Do you agree that if 1 parent is abusing the child ..
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Jenni - posted on 07/02/2011
I think the big difference is that if the other adult is being abused, they are an adult and CAN find a way out. There is a physical way out even if they are afraid. It is still ultimately their choice. Whereas the child has ZERO choice to get away from the abuse.
I'm not going to downplay it being hard to leave. I think I can understand that. But you still have the choice no matter how you look at it and your children do not. They look to you for protection. And in a court of law they will see it no other way.
It took me many years to forgive my mother for not protecting us from my father. She was afraid. I still never believed that was a good enough excuse. I looked to her for protection and she offered me nothing in that way. I still haven't forgiven her for making us suffer through it. Her decision to stay damaged us in more ways than you can imagine and I still haven't fully forgiven her. I have enough to speak to her again, but that's about it.
It doesn't matter how afraid you are. There's always a way out. There's resources to help you. And you will be doing far, far more damage by staying, to yourself and your children no matter what the situation is. As an adult you will be held accountable for your bad decisions.
Kristina - posted on 07/02/2011
Yes and no
If the nonabusive parent is getting abused and threatened that if they leave something will happen then no. Honestly if you were being abused and threatened that if you leave the abuser would do something to you wouldn't you be to scared to leave. (Most of you might say no but I know someone personally that always said no until it happened to them and they were to scared to leave)
but if the nonabusive parent is just being physically abused then yes because they can get out without feeling scared.
Kate - posted on 07/02/2011
No. It is much more likely that that parent is also abused and is making bad decisions because of fear. That is if they know and it is much more likely that they do not know. We trust each other and we just don't see it. It is one of the myths of child abuse that the other parent is aware of what is happening. I teach child protection classes and sadly we do not see the signs. We think we will but we mostly don't. Saying that there was one case about 18 months ago where a mother was being prosocuted because when her daughter told her she was being abused, she told her daughter that she could not stop it because the man has given her a car and money. She was guilty, it was a sort of prostitution/abuse. She is in jail where she belongs. This is rare. These situations are really complicated and the whole family is damaged by the abuse it is not as straightforward as yes or No. What is true is that the child needs to be removed from the home to a place of safety. The other parent needs help too.
Jareen - posted on 07/01/2011
In regards to Diani Sherman's remarks I know abuse, my Mother & Step-Father may they both RIP abused me, animals seems to have more love for their young ones than humans. I don't care what you have to do, no Mother or Father should sit by and allow each other to abuse their children, not knowing what to do especially in a country like the US when you report the abuse. I say it's a poor excuse to say you didn't know what to do at the time. Try explaining that to the fears of your children, for in time their fears will return and as I use to say to my son's "Love means never having to say that you are sorry" I would run far and wide cross mountians and rivers just to protect my son's when they were young and now that they are grown I pray for their safety every moment, especially my eldest son who is now serving in Iraq. Stop using excuses such as no one know's as a Mother it's our God giving instint to protect our young. I alway tell women, that men are like busses you miss one you can catch another one, but if you destroy the innonense in your child or children putting a man, or yourself before them, you will kill all of their God given talent which will be repressed into their memory forever. How many great men and great women are now in prison, on drugs or minds are messed up because of abuse and the abuse are by the most two important people other than God they should trust have went down the drain. How about the next time that you see a young man or woman or even an older woman or man is on the streets talking to themselves are strung out on drugs or drunk or in handcuffs think about it is their childhood or was this the part that played or got them to that point. We need to have compassion, and stop judging but acknowleding the good as well as the bad and begin to own what we are doing to our children, after all they didn't ask to be born. And they should always be safe. I made sure that my son's was safe, I didn't marry my eldest son's Father until he was 27 years old. I made that promise since I was a child that I would not allow no one to abuse my children so I choose to be lonely by choice not because I had to .
Meredith - posted on 07/01/2011
What you said about mandated reporters not reporting hurts my heart! It is not only the right thing to do, but is also the law. I have seen how controlling abusive relationships can be and it is difficult for some to walk away. But you are absolutely right that if you suspect a child you know is being abused by anyone - REPORT IT! It may be the step the other parent needs to get help and get out. Ignoring it - condones it, whether you are the other parent or a friend, neighbor, relative, teacher, etc. REPORT IT ASAP!
Diana - posted on 07/01/2011
Michelle -- you had an advantage in that you knew and had experience with abuse..... I did not. I was never around anything like this. I was in so much shock and awe...... in retrospect, I would have handled it so much differently. The others can judge me all they want.... but I thought that I was protecting them by staying... as twisted as that sounds. Me and my children have gone through lots and lots of counseling..... there's also a "Patty Hurst" type syndrome that takes place. I used to say the same thing too before I found myself in that situation (that I would leave immediately etc. etc.) .... also our abuse was sporadic. Not daily..... sometimes only yearly. (the physical part, even though the confusing mental part was more frequent) We were Pastors of a church and I was also afraid of how the congregation would be affected if they found out that their Pastor was and abuser. It's easy to say what you would do without actually being in the situation. Several times, mandatory reporters confronted me -- but they never reported it! I wish they would have. I'd like to think that instead of crucifying me, the authorities would have given me a choice as a victim to leave and keep my children--- I would have gotten the help that I desperately needed. We were a "respected" family in the community. Not crack addicts......
