does he deserve access to his son?

Thandiwe - posted on 11/01/2012 ( 27 moms have responded )

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My ex boyfriend he has been absent to his son's life financially and physically for over 5 months now, does not check on him and nothing. I do not know if i am wrong but i have decided to leave him alone....we have been involved for over 12 years and he cheated, the funny part is he was turning the tables. We have been separated for over 10 months now and he comes around my neighbor hood but not to his child. I am working and i can afford my child but do you think this man whenever he wants to see his child i should allow him access to his child?

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Michelle1544 - posted on 11/01/2012

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Well Grethel , Your child will still expect things regardless of what choices you make. Having a child grow up with no relationship with his father because YOU chose to keep him away is going to cause worse problems later on and they will then be problems he/she has with you.

Jodi - posted on 11/01/2012

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Personally, I don't think you should close the door. It isn't so much what he deserves, but rather, whether this is a decision that your should make for your son, and his rights to get to know both parents. It is one thing if his dad is choosing not to see him. It is quite another if you make the decision that dad shouldn't see him. Not to mention that dad *could* take you to court for visitation anyway. But ultimately, from a moral standpoint, I don't think it is your right to make the decision on the relationship between your son and his dad.

Kimberlee - posted on 11/01/2012

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YES you should allow him access to the child.



And if you haven't already you should file for CS and let the courts deal with him .

Michelle - posted on 11/01/2012

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You can't make someone be a parent but stopping them from seeing their child isn't right either. I know it's hard but he does have a right to see his child, even if he is being an ass about it and not being a Father.

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Michelle1544 - posted on 11/05/2012

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Jodi . - posted 3 hours ago

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Kim, even abuse towards an ex partner does not preclude visitation of a child. That's were things like supervised visitation comes in. Unless the father is abusive towards the CHILD, it is irrelevant.

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True . and if a mans not been abusive to the child then the courts will look at that as well. If he has been abusive or neglectful then they will try to help with counseling , anger management and possibly supervised visits etc.. all of this because it's usually best for a child to have their father in their life. IF however after all of that the courts are not satisfied that the father can safely be around the child then they will do what they can to prevent them from being together.



These situations are always difficult .

Kathy - posted on 11/05/2012

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I hate to say this but he is still his dad no matter what.

I wouldn't press the subject but he contacts you I think you should let him see him.

When the child gets old enough to ask about his dad you don't want to have to explain I didn't want your father seeing you. Also you are entitled to support. I would look into that if I were you. even if you put that money aside for education. I hope this helps.

Jodi - posted on 11/05/2012

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Kim, even abuse towards an ex partner does not preclude visitation of a child. That's were things like supervised visitation comes in. Unless the father is abusive towards the CHILD, it is irrelevant.

Kim - posted on 11/05/2012

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Both ladies have said they were abusive after their original posts. I know it's tough, but the only way you can legally stop then from seeing their children is to prove it was an abusive situation. Otherwise, they have legal rights and you trying to prevent them from seeing their kids might get you thrown in jail.

Crystal - posted on 11/04/2012

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well you should let him see his child because your not hurting no one but your son but when he gets his child send them with notin but cup or bottle and clothes and tell him to bye pampers and wipes for a change ......... then he dont want to do that child supportwill do he have to do his part some how after all you didnt make them by your self.

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Take the money aspect out of it, it has nothing to do with it. What matters is your son. Id say yes and sooner or later hes going to realise that his dad isnt all hes hyped up to be, sad yes, but its better to give it a chance...for your son, then have him turn around in ten years time and say why did you not try?! Its not about you and the father or what he did to you or what he doesnt contribute, its about your son and his need to have dad in his life.

Kimberlee - posted on 11/02/2012

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Thandiwe it can be confusing for small kids , maybe even a little confusing for older kids. Reassure your child as much as you can that you will always be there for him . That there is nothing that could ever happen that keep you away from him . Maybe help him write to his dad about how hes feeling or draw a picture of the best time they had together. Keep communication open. and definitely keep talking to bio Dad and encouraging him to be more reliable and committed. His child will grow up and will hold Dad accountable for his own actions.

Thandiwe - posted on 11/02/2012

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I totally agree with you guys and everyone has a different opinion on this situation, honestly its sad that a father is around and the next is not, all i know is i allow him access to his son no matter what but what kills me is he comes when it suits him, like he can come after 5 months to see his son, and my son cries always because he is not used to him, this kills me, my son is 2 years old and this is confusing him a lot. I thank you guys for the advises and i wont denier him access to his son. But still confusing.

Jodi - posted on 11/01/2012

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And really, 5 months is nothing. My son recently didn't see his dad for 10 months, they have re-established their relationship and now see each other about once a month. He enjoys his relationship with his dad, the time he CAN get, who am *I* to tell him his father is a dead beat? That isn't my right. I left the doors open each and every single time his dad didn't see him for months at a time, and my son is a perfectly stable, well adjusted 15 year old (whose dad and I split when he was 2). Seriously, a child can cope with a flaky parent as long as they have ONE parent providing a stable environment. This excuse about having them in and out of their lives creating problems is bull crap. It only creates issues for the child if YOU let it. No-one said it would be easy. My son continues to choose to see his flaky dad, who is never there when it counts. That's his choice to make, not mine.

