Ex-in-laws come back after a year and expect to take my son out.

[deleted account] ( 202 moms have responded )

I have a 12 year old son from my first marrage. His father has not been in his life and is an alcholic, druggie and dead beat. My husband that I have now has been the dad for the last 8 years and treats him like his own. Last Easter in 09 my ex calls from the hospital and asks for help. I went and saw him since he hasnt talked to his family for over 10 years and is in the hospital because he drank himself almost to death. He wants to see his mom so I reunite them. This is when things go downhill. The mom(grandma) wants my son to be in his dads life thinking its going to make him wakeup and stop taking drugs and drinking. I let them meet once (after asking my son) and then see if anything changes. Nothing does, the dad actually goes back into a facility for drinking again. The grandma(mom-n-law) conitues to try to get me to let my son be at her house knowing that he could be around his druggie dad (whom she is protecting, houseing, hiding..cause he hasnt paid C.S. in 2 years). I tell her that My husband and I think its a bad idea and that sh can visit my son here at our house. We have an argument... I don't trusst her, My husband isn't blood and has no say in the matter ectera. Well, she doesn't call, write,e-mail for a whole year. Shows up a couple weeks ago, interupts our birthday dinner for my 7 yr old. Tells my son she misses him and wants him to vist... really pressures him. Tells, him they will come by the next day and pick him up for dinner. Long story short. My son doesnt want to go. I take him out hen they are supposed to pick him up. My husband tells them that our son is uncomfortable and doesnt want to go. They threaten to sue. Never heard from any lawyers... They sent him a card yesterday, saying... we love you and miss you so much, please come and see us. Any advice from other moms is appreciated. I told my son that he is old enough to make up his mind if he wants to see them. He seems unsure but the card really made him want to see them. Sorry I know the post is long.

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Tracy - posted on 09/10/2010

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I'd trust your instinct here and keep them away. Most states do not have grandparents rights, so their threats to sue are in vain. If the bio father wants to sue for visitation, the first thing they're going to do is nail him with back cs. That family sounds like poison.

Dora - posted on 09/10/2010

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Definitely go with your instinct. You were nice enough to give them the right to visit with your child at your home. If they really miss him and love him they will make arrangements and go to your home. I know your son is 12yrs old and can make his own decisions, but when it comes down to it you and your husband need to protect him since he is still a child. You and your husband are doing the right thing. Your husband may not be blood to your son but he sounds like he is more of a father to him then his own dad. It takes a lot more to be a fatehr then just donating your sperm. By them trying to mkae your son feel bad to me doesn't make them good grandparents at all. As grandparents shouldn't they try to make him smile instead of trying to make him feel bad and sad????? I hope everything works out for you and your son.

Summer remember one thing you are NOT trying to keep him from them, you are trying to keep your child SAFE. Just let your son know if he wants to see them they are more then welcomed to come over and spend some time with him. This way he will see that your not be negative in any way.

[deleted account]

He should definitely be the one to decide if he wants to see them or not and you (and your husband) should definitely be the ones to decide HOW and WHERE that visitation takes place. I most certainly would not allow him to be alone w/ them at this point under any circumstances. If they really want to see him and have a relationship w/ him they will work WITH you to make that happen. You're his mother. What you say goes. Good luck!

Mary - posted on 09/10/2010

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I'd also suggest peer support for your son with Alateen (support group for teens who have parents with alcohol problems) and maybe Alanon for yourself -- even tho you aren't married to your ex anymore, clearly, his problems are affecting your life. There is support for you in this group.
Good luck!

Katie - posted on 09/10/2010

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If you want them to stay away and if your son wants nothing to do with them and they keep pursuing get a restraining order. I agree with what you're doing, let your son decide if he wants to see them and if not then thats fine. Let them know you don't want trouble but if they keep this up you're going to get a restraining order. Hope you get this resolved.

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Stacey - posted on 09/16/2010

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Oh my, oh my oh my. This post drags up so much for me personally I come from a family with a long history of alcholism and enablers.

Here is my take on this situation. Fact #1 is that no one can change for anyone else. Change has to be something that you choose to do for yourself. So here first argument is null and void.

Exposing your young and very impressionable son to the unhealthy situation that your ex MIL creates by enabling her son is absolutely something you do not want to do.

