dilemma about bf (biological father)?????

Devon - posted on 06/14/2009 ( 88 moms have responded )

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I got a letter in the mail a couple of day's ago that told me i have a right to request an annual meeting for child support. since i haven't had one since 2003, i am requesting one because i know that my kids father is making alot more now then 8 dollars an hour.



anyway, my one friend is friends with my ex's brother's who one of there girlfriend's called my friend and was telling him that she talk's to my ex here and there and he is always asking about my kids and all this other stuff (because she is on my friends list on myspace) but was telling her that he doesn't want to see them because he doesn't want to complicate stuff, which i know he means that he doesn't want to complicate things between me and my boyfriend of 6 years. i think that is stupid, people do it everyday and they are in different relationships.



my dilemma is that once i get my court date for the child support i am afraid that if he shows up (because last time we had to go he faxed all his stuff over instead of coming in person), that when we are done with the meeting that he is going to try to ask me if he can see them. and i have gaven him ton's of chances to see them and he blew it everytime. he hasn't seen them in about 4 years now. so i don't know if he would happen to ask me that if i should let him or if i should just tell him that if he wants to see his kids then he can take me to court and then i will try to get supervised visitation????? i don't know what to do??? if anyone has answers or comments, i would appreciate them :)

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Jenny - posted on 06/24/2009

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I completely agree. I also have a 13 year old son with the same situation. At the age of seven his sperm donor called and wanted to meet him. I wasn't fond of it but agreed. He met him twice in person and talked once a week for a couple months and that was it. It has been 6 years since they've spoken. You are the mother and knows what is best. They are only six, they don't understand the situation to leave it in their hands, and you don't want to say bad things about the dad to bite you in the butt later on in life. My son also had "ISSUES" after meeting him and takes it out all on me. SHELLEY you obviously have no clue about the subject of safety for the children so you should've just kept quiet. Devon make sure your court papers say you have primary custody and that any visits require a 24 hour notice to you that is all you need for school records that he can't come take them. Do what you think is in the best interest of your girls and to hell with SHELLEY. Good luck!!!

Diane - posted on 06/17/2009

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Shelly i dont want to be rude but have you lived through the experience devon has if not then i suggest you live it then tell her what to do.

Women like her drive you crazy well dont you think it drives her crazy going through day to day trying to get there father to be in there lives and he wont and after 6 years he all the sudden wants to be a father to them my opinion to little to late.

I lived through the same situation for 22 years my daughters father wanted nothing to do with her whatsoever untill she was 17 years old all the sudden he wanted to see her.

well i left that up to my daughter she was mature enough to decide and she decided that he had never been a father to her and she didnt want to see him.

If you think that paying child support makes him a father then you havent calculated what you get for child support and what it truely costs to raise a child the money i was recieving for my daughter didnt even buy her school lunches for a week so they get away with the finacial difficulties and the mental and the support part of raising a child but cause they throw a couple of bucks a month to you then that makes them a father no my dear that makes them a sperm donner and nothing more.

Devon - posted on 06/16/2009

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to shelly burton on your post, that was a little harsh, but my kids have a father in there life that they have known since they were 6 months old and call him daddy and he is a better father to them then there real dad will ever be to them. there father has had many chances to come and see them but he came 4 times and stopped. he was never really there for them and he has threatened to take me to court but never did!! it will also be hard to for him to see them because he lives in hazleton, pa and i live in q-town, pa. besides he needs supervised visitation if it comes to court because he doesn't know how they are, he has hit his ex girlfriends kids in the past, he has hit me when we dated and he is on and off with drugs. so if he wants to see his kids then he can have supervised visitation with them. i also know that without physical custody he can take my kids and i know that i wouldn't be able to do anything about it, which is another reason i am confused about what to do. i want to go for full custody so if that happens i can do something about it but yet i don't want him to take my kids overnight until he gets to know them a bit better. also, like i said when i first posted my problem, he has said to my friends friend that he wants to see them but he doesn't want to make things complicated which means he doesn't want to interfere with me and my boyfriend. that is just an accuse not to want to see his kids. bottom line he is a dead beat and always has been and he hasn't always paid me child support on a daily basis. i was in court alot of times, more then i can count because he wasn't paying support like it was court ordered or he was changing jobs constantly. he has even gone to jail for 2 days because of it and since that happened now he has been paying me every week and i haven't had a problem. so, thank you for your reply but you didn't have to be so harsh with your words. i am just trying to think of what is best for my children and children seeing there fathers aren't always whats best for the kids, exspecially if they already have a good father figure in there life.

Neem - posted on 06/24/2009

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i know the saying 'blood runs thicker than water' but the term father goes beyond just impregnating a woman and then leaves her to care for the child. Its the taking care of, giving the love and being there for ur kids makes what u call Dad or Mom. the fact that ur x didnt even support u from 2003 and leave everything to u shows what type of person he is.



However ur kids has the right to know who their bio father is but at 6 yrs old, they may b too young to comprehend as they have regarded ur current man to be their father whom like u said is a better father. Dont press the issue on ur kids to make them understand. they will understand eventually.



Regardless of how irresponsible ur x is, it would be unfair if u stop kids from seeing their bio father as they may resent u for that. Keep the hatred and bitterness abt ur x from kids as it may hv an emotional and social effect on them abt men in future.

Hope all works out well for u.

Brandy - posted on 06/24/2009

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You have to remember that this is not about you. The relationship between him and his kids does not give you control or any more rights than the father. Although he has not been there and you have been the one supporting them it sounds that he has been financially contributing and that’s a good thing. Asking for supervised visitation is not something that you should do to ease your concerns. If there have been signs of abuse with his children or substance abuse that would be different but it does not sound like he’s a bad person he just has made bad decisions. The point is the kids need to see their father and you don’t want to be that reason they don’t. As they get older they will need both of you.

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Laura - posted on 11/16/2011

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This is a sticky situation. Ignore the emotional component if you can; making him take you to court to see them serves no positive purpose to you kids. Does he live a decent enough life at this point to be in their life? Also, the responsibility of keeping visitation is on him; granting permission is the only responsibility you have. I would insist on supervised visitation as well, since he's essentially a stranger to the kids. Also, this really has nothing to do with your boyfriend, this is about your kids and their dad. Keep your perspective. You are entitled to child support regardless of whether he show up for visits or not. Try to treat these as the separate issues they are.

