Explaining a broken family tree to 4-year olds

Donna - posted on 08/19/2010

My suggesion, think about the need for a 4 year old to know Adult things? What do they need to know for?, is it going to help them? is it going to improve the situation and will they really understand?
Kids are Kids and Adults should not put our pressures or adult ideas onto them at such young ages.
If you must explain, drawings are a good medium for helping children understand (many children are visual), or just skim the details and just let them know that grandpa and mum arnt best friends (or something like that) so they understand the concepts. If you need to provide details, wait until they are old enough to understand and relate.
I hope that helps.
Just to let you know. I have 2 little daughters and I lost my dad and brother years ago. I dont speak of them, but every now and then we see photos and I talk about who they are etc, but dont go into any details and they understand the words that arnt said but in a way that has meaning for them.
Good Luck
Donna

Krystal - posted on 12/04/2009

I think the best way to approach this would be honestly. Ofcoarse, without too much detail! They don't need to know much. It's like being adopted. It's not something that they won't find out about, even if you never wanted them to. Because they will find out about it from someone else, if you don't tell them. You also don't have to paint a horrible dark picture of him either. If you ever decided they should meet him, you wouldn't want them to fear him or be angry with him. I was raised by my step-dad and my kids know that I have two dads and why. They also know my real dad. They love both of them but are closer to my step-dad. My real dad wasn't the best either, but I don't expect much and neither do they. In years to come, your girls may want to know more, but you only have to tell them as much as you want. Saying something about him not being good for your family rught now will work for a while. God Bless You! I'm going to say a prayer for you, that you will have wisdom in this.

Jeanne - posted on 12/04/2009

They are not likely to ask as many questions as you are afraid, just because there are things kids don't want to know. Take a deep breath and relax, You are not really introducing the kids to "family" you are introducing them to life. At their age keep it simple, explain that some people have more in common than others, keep the focus on building positive relationships, but before they start school you also want to introduce the concept of being selective. There are lots of things that we don't want are children to ever encounter, but they are going to; our real job as parents is to give them enough information to navigate through these situations successfully.

Sue - posted on 12/03/2009

melissa

I would tell the truth in small, age dependent doses. "This is your aunt Sally", no more needs to be said. I would answer questions they ask, but not offer more information than they ask for. The answer to why they had not met her before can be "she lives far away" (if true), or "we had different mommies and did not grow up in the same house". "Sometimes Daddies, although they love their children very much, can't be with them", is another answer to a difficult question, If they ask why your dad and mom split up, or why he doesn't call, it is OK to say "I don't know" and probably better than assuming his intentions. Honesty is definately the best policy. No big ugly secrets come out later that way. Just a teaspoon of honest, gentle information at a time. They will come to accept the situation as "the way it is"

Good luck

Grammy sue

 

Quoting Melissa:

explaining a broken family tree to 4-year olds

I'm looking for some advice on how to explain some adult situations. I have 4-year old girl twins and up until now, I just haven't mentioned some members of the family at all. My father and I don't really speak and haven't seen each other in about 10 years. I do, however, still speak to my half-sister. She has never actually seen or spoken to my kids, but has decided that she really wants to come and visit and meet her nieces. I am really struggling with how to tell my kids who she is. They are smart kids and I know that after I tell them that she is my sister, they will ask how that is and it will lead to questions about my father. I have no intentions of having them meet him at any point in the future because I know that he will never be part of their lives. He was barely a part of mine. I don't really know what to tell them about why they have never met him. They love their other grandpa and I don't want them to think they are missing out on anything, because they definitely aren't. I don't want to lie to them, but they ceretainly don't need to know the truth either. If anyone has any suggestions of how to explain things like this to 4-year olds, I would greatly appreciate the input and advice. Thanks.

Yvonne - posted on 12/03/2009

I have a great big blended family. My two oldest sons were born to neither my husband nor I, but to his ex-wife. But they live with us and they are ours, the second youngest is his from his previous marriage and our youngest is mine from a previous marriage. So all of this could have lead to a lot of confusion when we were married eight years ago. Fortunately all of our family has learned to embrace them all as our kids. That has meant a lot of aunts, uncles and cousins that may be biologically related to some, but not to all. It doesn't matter. Your kids cannot have too many people love them. When you have "extra" family your kids are less likely to notice who is missing. I would simply tell them this is their Aunt So&So here for a visit. When and if they ask questions later, do not refer to your father by the same name as they call the Grandpa that they are close to, that will avoid the thought that they are missing out. And it will probably be several years before they ask more questions, at this point you don't know if your sister will remain involved or not, so wait to cross that bridge when you come to it.. Do not even get into "half" or "step" sister with them, it is too abstract for them at 4. She is your sister that you haven't seen for a while, just that simple. At this age your kids are more likely to remember her as "that lady who brought presents" or "had funny hair" than being concerned with genealogy. My boys range from 17-23 and they only care that "Aunt Anne" loves them, they don't care that she is really the ex-wife of my husband's brother and really no blood relation to any of them. Children are resilient and aren't as concerned about the definition of "family" as adults are. Best wishes for a wonderful reunion with your sister!

