Discipline

Lysette - posted on 11/09/2010 ( 198 moms have responded )

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my daughter is 11 months old and has got a habit of pinching mine and her fathers arms with her hand or pulling our hair really hard. she knows she's doing it but we dont know how to get her to stop, we smack her hand lightly and say no in a serious tone but she keeps doing it after we do that i dont know what else to do. we're first time parents and havent been around other children before please give some help as to what we can do

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Dr Rosina - posted on 11/11/2010

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My Cameron used to pull my hair and I tried explaining it hurt etc. One day it came to me that he doesn't understand how it feels. So I said I'm going to pull your hair now so you know how it feels so you understand that it hurts when you pull other people's hair. Well he cried for a bit and had a shocked look on his face BUT...he got it! He hasn't pulled my hair since. Just an idea...

Emily - posted on 11/09/2010

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Smacking her is not going to give you the result you want. It's confusing for a child that age, because they do not connect the smack with her pinching or hair-pulling. All she knows is "Mommy smacked me." (Not to mention the fact that smacking your kids is just mean, in my opinion).

At that age the best discipline tool you can use is redirection. She pinches you, you put her down. She pulls your hair, you put her down. Give her something else to occupy her. She will eventually get the idea that if she hurts you, she will not get your attention. Keep in mind also that at that age you may have to redirect many times in order for her to get it.

Kate CP - posted on 11/11/2010

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OR...when the baby is pulling her hair or pinching her she could PUT THE BABY DOWN! Why inflict pain on a child when just removing yourself from the equation works BETTER *and* won't hurt them?!

Lord have mercy. If a kid bites/pinches/hits/pulls hair just PUT THE KID DOWN.

Faith - posted on 11/11/2010

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With both of my girl's, if you swatted their hand or anything like that, they would think it was ok, and they'd end up doing it right back. It was terrible because it was just one more mean, awful, habit to break them of. In the past year and a half, I've kept in close contact with a parent aid, who taught me 1-2-3 magic. When a child is acting up, firmly scold them, but when they continue, start the count. When you get to 3, you put them in a corner for a time-out (1 minute per 1 year of age according to her). But, violence cannot be tolerated, even by a child, so there should be an instant time-out(no toy's, conversation, or physical contact.This will distract your child from the punishment, and it won't be as effective). I realize all parent's have different parenting technique's, and what may work for one family may not work for another, but the parent aid swore by it, and it's been extremely effective for us now that it's routine. We're at the point now where all we have to do is say 1, and they stop the bad behavior. I hope this help's. It isn't an immediate fix, but it should help.

NATALIE - posted on 11/09/2010

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I HAVE A THAT FRIEND WENT THROUGH THAT WITH HER DAUGHTER & SHE SPOKE HER PEDS & OTHER PARENTS WHO HAS SAME ISSUE WITH THEIR CHILD. WHAT THE PEDS & OTHERS TOLD HER TO DO WAS TO SCOLD CHILD FIRMLY & PUT CHILD IN CRIB OR PLAYPEN LIKE A TIME OUT TYPE THING! LIKE PEDS SAY BABIES ARE SMARTER THAN WE THINK!! SHE KNOWS THAT EVERYTIME SHE DOES THAT SHE GETS A REACTION SO SHE CONTINUES; IF YOU DO WHAT MY FRIEND DID IT SHOULD WORK:) SHE'LL THEN KNOW IF I DO "THIS TO MOMMY OR DADDY THEN THEY WILL PUT MY "AWAY" & SHE STOP. OH, & FYI WHEN SHE GETS OLDER IF YOU NEED TO SPANK HER IN THE REAR "IT'S NO MEAN & DISCIPLINE YOU ARE NOT GOING TO ABUSE HER. MANY PEOPLE THAT DON'T CORRECT THEIR CHILD ONE WAY OR ANOTHER END UP THE TERRORS AS CHILDREN AS THEY GET OLDER!! SOMETIMES WORDS DON'T ALWAYS WORK!! IT'S A PROVEN/KNOWN FACT!

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Allison - posted on 11/16/2010

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this sounds cruel, but pinch her back. She will stop.
My daughter went thru a phase when she was 2 or 3 where she was biting other kids. I finally bit her, and she stopped.
good luck.