Tanya - posted on 06/25/2009

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I have always told friends in this situation to keep a journal, by this it can mean just an extra calender with little notes. Just to keep track of all the let downs all the missed visits and extras, I would still go ahead with the court date to get support he owes his kids that. But as far as the visitation he can take you to court, beleive you me if he has not wanted anything to do with them for the past 4 years hes not going to start now!!! Does'nt want to see them as he does not want to "complicate" stuff bullshit if he had any interest in his kids he would move heaven and earth for them!!! As far as ex's goes the reality is if you have kids together you are ALWAYS going to be in each others lives the new partners need to get used to this that is just part of the package! good luck

Christie - posted on 06/25/2009

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Hi. I think that if he is their father, he should be able to see them but under your terms. Maybe short visits at your house under your supervision for a while and go from there. He may not even request to see them but if he does, you should give the kids a chance to spend time with their father. If it works out, great - if it doesn't, you tried and they will form their own opinions about him when they are old enough to understand. Coming from experience myself with the exact situation happening to me as a child. Good luck and always keep your kids first!

Heidi - posted on 06/25/2009

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Wow, this touches too close to home. I too have a daughter from a guy who wants nothing to do with her. He was in and out of her life until she was 5 mths old when I pushed for a visitation schedule. The judge ordered supervised visitation for 2 mths. and he never showed up once! He had his parenting time (what the state of MI calls visitation) suspended and Yes he still paid child support. I met my now husband when she was 15 mths old. We married when she was 3 and gave her a brother when she was 4. She never missed a beat and has called him daddy as long as I can remember. It wasnt until just before her 7th birthday that he decided to be "father of the year". I decided to let him see her but not let her know that he was her father. We would meet at a public place and she just thought he was a friend of mine from High School. It wasnt until 3 weeks into this that he called to tell me he was going to tell her the truth about who he was. You know it, I VIOLATED A COURT ORDER!! I didn't care if I went to jail or not because it was not his place to explain this to our daughter. Something like this needed to be explained to her from her daddy and I. We told her and she started to see him a little more. Until one weekend when she didnt want to go and she called him and he said "it is my weekend and you have to come" Well she did go and spend one night. She called me the second night and said she wanted to come home, He got on the phone and started yelling at me and said he didnt know what to do and I could just come and get her. This happened about 6 mths after she started to see him again. She will be 10 next month and he has not seen her since!!! She did have emotional problems from this and every now and then says something about him, but for the most part the whole experience made her love her daddy even more. She knows that she is lucky to have a daddy in her life and that is all that is important. Good luck with everything and my suggestion would be if it is court ordered, fight for supervised and if he doesnt push the issue and it is not court ordered dont push the issue either.

Tracey - posted on 06/25/2009

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Hey! I understand how hard a choice you are trying to make! Keep focused and don't make it personal, remember its not about you and your ex, its about your kids!



You are the only one who knows what type of person he is? If you feel that he may harm your children or bad mouth you, then rather go to court for supervised visits, otherwise what is the harm in letting him see them. You sound like a great mom, and I'm sure you don't want to be told one day "you kept our dad away from us!" because kids don't see the good you are trying to do, they just see you being unfair and not giving their dad a chance, meanwhile you gave him tons of chances! It sounds like he is trying his hardest to not see them either for emotional reasons or the one you states about you and your long term partner, so the chances he will even show up are slim right?



If he wants them for the day then be concerned, but just to see them with you around sound ok?



At the end of it you need to do what you feel in your heart is the right thing for your kids! I pray that you have wisdom in your descision.

Chinggay - posted on 06/24/2009

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If you are not comfortable with it, then don't. On the other hand it is the right of the children to see their father. So that it will be fair for all concerned, ask for a supervised visitation.

Dale - posted on 06/24/2009

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Hi Devon, I know if I was going through this situation, I would ask my girls what they would want to do. They may want to see their father and maybe not. I would support their decision but if they wanted to see him, probably start with supervised visits. Hopefully, your boyfriend will also support their decisions.I wish you luck.

Rhonda - posted on 06/24/2009

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if its any consellation my husband and me split when our 2 children were babies they are now 27 and 24 i never kept them from him he kept himself from them. my son got married and he didnt go to his wedding the next day he had a bad fall and was in intensesive care we were all there for him when this happened and afterwards there was some kind of bond we kept in touch and visited him from time to time. that was 8yrs ago. 3 yrs later he took ill again and was in intensesive care again we were there for him. although i have another partner and have had for the last 15 yrs and we are getting married this year we stood by my childrens father. and just 3 wks ago he died. so what i say dont let your anger and fear stand in the way of what your children want at the end of the day you both are the childrens parents.

Toni - posted on 06/24/2009

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I am sorry for your dilemma especially because it's the children that suffer. I don't know the laws where you live but in Az my adopted daughter bio mother was given visitation. Needless to say she hasn't made any contact in several years. I don't even know where she lives. My atty informed me at this point for her to see my daughter she would have to take me back to court and prove to the judge that she has something positive to offer. In Az paying child support or not does not guarantee visits. They can not pay and still get visits. I would contact an atty for a free consult.

Joani - posted on 06/24/2009

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You don't know what he was or wasn't like or what their situation is or was like. My ex-told me to get rid of our child then when she was born took me to court for custody so he wouldn't have to pay child support after fighting for over a year his girlfriend said i ain't taking care of it and he dropped it. Would you want to put your child/ren into a situation where they are told you weren't wanted do you know what that does to a child. My best friend on the other hand her ex was always there and when she was killed his visitation went to her parents so that they would always be a part of their grandsons life. You CAN'T throw out a blanket "YOU PEOPLE" when you don't know the circumstances.

[deleted account]

I see these sorts of topics and feel compelled to respond with my take on things. I am Married to a *wonderful* man and an *amazing* Daddy to our children whom I love with all of my heart and plan to spend the rest of my life with. I could not pick a better man to have had children with. We went through something similar-- But unlike your situation where you actually want your kids to have their Daddy as a part of their life, his wretched "mistake" didn't. She manipulated the kids, lied to them... did several bad things in order to make herself feel better. She wrote emails under the kids account and signed their names to them, sending them to his family about he and I and when we would ask them, when we'd have them-- They would say they knew nothing of the emails, never written them and didn't have email access which is true.