Stephanie - posted on 12/03/2009

I would just be honest with them I at one point will have to explain the samething to my three year old son and the one on the way .I was Told so meany things as a kid about why my dad wasn't in my life .That I think the best way to deal with it is by being honest. Kid are not dumb by any means so be honest , that way they grow up know that mom was always honest with them .I also will have to explain how my dad's sister is in my life being that she is married to my uncle. I don't know any easy way to tell your children , but by just being honest kids have a pure heart and will understand that your half sister has nothing to do with the way you father is ..Good luck!

Stephanie - posted on 12/03/2009

My husband comes from one of those perfect families. They fall in love marry, have children, grow old and die together. I, however, come from a very dysfunctional family. So, when my three year old started asking who was who I told him. I did sugar coat bits and pieces to make it not so graphic on why family members on mommy's side aren't as close as daddy's side. When he first meets someone I do tell him what they are to him and wait until he comes back to me later asking how that person is that person to him. I don't sit down and draw a big family tree about it though, explaining why half the branches are broken off and still got limbs popping up on it. Good Luck with your twins.

Madison - posted on 12/03/2009

I only kno my moms sister and she told me n my brother the reason we didnt kno her mom was because she wasnt nice and that was that

Sandra - posted on 12/03/2009

Well, I see you have had some good advice from great Moms. I think that you can keep it simple, introduce her by name (not "Aunt"), I'm sure they have meet your friends that come to visit, and usually a 4-year old will hardly take notice. They will probably just keep on playing. Let the twins get to know her in thier own way. Have you thought about your feelings towards your half-sister? Just because she wants to meet your kids, doesn't mean you need her to. You can have a great relationship with her, without involving the twins. If she has not shown an interest in your twins for 4 years, how will her presence in thier lives benefit them now? Does she plan to take a long term interest in them, or will she be a fleeting moment in their lives. I would question your half-sister's motives. That would tell you a lot about how you introduce her to them. Sometimes I have found more care and nurturing towards my kids from my neighbors than from family. A 4-year old knows love when they see it, so I do not think it matters to them what her name will be, or how she came to love them. Hope that helps. Love, Light, & Laughter!

Michelle - posted on 12/03/2009

I would just tell your girls that she is your sister. If and when they ask any questions just answer them honestly. If they ask about your dad just tell them that you do not see your dad and leave it at that.

Andrea - posted on 12/03/2009

I can relate 100% to this.. I have not spoken to my "father" in almost 2 pr 3 years.. I have a 2 year old son and an 8 month old Daughter ( 61/2 months adjusted)... I did however try to call him with both kids to let him know.. But now that he is with is new girlfriend they do not speak to us at all.. My brother and him still talk from time to time... He was at my nephew's b-day party last Feb.. I was prego with my daughter and he didn't speak to me.. I did however get very upset when everyone there kept tell my son that he was his "papa" I looked at him and told him that he is not his "papa" that his name is dwight.. He has only seen my son 2 or 4 times in 2years.. He has never seen my duaghter, who was born at 36 weeks with Gastroschisis.. We spent 7 weeks in the NICU and he and his woman never called or showed up.. But I look at it like this if and when my kids start to ask question i will just tell them the facts.. I however don't feel that i am doing anything wrong with my kids and him.. My kids have 2 Awsome papa's and have 1 awsome NANA and 1 nana that we jsut lost 6 months after my daughter was born.. As long as you are ok with what and how you explain it to your daughter that is whats most important.. You are her mom and you will always know whats best for her at these young ages.. Hope this is helpful.. Take Care and Best Wishes...

Ashley - posted on 12/03/2009

whatever you do Don't lie, i have a grandma that we hardly see and didn't speak of much then one day she showed up and my daughter who is 4 wants to know who she was? Told her it was pop pop's mom and that was it

Debra - posted on 12/03/2009

The definition of family is so varied these days it is often hard to find the correct way to explain any of them! We take the view that a family is a group of people who are related and that love and care for each other (even thought that is not always the case). We have taken the time to explain that a family can consist of a mom and a dad and kids or just a mom and kids etc. It is helpful to use examples of other friends that might have different set ups. I do not agree with hiding things from your children but I would caution saying things that are beyond their comprehension such as abuse and divorce. A simple mom married dad but she already had a child who is your sister etc. For your situation I would make it light and call her auntie. We have lots of "aunts" who are really my best friends and we tell our daughters that they can trust anyone that we call aunt and uncle (but this may not be relevant to you).