Bernica - posted on 11/16/2010

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That is not entirely true, cause when they go to school and learn that from someone else, they will quickly pick it up and start learning themselves, or maybe they will watch t.v. and they could pick it up from there too, it's not just the parents fault.

Gwendolyn - posted on 11/16/2010

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Maybe it is time to show her what it feels like. These children today are very smart. Explain to her that it hurts you and it does not feel good. Then if she doesn't stop show her how it feels.

Peggy - posted on 11/16/2010

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After she pinches, hold her hand that she pinched you with and tell her "no" in a stern voice. It may take several times before you see a difference. If you were holding her at the time, and its a safe area, immediately put her down after telling her no.

Brittiany - posted on 11/16/2010

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some ppl may not like this.. but i say pinch her back.. my daughter attempted bitting me around that age and i bit her back.. not hard but hard enough to let her kno that it hurts.. & after i did it i told her that it hurts mommy and she need not do it.. shes 2 1/2 now and has never bit me since.. we jus had a son and i intend on using the same tactic :)

Jenessa - posted on 11/16/2010

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My son's 3 now and I remember his pinching and hitting phase. This was my first child and I began time out at 1, I would make him sit in a chair, on the couch, or in a specific spot for 60 seconds of course telling him why he was there and after 60 seconds was up making sure he said sorry. It helped tremendously once he got the concept of timeout and that he was going to stay there for 60 seconds.

Melanie - posted on 11/16/2010

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My opinion on this...anytime we are pushed to raise our hand and tap, spank, hit.....WE need a time out to calm down & regroup. Why is it so hard for us to think that adults need a break too. When your pushed to the point where you are this frustrated, I don't think acting on much of anything is a good idea. Stop, take a breathe and think about actions.

Cynde - posted on 11/16/2010

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i watched a TV talk show a year ago on this subject..parent A.. NEVER spanked their child...where parent B did when needed..and wasnt abuse...it was kinda funny ..PARENT B said" i can see our children in afew years..breaking the law ,your son will say its NO big deal alll that will happen to me is that i get TIME OUT..where MY son will say ...Iam NOT going to do that ,my son will beat my A$$....good point..disipline is needed at the right time...and done correctly..IAM AGAINST CHILD ABUSE IN EVERY WAY!

Leesha - posted on 11/16/2010

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try explainning to her that it hurts or use a time out still young and they grow out of this all kids do it my kids it was them biting each other which looked bad when 1 would go back to her dads... but if u get on top of it now the better the outcome

Melanie - posted on 11/16/2010

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redirect, redirect, redirect.....or just ignore. My little Mirabella does it & she probably doesn't know it. No sweat the small stuff. I agree with the other ladies below it's too young for a time out or def. a spanking in my opnion.

Rachel - posted on 11/16/2010

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RE: Spanking. Spanking is not abuse. I am one of four kids, and all of us were spanked. We are all fine, well-adjusted adults. As for lowering our IQ (which actually does not measure intelligence accurately), my brother was spanked the most, and he ended up being the most intelligent of us all. He's now one of the top gastroenterologists in the state. I'm not saying that spanking is the only mode in this situation. Try different things until you find something that really gets to her. Then be consistant---that's the key.

Jeanne - posted on 11/16/2010

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At this age it is more difficult because they don't understand cause and effect. A firm no and if you see her raising her arm to do it again you repeat no once again,,,,and you keep on doing it. When she pulls the hair or pinches you can also include "that is giving mommy (or daddy) boo boo's or owies or whatever term you use when she bumps herself. If this doesn't work you can also try saying no and putting her in either her playpen or her crib and leaving her there for about 30 seconds...longer than that she won't understand. Keep on doing this.....it might take time but she will get it. Not to mention, she is pinching and pulling hair to see the reaction and to feel things....she is exploring and developping. This phase will pass (although a little bit of pain involved) and something else will come on. A key thing is to keep it consistent. Even if it is a gentle tug of the hair you have to keep saying no. Good luck.