We both know that those kids are not in a good place, my family knows it as well as his. They live in a home with a man who has been arrested several times and has his "offender" record available online. Their mother constantly claims they are getting Married, but the days pass and nothing. Only causing her "friends" to laugh at her behind her back and say that he's not dumb enough. The kids need honesty and normalcy. They need a good life. We've all gotten the run-around when it comes to them. No home address, no phone number that's working, yet they have always had ours. She has tried to manipulate the situation still, recently wanting to give his family only her work address and her cell phone number. She wants to be the point of contact between them/us and the kids. She doesn't want the kids to know that our family cares about them. It's sick, sad and wrong. I myself, as well as my Husband have emailed several times and kept copies of any and all attempts to contact them, text messages between she and I-- Everything because of the type of sick person we are dealing with. We've worked with my family's Lawyer, yet never been to Court... ever, for anything. Little did she know when she was pulling all of this, telling all of the lies and trying to turn the kids away from us that she was doing the same to him, pushing him away and making him feel that disrupting their lives anymore with her ways was worth it. Please be smart and let your children decide. Please DO NOT try and disrupt whatever relationship they may have with their Daddy who loves them, because before you know it, he'll just throw his hands up and say that one day when they are old enough that he will tell them the truth about the situation and they can decide from there if they want him to be a part of their life.




That is what we are hoping for, with all of the emails, texts, credit reports (she stole his identity for years) and so forth that we have saved. When it comes down to proof of the truth from the lies, the wanting to spend time with them-- The Christmas presents stacked waist high in our daughter's closet that, by then they will be outgrown, but we buy every year anyway... they'll see the truth.




Just please, if he is a good, safe, trustworthy man that you can trust with your children aside from whatever issues you had with him personally; that would be good for your kids and constant in their lives-- I say go for it. Every child needs a strong father figure in their lives, mine whom I call my Daddy now is actually my stepdad since 2nd Grade. I wouldn't trade him for the world and I sure wouldn't turn my back on him for mine and my brother's "sperm donor" but that's just me. Let your kids decide.

Heather - posted on 06/24/2009

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I'm in a divorce situation also and have been remarried for 2 yrs. In my state (ID) if a parent pays C/S they are entitled to see the kids unless the court finds a reason not to. I looked into supervised visits b/c of the emotional abuse I encountered while married to my ex. I learned that getting supervised visits is VERY hard and you have to prove a whole bunch of stuff to get it. Thankfully, my daughter is always happy to see her dad, which makes me feel better. Anyway, I would recommend that you set up a time where he can see the kids in a public place, like a McDonald's or park. Tell your kids that you are meeting someone there so if he doesn't show they aren't crushed. The public place is good b/c if you don't trust him, you can watch from a distance. If your kids don't like him (w/in reason, they are kids) take that into consideration. He doesn't have to be Dad, he could end up being like a friend, uncle etc. Just make sure he's committed to making them a part of his life. Whether or not you like him is separate from the fact that he is their dad and as long as he's good to them, he has every right to see them. That's what I've come to realize w/my ex. My daughter is crazy about him and I certainly am not. But he is good to her and enriches her life simply by being there. Now, if the dad treats thems bad, trash talks you, exposes them to drugs, booze, floozies etc than that's a different story. The fact that he didn't show up to court tells me he is afraid/nervous about seeing you, not complicating things.

Candace - posted on 06/24/2009

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If he does actualy want to see his children I think you should let him, but I think there should be some ground rules, set up are regular schedule of short supervised visits then give him more time with them as he earns it. But let him know that he has to keep his commitments to those girls or it is over. It would be awful for the girls to miss out on knowing their biological father if he actually wants to be their DAD, but at the same time DADs don't go breaking their children's hearts. My brother has a simular situation with his ex. She actually terminated her parental rights to my neice so my brother and his wife have full custody and receive no child support. About 6 months after this happened Becky decided she did want to be involved in her daughter's life and got her act together. Now my neice lives with her mom and dad but spends every other weekend with "her Becky" and her half sister, and I think her life is better for it. Good Luck, only you really know everything that is going on and I'm sure you will do what is best.

Laurie - posted on 06/24/2009

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I agree with some of the other comments that part of the dilemna here is the long term possibility of him coming in and twisting it all back on to you. I've seen that happen with friends. I really think that, if he asks to see them, you should agree to let him meet the three of you at a neutral location for a casual meeting. Maybe even bring your boyfriend. Either way, keep it low key when talking to your kids about it. Don't build it up, in case he doesn't show, and then keep your cool either way. It is hard to make kids understand that "Daddy" is out there somewhere, even though he's a stranger to them, so don't try. All of the pressure should not be on you with this. He needs to share some of it. If you do meet, set some ground rules prior to, and be right there to make sure that they're followed.

Good luck!

[deleted account]

Quoting Shelly:

Devon,
Women like you drive me crazy!!! Thier father has every right to see his children and were he has been paying child support the past four yrs. Even if he he hasn't tried to see them before he has every right to try and build a relationship with HIS children...Why is it that you seem to think that you are the only one with rights why do you think that he should have supervised visitation and no he doesn't have to take you to court all he has to do is go through the child support divition at health & welfare. and they can press charges on you if you try to block him from seeing thim!!!And if you don't have a custody agreement with him saying that you have physical custody he can walk away with your kids and there isn't a dang thing that you can do about it!! So I suggest you go to the courts and get things in writing instead of thaking it for granted on what he wants. And hoe unfair of you to try and keep your kids away from thier father...Do you not think that they have the right to know who he is and who they are??? It would be totaly different if he hadn't been paying child support for the past six years and just ran away from the entire thing!!!


Too harsh.



I too have a son from a man whose father refuses to acknowledge him.






There is no child support and he has not asked ot see him ever. He knows how to find us as well. If he asked I would probably allow it however my husband an dI went back and forth on this issue quite a bit when he was younger. At 17 yrs of age this July we are not really concerned as he has a really good level head on his shoulders and is legally adopted.






However I do understand your concerns.





Devon,




the issue is you have the family structure out of wack.





