Extreme views on mothering

Mel - posted on 06/15/2009

i love it to Lisa it sounds great :)

Geralyn - posted on 06/15/2009

Quoting lisa:

I'm wondering how you'd feel about having more control over the kind of feedback you get when you post. We could build in a menu of options, and you could check off what you'd like to get back from other moms from a list that could include: support, stories of similar experiences, inspiration, ideas, recommendations (solutions, products, plans of action), resources (books, experts, websites, etc.), debate...or honest, no holds barred feedback.

Please let me know if you like this idea. If there's support for it, we'll implement it!

I like it!

Lisa - posted on 06/15/2009

I'm the Community Manager here at Circle of Moms and want to tell you that I'm really excited to see this subject being discussed. The vast majority of the women who use Circle of Moms engage in ways that are helpful, supportive, and even uplifting for others. It's a small minority of people who antagonize others deliberately, but because we are all sharing such an intimate part of our lives here, those voices can feel loud and domineering, way beyond their actual volume. I don't think there's a single, straightforward way to enforce community standards, because with four million members spanning many countries, we are a truly diverse community, each of us with our own values, our own culture, and our own unique take on motherhood. Each of us also comes here looking for something unique: on some days support and validation, on others inspiration, and on others, lively debate. What's cool about Circle of Moms is that the community is so large and so engaged that you can almost always find what you need -- but you have to look in the right places! With this in mind, I'm wondering how you'd feel about having more control over the kind of feedback you get when you post. We could build in a menu of options, and you could check off what you'd like to get back from other moms from a list that could include: support, stories of similar experiences, inspiration, ideas, recommendations (solutions, products, plans of action), resources (books, experts, websites, etc.), debate...or honest, no holds barred feedback.

Please let me know if you like this idea. If there's support for it, we'll implement it!

Chantel - posted on 06/15/2009

I agree sometimes the comment get really rude, but what bothers me more is when it goes way off topic because a couple of people disagree and then they bring up things the other has said in a different post. Then you have 10 posts between 2 people that have nothing to do with the original question!! Give your opinion and move on!! If you don't agree or like someone take it to your wall or PM each other so we don't have to read it all!!

Alison - posted on 06/13/2009

I agree with what Tammy is saying. I think everyone is entitled to their view and it's not a crime to back up what you are saying with examples and a study. I sometimes think people over react to this and get very offended saying "i didn't ask for a lecture" or "this is supposed to be a supportive site". If one disagrees with the advice then don't read the study and ignore the post. There really is no need to bash the person who posted no matter what their view is. (providing they express it in a respectful manner of course). There is a difference between one who expresses their opinion however unwelcome it is and one who is abusive to other posters and I really wish people would recognise that.

Tammy - posted on 06/13/2009

I agree that the actual slanging, name calling and f-ing is wrong. I do think that what people SEE as slanging is sometimes just a person expressing an opinion or stating a fact that the reader doesn't like. I enjoy starting and contributing to controversial threads because I am interested in what other people are thinking and why. In most cases, our opinions are interesting and useful, but sometimes there IS a RIGHT answer to a question, regardless of how you, I or anyone feels about it. I've noticed that those issues often lead to the most slanging. One reason why is that it is really FRUSTRATING to someone stating a well documented and proven truth to be brushed off in favor of, "Well, I did it and my kid is JUST FINE." While I'm happy for you that your child is doing well, that is not really the point. I take very seriously what I write here. I don't know how naive a question-asker is. Maybe she is going to read what we write here and go straight out and do whatever we say. In that case, if there is a RIGHT answer to her question and I happen to know it, I'm going to give it. For instance, I know that I and others are not popular for saying that babies should not get solid food until they're 6 months old but that IS what every expert on the planet says. I think it's safe to assume that they all say that for a reason. It's well and good that everyone on here fed their kids steak and eggs the day after they were born and they are JUST FINE, but apparently there were babies in the scientific studies who were NOT FINE. There were babies who had serious even life threatening problems because food was introduced too early. Otherwise, the experts would not have come to this conclusion. What if the person who asks that question on here is the mother of THAT BABY, the one in however-many who die from it? I'd like her to be able to be informed on that topic so that if her child does get sick she'll know what is happening because someone told her. If that offends, I guess I'll have to live with being offensive.

