Does being a mother stop when they turn 18?

Jeannette - posted on 07/19/2010 ( 217 moms have responded )

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When your kids become adults, does being their mother stop? What can you do when your kids are making big mistakes in their lives that includes grandchildren? Are you supposed to turn off the caring and let them continue on bad life paths? What is a mother to do? My daughter is working on her fourth relationship and the men she chooses just keep getting worse. She's dragging her 4 children through these horrible relationships as well. And yes, it is affecting them in a negative way. Help!

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Stina - posted on 07/19/2010

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All my friend/mentors who have adult children say that you never stop being a mother. You never stop worrying. You never stop being there when they call for help.

As a young Mom who's own mother has gone from giving advice when I didn't want it to only giving advice/help when I ask for it, I can tell you we get along a lot better now than when I was 18. 10 years of time and growth may have helped that process though.

I'm sorry that your dd is making such bad choices- especially with children in the picture. So long as the children aren't being neglected or abused, the best thing you can really do is let go. It's not that you stop caring- it's just that you cannot control her. She's an adult and she is going to do what she wants- so you'll just make yourself sick trying to get her to see sense. By taking a step back, you can let her know you are still available if she needs to talk or whatever, but she won't have you to rebel against any more either because any advice you give her, she probably resents right now.

If the negative way your grandkids are being affected is abuse- as in they are being abused or neglected, call CPS.

Tracy - posted on 07/24/2010

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Being a mother NEVER stops. I have a 20 yr old daughter that just moved back home again. She has no motivation to do anything with her life. She has always been handed everything to her. Yes, from me but also from others. Reality is now showing his head to her and she is running with no where to go. Her choices in men are getting worse. She now has rules again, which she if fighting every step of the way. But its my house so MY rules. I've told her I don't have to support her. When she turned 18 and moved out to pretend she was adult, and reality smacked her in the face, she had no place to go where did she end back up at?? Moms house. So rules have changed now. If she is not in the house by 12, she is out until I get up in the morning. No company allowed. I don't want her friends in my house, some of her choices in friends are not good either. She has to do her own laundry. And laundry day is on Sunday. If she can't do it on Sunday then she doesn't have any clean clothes until next laundry day. If she is not home when supper is done she doesn't eat. My house is not a 24hr diner. She is supposed to be getting a job and trying to get her GED, which she has done neither. So rules change again. She is not allowed to use any of my things EX: make-up, shampoo, hair dryer, curling iron, and such. If she doesn't have a job why would she need these things, so she can run??? NOT IN MY HOUSE!! MY HOUSE MY RULES!! Don't ask for money, if you had a job you would have money and would have money to pay me back if she borrowed it. She has tried to get away with things but I have to stand my ground. But the day she quit school, moved out and "played adult" all mommy things were over. We are now adults and to be treated as such. To get privileges back she now has to prove herself, and doing something one time doesn't count. She has to be consistent. I won't turn her away, yet. I myself made mistakes when I was young, but I did graduate, I did work, at her age. But when I moved out of my mothers house I was not allowed to come back. You may think I'm a hard cold mother, but my daughter still comes to me and tells me everything, and I do mean everything. I still meet all her friends even her boyfriends, and they come to me about everything. Why, you ask? I'm straight up HONEST with them. I don't sugar coat a thing. I tell them the cold hard facts. I do things with them. I help them with there problems and try to help them make better decisions. Just because you turn 18 doesn't make you an adult. Its where your mind is. These kids now a days don't have know one but themselves. Parents don't get involved with their children, don't do things with their children. I'm having conversations with their children that they need to be having. We have to show and talk to our children what they need to know. Just like parents don't have a handbook, neither do children. 90% of what children learn they learn from other kids. That 10% I want to make sure my kids get the truth from me!! I will always be a mother, that is something even the government can't take away. When she is 50 and I'm 70 she will have children of her own, I will still be a mother and most likely a GRANDMOTHER!!

Berneice - posted on 07/24/2010

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You could have a heart to heart talk with her. but when they are adults they will do what they want. You have to go to her and show real concern. Lots of prayer too.You will never stop being a mother until you or all your childtren pass away. I have 3 daughters. They don't live as strict as I live or they were taught to live. I don't mention it to them. But my husband and I live like we did when the girls were under our roof. They are adults at 18 and all you can do wait and watch and be supportive if they need help. Try not to be judgemental. that is a big turnoff to most people including our children.