You will do damage to your daughters by not having a good solid structure around them to grow healthy in. You need to make your boyfriend a husband or he cannot father your daughters with full authority.






If the girls' father wishes to interact with them, has not been there, and is a flight potential you need to shield them. But if, as you said, he has had a long term interest in his girls, they are his girls and no one can fully replace that fact especially not a boyfriend that can pick up and leave at any point in their lives. That holds legally as well, as Shelly said, and you need to be sure of wher you stand or you could lose them completely if the father decides to contest depending on which state you are in.






Why are you going on a rumor third and fourth hand? Why have you not contacted the father directly? If you have been in bed together, you have been intimate on both sides then you need to grab ahold, and be in charge. A lot of us lack self confidence to step up to the plate and allow life to just drag us along for the ride. Life is what you make it. So step up and make it!  This sounds like a teeny bop game and children's lives are at stake!






These babies are depending on you to guide their lives and guard them. You are their only source of protection and guidance tha is secure and certain.  There is a real reason for marrige and structure. Without it we fail to meet the needs of our children in their training and we fail to build a relationship that outlasts the struggles. Marrige and child rearing are hard sacrifical work.






We offer our lives as a servant to those we love and serving them fulfills us, gorws us and enriches our lives and theirs.






A boyfriend is not a father. 






A father that is not there is not a father.






Without a father to teach and guide them your daughters will not know how to relate to men and will roam one man to another, or one woman to another searching for the every love we were intended to train into them as mother and father. That is what clouds you with doubts and unceratinty in facing this tough issue. The structure is out of line.






You have some really tough choices to make and I hope that you are able to make them.






I am a mother to 10 kids.



Two steps ones, (25 and 23 now)



one son not biologcally my husband's (whose father has no interest), (almost 17 now)



three sons that our ours and four daughters that are ours. (ages 15 down to 4 1/2 yrs)



We have been together through it all for 16 years now and still going strong.






My best wishes to you,

Janet - posted on 06/24/2009

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No use trying to keep them from him. He is the father, and, besides, what makes you think he would want to see them? If he pays support, you can't keep them from him. What is the deal with supervised visitation? Is he harmful? Just let them see him; sounds to me like you still have feelings for him.

[deleted account]

To Shelly... honestly you have no idea, like others have said what it is like to be a mother of children who have a father that gets a wild hair up his butt every once in a blue moon to want to see his kids. I'm sorry, but unless you can walk in someone's shoes, you have no right to condemn them for their actions. And as for your view of the legal actions that can be taken against Devon... WOW are you WRONG!!! Devon, my mother works for an attorney in PA. There are more legal actions protecting you and the kids than you may think. Technically whether he is paying child support or not, HE CAN NOT TAKE THE KIDS FROM YOU! Yeah, I know this from experience. My ex tried and the judge laughed in his face! Child support and visitation are TWO different things and even though you can bring up visitation in a child support hearing, it will not affect YOUR custody unless he proves you unfit. Talking to the many Child Protective Services Workers in the past two years because of my ex and my boyfriends ex, as long as you provide a safe home, food, and supervision you have nothing to worry about. The fact that you have had physical custody for over four years, and little to no contact with him, you have nothing to worry about. If you have proof that he has your contact information for the entire time the kids have been alive, you have nothing to worry about. Unless at any given time you have told him that he can't see them without making another time he can see them. My additional advice to you is this... call your local legal aid office. They will be more than happy to help you or get you in contact with someone who can. And like someone else has said in this post... go with your gutt, go with your heart... you know your ex... no one else here does. Like I said before, I would love to have my ex want to be in my kids lives, but if you don't feel that your ex is "safe" then you have to protect them. But do it legally. You don't have to take his rights away, if the state of PA feels that he is unfit, they will do that for you and he can't do crap to stop it... I've seen it happen... have faith in yourself and your boyfriend that you two will make the best decision for your girls.

[deleted account]

Wow, first know that you are not the only one who fights with this daily. My children are 15, 12 and 7. I was married to their father for 12yrs before he decided to walk out. (My oldest was 12 when he did) They have not heard from their father in a year. He said it is because he doesn't want to deal with me, but they have their own phone and they do have their own email... yet no contact. He complains to friends that I keep his children from him, but yet this is a man that decided he would sign his paternal rights over just so he didn't have to pay child support anymore. (mind you, this has yet to happen legally) But to be honest my fiance and I have been together for almost three years... he knew I had kids by someone else from the beginning and was told that he had to accept that the father would be in their lives. This is a part of life, I know you didn't say your boyfriend had issues that it is the biological father, but that has to be a two way street. Your biological father may have issues knowing that the "father" responsibility has been taken over by another man and he is jealous. Who knows, but if you truly believe that he is wanting to be a part of their lives, give him the opportunity to prove it. Invite him to school functions, bday parties and things like that. Make him feel comfortable in seeing that you and your kids are happy with or without him. But it has to be his and your kids choice. (I learned this the hard way!) You can ask at your child support hearing that he has court ordered visitation and that if he doesn't follow through with it, his rights can be taken away. Just don't take away the opportunity for him to be in their lives if they want to see him or if he wants to be involved. My kids hurt because of their daddy not even calling them on their bdays. They hurt that they have his last name, but he doesn't want to take the time to pick up the phone. Be greatful that you have a father that is wanting to atleast take the time to find out about the kids. I don't have that. I know that it is a hard decision to make, but just think about it this way... if you were them, and based on the little contact that they have had with him, would you want to visit with him? It may not hurt to just have them see another part of that side of the family... maybe his parents or siblings? Just think about it.

