Do you treat step-kid the same as your own?

Shannintipton - posted on 05/03/2011 ( 32 moms have responded )

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For all you step mothers out there. I have a question for you. Do you treat your step children the same as your own bio children? Please be honest. Shhhhh I wont tell. {:+)

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User - posted on 05/06/2011

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I don't treat my three kids the same, cuzz they are not! They are different people. I have to discipline my kids different, reward them different. They all have the same dad and he does, the if one gets one, everybody gets one! lol I don't. If this size is on sale, then that's what we get at that time. and most of the time everybody don't need the same things at my house. ex, socks, bookbags, ect. My oldest doesn't' carry a bookbag, so why buy her one just cuzz her little sister got one! When their half sister comes over, she wants nothing to do with me, she wants only her dad and siblings. And I know it's because her mom has brainwashed her, but as long as she is not disrespectful, then we cool. But she hates going to bed, she thinks she has to sleep with her dad or not go to bed when it's bed time. And I let him deal with that. That's his daughter, but since she gets to stay up, so do the other three, lol. He will learn, she may miss him but it's no excuse for rude behavior. So do I treat step kid the same as my own? I do the best I can with the situation at hand. She gets feed and privileges and everything else a child needs. But when she misbehave, I step back and let her dad deal with it. So to be truthful, yes. She's not mistreated, but her mom makes sure she won't look to me for motherly advice, or hugs.

Joellen - posted on 05/05/2011

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Difficult question to answer. I have three steps that live with us. I try very hard to treat them the same as I do my own but the middle child makes it very hard for me since she constantly tells the other 2 that I am nothing.... I have been the only Mom the youngest has known since the bio Mom disappeared several years ago and hasn't even so much as called to see how they are. I am afraid that since middle child feels that way, I will never be allowed to care for them the way I'd like to...

Angie - posted on 05/06/2011

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Iv never bin in that situation, but if i was in that situation i would definitely treat my step child as my own, as i would like my boyfriend to treat my son as his own, in which he does, My boyfriend ist my childs bio dad but treats him as his own, and bought him up as his own as his bio dad took of, and i couldn't appreciate it more, so ill treat my stepchild just how id expect my boyfriend to treat his, just like my own :)

[deleted account]

I agree with Jen. When I got together with my hubby he made it very clear that if I couldn't love his daughter like my own then there was no way we could be together. That just made me love and respect him even more.

You can still love a treat a teenaged stepchild like your own too. Who's to say your own children won't be horrid teenagers? Treating them the same does not necessarily mean being nice all the time - it means giving the same praises and discipline as you would to your own biological children. My parents had to discipline me when I was a teenager (granted, not that much... my big rebellion wasn't until I was 20 and married my hubby - lol) and they also disciplined my siblings the same. There was no favoritism and I think *that's* what "treating step-kids" the same means - no favoratism and any discipline is across the board.

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Shannintipton - posted on 05/06/2011

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Thank you Asia for your honesty. I like the part about them all being different people so you treat them as such. Way to go. {:+)

Shannintipton - posted on 05/06/2011

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I agree Holly, For that matter all teenagers are scary. IMO but I cant help think that it would only make it harder to be fair. My step mom stuck it out. I am so greatful for that. I dont have to worry about my dad being alone now that I a married with kids of my own. I dont know how she did. I was horrible. I feel so bad now and she is still nice to me. She know how bad I feel about it. I have told her sorry so many time. Even more now that I have kids of my own. I think your situation is great. Some of you moms have it so well put together. I am flying by the seat of my pants. I will get there though. Thanks for your input{:+)

Shannintipton - posted on 05/06/2011

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But what if you really love the guy and then the kid turns into . . . dun dun dun. . .A TEENAGER? {:+)

Shannintipton - posted on 05/05/2011

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Thanks Joellen for your honesty. It is a difficult situation. You married the father not the child. I was a holy terror for my poor step mom. I love her now. And my dad isnt alone because if she had left him, I would have been moved out with my own family. And there he would be all alone. I hope all goes well for you guys. {:+)

Wendy - posted on 05/05/2011

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Yes. Its not the kid or kids fault that they are put in these situations. All kids need to be loved by somebody....