Mel - posted on 06/13/2009

i agree with Emily im afraid to post certain question now because people bring them back up and use them to insult. i would really like to post a question about my partner and how to convince him we need to try for another baby now due to my fertility problems, but i know the natsy ones will use it against me in future threads so i will not dare post it. everything gets twisted. some one says they tap their kid, gets changed to smacked, hit, beat, abuse some one says they let their baby CIO gets changed somehow to letting thier baby scream for hours, me saying how my little girl used to eat peanut butter off her rusks at 3 months for the fat got changed to me force feeding her peanut butter. its all crap because the main page does not get moderated and needs to be

Emily - posted on 06/13/2009

Another problem that I notice is that some moms are actually asking for advice on a topic. Insead of offering advice all they get is a lot of lectures from those who do not believe in what they are doing. Let me give a few examples here...I read a post from someone who was asking how to let her child "cry it out". Clearly that mom had decided that this approach worked best for her family. The only responses to the post were lecturing on how harmful CIO is. I don't understand why anyone who didn't believe in CIO would have even responded. Another example is more personal. I am in the process of weaning my 12 mo old twins from BF, I have some questions but I'm afraid to post them because I know that I will mostly get lectures saying that I should be BF for up to two years and let the babies decide when they are done nursing. Some people have legit questions that don't get answered because posters get so wrapped up in spreading their opinions.

Cathy - posted on 06/13/2009

I think that when a thread asks for opinions, then every person has a right to put there individual points of view across, however extreme. It becomes wrong when that opinion gets attacked for being different from other peoples. There are numerous instances where an innocent post in a thread can be taken completely out of context by a few people and the original topic gets forgotton in favour of bullyish attacks and everyone seems to jump on the bandwagon. I think the mob mentality is disgusting. If you disagree with someone then you should atleast have a rational and polite response, not start with name calling and bitchy rants. As the saying goes ... you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar!

Firebird - posted on 06/13/2009

Quoting Natasha:

Extreme views on mothering

It seems to me there are a few mothers who are insistant on getting their fanatic point across, at the cost of offending every other mother here. I do not think it is helpful and makes an already divided and confused Mother more anxious. I believe this forum is to support other Mothers, rather than alienate them.

Please, if you wish to respond, be poliet and refrain from arguing....we are adults.

This is an excellent thread and it's about time someone said something about all the uncalled for behavior on this forum.I can't really help but notice that at this point a lot of familiar names are not present in this discussion. Several of  the missing names are quite often seen giving "advice" along with crude and nasty comments that are really just not acceptable. Maybe this will prompt them to behave in a manner fit for civilized society. I myself am considering leaving this group because of all the lack understanding and acceptance. I've never personally been blasted for anything I've said but I really don't like reading all of the junk that people write. It's really sad state that this group is in.

Geralyn - posted on 06/13/2009

Quoting Allison:

 I have noticed that there are some folks that take their parenting approach to a religious level, it seems...breastfeeding, natural births, babywearing, co-sleeping, attachment parenting, etc.

Gee, I am not sure why you single out moms who believe in BFing, natural births, babywearing, co-sleeping, attachment parenting, etc. as taking it to a religious level or, other posts I've seen call them fanatics.  Just because a mom believes in those things and expresses opinions or advice about it doesn't make her "religious" or fanatical about it.  There are moms that believe in baby training, CIO methods, etc., who are just as strong in their opinions about the use of their techniques.

I am a BFing, babywearing, co-sleeping, attachment parenting mom, and I have loved every minute of it.  I certainly have learned that in making those choices, I am in the minority and the majority of moms do not subscribe to some or all of those things.  I am comfortable with sharing my thoughts on an issue and what has worked for me, and I am comfortable with having moms disagree with me and express different opinions.  I am not religious or fanatical about it, nor are most of us. 

Let's have meaningful dialogue, from all sides, about issues moms face!!!!

Allison - posted on 06/12/2009

In everything, moderation. (Not moderators...I mean too much of anything is bad) I have noticed that there are some folks that take their parenting approach to a religious level, it seems...breastfeeding, natural births, babywearing, co-sleeping, attachment parenting, etc. There is nothing wrong with any of those things in any degree, as long as your method benefits your family and your child's well-being. There are so many more important things in raising children than, say, formula vs. breastmilk. What if I BF my child but never disciplined him? He'd turn out worse than a well-trained formula-fed child. Everyone has their own situation, their own unique baby. We are here to offer advice and share our experience, what has worked or not worked. At least, that's why I'M here. : )

Dawn - posted on 06/12/2009

All mothers are different depending on their culture, country and as granny would say your upbringing. i think we are here to help each other, so lets do that. Life is too short and as mothers in today's society it is already hard especially without the extended family around. in the caribbean(Barbados), family dynamics have changed, children are no longer raised by the whole family, this have created a void for young mothers and children. As a young mother of three, this forum is important, to connect with others is a blessing. i am hoping this will continue.,

Dawn - posted on 06/12/2009

Natasha, I came VERY close to quitting being a part of Circle of Moms for this very reason. Mostly, what bothers me is when someone is deliberately trying to provoke confrontation rather than seeking information. I have never been personally "attacked," but it has bothered me immensely when others have--I even saw one mom call another a child abuser for leaving them in the highchair for a while (supervised) while throwing a tantrum. I don't have room in my life for that kind of toxic behavior! As it is, I have scaled WAY back on how much I check out this site. It is good to read from other posters that the smaller communities have less of that...I'll have to check into that!

