Difficult Relations With In-Laws

Brooke - posted on 01/16/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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ok, when my finace & i found out we were pregnant, i was in honduras on a mission trip. when i got a flight back to his house, i found out i wasn't welcome there, in fact his mom & step - dad shouted at us until about 2 in the morning, and basically kicked us out. they wanted him to leave me, but my fiance wasn't about to and that made them reallly mad, so we had to go to his aunt's house for a few days til it blew over. After that, we got a marriage license in the courthouse, but they weren't even happy with that and wouldn't let us share a room in their house until we had an official blessing by a pastor. Anyway, it was one of the worst weeks of my life, suffering not only from the stress of the situation but the fact that made it so much harder than it needed to be. We have since moved across the country to live near my folks, & have an apartment here. My baby is due in about a week. I have tried to forgive his parents, but its really hard to think especially of his step- dad being around the baby - and my husband just told me yesterday the whole family is planning on coming for a weekend after the baby is born and staying at our place. I can tolerate the thought of his mother & sisters here, but not of his step-dad, who is a very disagreeable and angry man. I don't want my child ever calling him grandpa, or even being around him, but i don't want to break off relations with his mom, because his mom is all my husband has left, and she only treated us the way she did because she was influenced by her husband. How can i make his stepdad understand that he is not welcome at my house without causing a huge problem?

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Aimee - posted on 01/16/2010

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I've never understood why a parent demands their child to do what THEY want them to do once they are adults. I was in a very similar situation with my ex-husband and his family. They even went as far as to move the woman they wanted my husband with into their home. Nice huh?? My husband ended up going to this woman and leaving me when I was six months pregnant. First off, the fact that your husband didn't listen to them, and was willing to move away from them shows true devotion on his part; especially if they are as close as you say. So Kudos to him there. So secondly, you need to talk to him about your concerns and brainstorm with him about how to handle the situation tactfully, and in YOUR best interest (being ultimately your baby's as well!).
I understand your desire to place ALL the blame on your husband's step father for the way you were treated but remember, you MIL is an adult too and ultimately she makes her own choices to treat people the way she does. She had the CHOICE to put her foot down and not follow through with with her husband's actions. Personally, I think an apology ALL AROUND is in order before any of them should be allowed in YOUR home!!! Good luck!

Krista - posted on 01/16/2010

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Even if you DID get along with all of them, I strongly advise against letting the whole gang stay at your place for a weekend after the baby is born. You're going to be tired and hormonal, and trying desperately to establish a routine with the baby. The LAST thing you need is weekend guests right now, trust me on this. Even the nicest houseguests will get on your last nerve and piss you off when you've just given birth. Please ask your husband to tell his family that them staying there will just be a bit too overwhelming for you with the new baby (feel free to pass the buck and have him say that your "friends" told you that it's a very bad idea to have houseguests at that time). Later, once things have settled down more and you've regained your equilibrium, you can talk to your husband about his stepdad and how you're going to manage that situation.

But I reiterate: having them stay for the weekend is a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, BAD idea.

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Jennifer - posted on 01/16/2010

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I am going though the same thing, but I don't let my husbands brother around my daughter. He is crazy and yells a lot, but I can't get away we live right next door to them and we have a family farm together. So when he comes around or i have to go over there he is not left with him and he is only aloud to see her when I am there. And i dont let her call him uncle. I feel bad doing it but I talked to my husband about it and we agreed that it was the bestand safes thing for our daughter. GOOD LUCK and I hope everything works out for you.

Amanda - posted on 01/16/2010

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You need to make your husband makes sure HIS step dad knows that he needs to control himself while visiting. This is YOUR house and your rules and he is the visitor. Don't allow him to make you feel uncomfortable in your house. Just as he kicked you out of his, you have every right to do the same to him if he does anything to upset you.

Geraldine - posted on 01/16/2010

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any idea what they problem was...sometimes parents have too high expectations of their kids and if they think babies outside marriage is a huge issue it may be why they reacted very badly...unfortunately even when you got married they maybe didnt see you as married if they wnated the full church thing....mums often want big white weddings for their girls especially if they didnt get one themselves...have you spoken to either of them since. Remember this time they will be on your patch so whilst you want to put them at ease if they get out of line you set the rules...cant comment on special issue re step dad as sounds as if there is more too it. If your mum in law is smart she will see that her chance of a releationship with her grandchild hinges on this visit and if it was me I wouldnt be letting any man rock that boat!...good luck!

Krista - posted on 01/16/2010

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yeah, well they're coming almost a month after she's born, so i think it should be ok for his mom & sisters to be there, besides their hispanic, and their families are really close close, if you know what i mean, i think they would be very offended to come all the way here and stay at a hotel. Mostly , i need to know how to get the stepdad to not come with them when they come visit.


Well, keep it in mind -- if they're waiting until a month after the baby's born, then you should be okay, but maybe ask your husband to plan lots of outings with them so that you have time alone with the baby to decompress.

As far as the stepdad goes, that's a toughie. Where it's your husband's family, I would ask him to explain to his mother that you were very, very hurt by the way his stepdad treated you, and that you're just not comfortable with him because of this. If the stepdad gets pissed off and cancels the trip, then that's HIS problem. If that damages the relationship between your husband and his mother, then that is a shame, but each party here is an adult, and they are all responsible for their own behaviour and actions. You're not forcing anybody to do anything -- how they react is their own choice.

Emily - posted on 01/16/2010

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Do not worry about pinning it on his step-dad for now. If you think he should know how you feel, wait until they leave and after things have calmed down. Have them stay in a hotel. I have problems with my mother in law so I know how bad it can get. I can honestly say that my hormones did not help the situation at all (we had to live with them the first six months). The last thing you and your family need right now is extra stress that you don't want. You will be uncomfortable the whole time if you let them stay. Good luck!

Cori - posted on 01/16/2010

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agreed.. dont let them stay at your place. if you have to get them a hotel room. we let my mother, best friend and her 3 year old son stay at our place before and after baby was born (for about 3 weeks) which wasnt so bad until our inlaws came to. we have a pretty big house for being young and new parents (3 beds, 2.5 baths 2200 sq ft) but when hubby's mom, dad and sister all got here the weekend after our son was born my house felt like it was 500 sq ft.. i couldnt get any space or alone time and i was trying to breast feed my son this whole time, and get comfortable with that and then to have both of our families there crowding us! I wish i would have bought them a hotel room for that week!! i fought with my husband, and i love my inlaws but there is still stuff that went on that week that makes me mad today.

Heather - posted on 01/16/2010

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You should talk to your husband and let him know how you feel and your concerns, this isn't something you should have to handle on your own, ESPECIALLY if it is his parents. Then the two of you need to talk to his father about your concerns. But I would wait a few weeks after the baby is born.

Brooke - posted on 01/16/2010

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yeah, well they're coming almost a month after she's born, so i think it should be ok for his mom & sisters to be there, besides their hispanic, and their families are really close close, if you know what i mean, i think they would be very offended to come all the way here and stay at a hotel. Mostly , i need to know how to get the stepdad to not come with them when they come visit.

Lisa - posted on 01/16/2010

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you make your husband tell his family that they can stay in a hotel. too much stress with a newborn, you need your rest--whatever excuse he wants or he can be blunt and say that step dad makes you uncomfortable.

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