying in a relationship like that isn't good for you.... and in turn isn't good for your daughter..

Alberta - posted on 05/12/2013

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TALK TO HIM NOW!!! Do not wait till after he cheats and you know about it. If you want to fix this marriage stop it before he takes the next step!

Carmelita - posted on 05/12/2013

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My heart aches for you, prayer always helps, be careful who you talk to , some people have a way of using things against you later in life, I have experienced exactly what you are going through, so many un answered questions that flow through your mind, not an easy situation at all, and so painful to experience, stay busy and focused on other things, and remember when the KARMA bus rolls around and it does. He will get what he has sent out, you really do get back what you sow, what goes around really does come back around! Love you dear stay strong, God will hug you and wipe all tears away.

Tara - posted on 05/12/2013

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First, I am sorry for the pain this is causing. People cheat because of their own problems and issues, and as mentioned by others, it is NOT your fault. Secondly, I'd ask you how you found out? Was it accidental or did you suspect something due to behavior and confirmed by seeing an email or text or phone call, etc.? Third, if you decide to talk to him or confront him, know what you want out of the discussion, and be prepared for a response or an answer that doesn't make you feel any better than you do right now. Get something out of the discussion, don't just let in inflict further pain. Decide what's best for you. Because you're not to blame, what outcome makes you okay with your life? Are you willing to stay with someone who needs to earn your trust back? There's no right or wrong answer here, unfortunately. It's more difficult for women than for men to do this, I think, but try to put YOU first and what YOU will and won't tolerate in your marriage. With that in mind, I usually go by the following rules for myself: 1) Don't decide to approach him when your emotions are running high. 2) If you did confirm something by seeing his email or looking at his phone, give it plenty of time before you give away the power and you aren't able to confirm your suspicions because you'll forever lose that power once you say anything at all. 3) You don't have to feel inferior or imagine that this woman or these other women have so much more to offer or are better, hotter, younger (whatever it might be) than you. I don't even know you and I can tell you that's not true about cheating. You spouse has an issue with himself and he's dealing with it in a way that jeopardizes his marriage and hurts his wife.

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