You have set up great boundaries by allowing them to be in his life on your terms and on your turf. This will allow your son the opportunity to get to know them and let them into his life but have your and current husband as his safety net and a pillar of strength.

I think it is great you are being honest with him and laying his options out for him. You sound like you are supporting his interest in connecting with his father's family. This is a good thing.

Stay strong and continue to extend the invitation of letting them come to your place and visiting. When she sends cards and stops by and asking him directly it puts him in a very uncomfortable position. It is also very unhealthy and manipulative on your ex MIL part. It sounds like she wants to get him away from you and your husband and that is just not a safe and healthy situation for your son right now. When he is in his late teens it might be another story but right now Mama keep up the good work protecting your son. I don't think he is old enough to make up his own mind. I think if he agrees to spend time with her then you need to set up the boundaries and keep it on your turf. People need to earn trust, it isn't just given because they are a blood relative. If they are truly interested in staying connected with your son then they will play by the rules you and your husband set up.

A book I would suggest that might help you set up a healthy structure in dealing with your ex-inlaws is called "Boundaries, when to say yes and when to say no." By John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

Leah - posted on 09/16/2010

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First of all, he is YOUR child. YOU have been there for him every second of his life whereas they have set eyes on him barely a fraction of that time. If they want to "excommunicate" you from their home because you are no longer of their faith then that is their prerogative. You don't appear to be any worse for it lol. But...if they wish to visit their grandchild then they will have to do it on your terms. You haven't said much about it but your current husband seems to be a good source of support for you. And just because he is not blood related to your son doesn't mean he doesn't have a say in his welfare. He provides a home, food, clothing, education, etc...all the things that count from a dad, the most important being love! And he obviously does love him.

Now, on the other hand your son has to be totally comfortable with their visitation. It has to be his idea! He is old enough to choose. Let him know that you love and support him in whatever his decision is, no matter what. Also please stress to him that its OK if his answer is no!!! He doesn't have to make a decision right now if he doesn't want to! He is too young to deal with this stress and if he is showing signs like you mentioned then you may need to see his pediatrician and explain the situation to him/her. They could recommend something to do to help ease his symptoms.

Basically, you are the liaison between them. If they want visitation with him, they go through you. You convey their wishes (in a rated PG manner haha) to your son and he can see them or not and either way is OK. He has nothing to feel guilty about. Monitor the mail. Only pass on the nice, happy cards or letters. They can say they miss him or can't wait to see him, etc., any grandparent would, but nothing more. Let them know this, too. Lay the ground rules out before them: visitation is ok but only in your home for right now. This can change as the situation changes. Letters and cards are great and encouraged as long as they are upbeat and cheerful. They are not to utter one word to make him feel guilty or sad. They haven't been there and have to earn your, and his, trust. Any reasonable person would agree. Phone calls are also ok but you will either be on the extension or beside him listening to his end of the conversation and if there is anything said that you don't like you can terminate the call. They can rant, rave, cry, scream, accuse, or threaten but when it all comes down to it they still have to do what you say or they get nothing. And the courts will side with you. Start a journal. Log the time of every visit or phone call, what was said, every detail whether bad or good. Keep all written communication. All this is considered in a courtroom. Just FYI in case it ever comes down to that. In this book I've written (haha) whenever I say "you" I'm talking about you and your husband. You guys have to be strong partners in this. I wish you the best of luck and send heartfelt prayers.

Tan - posted on 09/16/2010

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No way Summer, you i have a son a similar age and they are still really impressionable. If they all want to see each other then it would have to be in a really controlled environment. I agree he is old enough to decide himself but it still needs to be safe for him. Like you said at your home or somewhere where you can be there too. The have to understand they need to gain your trust before your going to just let them take him out. If he's 12 and they have had nothing to do with him in all that time? Are these reliable people that you can trust? Your son's safety is number one, and so if they are going to threaten you... then.. er it doesnt sit well with me.. Be really careful, you dont want your son in a position he cant get out of. Hope this is helpful and sorry its so long, just my view as our kids are so precious.

Vicki - posted on 09/16/2010

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I am now a greatgrandmother in my long life I think I can speak with some wisdom. Don't be manipulated by in-laws. they are inabling their son, and don't have your sons best intrests in their hearts. Tell them NO and let your son off the hook.He is too young to know what is best for him and if Dad lives long enough he can connect when he is an adult.

