Do you let your 15 year old daughther date someone that made her miserable in the past again?

Melissa - posted on 09/08/2009 ( 122 moms have responded )

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She always seems to have to have a "boyfriend". he alienated her from her friends. she didn't do anything if he didn't or couldn't do it with her or just simply didn't want to. that never aplogized. that you saw her crie constantly over him?

Now she says that he has changed and things will be different? We feel like he is too controlling. Where do you draw the line and allow her to make her own mistakes and just keep an eye on the relationship?

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Holly - posted on 09/16/2009

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WOW! As as teenager I was in what sounds like the very same relationship. I would guess that he might have changed, but in most cases it is only temporary. Personally, I resent that my parents did not have the courage, OR were too lazy to stand up to him and me, and cut our relationship off. If by chance, he is over 18 you can always have a restraining order put on him if it got to that point. Good luck with your situation.

Stacy - posted on 09/16/2009

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No!!! If he was controlling her before he will countinue to do so. My daughter went through the same thing. I finally and to just put my foot down and say no. I'm not going to allow anyone most of all a boy mistreat my girls. She may be angry with you for a while like my daughter was but she will soon realize that you are doing what's best for her. My daughter thanks me almost every day now. It's a wonderful feeling. But it was a hard time in our relationship but now it's so much better because she knows that her Mom will always be there for her and stand up to anyone on her behalf. You'll know what's right cause you'll feel it in your heart. It gets better. Girls are a handful. Good Luck!!

BRENDA - posted on 09/16/2009

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first of all 15 is still to young to date anyone because she still don't know herself,she needsnto stay foucus on school she will have time for dating later and if the young man is controlling now he will always comtrolling she needs to let that go,and you need to let her know that you don't need anyone to make feel good about yourself and to trust in God and he will see her through,good luck.

Shannon - posted on 09/15/2009

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I guarantee you he hasn't changed a bit, get her away from him if you can, tough love works in the long run, she will probably hate you but in the long run she will thank you.

Theresa - posted on 09/15/2009

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I personally wouldn't let my 15 year old daughter date! there are too many other things that a 15 year old should be focusing on - like school work, character, and self-discipline. These are issues that only older teens and young adults should be figuring out.

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Jennifer - posted on 09/17/2009

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I have A 15yr old girl an I would have to say that "THANK GOD" she is more into sports an friends then boy's. But if she were there is one thing I have learned and that is one minute they hate each other the next they love em' ya know. (that goes 4 bbf's an bf's)

I feel you need to show an give alot of trust an respect I have learned that with my daughter an it working godd luck though I wish the best 4u.

Jean - posted on 09/16/2009

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One of the best things you can do for your daughter is help guide her in making her own decisions. It is good that she talks with you. At the same time she sees something in this "boyfriend." What has worked best for our kids is to ask them questions. You might want to ask your daughter what she would say to a friend who was going through such and such a situation. (something that you have seen in her relationship put into a broad context) Her answer will let you know where she is coming from. If her answer is that she will do nothing, ask why she says that... without judging you are giving her an opportunity to show you how she thinks and also lets her reason out her own choices.

Shannon - posted on 09/15/2009

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I guarantee you he hasn't changed a bit, get her away from him if you can, tough love works in the long run, she will probably hate you but in the long run she will thank you.

Shell - posted on 09/15/2009

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Tough call to make. I've been where you are. My daughter dated a boy like that. I tried to make special nights for her where we did things together, whether just hanging out watching a movie at home or going to McDonalds. I never told her how much I didn't like him. But little by little by spending time with me alone she was able to open up a little about what he was doing to her. I never told her that she couldn't see him but often told her if that was the life she wanted for her future and if she saw him as part of her future. She wouldn't ever answer but she eventually broke it off with him. Her last boyfriend never made her cry but he was like a pit of bad luck. He went through 5 cars in 4 months. Hope this helps.

Vonnie - posted on 09/15/2009

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I can't help with this one...I am 60 and 'in my day' I couldn't even date when I was 15!!

Jamie - posted on 09/15/2009

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He sounds like he manipulates her. You have that right to draw that line. I went through this with my 15 yr old son. His GF would like to fight and break up constantly. So I sat him down and told him that there are other girls out there who dont like DRAMA. So when she pulled her DRAMA LLAMA stuff again......he told her it was over. And he moved on. We dont like to see our kids hurting. But in the long run.....they will realize we were right.