Veronica - posted on 07/24/2010

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No, we still have a responsiblity to our children to parent them no matter what age they are. My son is 28 and he has made some bad decisions that we have had to discuss as well. He has not always liked what I have had to say but has come to respect it when he comes out of the fog. Tell your daughter that it is important to protect her children because there are men out there that prey on children (I work in law enforcement and know about these predators). Ask her about implementing a 3-6 month rule where she dates a guy for 3-6 months without exposing her children to these men of hers this way she gets a chance to see what they are like first. That way the kids don't get attached and when they turn out to be duds she's the only one to get hurt this protects the children further if the guys are just plain creeps without telling her she's a bad mother. Tell her that you will be happy to watch your grandchildren when she's on a date. Hope this helps.

Fluffy - posted on 07/24/2010

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There are always exceptions to the rules. If you were not fortunate enough to have consistently loving and supportive parents who were emotionally well, then there are bound to be some problems that will come up. I strongly urge counseling, a support group, and the books of Alice Miller, beginning with THE DRAMA OF THE GIFTED CHILD: The Search for the True Self. It was true, we needed our mother's when we were children, but if they are not up to the task of being decent human beings, we don't need them now. We have choices now. We can choose to surround ourselves with emotionally well people now. I commend those grandmothers who are raising their grandchildren. You are heroes. Being resentful and angry with your children will not help the situation. Focus on the here and now, and how you will best benefit your grandchildren.

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Jennifer - posted on 07/24/2010

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iv been there and told my dau 2 stop or i will phone well fare now i have my grandau 2 she is 16 i love my dau but put the kids 1st

Diana - posted on 07/24/2010

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Jeannette... I am so sorry to say that your daughter is a "grownup" and there is nothing you can do but support her when
she really messes up and goes to you for help. I know how you feel since I have a 24 year old that is on her second relationship and does not listen..It's very hard to stand back and watch them fall...I know the pain. Ask God to help her, and pray, pray and pray for her.

Jessie - posted on 07/24/2010

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I am 25, my son just turned 1, and my mother is still always fussing over me. If I drive to visit someone 30 minutes away, I have to call her when I arrive and when I leave and arrive back home. I doubt she'll ever stop worrying and I know I never will about my son (I am sometimes considered over paranoid in his case, wonder where I get that from!?) As far as your grandchild are concerned please help them if you can. My mother and I have a good relationship now but it has not always been this way. When I was a teen (15) she had one of those men in our life. He was bad news and that's the only way to put it. The man RUINED my teen years and my life at that time and my younger siblings lives. She basically chose him and his beliefs over us. I ended up going to live with my dad (and staying for over 6 months-she didnt think I would) My dad got legal custody of me during that time and was working on getting my brother also (our little sister has a different father) before she realized her bf was ruining our lives. She got rid of him, I moved back home to be with my siblings and what do you know? the boyfriend came back. back and forth for a few more years to be honest and played hell in our lives. I graduated high school and moved out. eventually after one break up the bf got a restraining order ( my mom ended up in the mental ward for a week because of this and other things ) and they stayed broken up. If you can believe it he still pops up in our lives 10 years later and tries to cause trouble. He reported my mom to the police for sending him and email virus from her old email account. It ended up being one of those worm viruses or whatever you call them that sends itself to your contact list... this was just a few months ago so that shows how much 1 crappy bf can cause trouble let alone several! She has apologized to all of us and told her current bf in front of us (theyve been together a few years) that she would never make a choice between him or us because we come first and she made that mistake before. I like this guy she sees now (and he loves my son) but I am still watchful because my sister is now the 15 year old having to deal with him because my brother (21) and I aren't at home anymore and the past will never completely go away. If those kids needs help or to be taken away from her, be there for them.