Mel - posted on 06/24/2009

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Hi Devon,
my son is 18 now and is of the opinion that his dad is a wast of space and if he ever saw him face to face it would only be to 'punch his lights out', i never lied to my son,or spoke ill of his dad and there were times when it near killed me to keep quiet.
I had a contact number for his dad and told him he could call whenever he wanted, he did and no answer,no returned calls,then when he was 7 his dad was gonna come visit,he even made a bed in his room for his dad and yup you guessed it a no show,i was again left to make his excuses and pick up the pieces, this went on till wife #3 and he moved house and changed his number.We had contact with his grandparents and found out that my ex stated that he did not make the effort because he still has issues with me..16 years and he still has yet to grow up! I guess the end result was my son's thanks that i allowed him to come to his own conclusions about his dad and his feeling that i was more than enough of a parent.
I know there are two sides to as to a story but only one side to a mothers love for he kids and her need to protect them, whatever you decide will be the right thing for your kids ,because you will do it out of love.
I hope things work out for you x x

Beverley - posted on 06/23/2009

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Hi there. My daughter is nearly 17 now, and her father flitted in and out of her life for the first 6 years. There was an incident where he hit her for no reason with a stick, and after that he had to have supervised visits (he had threatened me too with violence). This happened when she was 3 and he never bothered between the ages of 3 and 6. Anyway, he saw her last when she was 6, and I kept him updated with her progress at school doing all the right things etc. He moved away in 1999 and never gave me a forwarding address.



At the end of the day I fully understand how you feel. Personally, I would love to tell him where to go (and I would lol) but although my relationship with him ended 16 years ago, I have to realise that they will always be entitled to know each other. It devastates me that he can phone at anytime, or via the legal system contact us, and ask to see my girl. But I have sat her down and told her what he did, and just to say that I will never stop them being in contact, but advised her to always meet him in public, during the daytime, and never ever ever to go anywhere alone with him, get in a car etc. At the end of the day that is all you can do hun.



Hope this helps. Good luck x

Beverley - posted on 06/23/2009

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Hi Devon. My daughter is now coming up for 17 years of age. Her father didn't really show an interest for the first 6 years and flitted in and out of her life. He also allegedly hit her in the tummy with a stick (for legal purposes I am not allowed to say whether he really did - I did not see it and she was only 3 at the time) but he was only allowed supervised visits after that. He last saw her when she was 6, and kept him updated etc on her progress. He last saw her in January 1999 and shortly after post I sent to him was returned saying he had moved away.



But, to cut to the chase, at the end of the day it is up to your children. Of course, if it was down to me I would never have seen him again. But you have to think of your kids - your relationship with him may be over but, unless he posses a threat to them, they have the right to a relationship with him. If it were me I would ask my daughter what she wants to do and seek advice. At the end of the day it is better to bite the bullet and comply, rather than him seek legal advice and get to see them anyway, and the kids feel that you are the bad guy. I do hate the thought of my ex creeping back into her life, but it is up to my daughter. I have advised her never to go anywhere with him alone, meet him in public and stay in public 100% of the time, but it is her choice. Hope this helps x

Annie - posted on 06/23/2009

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My husband and I both deal with our exes. We have full custody of both his kids and my kids and receive no child support. Bottom line, if he wants to see the kids, let him. Honestly, we embrace the fact that the exes aren't a significant influence in our children's lives but we should never deny them the right to see their children. Don't play his game, just live your life and don't worry about it so much.

Linda - posted on 06/23/2009

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Child support is governed by a different department then visitation. I would suggest that if he asked to see them now after all this time then do it right and do it legal. Tell him to get his lawyer to call your lawyer and set up a mediation meeting to discuss possible visitation terms. And if your kids don't know him because he's had nothing to do with them for so long, make sure that at least at first the visits are supervised. This is usually done by someone from Family Services. Once a relationship is established and visitation is regular then the contract can be reviewed. Oh and right down everything, everytime he is late or calls with an excuse not to see them, even the good stuff. You want to have records in case things do go bad or he asks for more then you are wanting to give. Good luck and just remember that it is about the kids, not what went on between you and him.

Jess - posted on 06/23/2009

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Hi Devon... i am sorry you have to go through this. it is heartbreaking and exhausting to figure out what to do. i think you should do what you feel is right in your heart.



shelley obviously haves no idea how hard it is.... it only matters to a certain point if he is the biological father. kids safety and wellbeing should come before any asshole who donated sperm gets their kids.

being a mother of a 2 yr old boy i understand to a degree where you are coming from, my pregnancy was a result of sexual abuse and i left him as soon as i found out i was pregnant. only now has he started telling me he has rights and expects to be able to have my boy by himself. it is hard with the courts these days as they are all for equal parenting.... equal rights or not shelley not every man deserves to see his kids!!!!!!!



i'm 22 and i have a stepfather (since i was 1) who i love dearly. i met my real father when i was 16 and was greatly disappointed. he made it sound like rainbows and lollipops to know him and i moved in with him and saw the real him. he ended up abusing me like he did to my mother.

devon, you know what their b/f is like so you know what the best thing is to do.

i really hope it works out for you and your children!!!

Andrell - posted on 06/23/2009

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the girls are to young to make a decision, especially if he is not trying to see the kids. wait and see if he is going to be serious about seeing them. i have a 15yr old daughter and her dad gives her empty promises. dont come and see her when he suppose to. so, dont push the issue of him seeing them. i wish i didnt.

Nikki - posted on 06/23/2009

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Devon, I have to agree with the mothers that advise you that it's time that you think what is in the best interest of your children. I don't think that it is healthy for a child to have to experience abandonment or neglect from a parent.



I left my son's father when he was about 2 years old because of him cheating. Never once while my son was growing up did I speak bad about his Father since he wasn't in our life, nor try to keep my child from seeing his Father. Unfortunately, my son had to experience the the game playing, the NO CALLS/NO SHOWS, the feeling of abandonment from his Father and it hurt him. It hurts the kids and it hurts the mothers that have to look into your child's eyes and explain to them why Daddy act the way he do. Why daddy has the audacity to take care of somebody else's kids and show no love to his own. I don't know if your babydaddy has been paying child support, but it's a little different when the State makes them pay (garnishment) vs. the Father wanting to help with the financial upbringing of his child. My son is now 16 years old. His Father hasn't acknowledged him on Christmas, Birthdays, NOTHING. No gifts, no calls. The only time that we hear from his sorry a** is when the state has started garnishing that check, then he wants to call every now and then because he wants to feel as though he is doing his part. The moment he leaves that employer (which is often), the phone calls stop.

I know that I have been the better part of the parent my child's whole life. Even when I decided that his Father was just going to be a sorry a** person, I still encouraged my son to call him and check up on him. NOW, since I am sick and tired of his selfishness and my son is old enough to make is own decisions, I no longer make him call his Father. That will be his Daddy's loss. I can't expect for a child to want to be in someone's life if that person shows no interest. As I told my son's Father many years ago, there is nothing a mother can do to hurt a father, as a child can when they disown that parent.