Jakki - posted on 06/12/2009

Hear hear Geralyn!

Geralyn - posted on 06/12/2009

I am not even bothered by the people that defend their opinions passionately. The posters that I think take away from this board are the ones that are making caustic statements just to heat up an otherwise fairly civilized debate. I do enjoy some of the smaller groups where less of that goes on, and I talk with people who have similar interests but even different opinions. I can see through the emotional writing and the people who are defensive and all of that. That, to me, is normal conversation.



Alison, I am a moderator of one of the smaller groups, and I have never deleted a conversation because I disagree with what was said. [Actually, I have never deleted a conversation. Period.] If I were to delete a conversation, or lock a conversation, it would be based upon complete and utter rantings that are not germaine to the topic at hand and become meaningless personal attacks or bashings against members. There are definitely toxic personalities on here that do not contribute to the discussion and lack the personal communication and social skills to be able to argue or defend their point in a debate. While they certainly have a right to be a member, we do not have to give them attention, even negative attention, in our responses. If we were to say to one of thes toxic posters, I simply disagree with you, and then continue to dialogue with posters who actually have good input whether they have a different opinion or not. Then, perhaps the toxic posters would learn that to participate in this community, they have to add value to the discussion and not clog up the conversations with their rantings. [I hate having to sift through meaningless rants to find information that has value.] Or in the alternative, these toxic posters will find another forum for ranting.

Tiffany - posted on 06/12/2009

I have to agree.

But for different reasons.

People have asked in forums - for example - about breastfeeding, or natural birth, solid foods, etc.

And that mother who asked for people's opinions or advice wants ONLY that.

So we give ours advice/opinions.

And then other mothers see our advice or opinions, and decide to lash out.

I dont understand that.

We are trying to help, and, yes, the topical may be controversial, but thats no reason to tell people they are wrong or to be rude about it.



Personally I had a natural child birth, but thats because I beleive a woman's body is built capable to do so, and that it benefits the baby and mother. So if I go onto a forum where, say, the mother is asking about types of birth, or how to cope with a natural birth etc etc,and I answer her with some advice, why must someone come back at me because of it?



Also, breast is best. That doesnt mean I dislike the mothers who decide to formula feed from day one, it just means *I* am educated in breastmilk benefits, and *I* decided to breastfeed, and if any mother asks my advice or opinion on bfing, I am going to tell them what I know is best. And if that mother decides different, thats ok! I was just there to give some words of help.



Mothers need to stick together. Its tough.

Alison - posted on 06/12/2009

I sometimes think that peoples posts look worse than the original poster intended. Even after re-reading my own above posts, I'll admit they look a bit obnoxious. That was not my intention.



Some moms vent by expressing their strong opinions. A few others on COM's seem to be very easily offended. Others like to log on just to see how the debate between the above two unfolds. I see elements of myself in all of the above examples. My point is that all moms need to vent because we have a hard job. None of us are perfect moms and none of us are perfect people either.



I find that the best thing for me is to seek advice on the other communities on COMs that are relevant to the topic if I need advice or support. I have never started a thread on the main community and probably never will unless my purpose is to start a debate or to get a variety of opinions. If you start a thread on here you need to develop a very thick skin. I still think this site is tame compared to other forums that are out there.

Sandi - posted on 06/11/2009

Even the most confident parents are going to be confused, indecisive, or nervous at some point, I think. I'm sure of the parents who insult others in an effort to spread their own solutions are just being obnoxious, but I wonder if some so adamantly defend their choices as a result of insecurity???

Julie - posted on 06/11/2009

I am definitely NOT PERFECT ... but I am mom, I forget a warm jersey at home for my girls, I take off my jersey and give it to them. I get grumpy when they wake me up at night, and fall asleep when I am meant to be rubbing their sore tummy. I don't listen enough sometimes, I am sometimes just too tired and stressed to cook a wholesome meal for them, and 2 minute noodles is okay. Many a days I eat myself up about things I did or didn't do, but honestly woman are way too hard on themselves and I was too. Then one day I heard this saying .... "How does a child spell love?" .... "T.I.M.E", they don't care if you forgot their jersey at home, they were warm when you gave them yours, or when you took them in your arms, they don't care if you didn't cook them a wholesome meal, cause their tummy was full, they don't care if you didn't rub their tummy all night, cause they fell asleep anyway, but they do care about the little hugs, laughter and the guidance you give them through discipline, as that will give them the guidance in the years forward to become a mom.