Mary - posted on 09/16/2010

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First of all, don't let them bully you with a threat to sue - they have no grounds and your ex would be absolutely out of his mind with the alcohol issues and back child support.

Next, I would ask to meet with grandma and have a chat. I would tell her to be an adult and stop playing with my child's emotions. IF you are comfortable with it and your son wants to - you could allow her to see your son in your home, supervised. Then see how things go.

Carolann - posted on 09/16/2010

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Parents instincts are usually correct. If you are feeling caught between a rock and a hard place on this and your son does want to see them, consider allowing them to visit at your place say once a month or every other month, or even meet at an agreed place like a park etc so you can be there as well. If they really 'miss him so much' then they will agree to whatever the terms are in order to see him. If they aren't willing to play ball on your terms, then I would say there is something else playing along in the background driving their sudden desire to see the child! Whatever you do end up doing, must first and foremost be in the best interests of the child and at 12, he'd have a pretty good idea of how he feels after 1 or 2 visits, so take his lead and make it clear to the grandparents how he feels too. Good luck.

Bette - posted on 09/16/2010

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I do disagree that a 12 y/o in this day and age has no idea what is what...especially when he says he is not comfortable around these relatives. Our young kids are exposed to drugs and alcohol from the time the evils are discussed and taught. My son was in 1st grade when he thought my husband and I were "drug addicts" because we had a drink at a restaurant.. He is 29 now. Summer, as long as you and your son's "dad" supervise things, he will figure it out after too many visits...and all the "cool" gifts really won't leave a long lasting impression. The 9 y/o I have custodt of (I'm grandma) was kidnapped from her Dad when she was 3 years old...by..you guessed it...the druggie mom's parents. You are a great Mom and your son will recognise it...if he hasn't already

Gail - posted on 09/16/2010

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we have different people in our lives for various reasons some good some bad. i think its important not to shelter them too much otherwise they may well rebell later down the track. Sounds like the grandparents are not going to give up so try to come to some arrangement even though i know you want to run in the opposite direction.
Supervised visitations could be the answer . I don;t think your son is old enough to make up his mind and he still needs your guidance and your support and seeing and knowing what his dad has been through may keep him clear of drugs later. in life . I think you may need to seek legal advice also The grandparents are trying to save their son through the grandson. I guess as a mom you would do just about anything to save a life of a loved one.

Lynne - posted on 09/16/2010

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If they truly have the best interests of your child in mind they would be fine with meeting up with him at your house or anywhere he is comfortable. He has total say-so; stay strong.

Jeanne - posted on 09/16/2010

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Hi Summer,

First and foremost I would like to say that I am so sorry your family has to go through this and it must be very confusing for your son. I don't understand how the grandparents can pressure your son in this manner since they never tried to stay in his life previously. If your son would like to see them I believe probably the best way at first is to meet them in a public place and keep the first couple of meetings short (you don't have to be seated with them but possibly a few tables over). Your son can then decide if he does or does not want to pursue these visits. He may want to see them because he doesn't want to disappoint them or simply because he is curious about his biological father's side of the family. And I know this may sound low but your sons biological dad has no interest in cleaning up or he would have done so already - if his son really mattered he would have done something about years ago. As for your ex mother in law enabling and hiding him...that is easy...tell whatever agency in your area that enforces c.s. payments where he is. And as for your son's "real dad"....it is the one who has been raising him, comforting him, driving him around and living with him for the past eight years. I like to say and I truly believe this saying: "Dad ain't who made ya...but rather who raised ya!". (I know it isn't grammatically correct...but it gets the point across).

My daughters bio dad's parents were involved for the first year of her life and then just stopped calling and visiting. They emailed me two years after I moved away from my hometown "demanding" that I move back and let them visit her or that they would sue for "visitation rights". I told them: "I am not moving back....go ahead and sue me." I never heard word one (that was two years ago) and Iater found out that unless the grandparents were the legal guardians of the child most courts will not even entertain a petition for visitation from either maternal or paternal grandparents.

I wish you good luck.

