Jane - posted on 01/05/2009 ( 9 moms have responded )
Jane - posted on 01/05/2009 ( 9 moms have responded )
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H. Ruth - posted on 01/05/2009
hm.. That is something to think about and everyone who has posted has their own opinion. My husband likes to golf and so do I. The thing is, he actually golfs early mornings (before work) and when he comes home, he is ready for "kid time". I think that this may be an idea to present to him. Another thing, my two children know that daddy and mommy like to golf and ask to go with. My husband actually takes our 4yr old to the driving range and she watches him and the other people who are there. I think this is his time with her and vis versa.
I think raising children is a two parent job and my husband agrees.
Hanna - posted on 01/05/2009
Jenna, I don't think you're reasonable in your demands (I do understand why, i am a woman with a baby, however you do have to be fair). even though you have 6 mornings alone with kids, well that saturday after 2-3 when your husband comes back from golf and your kids wake up, there's still plenty of time for them to do stuff, make it count. set it up so that they do stuff together and as your kids get older, maybe they can start to go golfing with daddy and it will eliminate the problem all together. from what it sounds like, he does make an effort to spend time with you and your kids on all other days -- make the most out of evenings and make him either read to your son & daughter or do stuff with your kids before they go to bed and then the other day off together make sure you do stuff as a family (and not spend the day running to sears & supermarket, maybe do that early in the morning, but then do fun stuff in the afternoon, or vice versa). good luck!
Tara - posted on 01/05/2009
I've run into similar issues in our family. He works 5 - 6 days a week where I stay home, so I understand his need for wind down & "alone" time. I need it too though, and our daughter needs "Daddy time". I explained to him how much it would mean to her if he let her tag along once in a while. When she gets to simply run an errand with Daddy and maybe stop for a burger her whole world gets brighter! He started doing this on occasion and noticed how excited and pleasant she would be. Now she's three they've started do all sorts of things together. She even sits down to watch football with him now and takes great delight in cheering for whoever he says! We came up with a small comprimise...They get the weekend sports with snacks and no interuptions etc. and I get an afternoon / evening with no responsibility (he cooks and cleans and bathes, etc.) Then we have a time at least every two weeks where we all do something together, like go out to eat or picnic at the park all afternoon. It works great for us, and nobody had to "change" much of anything!
Now, however, we have another baby comming in March and I think we might go through a similar "first years" experience. Maybe it will be more natural this time?
Jenna - posted on 01/05/2009
Last summer was ridiculous with the golfing every weekend. His argument was that he was home by noon or 1, but by then, my son was napping, so I had 6 days a week where he wasn't home and he didn't see the dilema. When my daughter was born in May, he took the summer off because we compromised and agreed he couldn't golf until she was sleeping through the night (which happened after the summer :-). Now, I'm dreading next summer when he golfs again on Sunday, and I'll have 6 days a week of the same, and TWO KIDS! He's a GREAT daddy, and he watches the kids once a week or so while I go out with my girlfriends, so I don't have MUCH of a leg to stand on. However, he only has a max of an hour and a half with the kids at night before they're off to bed, and I have an entire morning when he's golfing!
Shelley - posted on 01/05/2009
my kids are grown now but when small my husband spent as much time as I did with them, he participated in everything, fridays was his day off of work and he'd take the kids on all kinds of adventures, he taught them car mechanics, plumbing, welding, driving, all types of skills.
Hanna - posted on 01/05/2009
i'm blessed in a way that my husband does not like golf, does not watch sports or have any major hobby that takes up a significant part of his life. with that said, i can tell you that i still face similar problems you do -- he comes home from work, wants to plant his butt on a couch and watch tv all night "to relax because he had a really long day". To add to Paulette Morgan's comment, i would say that besides all of the above, some men don't understand the concept of being involved, i.e. they'll tell you, well i come home every night, so i should have time to myself on the weekend. what they don't realize is that them being in the house and them spending quality time with their wife and children are two completely different things (the way i explain it to my husband is when you're on the bus or a train or in the library/computer lab, you are surrounded by people and sometimes sit next to them for 1-2 hours, however, that does not mean that you're spending time with them -- it just means that you're occupying the same space). also show him what he's missing out on -- baby's first words, starting to walk, etc.
i don't think it's realistic to expect him to give up golf all together -- no man ever would. however, maybe you guys can figure out a schedule -- e.g. during the week he'll come home and play with the kids 3 days a week while you're cooking dinner then eat together (and preferably not in front of the television). then on saturday he can play golf 9-5pm, then come home and hang out with the kids, while you can go do something you want to do e.g. go to a hair/nail salon or just for lunch with a girlfriend, whatever. and then on sunday you guys can do something as a family -- go to a zoo, park, have a picnic, whatever. but you will have to be proactive about it -- make plans to do things as a family. and it will also be fair -- you get to take care of the kids some nights a week, and so will he (or alternatively you divide responsibilities every night -- you bathe, he reads a bedtime story or vice versa) and then on weekend he has time to hang out with his buddies and you have time to hang out with ur girlfriends or do whatever you want, but also have family time together. good luck!
Paulette - posted on 01/05/2009
There are a lot of things that play into the family dynamics, as you well know. I have found that some men are afraid of or insecure with children for many reasons. When they are newborns...'I am afraid I'll drop them because they are so tiny.' Is a popular one. There are some who do want kids but are oblivious to what it takes to be a father and husbands together. If they have not had experience with children growing up or after plays a part in their comfort level. Then there are husbands who are not sure they want kids but do not say anything and then there is a child. Another is a husband who do not want kids at all and they do not say at all either. All can cause a lot of stress and/or heartbreak. My suggestion is to sit down and have a really good discussion with your husband and find out where he sits with his duties as a father. Let him know how it affects you and him plus him and your child. Then you will have some direction to go in and not being in the dark as to why he is playing golf and not playing with his child. I can empathize with you and I know it is not easy but not knowing can be hard too. It may be an easy solution/reason and maybe if you talk to him it will help him to open up. Maybe you can clear things up that he does not understand or find the resources he needs to engage in being a daddy. I hope this has helped. Take care.
Elizabeth - posted on 01/05/2009
The man I married doesn't play golf, and that probably has everything to do with the fact that my father played far too much, to the serious detriment of our family. My dad is learning to be much more attentive as a grandfather and for that I am happy. However I would caution you to impress upon your husband not to make my dad's mistake. A child will rarely know to complain about a father's absence, but it is noticed, and a preference for golf over the child is deeply processed by the child and not forgotten. Nip this in the bud now. Discuss it with your husband and compromise and set limits. It won't be easy, but you have to.
Vicki - posted on 01/05/2009
Well I would think he would want that but I dont allow it. I am not a mean person but there are certain things I will not allow. He does however love to go to car races and things where he is away from us for a week at a time whenever he wants to and I too get very frustrated. I have a child from a previous marriage who is now 18 and then one with him and he is 9 years old. I have complained and suffered through this in the 15 years we have been together. He will take off and go to Florida with his dad for a week and no one else in our small family has ever been to Florida...would have been nice to be asked to go. haha, let me know what you find out...