This boy is playing her heart......soon it will be, "if you love me, you'll have sex with me." It sounds like an unhealthy relationship. I hope that you can convince her to let him go.

Donna - posted on 09/15/2009

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I have had the same problem with my 16 yr old, the things that you need to remember is when you were 15, if your mom put her foot down, you probably did it anyway, invite him over a few times and talk with both of them, put the past behind and for your daughter go in with an open mind, let her know that this is a trial and you want to see how much he has changed before you let her go out with him..... Then if your daughter is as hard headed as mine stand back and let it take its course, I tried all the stops, I hate him, i like him, he is no good for you and until i shut up and let it take its course she did not get rid of him and now thank God he is gone.....

Patricia - posted on 09/14/2009

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Girl don't get me started!!! NO NO NO This the start of an abusive relationship! know the signs right away and don't be nieve!!! Use your mother's inuition girl!! You know what to do but you just don't want your daughter to be mad or hate you. Don't let her fall victom to that kind of manipulation because it's only a matter of time before he hits her or she moves onto another relationship later on that's more abusive, thinking that's it's normal to be treated like crap. You're the only one who has control over her well being and protection. Remember she's still a minor. Last but not least YOU need t have a talk wit this boy and TELL HIM LIKE IT IZZ!!!! YOU F--- WITH MY BABY YOU HAVE TO DEAL WIT ME!! There's other boys out there mom she'll get over him. I know it sounds really dramatic right now but I've been there and I've got young nieces who cry to me all the time about this exact same issue, who started in relationships like your daughter's. I hope that I have been helpful. Good luck and God bless.

Lacey - posted on 09/14/2009

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This is def a tough one! If you forbid her to date him again, chances are she will anyway to "prove you wrong" even though you are right! If you tell her she can not date him, she will then do it behind your back and will trust you less to come to you when she is having a problem with him. I would just tell her you think its not a good idea, and explain why, explain to her she can do better, but also tell her its her decision unless he becomes a problem. But make sure she knows she can come to and trust you to tell you anything. Because you don't want to find out later he is abusing her in some way and she was scared to tell you about it. Although I would limit the time they can see each other to when you can be around, and encourage her to go out with her friends without him.

Carmell - posted on 09/14/2009

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You do not draw a line to let her make her own mistakes she is a minor and remember you are responsible for her until she is 18. By your asking on here, it shows you care and are looking help. Don't be afraid to speak to a school counselor or minister. Domestice violence begins with controlling behaviors. Nip it NOW before it gets worse and it will. It is our jobs to teach our children about HEALTHY relationships of course it helps if we can demonstrate them as well. DVIS has alot of free literature on domestice violence and the tell tale signs. I hope you empower your daughter with education on relationships. I encourage you to ask any woman that has been abused how did this begin...the VERY FIRST thing each will say is HE WAS CONTROLLING! This can often be mistaken for LOVE if we are not taught the difference. 15 is young to date and puts your daughter in life situations that you must educate her for. I encouragae you to seek out resources to stand firmly on. Be strong, your daughter needs you! She should be enjoying many other things right now and that abuse is not one of them. Prayers to you & her.

Michele - posted on 09/14/2009

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I read a lot of the remarks before I decided to make one myself. Children learn a lot about relationships from what they see at home and on the TV. How we are with the man in our lives has a big part in how they will be in theirs. However, sometimes they are the exact opposite of what they see. Is there anything about how she is in this relationship that reminds you of yourself? Or is it that she is the opposite of you? I total agree with one of the other moms when she said that communication is the key. Talk to her find out what it is that she think about relationships, what they should be like, and how each person should respect the other. My daughter and I have a wonderful relationship, she knows a lot about my life, the good, the bad and the ugly. I hope that you already have a good communication with her. If not tell her about some of your dating experiences and see if she open up more than she already has. I wish you well. I too think this male child is controlling and may even be abbussive.

Becky - posted on 09/14/2009

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Try getting her into some kind of club or activity that takes alot of her time and then with the spare time kill them with kindness. Include him in family activities when she is free. not only will you be able to stop any bad behavor at the moment but he will get tired of always having you around so he can't do his whole controling thing and will go his own ways to prey on some other child saddly.

Amanda - posted on 09/14/2009

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Im 22 years old, with a 3 month old baby so am yet to experience this from a "mothers" prospective. But as a young female I know that if you hound your daughter about this boy, and how he's bad for her - your only going to push her away and make her less likely to talk to you about how she feels, what shes doing etc for fear she will simply be lectured.

