Do fathers have a right to decide who attends the birth?

Igig - posted on 12/26/2011

The only way to have a good marriage is to listen & share. If someone is uncomfortable with a person being present I think their viewpoint should be respected, out of mutual love & respect. I think you should both have the right to 'nix' someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. And the woman for sure needs the right to say, I'm sorry, but this person can't come in ... sometimes I think it's best only the husband and wife are present to bond, but everyone thinks differently ... talk it out in love and listen to each other in love and seek a healthy conclusion to the difference

Daphny - posted on 12/26/2011

I'm pretty sure the focus should be on the mother-to-be, thus she makes the call of who can and cannot be present in the birthing unit.

Belinda - posted on 12/26/2011

I asked my mum for bub 1 so we had extra hands for snacks dns thing. We didn't know how long it would take! Bub 2 was just us. Really the talk should be had about who matters most. Ie the of you.
But do you think an unwanted person would stay in the birthing suite? It would feel weird dnd stained for then, surely. But this is a life long relationship with the baby and family. So be kind. Good luck

Cheri - posted on 12/26/2011

And Centain, I apologize if that came across as an insult to you or your partner. It wasn't meant that way at all. Even those with the highest of educations are lacking education in certain areas. Many people do not understand how difficult pregnancy can be. The changes in hormones, and everything else is not easy on any woman. How can anyone say it's equal? I really don't know. As far as the power struggle comment above...Life is full of power struggles and sometimes you do have to challenge your partner as a mother if they can't support a decision you know is best for your baby. Hopefully he'll come around and realize this so you can enjoy the birth to the fullest. Good Luck, and take care!

Cheri - posted on 12/26/2011

And to comment on Brookes reply...It is my opinion that putting a pregnant woman's emotional and physical needs first is really important. If one has the healthy relationship that you speak of, one would hope the decision would be easy. For whatever the reason, lack of education or power struggles....this has become an issue for some individuals who are seeking advice in this column. As a registered Nurse, and mother who lost a pregnancy at 5 months, I can tell you that I strongly believe the mother comes first. She carries the child and has a responsibility to protect her health...that being said, the father should support her decisions if he cares about her well-being/pregnancy.

Cheri - posted on 12/26/2011

I agree that its not about a "father's rights" It's about what is right and comfortable for the mother who is giving birth. Stress can be lethal to a pregnancy and dad needs to support his wife and whatever necessary to promote a healthy stress-free environment for the pregnancy/delivery.

Pamela - posted on 12/26/2011

When it comes to who attends the birth, in my opinion, THE WOMAN has the right since it is her body being exposed to whomever attends. Simple, fact!!!

Ailsa - posted on 12/26/2011

my daughter is due next year and told her if her partner didnt want to come in with her I would and he was fine with that I know one daughters partner whene he went in came out as white as a sheet thrrew up everywhere adn said where was I had to laugh they know what we go through now to have our beautiful children cant wait for my 5th grandchild..

Jessika - posted on 12/26/2011

suggestions...sounds appropraite. but who is full in charge? the mother that is in the labor. its her day...she is the one who will be in alot of pain. who knows, she dont want to see his mother or his sister... personally i think it should be a day where she wants special people that knows her the best to support such as, her mom, her sister and him...if she has close relationship with his mom or sister...id understand. The mom that is in the labor has the FINAL say!

Jessica - posted on 12/26/2011

At my second child's birth DH begged me to have his mom in the birth room and 3 years later I still regret it. It was a horrible experience, It's ultimately up to the mom and what she is comfortable with.

Donna - posted on 12/26/2011

I believe that both parties have a right to their opinion. But bottom line is... it is up to the woman and who makes her feel the most comfortable. At the most painful and vulnerable time in her life.

Melody - posted on 12/26/2011

This reminded me of my husband enthusiastically asking if he could bring a camera to record the birth of our daughter. I said sure; but only if I could take pictures of his naked butt to show everyone at MY office, too. He saw my concerns from a new point of view! Dads are usually feeling like the odd man out, so listen carefully to his requests and see if you can work out a mutually agreed upon compromise.