Kristal - posted on 11/16/2010

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all i can tell you Lysette, it is a stage that they go through. A little smack helps and eventually she would learn not to do it. (Although she knows fully well that it is wrong) I call it test parents limits, what will they do if i do this....lol.... i went through it for a LONG time

Tina - posted on 11/16/2010

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well i have been dealing with the same thing my son is 20months and he thinks its funny to do it the only thing i will say is keep up with saying no and giving a stern tone so she will know u mean business eventually she will get the point that it is not nice to pull hair or pinch i have long hair so for now i wear my hair tied up so my son cant pull it some people say pull their hair or pinch them back but still even that shows that its a game and they dont understand what is right or wrong i hope i help at least some what

Jan - posted on 11/16/2010

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Don't worry, most kiddies do things like that when they begin to explore things. do what you are doing, just be firm and she will get the message in time. Don't make it a game though as she may think it is at the moment. Say NO very firmly point your finger at her. Don't smack. That teaches violence and send another message. She will stop that behaviour soon enough. Another trick is giving her a squishy ball to play with touch and pinch. LOL

Maxine - posted on 11/16/2010

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When my daughter use to pull on my earrings and pinch, but I started doing to her what she did to me, she pinched me I pinched her she pull earrings I pulled her ear, very soon she got the idea and it stopped. You have to make her understand why you don't like it and why if she feels it she will understand don't play around make sure she feels it!

Marybeth - posted on 11/16/2010

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It doesn't sound nice but pull her hair. Not so hard enough for her hair to fall out though lol.

Cory - posted on 11/16/2010

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First-Time Mom
"Now, what do I do?" Dr. Leman will help show you what it takes to care for your new baby for the first time. …
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I refuse to get into the spank/ never spank debate. We have 5 children and this is the best author/ speaker we have ever listened to. He has raised 5 children and now has grandkids. Don't feel pressured by others, just research what's best for your family. This is all new to you two... keep an open mind and just try. Nothing works the same for every child either... Our second born loved time outs- our third thought she was gonna die if she had to stand in a corner alone. You have to find what works for yours and be consistent :)

Vanessa - posted on 11/16/2010

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each child is different but do what works. A child must know that what ever you do is going to be consistance. If you say no one time and dont the next time it will confuse the child. But I do believe that putting the child down and firmly say no is the best thing.

Laura - posted on 11/16/2010

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My son went through that stage also; a really bad episode at Olive Garden one time is what I remember the most. We started putting lemon juice on his tongue when he pinched and then again when he used "potty mouth" talk. This worked for him. My sister-in-law just pinched the child back which works for some children also (don't pinch too hard on their soft skin). I think the key is finding something they really dislike (i.e. lemon juice, pepper, small discomforts very quickly, etc.) and her mind may start to make the connection, "If I pinch one of them then I get that awful tasting stuff!" She's still a baby so it can't be too spicy, sour, or harsh. Good luck!

Hazel - posted on 11/16/2010

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I must admit, for older children (that is, over five yrs old), counting works! I don't think I've ever had to get to 10.

Cindy - posted on 11/16/2010

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this may seem cruel but i did it with my two children and had to do it with my grandchild just the other day, i have longer hair than her mother and it seems to facinate her, she grabbed a handful of it the other day and pulled really hard, i said no and removed her hand but she immediately did it again so i pulled her hair (not hard but hard enough that she felt uncomfortable) then i explained that it hurts grandma to pull her hair, she stopped doing it. she is 16 months old. I know they understand our words at a very early age even though they cant talk yet but sometimes showing them how it feels (gently) is a better deterant.

Jennifer - posted on 11/16/2010

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when my daughter was 11 months she never did that, but now she's 2 yrs old i just set her in the chair for time out if shes being bad

Jaimee - posted on 11/16/2010

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I would explain to her that what she is doing hurts mommy and daddy. That would, to this day, send my toddler into hysterics.

Kate CP - posted on 11/15/2010

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Lysette: Glad to hear things are going better now. I had to wade through pages and pages of posts to find your update.

Anyway...this whole thread has given me a headache.

Kimberly - posted on 11/15/2010

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Put her down for sure and tell her No in a firm voice but I would also try taking her hand and gently touching your face/hair and telling her "gently" she is still very young but if you just keep showing her whats nice and whats not nice she will get it...welcome to parenthood.

