Do you agree that if 1 parent is abusing the child ..

Kyleigh - posted on 07/01/2011 ( 208 moms have responded )

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Do you agree that if 1 parent is abusing the child and the other parent in the home knows it that PARENT is just as guilty for child abuse?! i agree!

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Sarah - posted on 07/01/2011

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I think you have to look deeper and make sure the second person is not being abused by the first as well. Being in a relationship with an abusive partner has it's own set of problems and issues. If there is no abuse between the adults, then yes, they are just as guilty.

Jenni - posted on 07/01/2011

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Oh and you can't use the 'I'm a victim too'. That just doesn't cut it in a court of law. You're an adult and will be held accountable for your actions.

Let's use this classic example that I've seen in news stories plenty of times:

A mother's new boyfriend is abusive towards her and her child. She is aware he is beating her child but does not remove the child from the situation. He takes it too far one night and beats her child to death. She WILL be charged with criminal negligence and possibly manslaughter. The judge and jury are probably not going to accept the 'Oh I was a victim too...' because she is an adult and is therefore accountable for her own actions.



'I'm a victim' doesn't excuse unlawful activities.

Lynette - posted on 07/04/2011

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To be honest I think it is much easier for someone on the outside to say yes to this question. However, having been in the situation myself it is not that clear cut. My mom was in a Domestic Violence situation and abuse was going on right under her nose. His mother even condonde this, not only was it sexual against us children but also against my mom. There was physically, sexually, emotional abuse as well as neglect. His family that knew all about it and other members of the public but not once did anyone speak up, in fact most people condonde this form of behaviour, yes I know sick but thats what it was like when I was growing up in that household. My mom had no family to go to and no friends and his family where less than diseriable. Mom had nothing and thought that he would lay of us kids if she was the one standing in his way. So untill you have been in this situation it is quite easy to say YES. I am not bashing anyone but I can understand why my mom did nothing but eventually she did which was the main thing.



If you suspect someone is abusing or is at risk of being abused in what ever form or even neglected than it is also your responsiblitiy to do something about it. The childs welfare is parmount and I for one will have no hesitation in reporting someone, it is wrong and needs stopping. Far too many children and young people are suffering only for people to turn a blind eye.

Bethany - posted on 07/01/2011

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Its child abuse no matter what the situation is. If the non abusive parent keeps the child in that situation whether they themselves are getting abused or not is child abuse. A mother can lose her children if she is the victim of abuse and not the children because the children even being witnesses is child abuse.

Debra - posted on 07/05/2011

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YES! YES! YES! How can anyone sit by knowing their child is being abused! I could never ever condone anyone harming my children, no matter what the circumstances. If we dont protect out children who will! :(

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Hollie - posted on 11/07/2011

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but I agree with you, the other parent can work, hold down a job and move out or get that parent reported to CPS / Police! I wouldnt tolerate it one bit.

Hollie - posted on 11/07/2011

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I agree kyleigh there is alot of moms or dads that do see in their own household abuse and say one thing the right thing to do is leave and protect the kids because they are first and foremost , but alot of people im sure DONT practice what they preach!!

Angela - posted on 11/07/2011

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If the other parent who is in the know is working to get out of the situation and a victim of abuse then I would not judge them because they got out ASAP. I was in a situation where I had a bf who was abusive to me, and one night he screamed and was mean to my kids. I called as soon as he left a shelter. They had not any room. So I called a shelter in another state and they had room. I emptyed my bank account, got a grey hound bus and left with a suit case. We lost everything but he could not find us and my girls were protected.
But during the first few days while I was trying to get out, I would hope people would not judge me.
I also put myself and children in threaapy after that and we did move on but myself or my kids never forgot him or the day we left. We literally were hiding in the bus station afraid he would come for us.
But one must protect their children first and yourself so you can protect your children. If you don't get help then you are guilty too. No child should be killed or abused by anyone if you can stop it. I really do not understand how parents could allow anyone to hurt their babies.
I do not judge a person for getting in a bad situation, those guys are real charmers. This bf had an apartment he owned, so he rented it to us. This also gave him access to my place anytime he wanted and the cops could do nothing. He was smart how he got his victims.
I left so much behind and so many Moms on here are like I have no place to go, not any cash, etc and I say well I did it, you can but you have to not worry of your stuff, money etc. Worry of your safety first.

Kyleigh - posted on 11/07/2011

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yeah may be a "dumb " question but not ALL people I see that stick up for the kids sake that see's the other parent discipline using excessive force

Donna - posted on 07/05/2011

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I totally agree. Our children don't asked to be bought into the world and when we make that choice for them then it is us that is totally responsible for providing a safe and loving environment. I don't care if it is a partner or a stranger, as soon as I bring another life into this world I am responsible for them and if my husband / partner / boyfriend was doing something to my child, look out.

Diane - posted on 07/04/2011

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I have walked in those shoes and there are NO EXCUSES for staying in an abusive relationship!! That's what police, district attorney's and safe houses are for!!

Diane - posted on 07/04/2011

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ABSOLUTELY!!Matter of fact there is a law called the
Rico act that has this very basis! If a person is sitting inthe car while a bank is being robbed and someone is killed during the robbery, the person in the car is just as guilty of the murder as the one pulling the trigger!! I saved my children from an abusive drug addict and if I can do it ANYBODY can!!