Nancy - posted on 09/16/2010

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Grandparents have no legal visitation rights (not in California, anyway). Sounds like a poisonous relationship for your son to be in. Dad is an addict and grandparents are enablers. YOU set the parameters of the visitation. If your son does not want to visit, that's his prerogative and if he changes his mind, they can visit him on your terms, at your house. YOU are the parent and while it's true that your husband has no legal decision making control over him, the grandparents have even less. Sounds like dad doesn't care if he sees his son or not, most addicts are too wrapped up in themselves to care about anyone else. Addiction is selfish. Trust your instincts.

Lucy - posted on 09/16/2010

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They can visit him but he should not go their home unless he insists on it. They " lost " their own son to drugs and alcohol but that doesn't give them the right to your son. I say tred softly.

Tammy - posted on 09/16/2010

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If it were me...I wouldn't want to put my son in the position of having to tell them in person if he doesn't want to. He shouldn't have to. Maybe he could write them a letter stating that he would be more comfortable if they came to visit him?Or that he would prefer you with him? So if they want to take him somewhere he could say, can my mom come? I certianly would continue to put my foot down about unsupervised visits out with them. That's just common sense. They are obviously up to something. If they get too pushy you may want to think about something legal on your end to head off something stupid on their part.

Shawna - posted on 09/16/2010

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Trust your instincts. This does not sound like a good situation. You're his mother. If she wants to be in his life, she'll respect that and follow your rules.

Melissa - posted on 09/16/2010

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You as your child's mother are their best advocate in this case. Don't let your ex-in-laws USE their grandson for their own pursuit of soberring up their son. Not sure what you think about proactively inviting them to a dinner or something neutral territory. It would give them an honest opportunity to get to know their grandson and vice versa. But it would also be on your terms and you can leave if the conversation goes sour. It can allow your son to explore his feelings about them, but he can escape if it's too uncomfortable.

Dora - posted on 09/16/2010

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Maybe I'm being paranoid, but are you sure these people are reliable? Will they bring him back? I think supervised visitation might be in order for one or two visits until you're sure everything will be all right. Then maybe they could take him out for an outing. By that time he will know if he wants to see them. Or the supervised visit could be with you and your son with you keeping an eye open.

Madeline - posted on 09/16/2010

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hi summer. trust your gut. let them visit him 1 day a week for an hour at your home if your boy is comfortable with that. if he's not, tell them to leave their contact details and he will get in touch when he's ready.

Linda - posted on 09/16/2010

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If they really cared about him, they wouldn't pressure him and they would spend time with him on your terms.

[deleted account]

I agree with everyone else that is saying to trust your instincts. I personally would call the ex-in-laws and tell them that you would meet them in a neutral place if your son wants to see them. You can take a book along to read at a distance - but still be able to see your son at all times. I would suggest an indoor place that only has 1 or 2 exits and you can kind of sit yourself between the two doors - that way if they tried to take him out, you could stop them. When they see that you are trying to cooperate and compromise - they might start listening to what you have to say (I know a long shot!) I guess my biggest thing is even though dad is a deadbeat and not a good example etc for your son, I wouldn't talk bad about him in front of your son. When your son is old enough and wants to know and is able to understand he will ask about his dad and then you can sit him down and be truthful - but not hateful.

I feel like I am rambling and not making sense - but I hope this helps some.

Jenasie - posted on 09/16/2010

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I would try to get your ex to let your current husband adopt him and bribe him with the fact that he wont have to pay c.s. anymore. For druggies thats the best out. Then you dont have to worry about anything legal and still just let it be your sons choice.

Ida - posted on 09/16/2010

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Just my opinion: Stick to what you said; they are welcome to come by your house and visit! I say this because neither you or your son really know these people. Use this as an opportunity to really get to know each other and go from there. Your families could meet some place of your choice and start from there on neutral grounds so no one feels even more uncomfortable.

Sherri - posted on 09/16/2010

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you are not keeping them away from your son you are protecting your son from a life of drugs alcohol and disappointment. I wouldn't let them see him unsupervised and if they start hounding him, visit is over. This age is very impressionable. Stay strong mom you are doing the right thing. Also, the non blood man is the dad. Blood does not make you dad being there does.