15 is such a crappy age, where boys are a "must" to feel acknowledged & accepted (from her prospective) She will learn from watching others that you dont have to be with someone that hurts you. Its also not likely to be such a serious thing. Its a hard one, but I would recommend sitting back & just keeping an eye on it all so she doesnt feel pressured by you and you keep a happy relationship with her.

Sharon - posted on 09/14/2009

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Sit BOTH of them down and tell them that the former controlling relationship is not going to happen. If they want to have a healthy relationship where both are equals then fine; if not show him the door. If he cares for your child then he will respectfully listen; if not send him packing. If you daughter doesn't like it "Oh well, you are the parent, not her." I know alot of IFS but you take charge all 15 year olds think they are grown and know everything but they don't so you have to be in charge.

Christie - posted on 09/13/2009

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We don't allow our kids to date at all until they are 16. But that does not mean they have not dated some scary people. My daughter dated an abuser who started with those same types of things - cutting her off from other friends, being controlling - it escalated to emotional and physical abuse. It was a long, hard road to help her recover from that relationship. I would tell your daughter to RUN away from that relationship. Find article you can in books, magazines (Seventeen had a great one about 5 years ago), or on-line about abusive relationships. If she still feels drawn to him, get her into counseling and help her overcome her draw to this type of relationship before you are picking her and her kids up from a women's shelter.

Melvinia - posted on 09/13/2009

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Encourage your daughter to run for the hills. If he is that controlling now it will only get worse. I have had three women I know that were murdered by their spouse/boyfriend. The men were controlling and only got worse. One lady was a shreiff deputy. She is only setting her self up for years of abuse and misery. Get her into counselling to let her know she is worthy of better.

[deleted account]

It's a hard situation because we don't want our children to get hurt. The one thing you can do is let her know that whatever happens you will be there for her no matter what happens. Keep the doors of communication open. Sometimes, and this may be wrong, sometimes I try to teach my daughter lessons through stories, some real and some not. I will start a conversation like...guess what I saw on the news today, there was this girl who was seeing this boy and blah blah blah. Do it like a conversation and get her involved ask her what she thinks about the situation and that will get her thinking about her own. Hope all works out and good luck.

Anna - posted on 09/13/2009

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She's 15 - she is a kid and does not get to date. Thats the end of the story. you don't like the boy, he's not allowed to come over, call or see her at any time. Call his parents and raise hell.

Angela - posted on 09/13/2009

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I guess I am a little old for this one.....My daughter wasn't allowed to date until she reached the age of 16. Because I am a firm believer that you really don't appreciate things in life if they are experienced too soon. Also because I feel as a women our emotions run different than our male counterparts. When you develop bonds of this type early (commited relationships) you tend to get caught up in the "need" to have one. Encourage her to develop long lasting friendships with people who have 'her' best interests at heart. Abusive men don't just wake up one day and 'decide' to be abusive they are cultivated by the environment that they are around and habits that have not been broken early in them. He has all the makings of someone that you will live to hate because if he is this controlling at this point can you imagine if they stay together? What happens when she decides that enough is enough and tries to get out of the relationship? She may be mad with you now, she may even say she hates you, but in the long run when she is living the life that God meant for her to have in the future she will bless your decision to stop this now.

Susan - posted on 09/13/2009

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What 15 year old is mature enough to have "dated" a guy enough already that he's put her through this hell. Get her away from that influence now. It's forming her "template" for any future relationships. She shouldn't have been allowed to be in a relationship that has allowed her to have gone through this in the first place. I'm sorry I don't mean to sound high and mighty, but I don't believe a child is mature enough to be in those situations that early in life. Our kids need to be kids while they can. And YES I do have a 15 year old daughter. She has watched her older sisters make their mistakes and realizes that life should be for you until you are ready to deal with the give and take of a relationship. My older two didn't date one-on-one till they were 18 & 19 by choice. And they are both cute girls. We need to slow our children down and allow them to be children. Grown-up life with all it's hurts and trials comes on soon enough.