Joanna - posted on 07/24/2010

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Is she using the children to get what she wants from you? If not, then you do need to step back and wait for her to approach you. The only thing you really have control of is the home you allow her to live in rent free. I know you love your daughter and want the best for her and the children, especially keeping a roof over their heads. BUT, it is not the real world to not pay rent/morgage for the place you live in. If a man lives there with her, then a rent needs to be paid. You do not need to be supporting him. It is not your responsibility to enable his bad behavior. If he loves your daughter, he will understand and help out, if he refuses, he is just a louse looking for a place to flop until something better comes along. She needs to realize a man is not the answer to her problems, getting her self-esteem back is. Try to find positive things about her and reinforce these where ever you can. Sometimes the smallest things are the loudest in our hearts. Be strong and always be there for the grandkids even if your daughter doesn't appreciate it.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/24/2010

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Hardly - you are a mom forever. Someone forgot to write a manual, you care, you support when asked. I do not like my one son is a solder in the army, but I support. You can not pick their lives - but be there to help pick up the pieces when you can. I have 4 sons - one overseas, one across the country, one living about 30 minutes away and the last one moved back home. I support when I can, be the ear when needed. You love, you support, you care. Keep your thoughts positive. You can not pick the men / women your children choose for a partner or friend.

Carol - posted on 07/24/2010

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Being a mother never stops. I have 4 grown children (2 are steps) and am raising 2 of my grandkids. 1 of my daughters is also living with us because after 15 years of abuse from a man we tried to convince her not to marry she finally woke up. I have another daughter that has lost all 4 of her kids, 1 we have custody of and the other 3 to CPS. I had to learn to step back and let this one make her mistakes and not get "sucked into" the drama. Even after losing her kids she has made the choice to continue her lifestyle. I was a very rebellious child and did a lot of things that my parents didn't approve of and my kids have done the same thing. My parents gave their input but I did what I wanted to. The daughter who lives with us is still making some questionable choices. I have given my input and she makes her own decision. She is learning (she's 37) that Mom seems to be seeing things she doesn't, but not until after the fact. She is also coming to the realization that maybe she should take more heed in what I say and is learning to ask what I think and step back and apply what I have said. This has now prevented her from getting further involved with yet another man who, although on the surface seems to be the most gentle and sweet man, is horribly emotionally abusive. One of the phrases I have been using with her is "I want more than that for you. You deserve better" This has let her know I care about her foremost. It is wonderful that you live so close to your daughter and the children have a safe place to go if things turn sour. I think all we can do is offer our advice and be there to pick up the pieces when things go badly.

Christina - posted on 07/24/2010

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You never stop being a mother. You never turn off the caring. When they become adults, we just have to parent in different ways.
I am a mother of 4. 19, 16, 10 & 6. Of course I parent the 6 year old different than the 19 year old. I've raised my 19 year old, now it's time for him to live his life. This doesn't mean that I won't offer him advice (wanted or not) but I have to let him learn from his own mistakes.
Of course, at this point there are no grandchildren yet so I can't speak from experience on that issue. My opinion is this. If it's repeated behavior that is physically harmful or mentally harmful to your grandchildren you have every right to speak up. Recently, a (maybe soon to be relative) came to me with this problem in reverse. She told me her mother tries to run her life and tell her how to raise her children. She's 34. I sympathized with her and thought her mom was overbearing, controlling and a little bit crazy. Of course, I only got one side of the story.

Since then, I've learned the mother has a very good reason to be in her daughters business as the adult daughter has made one bad choice after another concerning her children. Your adult daughter is benefitting from you by living rent-free. I'm sure in other ways too. You probably babysit and contribute to her family & other things you've not gone into. I hope she appreciates you as a mother. It doesn't sound to me as if you're being nosey or controlling, just concerned.

Patricia - posted on 07/24/2010

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NEVER, BEING A MOM NEVER STOPS. YOU CONTINUE BEING MOM LONG AFTER YOUR LIFE HAS ENDED. I HAVE EXPERIENCED THIS WITH MY GRANDMOTHER, SHE LIVES FOREVER IN MY HEART, AND IT'S THE SAME WITH KIDS. THEY WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR BABIES AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THEIR MOM. IT'S JUST THE LAW, AND THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT :) .

Becky - posted on 07/24/2010

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Being a mother never stops even when they grow up and pass away.Sometimes you have to let make mistakes but be there when they need you.They will always need you in a different way than when they did when they were little.Love they,guide them,hold them up,pray for them.

Tammy - posted on 07/24/2010

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No, being a mother dosen't stop when your child/children turn 18. Being a mother will never end. Your kids will always be your kids no matter how old they are they will always need you in one way or another and you will always be there for them. You will always protect and defend them even when they have children of their own. You just don't try to control them or their lives. Just let them know they are their own person and if they need anything at all just ask.