Jane - posted on 05/04/2011

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Yep...my step daughter is now in her mid-20's but always treated her as my own!

Shannintipton - posted on 05/04/2011

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That sounds very healthy. Especially for the kids. Great to hear a story where there is more positive than bad. Thanks for the input {:+)

Jennifer - posted on 05/04/2011

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I met my husband 15years ago, I had three kids of my own, youngest was 18months old and he had two, same age as my oldest children. His ex stayed with us for 4years at on stage when she lost her job and had no were to go, I treat all my children the same, no difference between any of them, even my parents and his parents treat the children the same, we are a family and as the children do not ask to be there they were not the course of our breakups with our spouses and we always felt that children should not be pulled into any adult dissagreements. By giving your children the same sort of love and restrictions from both spouses and including the ex family and spouses and keeping your arguments away from the children you can have wonderful times with your children, step or not. We had a wonderful time with our eldest daughters wedding, including the ex family and friends shortly after a granny passed away. Today the children are enforcing the same princeples on their children.

Shannintipton - posted on 05/04/2011

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@ Jenny,
Yeah, it can be pretty rough. But we got through it. :)

Jenny - posted on 05/04/2011

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My stepparents and i get along pretty good now, I think because when my step sister got to be a teenager she was wild as a bat and my stepmother figured out I wasnt that bad, but I still have a lot of hurt feelings over the whole thing.

Shelagh - posted on 05/04/2011

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Absolutely and totally. My husband and I have 5 kids between us - two are mine, three are his. They're all grown up now, but were in their teens when we got together. It wasn't always easy, and different children need different things, but we always tried (and still try) to give to them equally. My parents also treat the 5 of them equally and are now extremely proud of their new step-great-grandchild.

Brenda - posted on 05/04/2011

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My bio mom passed away when I was 2 and I was adopted by my Aunt (my bio mom's sister) and Uncle. They are the only parents that I've known. They raised me along with 4 children of their own. I never believed that they treated me any differently from their own children, however now that I'm older, my Mom(Aunt) has said that she was harder on me at times than she was with the other kids because during the adoption process there was a custody battle with my other Aunt and I guess she was trying to prove herself more worthy of raising me. They have always considered me as one of their own, and they have never lied about who my bio parents were. However, with all that said, I was the one who didn't accept them. I couldn't accept the fact that my bio parents were gone, and didn't want to accept them as my parents. I was a very angry and rebellious little girl, and hard to get along with. So with that said, maybe they had no choice but to be a little harder on me. One thing I know for sure is that they truly love me as their own and always will. I have accepted them as my parents and we have a great relationship now.

Shannintipton - posted on 05/04/2011

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@ Carolyn
Me too. My mom left when I was four. And my poor dad did the best he could. He even let us choose the women he went out with until this one time. Thats when I became hateful. But she stuck it out and thank God she did. My dad is happy and not alone and I would be married with my own family. {:+)

[deleted account]

I also had a stepmom and was grateful for her cause my real mom walked out on my sister and I and left us with our dad. He raised us the best he could with the help of my step mom and even tho I am in contact with my real mom again I still consider my step mom to be my mom. She may not have given birth to me but she was the one there for me when I needed it the most.

[deleted account]

My husband is a step-father to my 2 children and from day one he has excepted them as his own and they even call him dad. We have our rough patches but it is all good in the end. Now we have a child of our own and nothing has changed. He treats all the kids equal and the 2 older children understand that a baby takes more care and help as well.

Shannintipton - posted on 05/04/2011

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@ Jenny,
I am really sorry. I dont know what to say. I had a step mom who I hated but now I love her and she me. It only took twenty years. Again I wish there was something I could say to be helpful. Good luck though. :)

Lisa - posted on 05/04/2011

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Yes you have to treat them the same because u chose to be there!!! I have 3 stepsons and i treat them just like i treay my kids! Holidays & birthdays included!!!

Jenny - posted on 05/04/2011

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I am a stepchild and I disliked both of my stepparents because they treated me very different from their own kids, i grew up feeling like i didnt have a place to belong, I wound up getting pregnant at 16 just so i could get out of the house, it was so cold and uncomfortable, now my husband is the stepparent and he does better with my son who was only 2 when we got together but horrible with my 16 year old, I feel like im in the middle all the time because at times i feel like they are both in the wrong, but I have a friend who is married again and their family gets along great, stepkids and stepparents

Sherri - posted on 05/04/2011

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In this case I am a step child. We were all treated exactly the same as bio children. I don't know how you could ever treat them differently especially if they live with you full time.