Edited for spelling

Lisa - posted on 09/13/2009

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I think you are walking a thin line as well. The most important thing you can give your daughter right now is your trust and love. tell her often that you trust her judgment. Ask her how she feels when this person does the things you see as hurtful. let her know about any mistakes you may have made in the past that are similar. Build up herself esteem let her know you support her and believe in her. But most of all LISTEN to her. Why does she feel she needs this relationship and can't live with out it? let her know that no matter what there are OTHER people around her who love her, respect her and care for her. It will take a lot of time and proably some painful mistakes but she has to learn to make her own choices and the consequences of those choices. She is growing up. and wants to be treated like an adult. Let her know you are learning to see her as an adult and let her know your fears, your concern for her safety and this other person as well. He may have a serious problem and need some help too.I know this will work because I lived it. Good luck to you and your daughter above all else always let her know you love her.

Debora - posted on 09/13/2009

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Be honest with her tell her your fears. Maybe she is looking for attention that she is not getting. that's why she feels the need to always have a boyfriend. Ask her how he makes her feel and what they talk about that may give you an insight into what's going on inside her head and heart. This could set her up for a bad fall later. Don't feel bad for wanting to protect your child, that's what you are there for, to guide and worry over her.

Astrid - posted on 09/12/2009

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Sometimes having our daughters wait till they are 16 to date helps avoid these difficult situations. Group dating when they are younger helps them avoid some of these situations.

Jennifer - posted on 09/12/2009

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no, not at 15- she really is just not mature enough to make good decision about relationships- especially if this guy is controlling- that is abuse and abusers rarely change. i'd tell her "no way" for a certin amount of time, then when she's older (in a year or two) if he's so important and really changed he'll still be interested in her- chances are he'll move onto someone else who will let him control them.

Connie - posted on 09/12/2009

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Hi I have a fourteen yr old. and a twenty old... No to your question but you need to explain about control and that she is the one to control her life not him.. onces a guy is like that early on in his life he only gets worse not better ..other wise she will always date those kinds of guys.She needs to know that their will be lots of frogs she is going to kiss before she finds the right one.. and he isnt the right frog. and friends can be a lifetime and guys will come and go,.. thank you that is just my opinion.. Constance

Sarah - posted on 09/12/2009

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I'm sorry your in this difficult spot with your daughter. When I was almost 16, I started dating this guy, I didnt have a good home life and school and him were my escape. I didn't see any of the warning signs until it was too late. I had sex with him in less than a month of dating and at 17, I gave birth to a baby girl (who is the love of my life!). He was emostional abusive for the most part, a bit too hands on, and was cheating on me for almost the start. When I was 18, his mother was mudered, we lived with her. I had no place to go (my mom thru me out at 8months per.) my anut took me to live with her two states away. He still had a hold on me, even though I promised to never let him know where we were (I never told him), he wrote to a po box and I called from a payphone. The last time was 9/11, when I found out how heartless he was, he didnt even care what happen to our country!! he died at 21 from an overdoes. The thing I take from all that happened to me is that I have a beautiful daughter and now I know I can keep her safe form him. My mother never tryed to talk to me, never cared, she let him sleep over!! I know you care and love her and she does to just talk to her. At 15 girls really shouldnt be dating in my opion, not that I'm judging, cuz everyone is different. Does she have any interests, hobbies- get her more involved with them, set curfews and family only time, and tell her you want her to hang out with her firends too. Girls shouldn't be so evolved with guys, they lose themselfs and their friends! Godd luck, my thought and prayers are with you in this hard time.

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this is tough but i will tell you of my own experience. I was 14 and met a kid who 17 at the time. while dating him he isolated me from my friends, he gave me a friendship ring, back in those days that ment you were pre-engaged, and he drove me to school and picked me up and he was all i had. My mom and dad were keeping an eye on this as it was happening. well to make a very long story short, we ended up getting married when i was 19 right out of highschool. stayed married for 11 years, i remember as i was walking down the isle that i was thinking of another guy. but didnt care as i knew i would be getting out of my house. see i think i grew up way too fast.

after 2 years of marriage i started growing up and seeing he didnt have to be my world, i saved up and went to college and then met people and found that i didnt want this married life anymore, so i started going out and he would get real mad. then he would tell me not to see this one or that one.

he tried everything. found myself cheating on him and then i finally said i couldnt stay in this marriage after 11 years. after i got away from him i realized how controlling he was. see at that age i knew he would take care of me. it was more of a security thing than anything.

i am now remarried and am happy. 21 years.

my advice, the more you forbid her the more she will find ways to be with him. so if you have instilled in her that she stand up for herself and dont let anyone tell her who to hang out with, what to wear, ect. tell her she is a wonderful kid, you love her, and make sure she knows she can come to you for anything. sometimes its even just a mother daughter thing and dads not be involved.