Cheryl - posted on 07/24/2010

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No it doesn't stop, if anything I have found the desire to protect them from harm seems to grow stronger. It's our nuturing nature. As for what can you do when you see big mistakes in the making, is be there for them, be there to hear them and advise them if they ask for advice. As for your daughters situation, my heart goes out to you......that is a hard row to hoe as they say. Honestly I don't know how to advise you there. Is it possible to get the children into your care to provide stability? I'm sure your heart is so divided on what you want to do with this situation. Is there a reason why she is going into these relationships, like lack of confidence? I'm trying to think outside the box and how I might be in that kind of situation....why would I be doing this to myself and to my children. Not easy! See about having more contact with your grandchildren, let them know that life isn't all about what they have been seeing and hopefully you can provide them with sound basis and stability. Sorry I could not be more helpful. Will pray for you and your daughter and her children.

Diana - posted on 07/24/2010

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You are always a mother until the day you die. When they become adults and make mistakes, you can give advice but then walk away. They need to learn from their mistakes on their own. Just be there for them when they fall.

Patti - posted on 07/24/2010

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Once a mom, always a mom! I am a mother of two sons, now 23 and 24 They both are making decisions that I don't agree with. I express to them how I feel, and then try to drop it. It is difficult. I always try to keep the lines of communication open. I pray for them a lot! Then I have to remember that I made my share of mistakes, and often made my parents sad with my choices. Be there for her and help her in any way that you can, any way that is welcomed by her. Be involved in your grandchildren's lives, Write them letters, send them cards, let them know that you are there for them as well! If you can, do things with them, talk to them on the phone. Most of all, if you believe in the power of prayer, if you believe in Jesus Christ, then plead the blood of Jesus over each loved one and each situation. If you can, determine why she keeps getting in relationships with less than desirable men. Choose your words very carefully. Don't tell her what she "needs" to do. Speak positive words over her, words of affirmation. Encourage her, don't put her down. Ask God to intervene!

Linda - posted on 07/24/2010

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as ali says if they are too bad your health suffers as mine did recently-i have to have time out from mine as the stress caused it.

Alli - posted on 07/24/2010

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If your daughter's problems keep you from taking care of YOURSELF, then it is 100% OK to let her fly solo for a while. With my older sister my mother had to deal with everything from bad relationships, drug abuse, rehab, and even arrests. When she forgot to take care of herself her marriage started to crumble, her health TANKED, and even now after the storm is over she has anxiety/blood pressure problems. Once she finally "let go" my sister only came to her when she was at her wit's end and things finally started to work out.

I'm 22 years old now & having my first child with my partner whom I've been with for 5 years. Without my mother I have NO idea how we'd get through this. Sometimes I think she's being nosy, but in the end her help is invaluable.

So what does this all mean? If it's a lost-cause then take a step back, but if you really feel like you can help then go for it. As an adult child, I can honestly say I appreciate everything my mother has done, even if it took me a while to realize it. Parenthood does NOT stop at age 18 for most people, even with the most independent children. Whatever choice you make NO ONE can or should hold it against you.

Allison - posted on 07/24/2010

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I'm the mother of six children ranging in age from 27 to 4 and I can tell you that you never stop caring for your children, and you never stop worrying. All you can do though, is give them a strong foundation and let them make their own choices...the old roots and wings thing. I'm 47 and I still talk to my mother several times a week. Sometimes I'm seeking advice...I don't always do as she suggests, but I do listen to her and appreciate her input. Your daughter has to make her own mistakes, and as long as there is no abuse or neglect going on, you should give advice when she asks for it and keep your mouth shut when she doesn't...and above all, be there for her when she needs you to be...and I'm not talking about money or material things, she needs to take care of that on her own...parents who constantly bail out their children financially are doing them a disservice...I mean just be there for her when she needs an ear or a shoulder. I hope everything works out for your daughter and her family.

Rita - posted on 07/24/2010

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A mom never stops being a mom. We are our children's parents forever. I suggest you give your daughter advise the best you can and hope that she takes the advise to heart.

Margaret - posted on 07/24/2010

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Since depression is quite often genetic, it may be part of her problem. These 'men' may be the only type she thinks can like her.

