entitled 14 year old daughter

Elise - posted on 12/05/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My 14 year old daughter has a definite sense of entitlement which I am finally making the effort not to address. The other day in order to try out for a school play she asked if I could be out of the house (and my husband) after I picked her up from school at almost 5:00 so that she could pick a song and rehearse it. In the past I have done this. But in the last 3- 4 months her behavior has been difficult. Caving herself in her room for days at a time, no interaction won't eat, won't eat at the table because something just wasn't right, or I said no to something. This time I said no and she blew off into her room saying now she couldn't be in the show. All I said to her was you can practice in your room with your door closed, no one will hear you, you can even go into the car that's parked in the driveway. Why should I have to leave my house inorder to accommodate her? A day or two before she blew up at me because she is trying to be a vegan (eats no vegies) there is nothing for to eat,e xcept cereal, rice and pasta. She asked me to go out to get her a bagel. I said no. She asked me to go to the supermakret to get a box of a cereal - I replied we already have 3 opened cereals. She said, I can't just eat the same thing over and over again. HELP!

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Denikka - posted on 12/05/2012

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If this is a behavior that she's been exhibiting for a while, but you're only just starting to address it, you're in for a bumpy ride. She's probably wondering why she SHOULD change all of a sudden, since she's always gotten away with/gotten to do these things before.



What you really need to do is sit her down and explain things. I'm sure you wouldn't be very happy if your husband came home one day, all of a sudden, and started getting mad at you for things that you had done every day previous and it had been okay. You need to inform your daughter on a change of rules.

Sit her down and lay out your expectations. Stay calm. She's probably going to be upset. Her world is being flipped upside down and she's not going to be getting her way like she did. Being upset is totally normal.

Take some time to think things through before you talk to her. Figure out what battles you're willing to fight, and which ones you aren't. Write out a list of things that you'll no longer do, and things that you'll now expect her to do (behavior wise).



For example, if she wants to change her diet, fine. But she has to research the nutritional requirement for a teenage girl and figure out a diet plan for how she's going to meet them (most cereals, bagels, pastas, breads, etc are NOT vegan friendly. They contain egg or milk products at the very least) Then she can give you a grocery list and, if it's within your budget, you can get her those specific ingredients. SHE can then at the very least help you in the kitchen, if not take over her own cooking almost entirely, because there's no reason for you to have to make 2 separate meals all the time.

As for leaving your house for her to practice. . . . .that's ridiculous. IF it's convenient for you, if you have plans on going out anyways, have errands to run or whatever, fine. But don't rearrange your schedule to cater to her. As you mentioned, if she wants to be alone to practice, she can close her bedroom door, or there are other options.



You have a long fight on your hands. She's not going to want to change and she's not going to make it easy on you. But it's important to break this behavior. It should have been done a long time ago, when it first started, but we all make mistakes. Live and learn. I wish you the best of luck :)

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Dove - posted on 12/05/2012

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Drag her butt to counseling or have her committed to the hospital on a suicide watch. Take her seriously and get her the help she needs. She may not TALK in counseling, but refusing to go is not an option.... even if she needs to be taken to a group home or hospital until she is willing to start helping herself.

Elise - posted on 12/05/2012

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Yes, her dad and I are together. She's also been extremely angry at her dad since August. Following her surgery, after 4 weeks, she was still mostly in bed, not necessary. We had put a tv in her room to make her more comfortable, but instead of her getting better, we saw her not improving at all. With school around the corner we had to take the tv out, but she wouldn't unlock her door, so we told her if she didn't we would come in. That's what we did and we had World War III. She threatened suicide - she was very angry. When she told her Dad she was looking up ways to commit suicide he said fine - and went about his business. She can't forgive him, even though he has tried to talk to her. Our life is a mess - I think about leaving or seeing if she can live somewhere else because she is so unhappy

Elise - posted on 12/05/2012

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I haven't gotten made at her - it's her getting angry at me because now I say no more often, when in the past I would run out for the bagel or the cereal. She went through several years of frequent bad colds, being sick two weeks at a time, out of school, etc. So I created a pattern of accommodating her which led to further accommodations. She finally had surgery this summer to remove her adenoids, only to get sick again, and become extremely angry. All my explanations fall on deaf ears. She's angry for having a bossy older brother, a stern father, a small bedroom, you name it she's angry. She does have periods of being nice, but over the last several months they are very short lived and I believe self serving. I have (when she is in a speaking mood) laying whatever ground rules I have at a given moment. I can't think of everything, because each week there is a new set of stuff to deal with. I have asked her to help in the kitchen, I get met with a no. I've purchased some vegan stuff and prepared it, but she did not like it. There's only so much I will be willing to accommodate at this point. She's left herself with almost nothing to eat. Nuts, raisins, apple, cereal, bread and rice.

Holly - posted on 12/05/2012

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are you and her dad still together? If not does she still see her father? many time parents who split will have one "fun house" were they are given EVERYTHING so that they will look forward to going to that house. many times it is the father who does that because he sees his daughter a "princess" and takes it to the extreme.... what i suggest may be really hard... but it will work if you stay with it (unless her father is giving in to her every whim) take EVERYTHING she owns and put it in a hiding place (either the attic or a storage unit) and make her earn every last thing back with selfless good behavior. make her work the soup kitchen, make her do chores at the house, mowing the yard, washing the dishes, vacuuming, moping, sweeping, laundry, polishing the furniture, taking an old tooth brush and scrubbing the baseboards.... do not let her tell you what she will or wont do, don't allow her to speak to you this way. blowing up is not an option, and with no TV or phone or computer in her room she will not lock herself in her room for very long at all.

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