Does anyone out there have a High Needs Child, and how are you handling them?

Irene - posted on 12/10/2008

I sympathize with everyone. My high maintenance child is now 10 years old. He is beyond spirited, he can be "explosive" Imagine explosive rage syndrome in a 3 year old child, we're talking 3 hour-room destroying temper tantrums!!!!!! And of course people whose children don't act like this don't understand- IT IS NOT THE PARENT'S FAULT! You have to find (through trial and error) what works for you and your child, even if it is unorthodox and others don't approve. Trust me I've had a lot of dissaproving looks and head shaking, in my house "going shopping" is a punishment and a real quick cure for the "I'm bored, there's nothing to do" They find something to do in a hurry to avoid shopping (I have 2 boys). Trust your instincts and do what is right for YOUR family and the saving grace is that high needs kids are usually very smart. Why is it that the traits we look for in our leaders and high up business people(perseverence, strong will,stick to itivness, head strong) are not the the traits we want in our children??????My doctor pegged him real early, she said your early years and going to be hell but if he chanels it well he will be very successful, and so far he is. I also recommend finding a really good martial arts program(one that focuses on character developement) it has been a godsend!

Shannon - posted on 12/10/2008

I don't have a lot of time to go on and on about my high needs 5 year old but it's been a long journey. I will recommend a book that I live by and that is Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. This book really changed the way my husband and I approach parenting him and how we interpret his behavior. Some days are just plain exhausting and still, I can't imagine my life without him in it. Extended family aren't always understanding and sometimes we feel alone. If you need to vent or want ideas, or whatever...I'm here for you.

Trish - posted on 12/04/2008

It is good to hear that other moms are and have had these experiences. My daughter wants and DEMANDS my attention all day long. I barely have time for a shower everyday let alone getting any house work done. My partner(aka Dad) is a truck driver who is gone all week, and is really quite useless to me(sorry to sound so harsh) either because he can't deal with my daughter or she won't have anyone but me. It is beyond draining. Not too mention my oldest is caught in the crossfire. My husband and I do argue alot, and he would be completely happy if she went for a time out or that I just ignored her behaviour, and we argue about this all the time. As far as me time, I have one friend that I trust with my children and I know she can handle my daughter, so it is next to impossible for me to take a break. My daughter is very demanding, cries alot when you say no or don't respond to her immediately, she also is not sleeping through the night, it is getting better, but she still gets up at least 3 times per night. She is also a hitter and a bitter when she gets upset.And as far as daycare it would be to traumatic for her and I would not do that to a daycare provider or the other children right now. I have found and ordered a book titled "the Fussy Baby Book", it is written by Dr.s William and Martha Sears, they had a High Needs baby and wrote this book, it is supposed to be the be all end all in helping with coping between the ages of birth to 5years of age, we will see. Good luck to all, and keep writing. Thank you Cassandra for all the ideas. Well that is my little break, take care all.

Cassandra - posted on 12/04/2008

Hi my name is Cassie and I have been married for 22 years now and have had 2 "high needs children" one is now 21 and one is 13....There is light at the end of the tunnel! reading all these stories really takes me back...especially when you talk about being blamed for your child's difficulties! I am going to throw some advice out there that I hope really helps:

1. You as a mom are the one who KNOWS your child...better than anyone else! If you notice things about him/her that are different and are unique,Dont let anyone else diminish in your mind what you know to be true about them. Dont let them blame you or tell you you are just being over protective. It may sound hard and I am not saying to argue with others...But...Stay firm in your beliefs! Beleive it or not this IS very important for your own peace of mind

2. keep a record of the things you notice that are different and are challenges...once you get into the school age years you will be asked specific dates and issues...TRUST ME...you feel alone in all this but you are not MANY other parents and children have had these challenges and more... so teachers and other professionals are familiar with it.

3. I made the mistake of putting my first child in a private school thinking that he would get more help there instead of a public school........I regret that......My second has always been in public and my first spent his last 8 years in public.....which proved to be much more professionally prepared to handle high needs in every way.

4. You will be your childs biggest and best advocate throughout his/her life most especially during educational years...And at times it may feel like you are venturing out there alone.....But when you have to walk into a school/daycare and work out a situation that's going on with your child remember you have every right as the parent to be there, to question, to observe ,to give ideas, to ask for meetings and ask for adjustments to be made for your child especially if they have a diagnosis and/or enter special education (which isn't always your child in one class all day long) there are many many ways schools can assist you, if your child has special needs.

5. be involved...be involved....be involved

6. Become informed

7. Make time for yourself and your marriage (if this applies) having high needs children also means high stress and it's true that it can feel that you are the only one who can handle your child or who understands....however it is vitally important that you find people you can trust and feel that your child is safe with so that you can have time out for yourself. You will be much better off for it and thus be a better parent for it!

Leanne - posted on 12/04/2008

My son is Special Needs which would include being high needs. What challenges are you facing?

Lindsay - posted on 12/04/2008

My high needs son is about to turn 6 years old. He has been the classic case from two weeks old. When he was 2.5 we tried putting him in great little preschool, but he couldn't stay because he was biting everyone, including the teachers. They were great to help me deal with it and we tried again six months later. He did well the second time. Each time I try to introduce him to some new developmental milestone (potty training for example), he tries, but it's often too much, so we try again in a few months and it goes much better.

The main feature for my son is that he is VERY PERSISTENT about pushing the envelope rules. Everyday he tests me to see if all the house rules are still in effect. It's exhausting. And I loose my temper sometimes. My husband and I have an understanding that when I can't take it anymore, I can turn him over to Dad. If we were not good partners on this parenting adventure, it would be going VERY badly indeed.

Timeout's aren't very effective with my son. I find taking a toy and putting it in a box until he earns it back to be much more effective for him. But I do put him in his room to cool off when he looses his cool. He needs five minutes to stop screaming and stomping his feet so we can talk. But My three year old who has a much more reasonable temperment responds well to timeouts. You need to figure out what is important to a child and use that to get the behaviour you want. And Dad needs to get on board with it or you are screwed.

Amanda - posted on 12/04/2008

Same here. My son is 18 months, never "diagnosed" high needs, but very sensitive to all things(teething, noises, etc). He is generally happy, and maybe I am way off base on the "high needs" part. However, I stay at home with him. I can't even imagine him in a day care setting. A whole lotta crying is all I can see. My husband has left everything up to me. Feeding, sleep, general amusement. We fight all of the time. He thinks I made my son "high needs", and that it is because he is spoiled. The kid still wakes up every 2 hours at night. We have tried everything-cry it out, rocking, etc. It is killing us. What is your particular challenge? Would love to hear more.