Tara - posted on 11/15/2010

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you've gotten quite a response......
my daughter is 19 months. she generally does not do things that hurt me or anyone else, but if she does, i tell her she has hurt me or that other person. my expression is not angry but sad. she changes her tone immediately, because she doesn't want to hurt me, or someone else.
i think the best thing to do is, show her what she is doing wrong, every time she does it. through constant repetition, she'll get it. be patient, take a breath and count to 10.

Vanessa - posted on 11/15/2010

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When you hit/smack/tap your child, you are role modelling to them that hitting is okay! Wouldn't it be better to ignore the behaviour you want to avoid.

Sharon - posted on 11/15/2010

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Keep up the discipline she will understand don't give in, you have many more battles ahead...you can shape her will without breaking her spirit.

Krista - posted on 11/15/2010

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Honestly...pinch her back. It is the ONLY way I got my son to stop pinching when he hit that phase and it is the only way I got him to stop biting when he hit that phase. Tapping her hand seems like a good idea, but it still doesn't tell her what you are feeling when she pinches you. When she cries when you pinch her; and she will, make sure to give her lots of cuddles and love and explain that that is what pinching feels like. It only took once for my son.
Good Luck!

Amanda - posted on 11/15/2010

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Hey Lysette, I hope it all still good with you and your little one.Can you believe how long your post has lasted? Mad eh..Anyway jus checkin in on ya :)

Sharon - posted on 11/15/2010

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My children are grown. If she pulls your hair, gently pull hers back, just enough to let her know, hey that hurts. Same with pinching and biting.

Kerry - posted on 11/15/2010

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Mokey see Monkey do, you slap, they slap, you smack, they smack, you yell they yell,

childern are funny and at the same time they are smart but there is always a reason for what they do even if we cant see what that reason is. a child might steal a piece of fruit from another child, in his eyes he/she thinks its a way of saying i would like a piece of fruit, instead of telling him/her off, you should explain to them taking some one elses fruit isnt the wat about getting some, if a child cant ask you for help, food, toys or attention there is a sure sign they dont feel as though they can ask you. i dont call it disciplin or punishment but, time you still down with your child and work out why they are doing these things and what you can do to prevent it from happening. one of the boys at the boarding house broke my vase from playing football inside and hid it from me thinking i would be cross with him but the 5 words i said where a huge impact "i am very disappointed in you " those words hung in his head for days until he came to me and said are you still disappointed in me miss, i said yes, you know footy isnt allowed inside but yet you did it, he replyed i will prove to you miss that i wont do it again if you will stop being dissappointed in me.

i am happy to say he has never done it again. taking toys or yelling or smaking are just ways they will copy when they get cross try finding a distraction, or a new way about things. try a new distraction for your daughter or something she can play with whilst in your arms so she doesnt pinch you.

i have completed my Grat. Diploma in psychology and currently doing my major in child psychology its very full on but has opened my mind alot to the way children see, do, and think. hope this was helpful Lynsette.

Anneke - posted on 11/14/2010

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Hi. I wish i could give you an answer to that question. My little boy is also like that. He started slapping us in the face and pulling our hair. He dont listen when we talk. His dad usually do the serious talk because he usually listens but now he just keep on doing what he wants. He is now 22 months. How can i make sure if he is hyper active

Diane - posted on 11/14/2010

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Unfortuneately, there's no magic cure, just saying no in a firm tone and time outs are about the best you can do and when she realizes that it's not fun anymore that is when it will begin to make a difference. Good luck.

Susan - posted on 11/14/2010

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Stephanie, Thanks for your message as I also believe that children behave as they've been treated. I think many of us parent as we've been parented and that isn't always the best way. Understanding the child and where they are developmentally is essential to the most helpful and encouraging interventions. I also don't want my child to be afraid of me. I remember fearing my father and, believe me, I behaved out of fear, not out of love and encouragement. We have to work at breaking these patterns - it doesn't come from "shooting from the hip".

Carmel - posted on 11/14/2010

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Stefanie, that is exactly what I was trying to put across and I got shot down big time by some.