Ailsa - posted on 12/26/2011

yes he should they are both in this together and its both decisions to make if she wants him to make the decision its their decision not anyone elses

Brooke - posted on 12/26/2011

I really don't understand what is going on with the power struggles in relationships. You are supposed to marry a PARTNER, not a rival. It is a decision for the BOTH of you to make. Marriage takes compromise and respect for each other. yes, it is the Mothers body. That said, it is still the most important event for the father as well! Work together and find a compromise that both of you can live with. Remember that this is the man you chose to share your life with. This is the father of your child. In our quest for equal rights, please remember that we don't want to turn our husbands into the second class member of the relationship.

Darlene - posted on 12/26/2011

He had no right keeping you from her birthing it is your right to be there your her mother. In laws are not the same. they can wait in the waiting room. you should be alowed in the room with her.

Penny - posted on 12/26/2011

My 17 year old son on law kept me from the birth of my first grandsons birth against my dtrs wishes. It is not something you can take back. When a man makes decisions for a woman, especially when she is young and vulnerable, it is the beginning of the end.

Darlene - posted on 12/26/2011

They can be in the waiting room, but not in the birthing room with you if it makes you uncomfortable.

Jocelyn - posted on 12/26/2011

Mom needs to do whatever is going to make her most comfortable. For the health of the baby and Mom - Mom needs to be as comfortable and relaxed as she can be. She has final say - end of story and anyone who wants to push someone else into that situation (against Mom's wishes) is NOT thinking about what's best health-wise for the situation.

Julianne - posted on 12/26/2011

I don't believe it is his decision at all, as of the birth, it is still YOUR body, he can invite people to visit the baby, but the birthing experience is all ours... And you can tell the hospital or wherever you are delivering, who you do and do not want in the room. The important thing is that you are comfortable and feel secure, it is completely up to you and if you want someone he does not like, then he does not have to be there either. I let my husband's family know from the get go that they were not welcome at the hospital until after the baby was born. This is a very personal and vulnerable how comfortable you feel can affect the outcome of the whole process, you are in total control of who is present from the nurse to family/friends. Don't forget that!

Kellyann - posted on 12/26/2011

Your decision it's up to you who sees your bits I think :))

Bernadette - posted on 12/26/2011

The baby may belong to both of you, but I don't think that this is necessarily one decision that should be made by both of you. I ended up having both of my babies via c section, but there is no way I would want my mother-in-law in with me while I've got no pants on, trying to push a baby out of my vagina... This is one decision that is YOURS to make. That said, if you want someone else there and he really doesn't feel comfortable with that person being there then I do think that should be respected too. It is his baby, not your sister's or mother's or whomever else you may wish to invite in and he shouldn't have to share the moment of his child's entry into the world with other people. It might detract from the experience of him meeting his child for the first time, when there is someone else there vying to see the baby as well. If he's fine with it, then great. But I don't think he can invite other people in to the actual birthing suite without your say-so. Tell him he can invite them up to the hospital, where they can wait right outside the door so that they can hear the news as soon as it happens, come in as soon as you are comfortable for them to, etc. But NOT when you are at one of your most vulnerable times, half naked and trying to give birth to your baby. It's already impossible to try to remain dignified when giving birth, and there are some sides of you your mother- and sister-in-law just don't need to see!

Tasha - posted on 12/26/2011

Well its should be talked between both partners who is in the delivery room. but the doctor will kick someone out of the room if they are makin the patient uneasy.

Dawn - posted on 12/26/2011

NO! It's your body & your very personal space will be out there for the world to see IF that's what you choose. It should be your choice who attends & who you are comfortable with, OR you will be under stress of who is seeing what & unable to relax & concentrate on your job of delivering your healthy baby. I'm sorry but at the time of delivering a baby, it's ALL about YOU & who YOU are comfortable with. You NEED the oportunity to be naked if thats how you're comfortable at the time.

Jen - posted on 12/26/2011

Birth is not a spectator sport. I believe the only people in the birthing room should be there in a support for the woman. I agree that he could make suggestions but - and a close mamma in his life might support him so that he is better able to support you.

Daina - posted on 12/26/2011

i think yall should make some kind of decision on that.

Amy - posted on 12/26/2011

The mother is the one giving birth and has a right to privacy if she wants it - so I don't think anyone else, even the father has a right to say otherwise. After all isn't the father (and anyone else) there to support the mother? So they need to respect her wishes.