Sarah - posted on 05/04/2011

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I didn't have any children when I became a step parent, and didn't really know how I would have treated my own children. I followed my husband's example, and treated them the say way he did. I now realise he was very strict with them, and therefore so was I. When our children came along, I was much less strict with them, and made sure he was too. I regret treating the my step children differently, as they are now adults, and don't really want a lot to do with us. Our kids get away with so much more then they did.

Kelly - posted on 05/04/2011

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My partner and I both bring a child into our relationship. I have a son and he has a daughter. He is 18 months and she is nearly 2.My son lives with us but his daughter doesn't. We see her as much as possible and when we do see her she is treated exactly the same as what my son is. they get in trouble for the same things and they get rewarded for the same things. If one of them gets a present the other does too, although my son wont be getting presents on her birthday. But that's her day, he will get his soon. I don't know if it's easier to treat them the same because of their age, because there's no hard feelings from the children themselves. but all children need to be treated the same otherwise they grow up thinking theres something wrong with them. i would never dare treat her any differently than i would my son. that's just cruel. i wont even get any photos taken of us 3 without her there because she is a part of our little family too.

Shannintipton - posted on 05/04/2011

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Good for you. There are situation where it can be difficult at best. Sounds like you have it under control, {:+) Thanks for the input.

Priscilla - posted on 05/03/2011

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I try my best to treat my stepchildren the same as my child. I always keep in the back of my head, that they aren't just HIS kids, but that's my daughter's siblings. I wouldn't want anyone disrespecting my sister or brother and I dont want to disrespect my child's sibling either. It can be hard when you have a stepchild that is trying not to get attached to you, but I stay focused on being me and remembering that this is a long process that may never end.

Amanda - posted on 05/03/2011

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It did. Thank you :) I still struggle with the fear that there will always be those differences. My son doesn't know bio-dad and is getting to the age where I have to explain that "dad" isn't his biological father. We've hinted that dad is Mexican, he is Black, and he and his sister are 1/2 each and 1/2 white.... that has been difficult though because my son's skin color is the exact golden beige of "dad" and my daughter has the same clear/pasty white skin tone I have.

This is a great topic because there are so many different ways a relationship can unfold in blended families *meaning step-parents* and so many different feelings that so many feel are taboo to discuss!

Shannintipton - posted on 05/03/2011

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@ Amanda,

I cant help but think this would be normal. I think it could be hard for the child to understand and maybe feel the same way. I hated my step mom but she stuck it out and now I am all grown up and he isnt alone. He even has two kids with my step mom. Whom I love dearly now. . . twenty years later. {:+)



edit: I hope this makes sense. I am trying to feed and put my kids to bed.

Amanda - posted on 05/03/2011

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In my situation I am the bio-mom and my finacee is the step-parent. I have a 6 1/2 year old son from a previous relationship and an almost 2 year old daughter from this relationship. Honestly, this has been a long road for our family. Step-dad has been in the picture since he was a little over 2. The first two years he was called by his first name, and then my son started wanting to call him "dad".

I literally had to argue with DH that we were engaged and he was the only father figure my son had ever known, we lived together, and in all respects he was "dad". Every once in awhile my son will still call him by his first name, but most of the time it is "dad" now. Their relationship changed for the better after our daughter was born, but there are still differences. I feel like it is because he isn't biological and she is, but maybe it is just a boy/girl thing. Hands down DH spoils his baby girl and I feel like he still will pick on our son. I feel like he has unrealistic expectations of him for his age and rides him for ridiculous reasons. At the same time when he introduces us (his family) he ALWAYS says "my son".

Shannintipton - posted on 05/03/2011

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That is so great to hear because I wonder sometimes. Good for you and YOUR daughter{:+)

[deleted account]

100% :)

My stepdaughter lives with us full time and has since the begining of the split (her mother left). I came into the picture about 6 months later and I've been with her and my hubby ever since. In my opinion she is MY daughter and most people don't even know she's my sd.

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