Heidi - posted on 09/16/2010

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I agree. If your gut says 'no' then you should follow it. Your son could always correspond with them through the mail...writing letters that you supervise of course. Then if Gma and Gpa follow the rules you might consider taking the next step. Always put your son first and keep him safe. If his dad isn't clean, then it could endanger your son to be around him. Once he has been clean for a while, you might allow the same sort of "through the mail" supervised relationship. Just a thought : )

Tammy - posted on 09/16/2010

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Stick to your guns.Im sorry and others may disagree but if they have been out of his life for this long then let them stay out.ESPECIALLY if it is causing your child distress.They are wanting to turn him into what they are.VICTIMS OF THEIR SONS ABERRANT LIFESTYLE.They are not considering the damage their son could do to this child.And this johnny come lately attitude of theirs sucks.IF they were so loving and concerned about the child then WHERE have they been for the past years?If they truly want to see him then they will abide by the rules you and YOUR HUSBAND lay down.In my opinion your husband IS his Daddy.Hes the one that has been there for your litttle boy.Biological father crawled in a bottle or a drug baggie and left you and your husband to make a life for your son.To support him emotionally,financially.physically,mentally and in every other way.If what you say is fact then your husband has been there when none of the others have.You and your son live with this man.Obviously your son loves him very much or he wouldnt be conflicted about the others.So no my dear do not give in to them.Keep your child safe with you and his real "Daddy"(the man you are NOW married to".Hes the one that has been there so let your ex-in-laws know that YES he does have a say in your sons life and he is the head of your house,you provider,your love,your childs Daddy.Remeber any man can be a Father but it takes a special man to be a Dad.And NEVER let your ex-in-laws feel that they can undermine yours or your sons relationship with your husband.I bet if you stick to your guns and make them abide by your rules concerning visitation the "new" will wear off and they will fade back out of the picture.It takes effort on their part to build a relationship with this child.It has to be on his time and his terms so that he can feel comfortable and not feel life as he knows it is being threatened.Dont let them "guilt" him into being with them or going over to their house to spend time with them.HE DOESNT KNOW THEM.SO no matter the blood tie his tie to your husband is stronger and thats where he feels safe and comfortable.Thsi is totally my opinion.But it is what it is.Your husband has been Daddy,his Father hasnt been daddy,his grandparents havent be there either.Some things are to late to fix and to me this sounds like one of those things.Good Luck and God Bless...

Annette - posted on 09/16/2010

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I would continue to extend the invitation for them to visit at your home. It sounds to me like the bio father has no intentions of changing his life anytime soon. If they really want a relationship with your son then they will make the effort to come to him to visit. Otherwise if they continue to insist knowing the condition their son is in I would stick to my guns. There could be a potential safety issue if he goes to them to visit.

[deleted account]

I'd say follow your feelings. They do not sound like very trustworthy people and I think you are doing the right thing by talking to your son about his feeling in the whole situation.

Nicole - posted on 09/16/2010

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it sounds like you are doing everything you can to PROTECT your son!! that is your job! and that's all you can do! it sounds like they will only ever threaten, and you are listening to your son!! He didn't want to go so you took him out of the situation even!!! I comend you on what you are doing, coming from a druggie dad myself and a mom allot like you keep it up he will thank you when he gets older!!! Keep him SAFE, and protect him physically, and emotionally!!! it's all you can do! maybe he might need to go to his grandparents to really see it, and know for himself (that's what happend to me and I haven't spoken to mine in almost 12 years now!!!) but that's a choice he'll have to make just respect it, and protect him as much as you can!! prepare him for what might happen if he does go over there, and what might happen if he doesn't.....keep it up and stay strong!! My mom did it on her own, sounds like you've got an amazing support in your husband now!! lean on him! Love him! It'll all work out!!

Denise - posted on 09/16/2010

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Unlike their son, If they are decent people tell them the only way your child can see them at this point is if you are with. Maybe they can come over and visit or go out to dinner with you there.

Laura - posted on 09/16/2010

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It sounds to me like your son shouldn’t even be given the option of seeing them without supervision. Putting him in a position to choose whether he wants to see them may be to overwhelming for him at his age. I agree that a restraining order may be necessary. Your family does not need this drama.

Jenny - posted on 09/16/2010

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Im with everyone else. Trust your instinct. Your gut and intuition wont steer you wrong. From personal experience, Ive kicked myself for going against my instinct in the past.