she will do the right thing because she knows she is loved and she will be thinking to herself that if it feels wrong it probably is.

trust yourself, if you know you have done everything you can to give her the right tools for life then trust her to follow them.

good luck

Debra - posted on 09/12/2009

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That is tough. I've had the same thing w/ my 15 year old son. Just go through it with her. When you start to notice those things occuring again gently point them out to her so she can hopefully see them too. Even when they see it.. they do keep jumping back into relationships. But hopefully it will equip them to know when the right one comes along. First and foremost would be a talk about sexual purity and that is hers and and only hers not to be pressured into giving up for a guys that "pretends" he loves her.

Sylvie - posted on 09/12/2009

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my 17 year old was in the same type of reletionship and ended up getting pregnet and marrying him. in the course of 8 years he turned from controlling to abusive physically, mentally and emotionally. we would see signs but she would always defend him and her father didnt want to upset her so we let it go. PLEASE.. keep a close eye on your daughter and if you see signs of abuse interfere, she will thank you for it in the end!

Kathryn - posted on 09/12/2009

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I dated a guy who was exactly the same when i was about her age. The truth is hes not going to change and hes always going to carry on treating her like that. The more he isolates her from her friends the harder its going to be to leave him. I remember just think ill be by myself if i leave him and well i was for a litte while. I just ended up making friends over again. Until she realizes for her self that hes not going to change and she can be without him the situation will remain the same. Nothing my parents or friends said made me feel any different. I think if you tell her she cant see him she will just do it behind your back. All you really can do is be there when she needs to talk and just tell her how you feel about the situation without trying to puss her into doing what you want her to do. I feel that i am stronger now from the situation.

December - posted on 09/12/2009

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Im so sorry! I have to agree with many of the others on here, if you forbid her to see him- She will make it a point to see him! Just be there to help her along the way & to help her when it does end.

Carolin - posted on 09/12/2009

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I agree with you. If this person has hurt your daughter maybe the police need to get involed with a restraining order. You need to protect her otherwise she will think this is normal behaviour and will accept it.

Iwalani - posted on 09/12/2009

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My rule is no dating until your at least 16. But of course my son had his first girlfriend at 14, but that was only during school hours. After that, he was girlfriendless. I just wouldn't allow it. I kept my kids busy as a family. Everyday, they would have to come home, do chores, do homework and shower. By the time they got those things done, there was only little time for them to do what they wanted. And they weren't allowed out of the house after dawn. Weekends, same thing, I put my 4 kids in sports and we would spend the weekend at games and the beach (free entertainment). I believe if you stay involved with them and involve them in some kind of club or team, they don't have time to have a girl/boyfriend and they don't really think about it, then you don't have to deal with someone making your 15 yo dtr miserable in the past. :)

Lauren - posted on 09/12/2009

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I'd hate to say it, but a 15 yr old feels her decision is best and feels "grown" enough to make that decision...As much as it may hurt you to see your daughters heart get broken-again!- teenagers are much better off to learn the hard way. I'm afraid that if you tell her she cannot see him that she will find other ways around that, then you will be dealing with a whole new basket of eggs....such as sneaking out, lying, and even as far as running away...Now, don't get me wrong, this is just an opinion and judgment from what I have seen other mothers go through with their daughters...Good luck!

Salenia - posted on 09/12/2009

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We went through something very similar with our teenage son. My husband and I talked to him, but never told him he couldn't see her. We just refused to provide the transportation for them to see each other. It took some time, but he did come to his senses and broke up with her. I know it was hard on him, but he eventually saw what everyone else saw. Please, whatever you do, don't forbid her from seeing him. That only makes it worse. Just keep the lines of communication open and be there for her. Eventually she will see his true colors again.

Carol - posted on 09/12/2009

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I have read most of the replies and you have some excellent advice. There is a little trick to getting the guy to leave her alone. I noticed that when my children had friends I didn't think were good for them I didn't have to worry because I would go full force on knowing the parents, no going to their homes unless I talked to the parents to make sure they were going to be there, curfews, grounding if curfews weren't met, etc. These restrictions always made the kids who were not raised with the same values to fall by the wayside. My daughter was taught in her girls only teenager class at church to look for red flags in a guy when dating him. Red flags are warning signs like keeping you from friends or family, criticising you about who you are, what you wear, your friends or anything. Red flags are also when he doesn't show up on time without good excuse, if he says he will call at a certain time and doesn't or when he doesn't keep his word. More serious red flags are cussing, drinking alchohol, smoking, doing drugs, wanting sex when if he really cared about you he would except no. There is something young girls do not understand and that is boys do not know how to love at that age. Ask her questions like in the advice from Dayna Grenvik. That will make her think about things more clearly than telling her what you think. You may also get to know your daughter better. Just make sure that the conversation is done in a quite atmosphere without anyone else around but you and her and without accusative tone. Our children just need to know that we love them unconditionally.