Everyone's situation is a little different, but I hope you make the best decision for your children.

Mary Rebecca Bekki - posted on 06/23/2009

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What a difficult situation to be in. Let me just start off by saying that I am only giving my opinion as to what I would do. I assume that he is not an unfit father b/c they haven't taken rights from him. So that being said I think that you are lucky in the sense that he pays child support and you don't have to go to court all the time to remind him for it. Men think way differently than women do and I think that it would benefit you by talking with him on the phone and seeing what it is that he wants. Or let the whole court situation play out, and if he decides he wants to be a part of their life again give him that chance. It doesn't mean that he want blow all his chances again. But at least you can go on and know that you have not prevented him and will not be the reason they don't have a relationship. Let him take on that burden! And in the begining if it does work out where he wants to see the kids yes start off by being there with them. Go somewhere public so that the children feel comfortable and explain to him how the girls feel. That they are scared b/c they don't know who he is. Take baby steps. I think that if he wants a chance give it to him. That way you know that you have tried and he failed not you.

SHARON - posted on 06/23/2009

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my son will be 20 in July..His Dad was never in his life, I tried everything you could think of to include him (Birth, Birthdays, Graduation...) I always told him about any special event in my sons life. I also never said anything bad about his dad, until he was about 15/16, then all of a sudden his dad wanted him to come and visit (mind you we leave about 3,000 miles apart, so he would have to fly) my biggest concern was he going to send him back, he did. Then he started calling my son and asking him to come visit more, the move there. I raised my son by myself. I to had a boyfriend/husband that became his dad since my son was 2 years old. When his dad started asking for him to come visit more and trying to talk him into moving, I had to put my foot down and tell him the truth about his dad. I look at it as never say anything bad to the kids about there father as the kids will form there own opinion as they get older. I sent picture, card and so forth..so he can't say I didn't try to keep him involved in his life. I was his choice to not. I think he just waited until he could walk, talk and do other things on his own.. Now days we and my son have a good relationship with my ex, sons father as he is remarried and we even went to there wedding reception, ok'd by the new wife. I think kids don't really understand the grown up aspect of the whole situation and a good idea to not get them involved until they do. This is of course just my opinion. It worked for my family.

Margaret - posted on 06/23/2009

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being as it has been 4 years since they saw him they must all be over 4 years of age......speak to the kids speak to your partner.

it isnt all that difficult really to be mature enough that contact can occur...

my ex husband actually flies interstate 4 times a year and lives in our house for 5-7 days at a time to visit our kids...and my current partner lives here in the house with me....hasnt been an issue.

I actually am more confortable with him coming here than the children going there due to past abuse issues when they would go to his home and his brother was physically abusing them. so I can be an adult if it means my kids are safe

Jenni - posted on 06/23/2009

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well you have to put aside ur problems with him and give him a chance... obviously he's been immature in the past but as their father he deserves a second chance if he's serious about it... i know it's hard and you dont want to see ur kids hurt but they will be just as hurt when they grow up if they're not given at least an opportunity to know their father... either way it will be a tough situation for them... but if you stand in the way, they will blame you when they're old enuff to understand...

as far as him saying it's b/c of ur relationship with your bf i call BS on that... if he really wanted to be in their lives he would let nothing stop him from doing so... that's a total cop out...

i'm sure you can try for supervised visition, i'm pretty sure they would reward it to you considering his history of not being in their lives until then... but definitely, for the sake of ur kids, u'll have to give him a chance... when you do you'll need to do everything in ur power not to fight with him or make him feel bad about the past... at least wipe the slate clean this time... if you dont then he might say "screw it" again... and you want what's best for your children, to know their father... so for them, put past feelings in the past and give him one more chance for your kids... then if he screws up this time you'll know it wasn't b/c of anything you did... it's all on him... hope everything works out for you and your children

Kim - posted on 06/23/2009

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Well to Shelly Burton, i have to agree a bit harsh!! She is asking for advice, if you are going to be cruel, keep it to yourself.

Devon,

My suggestion, if he comes around wanting to see the kids, you let him with the understanding it will be supervised, if he argues, to go court and be sure to bring up the abuse and drugs and how much he HASN"T been around. But i would suggest you go get custody in writing for sure anyway. That way if he does try you have definate ground to stand on. It will be for your own sanity if nothing else. You don't want it hanging around whether or not he will show up and what exactly are his or your rights. Get it in writing. I like some other thathave commented, suggest you do let him see them, let them decide what they are feeling. Good Luck!

Lartees - posted on 06/23/2009

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Hello,

I will probabaly be having these concerns shortly,I'm not divorced yet but things are heading that way . I have been seperated from my husband for 1 year and 1 month and we don't have a formal child support agreement(we will establish that on July 7th). I really believe that a mans ability or inabibity to pay child support has no bearing on whether or not he should see his children. I have a 14 oops he's 15 today year old son who's dad has never paid a dime in child support and I never pursued it becuz my husband advised me not to, He comes around wheneva he likes which trustme isn't veru often and I have never blocked him from seeing him. My son is able to make his own decisions as to if he wants to see him or not. We have not seen him in 2 years and he called monday and said can i pick him up ? My son went with him so it just all depends on the kids. I feel like becuz my son had my husband since he was a year old that he doesn't feel like he has missed anything so any time he gets from his biological dad is a bonus. maybe your kids will feel the same way. just remember that there are some rulles that u must follow to make sure that the kids are okay. Never bad mouth the dad, it will onl backfire on you. Always explain when situations come up and things don't go as planned, that you tried and don't make excuses for the dad always tell the truth that tou are not sure what happened, and suggest that the child talk to the dad sbout the situation. this keeps you from being turned into the bad guy. Good luck with your girls and stay prayerfu;

Tonya - posted on 06/22/2009

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If there is a reason why you think it would be unsafe for the children to see him I'd say no but if there is no concern of safety, think about it. This could be the beginning of him actually wanting to be a father in their life. I can't say more than that not knowing the whole situation. I know it's late for him to be a father but if there is a chance it could be a good thing. Do what you know is best for the kids.

Heidi - posted on 06/22/2009

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So Devon, I have read many of the posts on here and weighed whether I should add or not, but is is put on my heart that I should share my story.