You also have the possible solution of making HIM pay rent. You only allow your daughter and her kids to live rent free and he was not part of the agreement. She may decide to move, but I am sure your oldest gk will let you know where they are. And if her finances are so bad that she NEEDS rent free housing, she will be back.

I have 3 adult kids, one a single parent, and we financially support her as she just graduated from college (paid her own way with grants, etc.!) but has yet to find a job.

Vicki - posted on 07/24/2010

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NOPE!!!!!!! Once a mom always a mom. Just ask MY mom. There were 5 of us, we all got married, had kids,(which spent as much time as possible with grandma) and now our kids are grown up or are in the process of growing up and have children of their own. But every one of us, and I am almost 60, still go to our parents for advice or just to have someone listen..Being a grandma I have found out, is really just like another moma that the kids can go to and get advice. If they take it, that is their choice. Unfortunately I have a step-daughter that does the same thing as your daughter. I don't even try to keep up with all her boyfriends and husbands.. But since she is over 18 and makes her own choices,and only calls when she has hit bottom again,we can only be there to help her back up again. But usually 3 strikes and you are out. I don't mean of our lives, I mean, you will just have to figure out how to get up on your own.But the one thing my husband and I do, is CONSTANTLY keep in touch with our grandkids. She has 2 kids and they have been thru the wringer, especially the 10 year old. However, her dad and his wife have had her since she was 2 and her stepmom could not love her any more if she was her own. For that we are so grateful.But she knows that grandma and papaw are hear to listen to her, if it is to scream, cry or laugh. We call them every week, sometimes more if we get an SOS from her step-mom. Sometimes she will only talk to me. (Alll kids need that one person that they can go to and vent or just get a hug when they can't or are unable to talk to their parents.)My kids went to my sister and her kids always came to me. The same for grandkids. All you can do is be there for them. And if you think they are in danger, then you may have to make very hard choice. We did.So be prepared to back up your advice to your daughter.and realize that you may have to make a hard decision in the future concerning her and her kids.Hopefully she is young and still has time to pull it together. That is what we pray for with our daughter.But you also have to remember, the children are her's, not your's so tread lightly!No mom wants to be told how to raise her own kids.Even tho they may need advice on it.I was the oldest of 5 and had babysat all my life. So a child or baby was not a stranger to me.UNTIL, I had my own. Then everything I knew just left my brain!So I sure was glad that my mom was there and is still here to help me when I need it.

CORINNE - posted on 07/24/2010

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I hate to say this but I think that is a VERY SILLY question. Motherhood NEVER ends. You ARE and ALWAYS will be a mother to your children. Your roll as a mother may change as your kids grow up and child support issues may end at 18 but being a Mom is a lifetime roll. I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is making poor decisions when it comes to her relationships. You should step in and have a serious heart to heart with her since it is effecting your grandchildren. It's a very sticky situation because she's an adult.

Margaret - posted on 07/24/2010

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From their first cry until your last breath, you are a Mom, and sometimes all you can do is stand back and let them FUBAR.
If things are as bad as you seem to think, you might want to try to figure out a way to get at least temporary custody of the kids, and have the courts mandate a parenting class or two for their Mom before she can get them back.

Rachel - posted on 07/24/2010

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Once a mother always a mother. When they turn 18 they are adluts and you have no say in they lives unless they ask. If they children are being neglected I would call the athorities to make sure they are getting the right guidence and care. I know it is tough, but there is nothing you can do for your daughter, except PRAY. This is called tough love and it is tough.

Margaret - posted on 07/24/2010

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From their first cry until your last breath, you are a Mom, and sometimes all you can do is stand back and let them FUBAR.
If things are as bad as you seem to think, you might want to try to figure out a way to get at least temporary custody of the kids, and have the courts mandate a parenting class or two for their Mom before she can get them back.

Holly - posted on 07/24/2010

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I have been married 35 years with two adult daughters and no you never stop being a mother. Your daughter does need to live her life and we do need to allow them to make their own mistakes. BUT and a very BIG BUT if you and your husband are taking care of her living expenses and being supportive of your grandkids there does reach a point where she needs to step up and be responsible. You will always care and love her and her family but I do feel there is something missing when a mother cannot see that her children need to be first and she needs to make better decisions. I guess I am more old school about allowing men to live with her children until there is a very serious commitment made. I have had my daughter and grandaughter live with me without overnights from boyfriends. I am more than happy to babysit if she goes away for the weekend etc. but I think the home should be a safety zone for the kids and not a nest for mommy and her latest. As far as your depression no one can predict what medical condition we may acquire so no sense blaming yourself that she witnessed an illness that is part of being in a family the good and the bad. Good Luck!