ANA - posted on 09/12/2009

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Wow!! Well I have twins that are 15 1/2.. Total opposites. One has been open about her relationships. I've talk to her about being independant and to be control of her wants. She is a smart kid but a smart ass too. She's a 4.0 student and achieves well in sports. I told her to find a "someone" that will challenge her and make her feel like a better person than she already is. She's had relationships with a nerd and a jock already. Of course she doesn't do the breaking up all the time. But she focuses on her goals. Keep your kid busy and trying different things with you. Make sure you introduce her to things before the "friends" or "boyfriend" does.So far its worked. Now the OTHER sister....aaahhhh she doesn't really share. She does come to me when she wants and shares. I try not too push to much. All she wants to do is have fun with anyone and doesn't care about things... what that means, not sure... kinda scared when she shares certain things. I try to be open minded and encouraging. Because if you say "no you can't" that means "yes go for it" So I try to hold my temper and judging back to keep her coming back to me. Just listen and give Advice and explain things out that helps her prepare for what may come.. Good Luck!!

Amanda - posted on 09/12/2009

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I only have small children, but speaking as a child who had a controling and abusive father. He treated my mom like crap and he was an adult...so im thinking what are the chances that a teenage boy has "changed" you have to protect your daughter. She has to value herself and you (her parents) have to be the ones to teach her that. She may be upset about it now, but abuse doesnt just happen to adults. I know its a Soap but General Hospital is actually showing a controling abusive boyfriend/girlfriend situation. Which I think is good to show people that it happens with kids too. Your # 1 priority is your daughters safety. I say No to the old boyfriend.

Doris - posted on 09/12/2009

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I am learning that kids have to make their own mistake. Meanwhile we can be praying parents.

Melissa - posted on 09/12/2009

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She can only group date. We were not going to allow her to "date" until she was 16, but that is just a few months away and now, the group dating will only continue. She is obviously not ready to handle things on her own.

All of these post have been helpful. Thanks to all.

We have told her that Dad would like to talk to him one on one and he is to come to the house so that can happen and dependant upon that conversation is dependant upon where the relationship will then go? I dont see him doing that? It has been a week now and he has put forth No Effort!

I also asked her what he DOES to make her happy and she cannot give me anything? She says she just cant explain it.

So we are just waiting now to see where things go from here.

Kelly - posted on 09/12/2009

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She's 15 years old and these are the most difficult years for her. I wish my mom would have drawn the line for me when I was your daughters age - I have SO many regrets still today at the age of 46. You need to be the mom, be her parent and put your foot down. YOU need to tell this guy how he affected your daughter in the past and for this reason, he is no longer allowed to see your daughter and next you need to go to his house, and face to face, with this boy there, tell his parents the same. This may sound harsh, but your daughters future is worth it. People who act like he did when he first was dating your daughter do not change, they just get worse. Be the mom! Good Luck :)

Karyn - posted on 09/12/2009

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first of all, my 15 y/o dtr did NOT date. not till she was 16, then only under Very controlled situations. my dtr has been built up and loved on sooo much by us, that she does not feel that she has to settle for anyone who treats her badly... and now, she doesn't. just build her confidence up to feel like she deserves the Best treatment from boys. if you bad mouth him, she might get rebellious towards you. make her Know that she does Not Need a Boy to make her worth something, that she is beautiful and worthy All on her Own. some girls think that they Need a boy to Be somebody- Wrong. she is freaking 15 !!! she has a Lifetime to date and have relationships. remind her of that - and tell her to Be a Kid while she Can!!!!!

Janet - posted on 09/12/2009

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At 15, she is going to consider that she knows all the answers, and forbidding her to see him will just make her want him even more. Plant good, kind seeds about her. Encourage her to make herself and her life a good safe place to be. Leave articles about domestic violence around for her to accidentally find. In other words, support her with all that you have, keep the communication doors open, but let her know that you can help if she finds herself in a place that she needs help. As a dv survivor myself, the most important thing for me was knowing people weren't looking down on me for staying as long as I did, but were congratulating for being strong enough to finally make the break.