My oldest daughter is now 14, her father and I were only together for 3 months and he was absent during the pregnancy. Came to the hospital the day she was born with his parents. And during her first year of life saw her twice. I would call him and encourage him to see her and nothing. I went on with life and had two more children, fell in love, got married and throughout the past 14 years he has been a father when it was convenient for him.



There was a period when my daughter decided she would rather stay with us during her Christmas break then go to his house. We lived about 1200 miles from him at the time. When we moved back closer to where he was, he filed contempt of court charges against me and I was facing jail time. I tell you this not for you to fear jail. I tell you this because the reality of it was that although my daughter was growing up and voicing her own opinion and making her own choices he had been so absent that he didn't even notice that she was becoming a young woman.



I did not go to jail, thank God. He dropped the charges after my daughter wrote him a letter telling him that he was hurting her more than me. My point in telling you this is your daughter's will be disappointed if their expectations are too high. Protect them as you see fit. But do not fight this alone. You will need an attorney to represent you regardign the custody. Pray that your bitterness be removed from your heart as it will blind what is most important which is your babies.



I prayed every time my daughter left my home to go with her father because of the drug use and the fighting between him and his wife. God always returns her safely to me with a new view on what life should be. I am not proclaiming that my life is perfect because it is far from that, however there is unconditional love in my home and her thoughts and opinions are heard. You will have to be the shoulder your daughter's cry on when they are hurt. It is vitally important that you not speak badly of their father to or around them.



Although it may take time you have to trust that they will see him for who he is and they will adjust their expectations accordingly. Good luck and when you have no answers, Look Up! God has all the answers you need even before you ask the question.

Laquita - posted on 06/22/2009

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I think every child has the right to have some type of relationship with the father and the father likewise with the child. We have to put our bitterness to the side whatever it may be. The children are the main issue and there dad being envolved in their life is valuable. He may not have done what he needed to do in the past but he may be ready now to step up in the role he needs to be in. The four years that have past may have been best at the time that he not be in the kids life. A chance should be given and if proven not to own up to what you expect or the kids are unhappy. Then re-evaluate the sitiuation. Best of Luck to you and Best Wishes for the children.

Michelle - posted on 06/21/2009

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wow, there are some really crappy (as in tough and sad) situations here. my oldest daughters bf was pretty violent to me during our relationship, there was alot of cheating and drugs involved (on his part, naive old me had no idea back then...) but when i found out it was over.....i had just had my baby girl and it was one thing for me to put up with that but i wanted better for her. we did not hear from him for many years....then one day when my girl was about 9 or 10 i got a letter in the mail from him saying he wanted to see her and be a part of her life. i stewed for days over what to do....use it to light the fire with (literally...its cold in winter here!!) or let her know about it. i decided that it really wasn't my choice to make and truth be told, had forgiven him for what had taken place in the past otherwise i would not have been able to move on myself. anyway, he came around to our home and it was sooo awkward....he was way out of his league and all of us there knew it....she had a couple more meetings with him and then said to me a few weeks later that she didn't want to hurt his feelings but dad (my fantastic hubby) was the one who went to work and cared for us every day and she did not want to see her bf again. man, the relief......and largely because it was her choice in the end. i know as well as anyone what pigs some men can be....but when it comes to our babies, try and think with your head and not your hearts.....alot of kids are smarter than we think and can see right through whatever crap these donors may use to buy them over or however they choose to do it. all i ended up saying to my daughter was that of course he loves her as much as he can love anyone, but that people who take drugs the way he did couldn't even love themselves enough to stop and that was in no way a reflection on her. his most important job in this life was to take part in bringing her to me....there are ways to strengthen the bonds of motherhood that don't always have to involve bagging out their bf (even if the shitheads deserve it....)! i guess what i am trying to say is that some things are out of our control....try and bite your tongue (hard as it may be) and i'm sure you will find that if you let them make the decision for themselves....they will thank you for it, maybe not right now but down the track. by the way, if there are safety issues or anything like that, you be there....i did not for one second leave my daughter alone with him and i think if there has been dodgy stuff gone on in the past, no mum should...use your judgement and go with what you feel but unfortunately, when these sorts of situations crop up there is always someone we have to answer to and it usually ends up being our kids...please, just really think about what you do next and good luck...in a perfect world none of us would have to deal with crap like this....!!!

Dani - posted on 06/21/2009

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Devon,


I have to tell ya, my daughter is 6 & doesn't even know about her bf. When I got pregnant, I told him & he gave me this spill about having to grow up & never get time for his friends & suggested that I have an abortion. These past 6 years have been very rough for me. My ex only saw her when she was 2 months old. I took the iniative on everthing..trying to get him to be a part of our lives. His mother left him & his brother when they were 9 years old, so I could not believe that he would abandon his own. His brother, father, and grandmother tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't have anything to do with us. I even thought that after seeing her & holding her that he would just fall in love with her, but no. He contacted me when she was about 1 & 1/2 years old & said he wanted to get visitation rights,but I went off on him & told him how much he was going to pay back iin child support & the hospital & I never heard from him again. That shows me he would have been a dead beat. I met a guy when I was about 3-4 months pregnant with her & married him. Then he turns out to be an alcoholic & doing cocaine so I divorced him (she was about 2 & 1/2) b/c the only thing I could think about was losing her if the cop busts him. He was all she knew as a father & I think the problems we have now with her insecurity is b/c of that. She is always afraid of something happening to me. I have now remarried & she calls him dad & he wants to adopt her, but I am so afraid that her bf will find out or we will have to get him involved & I know that she would not be able to have unsupervised visits. She will not go with anybody that she doesn't know.





I don't know if my story will help with any of your decisions, in fact Linda said what I would say. She is absolutely right about documentation, and I was also going to suggest not telling your kids when he wants to see them. Her idea is great & I was going to say if he would go along with it, to tell them that he is just a friend that wanted to see you & the kids. Tell him that would be best for the kids until he shows that he will be there consistantly. My daughter's bf's brother was seeing her once a year until a couple of years ago & I always refered to him as one of my friends & he would bring her gifts. Her bf has never paid child support & I never wanted to sacrifice her for the money. But I also wanted to tell you that in our state, the bf relinquishes his rights if he doesn't have anything to do with them after so many years. I don't know exactly how many years, but I figured that was food for thought.