Sherry - posted on 07/24/2010

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No, you don't stop being Mom. You will always love and worry about your kids no matter how are they are. I have kids 21 and 18 and I still want to know where they are keep in touch. They are always your babies, and I love them with all my heart.

Patty - posted on 07/24/2010

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I feel like most of them on here do, you never stop being a mother. My kids are 31 & 34 and I still worry about them everyday. Try to tell her in a calm way how you feel and that you will be there if she or the the kids need you. Ask her if she can see what it is doing to the kids. Then ask her if there is anything you can do to help her. I wish you the best of luck, I know how it is when families are stressed like yours.

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try talking to her calmly and letting her see how this is affecting her children. You cant choose her bf's for her but maybe open her eyes to how her choices are hurting her children. I myself have made poor choices in the relationship arena. I myself have made bad choices in the relationship arena and thankfully my children are more important to me than anyone in this world so I made the proper changes but some people dont see beyond their own selfish needs and wants which is very sad and in the development of children, long term psychological problems can occur from this and stunt their mental growth. But in your daughters defense sometimes she has to learn on her own as far as relationships. Is she aware that this is hurting her children? Maybe suggest not introducing the new man in her life to the children until she is somewhat sure it is going to be a stable relationship so that they dont see men in and out of the picture. Do not back her into a corner because then she will get defensive and wont hear anything you have to see period. Maybe get her a self help book on unhealthy relationships and the effects it has on childrens cognitive, social and psychological growth.

Myra - posted on 07/24/2010

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I am hoping that you are a believer and that you are still praying for your daughter and protection over her children. A mothers prayers have a large presence in protection and that even though she may be on a downhill slide again, your prayers and caring will carry her through if she happens to hit bottom. It is such a crazy world now and people need to know that they are loved. Sometimes they are so blinded that they will take any attention over no attention. We never ever should stop caring and if we are good parents, we wont. Pray ernestly everyday that she will find her way and that the Lord will lead her through this. I will be praying also. May the Lord bless you all.

Diana - posted on 07/24/2010

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No, you continue to care, but there is only so much we can do. Each of us has lessons to learn in life, experiences that teach,and reach inside each individual. Each individual in the relationship is getting something to carry with them through life.( Not everything we carry is pleasant.) You can give your daughter good advice FROM YOUR HEART,but her decisions are her own. As a mother we still need to be there for our children no matter how old they are,or how little we can do for them. Let go and let God, He knows the way...

Tina - posted on 07/24/2010

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Never stop Caring show them as much Love as you can and just pray for her to make the right decision but what ever her decision is then that is the decision and you need to just show her that she will always have your Love and support no matter what and just keep praying the love of a mother never goes away My mother and I went through difficult times we did not see eye to eye alot one year my mom wrote me a letter that told me know matter what she will always Love me and always be there for me and no matter what mistakes I make she will always be there to support and help me and through life if I ever felt that she didnt love me she just wanted me to know that she always loved me and always will and that when I was born I was her pride and joy even when I thought not anyways we got along better and unfortunatley she passed in 2004 and I miss having someone to talk to and luckily for me I have her mom my grandma when I need someone to talk to so just be there for her through thick and thin............Love her unconditionally and show her and alot of prayers.....

Louise - posted on 07/24/2010

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My 'kids' are now 28, 18 and 16 and they have to learn. It's hard watching them learn sometimes when you see the falls about to happen but as parents of adults I find it best to let them come to me when they need me, and they do and it's brilliant. As far as your daughter and her relationships, let her make her mistakes. I'm sure you are a solid base for her children to connect with x

Susyn - posted on 07/24/2010

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I think the rule is don't introduce your kids to boyfriends until you are sure it is heading into permanence. Too confusing for kids. But giving advice to adult children can just end up in anger and resentment. You may have to back off.

My 22 yr old daughter has moved back home 3 times. Often she resents me, though it's her choice to live here. Sometimes I resent her and her boyfriend and active social life. Mostly, when she's here we enjoy each other. Still has to let me know if she's coming home at night, like any roommate.