Stefanie - posted on 11/14/2010

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A child this age does not know they are "misbehaving". You have possibly made it into a game. They are learning and testing cause and effect at this age. They drop a spoon, you pick it up, they do it again to see if the same reaction will happen every time. It's really that simple.

I ignore the "misbehavior" when my children go through this phase. Sometimes I make it a game on purpose and smile and laugh and act shocked when they pull my hair and we both laugh. Then when the game is over and they try it again I gently remove their hand and say, "Okay now, game's over." If they do it again I put them down or get up where they are physically unable to reach my hair. They cry and I go get some other toy and redirect their attention.

These phases don't last long. Wait until 18-24 months when they start the "slap mommy in the face when she picks me up to leave a store and I don't want to" phase. That's a fun one that's taught me how to take a hit. LOL!

After 3 children I can guarantee you that this is simply your baby learning and testing cause and effect and it doesn't matter what "discipline" you use it will not shorten the duration or stop the behavior until the lesson is learned. It is *necessary* for every child to go through this phase. It's part of the learning process. Now you must decide, what do you want them to learn? Hurting them back, whether by spanking, slapping or pulling their hair, will not let them learn the world like they should at this age. It only teaches them violent reactions to unpleasant situations. I firmly feel that this is a very harmful choice to make. We do not spank, scold, slap, push, yell, etc. at any of our children and they are extremely well behaved. They will act out what is modeled to them. If you model yelling, they will yell at you. If you disrespect them, they will disrespect you. And even if they learn not to be aggressive toward you b/c they know you out power them and can hit harder, that fear will only last as long as they remain afraid of you. That is not true discipline. Personally, I want my children to behave and do what's right b/c they have the drive to and b/c they believe it's right. Not because they fear me, a punishment or some other form of suffering. If it's not done of their own free will and with a mind of understanding, it's useless as a learning tool.

Keep these things in mind (of course it's only my opinion), and you can't go wrong as a parent. Even if you do nothing else. Even if you NEVER discipline your child. If you treat them with respect and model how you want them to act, they will still be better behaved than the average child, imo.

Kristin - posted on 11/14/2010

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I can't say that I agree with Emily on this. My son was 11 months old the first time I smacked his hand. I specifically told him not to do something and he looked at me and did it anyway. He knew he was disobeying me and I believe he understood that the smack on his had that immediately followed was related to his action.

I believe they will relate the smack on the hand to the action the same way they relate the redirection to the action. I would encourage you to smack her hand and say something like, "We don't pull people's hair." I certainly think more than a smack on the hand for this type of offense would be overdoing it, but sometimes a light smack on the hand is a way to get their attention and give them a small idea of the pain their actions cause you.

MARTA - posted on 11/14/2010

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Personally, when mine did that, I would pull their hair. They learned that it hurt and they didn't repeat it. My brother bit my sister once and my mom bit him back. He learned it hurt, and also never did it again. Many would say that isn't the right way, but in both cases, we got the results we wanted. Neither was repeated again... ♥

Susan - posted on 11/14/2010

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Has anyone read Lysette's (the Mom who originally asked the question) post from about 9 hours ago? Apparently she had some success when she "ignored her baby's behavior and baby saw it didn't get a reaction out of Mom." She said she plans to use this behavior for now as it seems to work! Congratulations!

LaTasha - posted on 11/14/2010

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No need to apologize Amanda. I am a person of peace and understanding. Sometimes, things rub us the wrong way. In life, our reaction matters most and you did well:-)

Tina - posted on 11/14/2010

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This is a typical behavior at this point. Reasure her that pinching hurts and make sure you say "ouch that hurts" ,just keep of this and it will eventually stop. The same way when the child bites too. Say " you may not bite people but you can bite this" and offer the child something the is ok to bite.

Safia - posted on 11/14/2010

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my son is 15 month old and has the same habit. but time make it change and offcourse u must say no seriously or u can divert his / her mind by singing song or dancing. nw my son is doing it smtimes only and nw he got one more bad habit, he smack on our faces badly :(... So I hope it would b change very soon. I think every child do this type of activities at this age. so dont worry everything will b alright.

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