Domestic abuse without the bruises, do I stay or leave?

User - posted on 11/04/2012 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I have been married to my husband for almost three years now. He is abusive only when he gets really drunk. Like slurring your words, not walking straight drunk. This year we have only had 3 incidents and he never leaves a bruise on me. Should I stay or leave? I have a 23 month old daughter with him and he is an absolutely great father. She loves him so much that she starts a terrible fit anytime he leaves. I don't want my daughter to be without her father...

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Lakota - posted on 11/05/2012

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Please leave that "man". He is not an absolutely great father if he is abusing her mother. Better for your daughter to be without a father than think this is what a women's role is in a marriage - abused and afraid.

Dove - posted on 11/05/2012

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Are you in counseling? That would be a good place to start. You CAN overcome this. I promise, but it takes work. You and your daughter CAN be a healthy, happy family... and maybe if your husband sees you are serious (when you leave) he will get the help he needs to be a PART of that healthy, happy family.... eventually. Staying where you are will do no one any good though.

Holly - posted on 11/05/2012

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LEAVE! honey, i am saying this as an abused woman... LEAVE! no man needs an excuse... if he hits you. do you REALLY want to raise your daughter in a home where she thinks its ok? even if she doesn't see it now, she will see it. She will then see a home where a wife doesn't leave her husband anytime, even when he abuses her. SHE will then end up in a home like this... TRUST ME! it is not worth it! the only reason you are even THINKING it is ok, is because he has brainwashed you... my ex ALWAYS told me about how it could be mush worse... he only pulled my hair, he ONLY through me against the wall, he never slapped me, or shot me, or hit me... that he wouldn't ever do that. he told me it was only because i looked through his drawers... he told me it was because i made him angry. it was MY fault.

Dove - posted on 11/05/2012

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Leave. Whether or not he leaves bruises means nothing. Get out unless/until he quits drinking and goes to counseling. Please. Do it FOR your daughter. Now.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/05/2012

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ONLY 3 instances is one year? You know how many "instances" have happened between me and my husband over the almost 12 years we have been together??? 0, zero, none. Yes. Get out. No one should be abused, and since you have a young child, they are going to learn that is the norm. Please get out.



Your daughter can have a healthy relationship with her father without having to live in an abusive home. When people say they are staying for the kids, it is usually the exact opposite of what is right for the kids.

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Holly - posted on 11/08/2012

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You've done the right thing hun, its hard, but it well be easier. He had brain washed you, it was wrong for him to do that. Its not your fault he is violent towards you. When the baby gets to be older he will turn his violence towards her. You need to keep her safe

Becca - posted on 11/07/2012

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GET OUT OF THERE! you never know if it will get worse. what happens when its not you thats the punching bag but your daughter? leave while you have a chance. you never know what will happen if he gets too drunk.

S. - posted on 11/07/2012

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You have done the right thing for you and your daughter, it will be really hard but she will adjust quicker then you think. Stay strong! Hugs* to you.

Dove - posted on 11/06/2012

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♥ I'm sorry! It will be hard for a while, but you are doing the right thing! ♥

User - posted on 11/06/2012

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I left and I feel extremely terrible. My daughter is taking this separation pretty hard. She's crankier than usual and asks for her Daddy...

Holly - posted on 11/05/2012

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i know that my Father was an abusive father & husband... he is STILL an abusive husband... he may not put a finger on my mother, but he treats her like CRAP.... he used to tell her if she couldn't "straighten up" he would take us and hide, and she would never see us again... she told me once that he destroyed a bird feeder that she had once... so i bought her a new one, the next fight they had, he destroyed that one too... she tried to keep him happy, so that he wouldn't act this way. but it is inevitable.... you CAN'T keep someone happy forever, and it isn't your JOB to keep someone happy. YOU are in charge of your OWN happiness. IF at anytime he is unhappy, hew will attack you, he doesn't need alcohol for that. You can not stay in a situation where you are trying to keep him happy all the time, making sure that he doesn't have too many beers, or else he might hurt you. You are NOT some woman "who needs to learn her place" You are a mother, who needs to lead her child by example.... once i had my kids I KNEW that i had to prove to them that women can be strong and independent, and NOT have to rely on a man. You should NOT expose your child to this type of violence, and you should not think that it is ok to EVER fear for your safety, your daughter will pick up on that, and think this is NORMAL

User - posted on 11/05/2012

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Thanks ladies. He often compares himself to a family friend who used to pimp out his girlfriend for drugs. Then earlier this year she overdosed on heroin in a walgreens bathroom while she was 5 months pregnant.



Sometimes I think I'm in this situation because I grew up being pushed into other relatives' homes and I had an abusive step father. Maybe I'm just that messed up from those unforgettable and miserable 4 years of my childhood.

S. - posted on 11/05/2012

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In years to come if your daughter was in your shoes how would you advice her? And if he bruised you would it be different? I got brought up in a very violent house hold (only in drink) and I can tell you this, as the child it messes you up, waking up hearing the shouts and thuds threw the walls, your safe environment no longer safe. These things soon become habits and that will soon become your life if you stay, as children we used to say that we would loose both parents as one would end up in prison for killing the other one, as a teenager I would wish them to split up and I hated them for keeping us in that hell of a life!

Michelle - posted on 11/05/2012

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Would you rather she grow up without her Mother? It's a very real possibility if you stay in an abusive relationship.



I would be leaving until he at least acknowledged that he needs help with his anger and drinking. I was with an alcoholic for 8 years. He was verbally abusive but it was just as bad.

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