But good luck to you, I know you will make the right decisions b/c I know what a mother in this situation will go through for her girls!! :)

Melissa - posted on 06/20/2009

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It sounds like the father is feeling guilty and a little convicted of his lack of involvement in his children's life. Perhaps in the time since he has helped create these children, he has matured and is beginning to understand his mistakes. Do not hurt your kids further and do the right thing by giving him a chance to make things right. He may screw up in the process of making things right, but give him the opportunity. Hand the fella a little grace and mercy, perhaps it's the least you can do to help your kids begin to find healing in this area of their lives.

My mom did not do this for me when I was little and I can tell you the grudges I have had towards her over the years until she died 1/09 have dug deep gutters of pain and greif in my heart. I am trying to deal with the forgivness but it is very hard. I only wished my mom had handled it better. She could have been more gracious to my biological father and she would have been a much better person for it. Don't have regret later. Face it now. Before it's too late.

Michelle - posted on 06/18/2009

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Hi devon i feel so sorry for what is about to happen to your children.My x is still in my kids life but i wished he wasn't they are so mixed up and full of hate which comes from a man that shouldn't realy see his children without supervised visits but because the courts say that he can he instills all his hate and nastiness into the children.It's not the sperm that makes a father it is how you treat and raise them pity the courts didn't recognise this.

Deanna - posted on 06/18/2009

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I personally would start out with supervised visits with the kids. If he shows up for that for a certain period of time then I would switch to unsupervised visits with a time period then see what happens. I hope I helped.

Devon - posted on 06/18/2009

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thank you so much amanda i am glad to see that you feel the way i do. and i will do anything for my kids and to protect them. thank you :)

Devon - posted on 06/18/2009

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thank you amanda powell for your comment. i will definately think about what is best for my children and if i do give him another chance after so many other chances i will make sure that when he see's his kids that i am there and we are somewhere were i will not be alone with him. your question about when did it start. it was around when they were 6 months old, we had already broken up before that and he just never came around as much, hardly gave me money for diapers or wipes, when he was there, he rather of worked on his car then be with his kids. and then after that he never saw them even when they turned one year's old, he wasn't around. then he came around when they were around 2 about 4 times and that stopped again and he hasn't seen them since. but thank you for your post:)

Amanda - posted on 06/18/2009

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ok so i just read the post from 'shelly' that is beyond insane. They have a father in their lives who is her boyfriend. The man that walked away and no attempted to contact because he just didn't feel like upsetting things...that's no a man. A parent fights for their kids regardless. Now obviously their are two sides to every story but I'm going with what i've read. Those girls are not lacking in their lives, they don't even know the man that created them but they have a real dad, that's more important. When they get older and he comes with that lame excuse...i didn't want to mess things up...they will realize (women are smart) that its a cop out. If he does want to see them absolutey cya with court but you have to protect the mental and emotional help of your girls devon and that may mean limiting, supervising or restricting visits. Good luck girl.

Amanda - posted on 06/18/2009

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My bf chooses not to come and see our boys. He lives in the same area, he has a phone and friends that take him places but he still just doesn't come around. I thought about bugging him to come and see them, calling around if he doesn't answer but really its not worth it to me. My mom didn't have to say anything about my dad, I learned on my own - love him but I know the reality of how it was when I was little. Now I don't push the issue with their dad because I don't think a man forced to be a dad is effective and it shows them his priorities. At this points its been about 3 months but even now I'm guarded as to what I'd say if he calls. I think that you have to think about why he didn't come around to begin with, how did it start? I suppose if you saw him and he asked do like another person suggested. Explain to them their birth father wants to see them - from what i can tell your boyfriend is their dad (huge difference in being a birth father and a real dad) - tell them it may be this one time or it may be more that you're just not sure. If they want to see him then ok but be there for the visit. Also make sure to keep you bf included since he's the one that's been filling that void.

Another train of thought that someone gave me was...if they don't know something is missing that what's the issue...to each its own. Give it some serious thought and prayer and do what is in the best interest of your girls.

Linda - posted on 06/18/2009

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Devon, First, ignore those who attack you on here. They aren't in your shoes.

Second, go to court for your child support, and IF visitation comes up, talk about it, get a mediator involved, get a psychologist for your children involved. And from now on DOCUMENT any/every contact you get FROM him. Don't contact him for anything. Date, time, details. Have proof for the court that he has not had any interest prior to this. I can't say it enough, document, document, document!! IF he is awarded any visitation, make all the visits in a public place, like a park, don't tell your girls, and if he doesn't show up, document it. At the same time, your girls didn't know that he didn't show up, so they won't be hurt and confused. All they will think about is that they had a trip to the park with Mommy. Believe me, I have seen MANY different situations. I am a foster parent and deal with dead beats, both dads and moms. Right now, I have a 10 month old whose mom is in jail, and dad shows up for his once a week, 2 hour, play date. He never brings A THING, he usually is dirty, he never asks for more time, and on occasion has asked for less. He has provided nothing for his child. Buckle down, prepare to protect your children and do what is best for THEM. Good Luck!

Tanya - posted on 06/18/2009

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I understand what you are going threw my daughters father hasnt seen her in over a year. If your kids are old enough I would ask them what they want to do.. and go from there

Devon - posted on 06/18/2009

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for lisa weatherly-king on your post to me about my written line that i used about the phone incident, yea, he said because he can't see them and he meant that i wouldn't allow him to take his kids for a couple hours by himself or overnight because he know's nothing about them and i don't know what he is capable of. and trust me if any of these women on here would meet my ex, they would all see what a terrible person and father he is. the one reason i started this was to get feed back to see what other mother's would say and because i feel that not all children should see there Bf's when they don't want to put in an effort to see there own children, sometimes it's best if children don't ever see there bf's exspecially if they had a father figure in there life more then there own father just like my kids have. thank you for the posts :)

Pam - posted on 06/18/2009

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Bottom line the father of your children has a right to see his kids--however, if he doesn't show up or decides not to then enough is enough and he blew his chance. As far as the child support issue you have a right to support for your kids. Just beware that if you make more money yourself you may not get more or it could even be less--rare but it happens. Good luck.

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