My son will be 18 soon, but has special needs and emotional issues. He can't drive and I am unsure how to help him become more independent. Dealing with his issues are constant. Help!

Christine - posted on 07/24/2010

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AS a mother who has and is still watching her child, stay with a man who is not good for her.You never stop being a mother, but unfortunately, all you can do is calmly advise them. be there to support her, at that age they have a mind of there own and think they know best. But us as mothers can see what they are doing and who they are hurting. I am sorry i cant tell you things will get better, hopefully in time she will grow and find her right path in life, but for now mum just love her as you always have.If things are getting to negative for your grand children and you truley believe they are in halms way then you will have to intervene

Leah - posted on 07/24/2010

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No you never stop being a mother. I have nine children, five daughters and four sons ranging in ages from 39 down to 16. I am a strong believer in the saying "In order to keep your children you have to let them go". I have been very lucky really, so far they have all turned out ok. Once they turn 18 they make their own decisions as well as their own lives. They all know that I am here for them and that they can come home anytime. I also have eight grandchildren and one great grandchild. I actually think that I worry more about them now that they are adults than when they were little. all I can suggest is that you just be there when your daughter falls, pick her up, dust her off, tell her you love her and let her go again. Just be there for the grandchildren and let them know that your door is always open for them.

Jennifer - posted on 07/24/2010

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You are so right, good or bad, right or wrong. God gave you that life to love unconditionally forever. You gave them life forever bonding you.

Jennifer - posted on 07/24/2010

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Jeannette; GF first just breathe, trust me it will help. As a adult with mental health, two children with ADHD and behaviorial issues and a spouse my family despised, they always where telling me I was ruining their lives, To the point unfornately I had to stand by their father and fight my family for they knew so much. But what they didn't know it wasn't anything like that and no matter the money, our finances and our relationship issues, we where great and attentive parents and the kids where happy, etc. Bottom line is for seven years we didnt speak. And yes I can't say it wasn't bad, two undiagnosed adults with ADHD Bipolar etc man what the war days. BUT right now our 19 graduated a NC scholar, works, college, 3.8gpa and so much more. Our disabled son just finished his freshmen year, football and Upward Bound. So no matter how you feel they need to be raised, those are her children, she must answer to them not you. You raised your child. Love and adorn the grandchildren, NOw if factual signs of abusive or they come to you with it then immediately call CPS. But trust in your child, and know she has to chose her own path in life mistakes and all. Love her from a distance if have to, put your foot down to support or whatever you need, but you will always be her mother. She needs to know she is not disposable if she messes up and tries to be her own woman and mother. I been there. My greatest achievement are my amazing children. Love unconditionally

Suzanne - posted on 07/24/2010

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Being a mom never stops; your ability to be number one in their lives may change but the way you feel about them doesn't. They have to learn from their choices and will hopefully bring something away from each one they make...good or bad. We just need to support them,love them for who they are and offer to help whenever it is needed. And i am sure that is easier said than done. Remember the harder you protest about something the more it pushes them towards the negative.....speaking from experience and making bad choices.....I was glad that i still had my mom to listen to me and be non-judgemental about what i was doing. 18 means they are legal and able to make decisions for themselves;it doesn't mean we are going to like those decisions. If the children are being affected negatively maybe you could offer an extended visit to grandma's house. They may welcome the distraction from their environment and your daughter may need the break. It would be a way to check on the grandkids without seeming to pry and may be viewed as a gift of support by your daughter. Just a thought...good luck and never stop being a mom!!!!!!

Yve - posted on 07/24/2010

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I am sorry your mother dealt with you like that. I know that my children know I comment, but leave them to make their choices and they know that all i want for them is to be happy, in whatever or whomever they bring into their lives, Your right the direction they have taken is a choice, but it dose not stop me saying what I feel or think as their mother, cos at the end of the day they still make their own decisions... it works for my family.

Linda - posted on 07/24/2010

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my daughter always says she isnt strong like me..but she is strong enough to have a nice life herself but left the kids.

Julie - posted on 07/24/2010

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I think some parents need to step back and ask themselves "is my child making a mistake, or are they just choosing a pathway in life different from what I want for them but that is perfectly acceptable?"

My mother's problem is she wanted me to be a doctor and to marry a rich doctor.

I chose love, a husband and a family over money and a career. And as a result, she has never forgiven me.

