emotional, physical, mental abuse relationship, help!

Kirsty - posted on 08/27/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

hi, im just posting cause i feel i cant talk to anybody and want other peoples views. im 21, me and my boyfriend have been together and lived together for 2 years...we have a 4 month old son together....when we firts got together things were great...he told me about his past, he was physically abused as a child (hes from the caribbean) and his mom sent him here at 13 he said all she said was 'your going to have a better life' and that was the last he seen and heard from her from there he went into care, he is now 27 years old yet still goes on about the past and blames his whole life for it....now when we had been together for 5 months he was always out i had a feeling he was cheating, checked his phone found the proof, he flipped out on me threw me up the wall and pulled my hair and said dont ever go through my phone again you bitch. BUT i did it again and found more after that we was fine. then i found out i was pregnant, it got worse he told me i was good for nothing, a slag, dont do nothing for him (bare in mind he only gives me £20 a week towards food and bills!! i pay the rest!!) he started throwing me around (NEVER HAS HIT ME STILL UP TILL NOW) told me me and the baby will be on our own, he dont want it etc. i can honestly say it was the worst pregnancy i could imagine, i told him i didnt want to be with him so he got a dog chain round his neck and tried to hang himself form the loft, he dragged me to watch him!!!! he only stopped cause i went to phone the police! which makes me think its all an attention thing!! then my son was born, things were great he stopped....(hes always had this way of talking down to me like hes my dad, like he wants to control me) but it was asif he realised he had a son and wanted to better himself as he always told me sorry everytime. but then it all started again, he put our son down and strangled me in and arguement!i pushed him and he broke my finger!! he said sorry but now he trys to turn it on me says its my own fault. then a week later he threatened to smash my face in and rub dog shit in my face!! that was it i went to my moms with my son and left him for 2 weeks!! i came back as he seemed like me leaving had changed him...a week later he was throwing me about again telling me im nothing etc the usual.he actually grabbed me to the point where he scratched mt chest bad and ripped my clothes and bra, he threw me over the sofa and pushed my face so hard he bruised it aNd hurt my neck! THAT WAS IT I WAS LEAVING BUT HE WOULDNT LET ME,it just so happened his friend turned up and had a right go at him, since then again weve been fine untill yesterday he got mad calling me all names uder the sun, i told him i was leaving so he threw my son in his pushchair!! that was it i was so hurt and scared that he just did that to my baby!! and he said he didnt care he dont want him no more if im leaving him, i grabbe dmy son out the pushchair and he picke dthe pushchair up and smashed it...he eventually let me leave...he was texting me saying he love sme hes sorry he dont know what he was thinking he will never ever do that again....but i come home but told him i dont want him near me and how disgusted etc i am in him. still till now he hasnt spoke to me i wont and cant look at him, hes stayed in 1 room out my way. but now i just feel i am at the end, hurt me but not a 4 month old baby, hes suppose to know better, if his childhood was so bad why would he want me to feel how his mom felt when it was happening to her and his son how he felt when it happened to him...i dont get him, i feel his a monster i really dont know him. i hate myself for bringing my son into his dads kind of world. i love him so much i cant bring myself to leave him, i think half of me stays caus ei feel sorry for him cause he has nobody but me and my son, but why would he want to ruin that? he says he doesnt care about his life cause neither his parents are alive, maybe thats why he dont care about me or his son??? i just dont know what to do anymore, i feel so down and depressed, at times ive thought of giving my son to my mom and commiting suicide.i suppose i need views, opiniuons and people ot talk to? as i dont feel i can talk to anybody i know. im sorry that this is so long, and ive tried to add asmuch as i can in as its going along in my head, some things i havent even put in here but itll be like a book if i go on x