Brittany - posted on 01/16/2013 ( 28 moms have responded )
My boyfriend of two years has three teenage children with his ex wife of 15 years. The oldest, a son, turns 18 years old tomorrow. Sadly, his son (most likely by influence from his mother) does not like me. A few months ago he gave his father an "ultimatum: me or her". Since his father choose not to accept such a demand his son has decided not to visit his father anymore and has only come around when in need of something (car issues, Christmas, taking the dog to his mothers house, etc). Please keep in mind, I have been around his son MAYBE ten times at most as my boyfriend feels it is best to give his attention to his children when they are around vs sharing it with me and my two children (who are 7 & 4 years old). Granted we will get together here and there but for the most part, my boyfriend keeps me somewhat distant when he has his kids. Anyhow, my boyfriend texted his son asking if he could take him to dinner for his birthday of which he got no reply. Then this morning his ex wife replied saying "I am taking our son to dinner for his birthday. Would you (and our other two kids like to join us)? Our son would like you to be there but please do not bring your girlfriend". My boyfriend said he replied with "where are you going to dinner"? Of course this bothers me because 1.) Why can't all of us be there? 2.) Why weren't my feelings and opinions considered here by him (my boyfriend)? 3.) Why couldn't his son reply to his dad's text and tell him that? 4.) Why can't my ex kindly reply with "no you all go ahead and I will talk to our son about going another night". I have an ex husband myself that I am trying very hard to co-parent with but is heavily influenced by his new wife who is younger and has no children of her own. I understand how important it is for everyone to get along and be friendly, but I do not believe it is healthy to maintain a relationship with a woman (me) who you tell you love and want to marry one day and NOT include her in special events or take into consideration how she might feel if in fact he, his ex-wife and their three children go out to dinner together regardless if it's a birthday celebration. The reality of the whole situation sucks and I for one wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy, but there comes a time when everyone must move on and accept the fact that they are no longer "a family". It was her choice to break them apart, she is engaged to a new man, my boyfriend has been with me for two years......please tell me if I am wrong?
Again, I totally understand that he and his father should be able to have a relationship with or without me being a part of it. My concern comes with the fact that:
This morning his ex wife replied saying "I am taking our son to dinner for his birthday. Would you (and our other two kids like to join us)? Our son would like you to be there but please do not bring your girlfriend".
My ex asked his son if he would like to go to dinner with him and his siblings for his birthday and got no reply. Honestly, his son is a very social and popular person who is actually never home and is always with his friends or at a school function of which he's very involved in. Granted, maybe his son didn't want to hurt his Dad's feelings but going back to the "ultimatum" he gave his dad awhile back it sounds more to me like his son really doesn't care and his ex wife is trying to "control the situation". Honeslty, she is a very materialistic woman who never had to work receives a LARGE sum of alimony plus child support every month and even send receipts to my boyfriend expecting reimbursement for things not even required per the settlement. She is ten years older than me and still does not work. My impression is she's scared of how long my relationship has lasted with her ex and if we do marry, she will no longer be in control of situations like these. She uses the kids against their father to make herself look more deserving of what shes "earned" from being married to him for fifteen years and buys the kids anything and everything to keep them happy. It's a sad situation and I don't want to come inbetween his relationship with his children and will give him that much needed time with them. I however, don't believe that going out to dinner together as a "family unit" is acceptable because she is always known and has proven to have uliterior motives. Plus she knows how to get under my boyfriends skin by using their kids as leverage.