Even though I have two degrees, have great morals and values and am a great mother, to her I am a pathetic mistake for not being rich and prestigious and for marrying for love not money.

While I'm sure all the mothers here who are worried about their children, are worried for the right reasons, but always be careful to ask the question "am I worrying about my children legitimately or am I being interfering?"

Yve - posted on 07/24/2010

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I am lucky my grown up children don't have children, but they always seem to get involved with the wrong people, so they have not settled down yet, and that what I want for them a good decent relationship that will make them happy. Its something everyone is searching for, but we do have to take break, bring our children up and then try again to find our right person. I watch and tell them what I see and think, and then say, well the decision is yours as I know you are over 21, they laugh and say don't worry mum, but I do. My mum used to worry about me ...especially when I got divorced and had to bring the children up on my own....I am 50+ now and my mum was still worrying about the choices I made, but we had discussions about my decisions, not arguments, that way we always ended understanding each others point of view.

Clare - posted on 07/24/2010

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I have a friend who is dealing with the same difficulties ith her daughter and it is almost an impossible situation. As longs as she keeps picking up the pieces for her daughter her daguhter will continue to perpetuate the same mistakes but because of the grandchildren she can't just sit back and let them get caught up in her daughters mistakes. The onlt advice I ever give her is that she has to do what ever it takes to protect her grandchildren they are the next generation and they have to be given every opportunity not to repeat the same mistakes. Focus on the grandkids and love your daughter she probably still need your support and love. And you never stop being a mother no matter how old oyur kids are.

Brenda - posted on 07/24/2010

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Mum is a job for life! I have just as many anxieties with my grown up son as when he was infant because he was so badly bullied he is in a state of denial and cannot even bear to admit he has even met people who hurt him! It stops his progress in life and while in his heart he blames me for not protecting him I have enough maternal love to know that one day all his lifes mistakes will come flooding back and I hope I am still alive when that painful thing happens to comfort him just as I did when he was 5!

Christine - posted on 07/24/2010

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all you can do is just love her and the children just be there for them but be careful how much you help them with money I am 66 and my children have got me into debt, but I still care for them
keep your chin up, you cannot live your childs life

Dana - posted on 07/24/2010

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My sons are 24 and 19 and i still worry about them and i say a pray to keep them safe all the time being a mom never stops, you just parent differently as they get older it is the best job in the world and you can never lose it.

Linda - posted on 07/24/2010

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where has god been for the kids involved in these relationships?
any faith i may have had is gone forever!

Sandy - posted on 07/24/2010

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Being a Mom never stops - your role as a Mom changes as life progresses. You stop feeding them when they learn to feed themselves and you stop telling them what to do when they are old enough to do it themselves. However, when a grown child is making bad choices and you have done all the coaching allowed, then you just turn them over to God and keep praying. Turn loose, step back, pray harder, and let God help them remember what they have been taught and what they have learned but forgotton. "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it" - they will remember. You do the best you can do and then let go and let God do His best - and watch the sparks fly!!! You may have to read some encouraging books written by other women who have gone through the same kinds of things. And read the Bible even more, especially Job and about David and Paul and Peter (the one I identify with because his foot stayed in his mouth). Don't give up. God doesn't.

Linda - posted on 07/23/2010

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what about if your daughter has every help given to her to rebuild her life over and over and gets pregnant and has 3 kids and just leaves them all without any arangement to 'get herself sorted' conveniently to live with a new man who doesnt want kids? kids age 12mths, 2 and 4. (9 mths today and none of the kids have seen her or us)
we had to take all 3...but she didnt care if they cried themselves to sleep or whether we coped or not (i also had a 7 year old)
She is loved more than i can tell you...but if she wants to at some point am i supposed to forgive her?
obv there is more to this..she has never coped financially or pactically in the home and we have tried to help but all offers were refused. She spent on rubbish and didnt pay bills so bailiffs came..i even offered to take one of the kids as permenantly as she wanted but she still wouldnt come back.
Oh and she isnt on drugs and was the most achademically clever kid in her year but got pregnant at 16.
I cant see my way forward with this-we have the eldest now and the others are with dad.

Lorna-Rose - posted on 07/23/2010

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i go to my mum for all my advice still, and my mum still goes to hers. you never stop being a mum, the only thing that might change is you become friends aswell, but friends give advice when people need it the most ...

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