Lydia - posted on 09/12/2009

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This phase is why I never wanted to have kids! I remember many of my friends going behaving that way with their boyfriends as teens (and some still do as adults). Its not always that the boy 'makes' her see less of her friends - it can also be that they make that decision for many different reasons. It hard to know the truth because its all relative to the individual (unless you have actually witnessed him actually controlling her?)



The only thing I will add is that control usually plays on low self esteem so instead of just communicating your concerns with her also make sure that her self esteem is high enough that she can walk if she feels she is not being treated as well as she deserves :)

Rachael - posted on 09/12/2009

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No and 15 is pretty young to start dating, or being in a bad relationship. Put your foot down mama! She needs to wait another year and find out who she is independently!

Molissa - posted on 09/12/2009

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NO, because I feel at the age of 15 they need to be focusing on her studies and not guys, don't get me wrong I am not a strict Mom but when you see responsibility and trust, then mayb. But why would you allow her to spend time with him again if he didn't know how to treat her right the first time, let her know she is better than that and the only one that can control her life right now is YOU and God, not any other man

Bonnie - posted on 09/12/2009

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I think that the best thing is to keep the lines of communication open. 15 is a really hard age. the more you push, the more she will pull. if it didn't work in the past, it won't work now. she needs to see that. But she also needs to know that your there for her NO matter what.....

I was also in an abusive relationship for 7 yrs. I suffered and my kids suffered, finally a yr and a half ago I had ENOUGH!!!, he got the ultimatum that he HAS to leave, and get help. I was not going to carry him thru, This was something that he had to do for himself and for his daughter(one we have together) I was not going to continue in a relationship where my children and I felt like we were afraid to breathe. to show the extent of his mental state. He was so wound up, that he broke in one night After days of stalking me and harrassing me and the kids, I got him charged and a restraining order against him. he let me be after that, he would not risk going to jail.

He sees his Daughter through court appointed supervised access, but that is the extent of it.

Andrea - posted on 09/12/2009

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You must stand your ground. She is not old enough to foresee where this is going. You can see it and you must take control. I have lived this and would plead with you to be strong and say No. She will be angry and she will resent you for it, but her future is more important than this temporary anger. When can she make her own decisions in these matters? Teens brains are not fully developed at 15 that is why we must still be the parent and protect them. It is harder now because they are trying to find their independence. My daughter is almost 20 now, but at about 19 she finally asked me, "what was I thinking" in regards to her ex boyfriend. This boyfriend took two years of her life and caused her emotional trauma and pain throughout. We had to get a no trespass order against him 2 times in that two years.

Dreama - posted on 09/12/2009

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Hi,

I am a mom of a 21 and 22 year old girls, and trust me I know what your talking about. First of all I wouldn't put up with it, my girls are my life I have chased 4 guys off and my daughter is 22. First of all the boy or man will never change. I am so strick in that area because I don't want to see my daughters have to put up with that I set them down and explain to them why, if they don't like it to bad because I will not set back and let a man or boy beat or controll or so on on my daughters. I have went as far as getting there phone numbers address's and if they drive there plate number I know it sounds funny that I do that but there are to many crazy things out there this day and time and if my daughter don't come home then I know where to start looking. My daughter was jus dating this one guy found out he had some bad baggage and I didnt want to see her taken down with him so I talked with her and told her why and of course she argued with me to the fact that she loved him and I thought oh no, So my husband and I gave her an option either us or you can move out with him but of course he didnt have a job or a car anymore so guess what she found a new boyfriend he treats her good has a job and his own place and he respects her. Our kids don't always like what we say and we sometimes don't always like what our kids say but the key is to listen to what they are saying and instead of getting mad, talk with them and explain your concerns even get articals and movies with that kind of stuff on them and let them read or watch it sometimes it will change there minds. Hope this helps

Louise - posted on 09/12/2009

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Leopards don't change their spots! I was this girl once and made the same decision to go back to someone controlling. It devastated my confidence, self-worth, ambition,etc. My parents could not have talked me out of it, but my best friend did. She made me realise that people you choose to love should enhance your life, not change it. Try tackling the problem by enlisting her friends. They probably feel the same as you do. Best of luck. Lu

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