Today, my children have virtually no relationship with their father, I am remarried and have a younger child who is enjoying a wonderful, normal life. My older children have started having children of their own.... and you better believe that I'm watching for signs...... and I will intervene --like no one did for me or my kids. People don't like to get involved..... well... for all of you who would "never" put up with abuse...... all I ask you to do is report it, report it, report it! and save the children and women who are in this situation. Most women in this situation have virtually no resources to get out.... the men have isolated them from their families and friends and they feel like they have no where to turn. That was me. Thank God for the domestic violence group that gave me assistance! If you feel this strongly about it, be a friend and help someone out -- offer your home to them... or get them in a domestic violence shelter. I didn't think I had anywhere to turn..... and I thought we would be killed if we tried to leave. Continue to judge me...... but God knows my heart and I love my children and now grandchildren more than life itself and I am now adored by them all......as I adore them...... I'm not trying to argue here..... I guess I'm looking for some kind of compassion. No wonder women like me are so scared to leave. Everyone on the "outside" won't understand your situation and will just judge you....... I did finally make things right..... better late than never I suppose.
Michelle - posted on 07/01/2011
Diana, I disagree with you but in no way judge you. You did what you thought was best for you and your kids at the time. My
Mom made the same choice to stay with my abusive Father despite the beatings her and I suffered because she felt like she had no choice. I forgave her as your children have you but made the choice myself that if my Husband EVER hurt my kids he would be gone. 3 years ago my husband beat our then 5 year old for getting into my nail polish. (I was at work at the time) As soon as I got home and saw the marks on her face and neck I called the police and CPS on him and had him removed from our home. Fearing what he might do to me in retaliation was never a consideration. I would willingly die if that is what it took to keep my children safe. I brought them into this world and it is my responsibility to protect them no matter what the circumstances.
Christina - posted on 07/01/2011
If the other parent knows it, then yes. Parents can hide it from the other. If they aren't leaving marks and the abuse only occurs when the second parent isn't home, then they can't be blamed. Lots of times abused children do not show fear towards their abuser when it is a parent because they love that parent unconditionally.
This is why when my ex husband did something ILLEGAL and I found out, I moved out within hours and never returned. I moved 1400 miles away and started over from scratch with nothing but our clothes and my four children. It was hard. But it was either leave or lose my kids.
Diana - posted on 07/01/2011
I beg to differ..... I lived with an abusive spouse for 18 years... he abused me and our children. I lived in so much fear and he had so much control over me that I was too afraid to leave or to do anything. You hear so many stories about women who leave their abusers only to be stalked and killed by them and how law enforcement is weak to defend them. I was terrified to even try to leave... until something finally snapped in me and I decided that me and my children were better off dead than to continue to live in this environment. We used a domestic violence agency that walked us through it and helped us escape. Without their help, I never could have done it. I was a victim just like the children, if I could turn back the clock and leave sooner I would. But until you are living under the control of someone like that you can not know, nor judge those of us who have. I live with guilt -- but my children understand and forgive me because they know how it was. Don't judge until you walk a mile in their shoes. Those women need support. Not judgement.
Jareen - posted on 07/01/2011
Yes of course, there is no way on God's good earth will I allow the Father of my son's to abuse them and not do anything about it. I went through that as a child, and today I am 57 years old and because of this I have trust issues. Please contact the proper authorities and have that child put into a safe enviroment, before she's emotionally destroyed. This is 2011 and no child should have to suffer in a place that they call home, or from both so called parents.
Liz - posted on 07/01/2011
Absolutely agree that they are guilty by association and for not removing their child from the situation completely. I cannot conceive of a reason why a parent would allow that behaviour and allow their own child to be physically and psychologically harmed in any way. I know people often feel powerless to do anything, afraid of the abuser themselves.....but....these are our children and they need our protection.
JuLeah - posted on 07/01/2011
You are part of the solution, or you are part of the problem ... ya can't be both ... In some ways, I think the parent that knows and does nothing, is worse.
That said, there is always more to the story then first meets the eye
Laura - posted on 07/01/2011
I believe if the other parent is as neglectful or abusive as the parent actually committing the abuse because abuse should not be allowed and the non abuse parent is responsible for getting help and protecting their child. how many new stories have there been where years of abuse(esp sexual) abuse went on and the one parent (usually the mother) allowed a boyfriend(s) to continually abuse their child.
Ashley - posted on 07/01/2011
Just as guilty if you know about it yes.. even if you are being abused as well, the second you find out your child is being hurt that should be it. You leave, you get out of there and protect your child any way you can and that is all there is to it!
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