Emotional Abuse...Am I a Victim?

[deleted account] ( 10 moms have responded )

Hi, my name is Christy and I am the proud mother of two beautiful children, ages 3 and 15 month, boy and girl. Ive been in a relationship now for 2 almost 3 years and things have started to get rocky. I happened to come across a video on youtube about emotionally abusive relationships. I started thinking about all the times that my boyfriend has yelled at me and what it was really for. Im in an emotionally abusive relationship. I have no friends, no family, Im always restricted to the house. He yells at me over the littlest things, like this morning he couldnt find his wallet before he left for work, and presumed it was my fault he couldnt find it. Hes called me things( exuse my language ladies), a retarted bitch, and asks me whats wrong with me. I barely get any attention from him anymore, in the bedroom area, hes always focusing on the things that I dont get done rather than the things that I do get done. He expects to come home to a clean house dinner and I understand thats my job as a housewife and a mother but he takes it a step too far. The slightest thing that doesnt get done he makes the bigest deal out of it like hes looking for a fight. Weve gotten into some fights in the past and hes left and went to bars, i think its just an excuse to leave. Hes always on porn sites all the time. What makes it really bad is he tries to hide it and hes hiding that from me then what else is he trying to hide. A lot of the times I have to lie to him about certain things because he gets really pissed off about something and he yells at me for lying. When I try to tell him the reason why, he gets defensive and doesnt want to talk about it anymore, like hes avoiding my feelings about the situaton and he dont care. Im here all by myself. I have no friends, no family here, noone to talk to to help me through times like this. Im always living in fear of when the next time hes gonna get mad at me and start yelling. He was with a woman before me and he was together with her for 9 years and he started cheating on her after about 3 years they were together. Is he substituting the porn for cheating? Its worse in my book. Hes always telling me who he wants me to talk to and who he doesnt want me to talk to. Ive left him before and went home to my family hoping he would realize and stop. I want out of this relationship so bad but if I do then its the fear that hes is gonna take my little girl away from me. The little boy isnt his, I already had him when I him.. Hes always asking me about screwing around onn him, paranoid that I am when I dont go anywhere and if I do,if im a minute late, then hes accusing me of cheating. He walks around looking for things to complain about. I think I need some time on my own to figure out what I need and want for myself. Do I stay and put up with the fear of this everyday, he says he would never hit me but I heard that from my sons father and he put his hands on me twice, so I dont believe those words that come out of any mans mouth anymore. Do I stay and put up with the heartache and end up only causing my self deep depression and keep putting my children throught this, risk loosing my daughter to him. Or do I leave and live my life fearless, the way I want to live it without someone telling me what do or say all the time? I really need some advice on this becaus leaving, this man will make it hard on me and he will try to make my life a living hell.

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Nikki - posted on 12/12/2012

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This is why you need to seek legal advice, no judge is going to give full custody of a 15 month old their father unless you are a serious drug addict or you are abusive, which doesn't seem to be the case. Get legal advice and take that power away from him. Document everything! Every time he has abused you, if you can remember dates write it down and pass all of that onto your lawyer.

Lauren - posted on 12/11/2012

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He knows the only way he can control you now is thru your daughter. Don't let him. You and both your children need to get out,but don't tell him anything until you are doing it. He will only twist it and use against you. It will be hard but it will be worth it.

Nikki - posted on 12/11/2012

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I agree with everything Lakota said. If I were in your position I would get some legal advice, I would open up a bank account and start putting any money I could spare into it, look into some temporary accommodation and have bags packed; ready to leave in a hurry, or do you have anyone that you trust that can store some of your items? . Look into services that offer support for female victims like yourself. I wouldn't tell him to his face when the time comes for you to leave (unless legal advice tells you differently) but I would be concerned with how he would react. I would leave and leave behind a letter explaining all of the reasons for why you are leaving, I would leave contact details for your lawyer on how to contact you to discuss visitation.

Lakota - posted on 12/11/2012

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Yes, you are in a very verbal and emotionally abusive relationship. You aren't going to lose your daughter to him. I'm not sure why you think you would. You have to leave this man. The abuse will most likely escalate to a physically abusive one. Right now, it's not just you that is being hurt very badly. Your children cannot grow up in a house like this. He will yell at them and treat them the same way. I have been right where you are. I got out. So can you. Leaving this man will be a blessing. He may try to make your life a living hell, but, don't let him. It will be hard, I know, but, you can't stay with him. You know that. Don't let him talk you into staying. He may make promises to change. He won't. If he loved you, he wouldn't treat you the way that he does. He has some serious problems and you can't help him. Please, for your sake and the sake of your children, leave now.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/13/2012

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See if you can have a relative come and help you move. He will be less threatening if you have a witness. Reach out to your family for help.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/13/2012

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I think you already know the answer of whether or not you should stay or go. GO!! Pack up the kids and leave. It would be very hard for him to just take your daughter away from you BTW. But would you rather live with him and show your kids what a very unhealthy relationship is? Chances are that is the kind of relationship they will end up having, or they will be the abusers. I know it is hard, but it sounds like to me what you are living is harder., Good luck.

Ashley - posted on 12/13/2012

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you need to leave. i would start running now. plan a day when he is at work to pack the things you will need. have a safe place to go and take your kids with you. be gone before he gets home. if you take your daughter with you, he can not just come take her from you. he has to take you to court and prove you unfit. get an attorney asap. if she is in your custody when you file, they will give you temporary custody until you go to court. would you want your daughter to be with a man like this? im assuming not, so you need to get out because you are only teaching her it is ok for a man to treat her like that, and you are teaching your son that it is ok for him to treat a woman like that. document everything he does and says. if he files for custody first, he might get temporary custody until you go to court, but he might not if she is in your custody. you could also get a restraining order as soon as you leave, that would give you temporary custody until you have enough money to get a lawyer. good luck

Holly - posted on 12/12/2012

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i would leave... but before you do, see if you can install cameras in the house... or get a tape recorder, and record these things happening...when you leave and file for divorce... use this as evidence of his emotional and psychological abuse...

Lakota - posted on 12/12/2012

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Christy, he can't take your baby away from you. Like Lauren said, he will and is using that to keep you from going. Those babies are the main reason you need to get out now. Why in the world does he think he has more of a right to your daughter than you do? It's all about control for him. Nikki's ideas are awesome. I was scared and sad when I got out of my situation. But, that first night, I realized I could breathe again - no yelling, no name calling, no stress, no being told what I do wrong. Just peace. Please do this for you and your kids. You all deserve it.

[deleted account]

To both of you, hes here hes seen how upset I am about it, he told me that if I wanta leave i can, hed buy me a ticket to where ever I wanted to go. But hes not gonna let me take adela. he stressed that to me several times. He said "you are not taking her from me"

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