Belinda - posted on 09/16/2010

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I have a similar situation my ex husband hasnt been part of my sons lives for almost 13 years and nor have his family, my oldest is 16 and youngest 13. My husband I have now has been there father for the past 12 years and wants to give them his name but my ex husband refuses. My children dont want anything to do with them and I have also told them that it is there decision. They have phone numbers if they want to phone. My children dont get anything from them and I feel that they dont have the right to be part of their lives. My husband has supported these children all these years, including schooling, medical, food, clothes, everything. I feel that anyone can be a sperm donor but not everyone can be a dad. As for his family I would tell them to go away. Sorry but all they do is lie about us mothers and try to upset our children. Good luck hope he makes the right decision so far mine have.

Jenn - posted on 09/16/2010

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In my mind this entire issue is a safety concern. In our family where safety is a concern all the rules change. you are right, at 12 years old your son does not have the life experience with which to make informed decisions, and making that choice, especially with pressure from the grandparents must feel very overwhelming. In instances like this, where I want to empower my child, and at the same time not introduce added stress, I ask their opinion, assuring them that I weigh their opinion in my decision. I let them know that safety is the biggest concern, and where safety is involved the bottom line is parents make the final decision. I really believe at 12, kids still need to feel that net of security pretty tightly around them. as far as the actual visitation, stick with your gut. They can visit your son in your home, you could even choose to meet on neutral ground, food court at the mall, movie theatre, etc... my advice would be to continue these conversations outside the presence of your son. He can know the specifics, but he doesn't need the added stress of the daily battle. I might even tell mil that she needs to reword her messages to your son, or you are not going to share them with him. Make this all about him and his best interest.
I am sharing this from a place of trying to go back and undo some of the "power to make decisions" I handed to my son at way to early of an age, that have caused him much stress and put him in the position of feeling way to responsible for things I need to just take care of. just a moment of background... much love and luck. In the interest of all our children

Heather - posted on 09/16/2010

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I have skimmed some of the responses and wanted to let you know that I have been/still am in a similiar situation. Remember that you are doing the best you can. My ex walked out when my son was 2 1/2. He is now 13 1/2. They have seen each other twice during the 11 year period. Since then, I have found a wonderful man who has been part of my son's life for the last 7 years and who my son looks at as a father figure. My ex sends cs when he feels like it but works off the books and lives in another state, so there is not much I can do about it other than have him thrown in jail. While that is tempting, I don't ever want my son to blame me for the lack of contact between him and his father. My ex in-laws have visited 1 time (also live out of state), but they send him Christmas and b-day cards (along with a few random ones) saying that he needs to visit them and to tell me to send him down there on a plane. He seems to get that they are doing this on a guilty play and doesn't actually ask to see them.
I would say that you should be careful about what you say about whether your son should see his grandparents or his father. Tell your son that if he wants to see them, you suggest they either visit at your home or a neutral site (a park or a restaurant), but that you will be there. Tell him this is so that he is comfortable and that if he wants to leave (or for them to leave), you will take care of it. If he asks why you don't want him alone with them, be honest, but don't scare him. Say that you are concerned about some of the bad habits they and his father have and don't want him to get hurt.
Also, since you ex in-laws seem to have a problem with your husband, you are probably the one who should talk to them. If your son doesn't want to see them when they show up, you should walk out and tell them that. Don't force your son to talk to them, but don't speak badly about them generally.
Good Luck. You are doing the right thing by trying to protect him. :)

Patricia - posted on 09/16/2010

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Is your son and you decide. Talk to a lawyer or go to court and have an order saying that they can have supevised visits or just get an order saying they can't see him. at least that way you know the law is on your side and if they try to pressure you or your son you can call the police.

Elizabeth - posted on 09/16/2010

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your son is old enough to decide let him you and your husband are doing a great job let your son talk to someone not involved like a counselor if need m contract social service to have a safe meeting place for your son to go if they will not visit at your house take care

Diana - posted on 09/16/2010

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I agree with Tracy, be careful here! It is your duty as a mom to protect the interests of your child. As far as grandparents rights, Tracy is right, most states have no statute for GP rights. If they come to the house again, I would lay down some game rules---No pressuring your little one!!!!!

Joyce - posted on 09/16/2010

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if they will like to see him, it should be supervised and not in their property. Good luck.