Grace - posted on 12/26/2011

It is a scientific fact that labors are harder when the mother is not comfortable with those in the room. You have to decide who will provide you with the best support, and have them there. If your sister will provide you with good support, your husband needs to respect that. On the other hand, if there is tension between your husband and you because of your sister, you may also not labor as well. Your nurse will not be able to fix your social situation, but she will support you in keeping only those people you need most in the room

Gabriele - posted on 12/25/2011

He can say who he wants, that doesn't mean the wife had to let them in ;0). My daughter wanted both mother and mother in law, the two sisters and her Grandma. But no men she didn't want her private parts to be exposed to the world. Her father in law who had been told NOT to come in snuck in while the baby was being born, which did not make her very happy and we thought was very disrespectful to my daughter's modesty and privacy. With her second pregnancy she made it clear she wanted no one in there until the baby actually crowned, just she and her husband. While in heavy labor he allowed his parents to slip in yet again, while I waited patiently with our Grand daughter in the lobby. I was very angry that once again they disrespected my daughters wishes. However, they had no idea how tough she was and even though dilated to 7 and fully effaced, she sat up and kicked them out. (You go girl)

Heather - posted on 12/25/2011

Who is or is not at the birth is up to you not your partner..... if you don't want him there he doesn't have to be there ether. If you tell your nurse that you don't want someone in there they will keep that person out and only let in whoever you want! The birth is all about what your comfortable with, not what your partner is comfortable with. You are the one having the baby and when its his turn to carry a baby for 40 weeks and give birth to the baby he can make all the decisions he wants!

Di - posted on 12/25/2011

The only people I wanted in the room with me were my husband & the midwife. I needed to concentrate on myself & my baby- not worry about anyone else. I even restricted visitors as I had difficulties feeding and getting some rest. You need to make choices based on your needs (and the needs of your baby) and anyone else needs to get over it! Make your decision and don't feel guilty- there will plenty of that to come!

Jennifer - posted on 12/25/2011

From experience, when your at the hospital to have your baby, there is a point when the RN asks everyone to leave to ask you questions... One of the questions is "Who do you want in the room while you're delivering?" Therefore, I think its completely the woman's decision. She is the one being exposed and undergoing stress and such.. worrying about who your spouse wants in the room shouldn't be one of hose worries. I suggest explaining how you personally feel about it beforehand. And he shouldn't feel uncomfortable with who comes in while you're delivering.. like I said before, you're the one being exposed and actually going through the process..

Sandra - posted on 12/25/2011

Hmm..would he want people watching him get a vasectomy or a colon exam? This wont be popular, but after my first childbirth, I felt like I was on display for his amusement, and he didnt offer any support ( but did take some rather graffic pics!, I didnt want him in the room for my next birth. He got so pissy he said if he couldnt be in the room, then no one else could....and so it was. But even though I told the nurses not to let him in until I gave them permission...they still let him in while I was in a less then presentable position...getting stitches. Ok, maybe not an answer to your question..but really, it should be our choice.

K-LA - posted on 12/25/2011

It is ultimately the mother who should decide. You are the one that has to be comfortable, not him. Everyone else can wait in the waiting room. Have who you want in there to make your delivery easier. If he doesn't like your decision tell him to build a bridge and get over it. Lol.

Bett - posted on 12/25/2011

Most definitely, the final decision must be the mothers. Listen to his suggestions but do what is comfortable. If he doesn't understand and becomes angry over it, tell him you will be willing to allow (his mother) to view your vagina after he allows your mother to see his penis.

Natasia - posted on 12/25/2011

hear what he has to say and then make the decision yourself cuz it is you female parts being exposed not his and you have to deal with the pain and stress and everything

Traci - posted on 12/25/2011

Wow just have to say that it should be a mutual decision. I understand if you don't want someone in the room because it would make you feel uncomfortable. But you should discuss it with your significant other and ask why he feels it is important to have that person there. The same as if you want someone in the room you should be able to explain why it's important to you.. And "because I'm the one that's pregnant" is not a valid excuse. It's his baby too and it's an important moment in BOTH of your lives. Maybe you can compromise to having the people right in the waiting room and as soon as baby is born and you are decent they can come right in.

Traci - posted on 12/25/2011

Wow just have to say that it should be a mutual decision. I understand if you don't want someone in the room because it would make you feel uncomfortable. But you should discuss it with your significant other and ask why he feels it is important to have that person there. The same as if you want someone in the room you should be able to explain why it's important to you.. And "because I'm the one that's pregnant" is not a valid excuse. It's his baby too and it's an important moment in BOTH of your lives. Maybe you can compromise to having the people right in the waiting room and as soon as baby is born and you are decent they can come right in.