Helen - posted on 12/03/2009

I wouldn't hide anything or make it in to a big deal either. I'm going through this myself with my 9 year old (my 8 month old is thankfully far too young right now) I am adopted and was split from my sister and two brothers (well half sister,half brother and brother) but adopted with my half brother. My adoptive dad doesn't have much to do with us. I have always been honest and freddy has always known i was adopted but has been asking lots of questions since i found my sister earlier this year. It's not been easy having to explain why we were taken in to care (my father was violent) and why we shouldn't rush into finding my other siblings or father. Let alone explaining who my sister's dad is in relation to us. Honesty really is the best policy

Sooz - posted on 12/03/2009

hmmm .... this is tricky and I can definitely relate. I think you need to tell them whatever you are most comfortable with IF they ask. And then keep it simple enough that hopefully they do not ask questions - such as "This is my half sister. When Grandma and Grandpa divorced, Grandpa remarried (insert so&so if you want) and had kids." Simple and to the point. If they want to see your dad and you don't want them too - just simply tell them some day and leave it at that.

We have something similar to this situation in my husbands family - him and his sister feel completely different about their dad and it has caused some problems along the way, but luckily we are still close. It still causes hurt feelings on both sides, but we somehow manage to always come back together. I also had the same problem on my side with my one brother not wanting his family to have anything to do with my dad - but then I had kids and I'm not the type to have separate celebrations for different family members - it's about the child, not whether you get along with this person or that person. Needless to say on my side my dad is now even invited for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve and I think it's wonderful that we are able to do this. I believe that it is not up to me to choose who in our family my kids choose to know/be close to/love/etc - however, I AM the one who decides how much time is spent with those family members. I also don't allow myself to pass along my judgements/bad feelings/etc regarding anyone - that is also for my kids to discover as they grow. Family is family in my mind and there is no denying that fact no matter how much you may want to. There are special circumstances of course where abuse of any kind takes precedence over that but over all that is how I look at the whole situation.

I hope this helped in some way and I wish you luck....family situations are never easy.

Rose - posted on 12/03/2009

i am sort of in the same situation except my daughter is only 21 months. I plan on telling her the truth about everything except in her language as soon as she asks. The only person in my family i talk to on a regular basis is my older sister and i have 2 sisters and 6 brothers. my daughter has met or seen them all at least once except for 2 of my brothers. When they get older they will realize every family has their flaws. Good luck.

Britney - posted on 12/03/2009

I have a very very mixed up family, I have 4 nephews who are 14, 10, 7, and 2 by an ex step sister who I consider to be my sister, and I have 2 children who are 10 and 7 and my son is by my ex step mothers newphew, I have had 2 step moms and I have sisters by both of them which are my childrens aunts, none of them have asked any questions until recently and really it has only been the older ones, the 14 and 10 year olds, so I wouldn't even worry about explanation quite yet for a 4 year old. I would just let them know that you have a sister and at that age they probably won't even inquire who she belongs to and how she is they don't usually know about any of that stuff especially at 4 but by chance if they do just let them know that you had another dad a long time ago but you don't know where he is, they will probably just drop it if they even ask anything at all. My youngest sister is 10 and is still trying to figure out how we are all sisters and how we share a dad and she asks if my mom is her stepmom then cuz hers is mine and the whole logistics is very confusing to them and most the time they don't even wonder, it just is what it is to kids.

Jane - posted on 12/03/2009

I always used this rule; if they are old enough to ask the question they are old enough to get a truthful answer. Of course you'll have to make the answers simple as possible so they'll understand & only provide an the answer to the specific question they asked & they may ask more questions & maybe they won't. I've always believed honesty is best even when the questions are hard to answer & hopefully when they get older they'll be honest w/ you too! Good luck!

Randi - posted on 12/03/2009

just tell your kids their aunt is coming visit don't make a big deal out of it, they are still young and if they do ask just say you both have the same daddy. you might want to check your library and see if they have any books for children that you can read to them and they will have some understanding

Sharon - posted on 12/03/2009

My fathers' family was a mess.



I never noticed. We had plenty of friends of the family around. My dads' best friend was our uncle.



4 yr old require no explanation of such matters. This only matters to you. As long they have plenty of attention from their mother & father they don't care about anyone else.

Ashby - posted on 12/03/2009

I wish I could help, such a sticky situation. My 5 year old has never asked questions, I just tell him who is who and leave it at that.