Michelle1544 - posted on 11/01/2012

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Ashley , Sure the sounds like a jerk but being a an inconsiderate male is not enough to justify blocking a man from his child. Mothers should do whatever they can to encourage healthy relationships between their ex's and the children they have had . It's hard on a kid to not have a Dad in their life and if Mom is to blame for blocking the relationship then the child will be upset with both Mom and Dad. I don't understand why people think just cutting a dad out of a kids life is a good thing or even something that mom has a right to do - she doesn't.

Jodi - posted on 11/01/2012

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Actually, the law says he can.....I think you would find it very hard to remove his right to visitation of some sort if he decided to pursue it. Just saying.

Ashley - posted on 11/01/2012

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no. if he can not be there on a consistant and frequent basis, then he should not be there at all. he cant just come and go as he pleases when it is convenient for him. that will confuse your child. and for him to be able to go in your nieghborhood and not even stop and see his son for a few minutes in the last 5 months, HELL no! write him off.

G - posted on 11/01/2012

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I dunno whats worse, a dad like that to be gone completely or atleast partially there. I totally agree with you. His family used to think I was crazy and a major B. because I wouldn't let him take him. He had to see him at my house. But he's working through his issues. Seeing a shrink and all this and that. Hopefully he gets better but for now, my guard is up. I approach the situation and topic with much thought and caution. So happy you found someone to love your daughter :)

Kimberlee - posted on 11/01/2012

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GD - I was in a similar situation and he decided to get completely out . Luckily I was remarried and my husband adopted my daughter.



The problem is that being abandoned by a biological parent is still difficult for most children to deal with it. Even if the guys a jerk and even when there is a step parent willing to adopt. Which is why I have said that as long as there isn't a real safety issues ( like there is with an abusive addict) everything should be done to encourage a relationship with the parent.

G - posted on 11/01/2012

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And that's exactly why I say, it's subjective to the situation. I clarified MY situation. I feel men shouldn't be in and out of their children's life. Either be there or don't. And yes, you're right, why would I? That's part of the "%100". Get your crap together or don't come around. These are old problems. Things have changed but obviously, I'm extremely cautious.

Kimberlee - posted on 11/01/2012

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Where GD do you say anything about abuse . Seems to me the topic was regarding men who are in and out of a childs life , not about abusive men. And why would you ask an abusive addict to be in 100% anyway? that seems like a really bad idea.

G - posted on 11/01/2012

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Dad is doing that all on his own, he doesn't need my help to keep himself away from his son and if you recall, I asked him to be around but %100. Would you keep your child around a drug addict who beat you in front of your child?? drove around with him in the backseat drunk?? I've had this conversation with my 8 year old already who wasn't in any way, shape or form as accusatory as you are right now but thank you for the advice. * I do allow my son to speak to his dad when he calls and see him. I don't keep him from my son but I'm careful and insist he be there consistently or not at all if he's gonna be standing him up. He called last weekend and talked to my son and said "I might come get u this weekend". Did he come? nope. Did he call? nope. So I don't feel the least bit of regret in wanting to protect my son from that cycle.* I do allow my son to speak to his dad when he calls and see him. I don't keep him from my son but I'm careful and insist he be there consistently or not at all if he's gonna be standing him up. He called last weekend and talked to my son and said "I might come get u this weekend". Did he come? nope. Did he call? nope. So I don't feel the least bit of regret in wanting to protect my son from that cycle.

G - posted on 11/01/2012

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I disagree. I deal with the same problem with a man that disappears from the planet for months and then comes around. He's never completely out of he picture but I'm very protective of my son. I think this answer is subjective to the situation. While people do say keeping your child away from his father isn't right and to an extent, I agree but it's also damaging to a child to see his father come in and out of his life at the drop of a hat. One minute you're there and the next, you're not. What is he showing your child by doing that? and how is that gonna make him feel?? For my son, he now wakes up crying because he misses his dad. How do I tell him that dad isn't around simply because he doesn't want to? He's 8 years old now and frankly, while it could still be really hard for him if Dad was completely uninterested, I find that it would probably have been easier for my son to not have ever expected anything from his dad then to keep on watching his dad call and say "I'm coming to get you" and then never show up. The disappointment on his face and the hurt he feels every time, kills me. So I say to Dad, "Be around... I want you to be around but be there %100 percent or not at all". He's a human being with feelings regardless of age and he deserves some respect.

Michelle1544 - posted on 11/01/2012

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Of course you should allow him access to his child.



Whats with all these moms who want to cut Fathers out of their childs life?

Thandiwe - posted on 11/01/2012

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Thank you Michelle, but he does not even come to see his son at my mom's house since i left him, doesnt come to my house as i went back to leave with my mom after our breakup, most of the time which is about five months ago he used to wait in the streets to collect his son, is this the right way? last time my son was in hospital and he came that day to tell me about his new galfriend instead of asking about the health of his child, my son was suffering from gastro and was hospitalised for five days, he came the first day and after that he never even called to ask how is my son doing, we used to fight as he was an abusive man, and i decided to leave him as i didnt want my son to grow up in such an environment.

Michelle - posted on 11/01/2012

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You have to keep the child support and visitation separate. They are 2 different issues. Just because he isn't giving you financial help it doesn't mean you can stop him from seeing his child.



I would go to court to get a visitation schedule in place. Then if he doesn't stick to it then you can get it adjusted to suit.

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