Rasa - posted on 12/25/2011

Discuss it.... But let him know that at the end of the day it is YOUR vagina that the baby is going to be pushed out of. It is a very personal thing for you (as well as for him). Let him know when you are comfortable with who being in the room. If you only want his family to visit a little during the labor and after you are settled from the delivery.... Then that is your call.

Sandy - posted on 12/25/2011

I think that it's up to the person giving birth who gets to be in the room. Other people can be in the waiting room.

Personally, I don't want just anyone seeing my private bits. I also believe that only some people want to see the mess that is childbirth. My own mother was in the waiting room, because she was a wreck and absolutely useless. However, she was the first one in the room after all was done.

Lisa - posted on 12/25/2011

I say it's your decision but you want both of you to feel comfortable in the room, so if he doesn't feel comfortable that person shouldn't be in and if you don't feel comfortable, that person shouldn't be allowed in. It's really simpler if it's you two to share that special moment and then everyone else can join you afterwards

Veroushka - posted on 12/25/2011

Your body your decision! Period!

Zenovia - posted on 12/25/2011

He cannot decide. It is the woman giving birth who decides and he'll just have to accept it. In the interest. Of the relationship he needs to know the boundary and if he's not listening have the Dr. Talk with him and you and explain it.

Apryl - posted on 12/25/2011

Absolutely not, this a very private moment for the woman giving birth. It is no different then him wanting his mom or sister to be there when you breastfeed for the first time. You as the woman however should have anyone and everyone who might make you feel supported and loved during this very difficult time. It's your birthing experience, not his. He gets the privilege of being asked to join you.

Terry - posted on 12/23/2011

This is my opinion that I formed from my own experience:

I think it is up to the woman.Giving birth is a very personal and vulnerable time.
In my own experience, the father of the children I gave birth to later made fun of me in labor to his friends. And his mother was present at the birth and made it all about herself.

Andrea - posted on 12/22/2011

this is not even a question! of course you would like to come to a mutually satisfying decision, but if he wants someone there who makes you uncomfortable, maybe HE shouldn't be allowed in!! giving birth is a dramatic, and sometimes risky event for a mother, and she has the right to define EVERY detail that is within her control....i have a friend who was bullied into letting her boyfriend's whole family in the room, and it turned out to be traumatic for her because she didn't even get to HOLD her child until after 'mee maw' was finsihed!!! i'm so lucky that my husband INSITED that noone (himself included) got to hold the baby until i had my chance to bond with him....those first few moments can't be replaced, and they are a mothers carnal right!!

Beth - posted on 12/22/2011

no i think its up to the mother your the one in pain and giving birth not the father less people in the room the more comfortable you'll be

April - posted on 12/22/2011

I have actually delt with this myself. Not because my husband wanted certain people there but because he wanted to be the only one there when the actual birth happened. I think a compromise is best. Talk with your spouse and let them know where you stand and where he stands. I fortunately had a c-sect so no one but he was allowed in the room anyway but in any case i think it is a compromise.

Andrea - posted on 12/22/2011

I WOULD SO BE OKAY WITH ANYONE IN THERE! lol but that is just me. I had three births one was twins- IN EVERY CASE I DID NOT GIVE A CARE TO WHO or who was NOT in there! I just wanted those babies OUT EACH TIME! they could have filmed me with my first son but it would have been NOTHING BUT BLEEPS! lol with my twins I had C-section so felt Great! And again a c-section with my youngest daughter. With my youngest I think just me and my hubby were in there? lol I don't even remember! It is the mothers RIGHT TO SAY! what if family wanted to go watch heart surgery, or some other procedure being done? It would not be allowed to have people come in. So in birth it should be the PATIENTS RIGHT TO CHOOSE WHO IS IN THERE OR NOT IN THERE. hope it works out where both parents agree :-)

Sherri - posted on 12/21/2011

I think it really is an individual case by case decision. It also depends how close and the relationship you have with your husband or significant other.

We are a team so his opinion holds just as much weight as mine. We both have to agree and if we can't then those people aren't allowed.

I always have my husband and a few of my closest friends with me.

Annette - posted on 12/21/2011

utimately, who is present at delivery, is totally up to the woman. It is her body her privacy and her birthpains!!!! after birth then the dual role begins!!!!