Sylvia - posted on 07/04/2011

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Been there, done that. Abuse is abuse. That's why it's propogated...because we don't do anything about it. We're stupid to put up with abuse of ANY kind. The first slap, hit, punch, or put down...run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. There are plenty of shelters and support groups to help us. Stop teaching our children that abuse of any kind is OK. They will pass it on to their own kids. WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!!!!!

Angie - posted on 07/04/2011

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Yes definately, If the other parent looks on and allows it to happen they are just a guilty. No child deserves to be abused and have no one to step up and protect them. I can'[t even imagine allowing it to continue happening without turning them in and leaving them.

Angie - posted on 07/04/2011

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DEFINATLY!!!! IF THEY KNOW IT IS HAPPENING AND DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT THEY ARE JUST AS GUILTY AS THE PARENT WHO IS GUILTY OF ABUSING THEIR CHILD AND NEEDS TO BE GIVEN THE SAME SENTENCE AS THEIR PARTNER. IT IS SUCH A SAD SAD THING THAT A CHILD HAS TO GO THRU THAT WITHOUT THE SPOUSE TO THE ABUSER CARING ABOUT THEIR CHILD ENOUGH TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF ALLOWING IT TO CONTINUE HAPPENING. I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE ALLOWING SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO HAPPEN.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/04/2011

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yes absolutely- I have personal experience with an abusive father and a mother who did nothing about it.

Halie - posted on 07/04/2011

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yes and if i know that the child is getting abuse i would report it cause a child can;t defened him/herself and it's just wrong

Ellie - posted on 07/04/2011

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Allegations of child abuse have gotten completely out of hand...so NO...the other parent should NOT be guilty of abuse. There could be SO many reasons why a person makes the choices that they do. Until you walk a mile in their shoes, know their reasons why and try to understand what the person's reasons may have been, don't judge because there is no black and white in this world, just many shades of gray.

Sylvia - posted on 07/04/2011

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Children will emulate what they see as they grow up. Even if not abused themselves, they see it in the home and think it's the norm. They grow up to either be abusers, or accept abuse themselves as being the norm. So, Mom, if you are staying in a relationship "because of your child/children", you're creating an abuser in the future or your child if a girl (usually) will be abused and caught in the trap you're in and creating.

Beth - posted on 07/04/2011

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I 100% agree. If the other parent knows that it is happening they are just as guilty by means of enabling by not stopping the abuse.

Dixie - posted on 07/04/2011

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Yes that parent is just as guilty. I would never love a spouse enough to put (him/her) before my child. Get out of that relationship quick. Actually I could never love anyone that would abuse a child.

Janeta - posted on 07/04/2011

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The other parent is aware of the abuse and sees the abuse and is doing nothing to stop it then I believe that they are both guilty and should both be punished.

Johanna - posted on 07/04/2011

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Maybe you've just given me the answer to why my children have been so angry with me for so many years. Their stepfather was the abuser, but I knew about it. Even got him to go to a psych and swear he would stop. Oddly enough, I think I'm the one they blame. I didn't know how to raise four children by myself. So I got many years of outside professional help. This question may have helped me. Possibly I should have left sooner than I did. Yes, its my fault for marrying him and then discovering he was bi-sexual and a sadist. I've struggled with guilt for more than 35 years. Various psychs have ALL tried to rid me of it. I think I don't know the answer and maybe this is too raw for this column anyway. Not all answers are simple.

Lucy - posted on 07/04/2011

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yes i agree if they know about it..... its just wrong wrong makes me so angry- how anyone could hurt there own children

Alicia - posted on 07/04/2011

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Now this is a diffucult situation, the abusing parent could also be abusing their spouse. In a situation like that all are afraid to go against the abuser. I do agree that it is wrong but when someone is physically abuse they become mentally unstable and extremely fearful or angry. Now if the other parent is just pretending to ignore then, yes they are just as guilty.

I was in a situation with my ex-husband where he was physically abusive to the kids and sexually and mentally abusive to me. I did not have the courage to leave until he was hospitalized for bi-polar. Sadly even though he sits in a mental facility under a court order, he was still allowed joint custody of the children.

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Yes! My husband was abused by his step mother and step sister until his grandparents steped in and took him away. HIs father was fully aware and never did anything to stop them or to help him. My husband hates him more then the others.

Angela - posted on 07/04/2011

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YES 100% !!! Children can't speak for themselves and if you just let it happen you are guilty! I can see not any circumstance where they would not be guilty. I would leave with the clothes on my back if needed.... and yes I did so I know. I had an abusive boyfriend and I left him before it turned to my daughter.... it was already bad for her when she say him abuse me. It took only once and I left.

Cindy - posted on 07/04/2011

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Absolutely! Knowing about the abuse & doing nothing to stop and/or prevent it is the same as abusing the child.

Danielle - posted on 07/04/2011

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Yes. You must not just sit and let something horrible and/or abusive happen to a child. If something isn't done to protect the child, you're just as guilty.

Linda - posted on 07/04/2011

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I hope you finally found courage to seek help. They count on fear, shameless cowards that they are. I'm sorry you had such an awful experience though I will don't hold you blameless.

Alice - posted on 07/04/2011

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Somtimes the abuse can not be proven and it is done in subtle ways and then if you get a divorce the abuser has more of a chance to abuse the child because the courts will not take the child from the abuser. So then the nonabuser stays so that they can at least be there to protect the child.

Megan - posted on 07/04/2011

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I agree.. Just because you are not the one physically/mentally abusing your child, you are just as guilty for letting it happen.

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