Carol - posted on 09/16/2010

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I am sorry not only your son but yourself and your new husband have been put in an impossible situation and I want you to know I will put you on my prayerlist. I believe that you have already come up with the best possible solution. If ex Mom in law wants to have a relationship with your son then she needs to make every effort to set down with you and find out the rules that she will have to abide by when she comes into your home to visit him. He is almost at the age where he could make this decision but he neeeds your stability in guiding him through this minefield. My bet is that Exmom will soon tire of the visitation rules and either throw a fit and have a meltdown blaming you for everything or she will just fail to show regularly. Good Luck, Carol

Ana - posted on 09/16/2010

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My Ex-father in law threatend to sue me over visiting rights as well but what he didn't know was that Grandparents have no legal rights when it comes right down to it. If it does come to it for you and you see yourself in court, let yours & your husband's stability shine thru & the dead beat ex's jail time speak for him. Besides, your son is old enough to be able to speak to the judge. In the mean time you should look into a restraining order on the Grandpaprents

Heather - posted on 09/16/2010

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I think I would go and get some legal advise on this situation so you know your rights for the state or country you live in.
I would definitely only permit supervised access visits by the Grandparents, if they are also bringing their son along and if they want the visit so much they can pay the cost of it.

[deleted account]

My daughter grew up without her father and I thank God for that. He has never changed and she does not blame me, your son will not either becuase he does not know him, if he did and then you stopped him from seeing him that would be hard on him, however if your child does not know the dad and you should keep it that way. He is not old enough to make his own decisions, he does not know those people, yoru son does not know what someone with addictions are capable of doing, he does not know how to deal with the emotional issues, the manipulation they are capable of nor how to deal with a situation if the dad visits the grandparents, what if he is high on drugs? Protect your child as much as you can because his fathers family is not emotionally mature and they do not have boundries. Best of luck.
Cindy

[deleted account]

I agree, do not let him go with them. Set your boundries and stick to them. Tell them no and that they can visit on days that you set, not them and that they cannot show up like that and if they do do not let them see your child, they must know that you are strong and serious about your boundaris. They have to live with the choices they have made long ago. They are using the guilt trip to get your son to emotionally pull him into their mess. The statements in thier card is just an emotional ploy to get him to do what they want. Don't be sucked into their mess. And the dad, he is a deadbeat so let him lie, if he wanted the relationship he would have made the attempt long ago. Thier threat is just that, a threat, it will cost them thousands of dollars to even begin a law suite.
Best wishes
Cindy

Sharon - posted on 09/15/2010

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You sounded like you were doing everything healthy for you and your family. Good for you! However, if this still bothers you and you needed some support, you can always contact Al-Anon Family Group (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.h...)
in your area. Your son can also check out Alateen from the same website, as he is 12 already a teen.

[deleted account]

If your son really wants to meet with them, I would first start with letting them get together with you there but far enough that they can converse comfortably. That way if at any point your son feels unsure he can just leave with you. 12 year olds know more than they let on but you are correct in that their insight isn't the same as an adult.

Mari - posted on 09/15/2010

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If he were my son I would not let the father or in-laws see him If she is enabling her son with the drinking and drugs absolutely not They may take him and leave and never give him back He has a wonderful father in your husband and that is the bond that should be nurtured When your son is legal age of consent it will be up to him if he wants to see his father because then he will be old enough to see him for what he is and make up his own mind as to whether he wants him to be a part of his life At this age (12) it is your responsibility to keep him safe and that is to be with you and your husband!

Delores - posted on 09/15/2010

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Only You Know what kind of people they are ...As a grandparent I would hate for a daughter in law to not let Me see the kid over something My son did..They cant help what He does...It is Your job to keep Your Son safe If they would harm Him You can say they can only see Him with You there

[deleted account]

Only allow any member of your x's family to visit at your house. I think that's the most diplomatic thing to do. You could even allow the cousins to come for sleep overs

Kelly - posted on 09/15/2010

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Your the parent and he is still the child so, follow your instinct, everything sounded much better before you even got reinvolved with them. Do some research on possibly having your husband adopting him, as a trade to have your ex's family completely out of the picture, and this stops your ex from any future involvement, and then he may be free of child support owed. Healthy environment create healthy children!

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