We are not perfect, and we all have our own ideals on parenting, I just know I am doing right, cause whenever something good happens, my girls talk to me, when they are sad they come to my arms ... when I am ill, they care for me in a way that I have never been cared for by anyone. We try to be the best we can, but are limited or enabled by whatever our upbringing brought to the table on how to be a parent, and my child doesn't love me anymore than your child loves you!

One last thing ... I am so against abuse in children. But I read the other day ... "Even an abused child, loves their mom"

Alison - posted on 06/11/2009

Can I also note that it's not a moderators job to delete posts and ban people just becuase they dissagree with each other or share their strong opinion once in a while even if it does offend. And to be fair, this is the reason many people come on here whether they admit it or not.

Alison - posted on 06/11/2009

To be fair this is the net. It's not the best place to get support because differnt people have differnt opinions and sometimes comments look worse when they are written because you can't see the posters body language or hear the tone of voice.



There are mums on here that dissagree with my posts and I have read things that I dissagree with too. I have even read posts discussing practices that I completely dissaprove of. For the most part I have tried to make my posts general to avoid attacking one person or causing offence, but thats just me.



Yes there are posts on here that have made me feel like someone is judging my parenting as bad, but then again, I have also read posts ffrom other moms that have made me think "wow, I have a long way to go before I get that bad". Judging from some of the recent posts I have read I feel like a flippin great mom at the moment. You just have to take the good with the bad and say "oh well, this is the net".

Natasha - posted on 06/11/2009

Looking through these forums it seems that there are several issues. There are a few posters who view that their way of doing things is the only correct way and can sometimes get nasty as evidenced in some of the breast feeding/bottle feeding discussions. It also seems that some people ask for opinions when what they want is to hear that their choices are the best. When someone disagrees or offers a differing view they take offense and get upset. Some people view mothering as a competitive sport. They want everyone to do things the way they do. Others just want to be constantly told that what they are doing is "best", even when what they are doing could be dangerous.

Personally, I enjoy sharing ideas but at the end of the day, I own all the decisions I make and if someone doesn't like how I parent my child, it doesn't mean that I am right and they are wrong, or even that I am wrong and they are right. It simply means that we are different.

Jennifer - posted on 06/11/2009

I think that what everyone here has posted is true. However you must realize that the reason that these particular people respond with such negativity and all-out-attacks is because they are fanatics. Fanatics are people who believe in something with such conviction that no other opinion could possibly be right, and they will defend, criticize, and debase others to try and get "you" to feel the same way that they do. You CAN NOT reason with a fanatic. You CAN NOT change a fanatics mind. All you can do is ignore their inflammatory remarks. I believe in "X" and you believe in "Y" will NOT work on a fanatic because they believe it is their mission to convert everyone to their line of thinking. I know that at one point in our lives we have all run across these type of people...and we may even have some of these issues ourselves. What we need to do is to let that person vent and then just skip over their posts as if they were not there, especially if the moderators are not going to police the activity. I can only hope that people will learn to respect others points of view.

Alexandria - posted on 06/11/2009

No one is perfect. Everyone has there own way of doing things. People cannot push there views on others just because it is right for one person does not make it right for others. Women seem to think now that it is a competition to be the best in everything. because we are still trying to prove ourselves in the world. We need to work together to be better though. No one can be the best alone.

Sarah - posted on 06/11/2009

Hi Natasha, i think parenting is such a touchy subject, and people feel very passionately about it. People have very strong views on certain subjects and they want people to understand where they are coming from.
i think this site is great, but sometimes people perhaps phrase things in a confrontational manner. it's hard because you can't tell tone of voice through a computer screen! also, with people coming from different countries, they have been given differing medical advice in regards to the upbringing of their kids.
We are all going to disagree, but when it comes to offending people and name calling, then the whole point to the site is kind of being missed.
A site full of women is bound to cause friction (unfortunately!), a site full of women discussing the most important part of their lives, their kids, well that's CERTAINLY going to cause friction!! haha!! :)

Victoria - posted on 06/11/2009

Wow! I just joined the forum and now I'm nervous to share my experiences! I thought this was an idea board. As a parent of 5 my only resource as a young parent was trial and error and a handful of magazines that just MIGHT touch on information I happened to need at that moment.



No one is a STEPFORD Mom--all perfect and all alike in our beliefs, values, and practices. But we need each other to comfort us as we go through the trials of parenthood, support each other when we have done ALL we know and nothing is working, and enable all of us to be the best we can be.



"Mother" is one of the best titles to hold in the world. It can't be earned at any college or university, but it is one that holds the highest level of respect. As moms, we know how tough this "career" choice truly is and we should treat each other with the respect we all deserve. We are "colleagues" of sorts and we need each other to make our "business" succeed in their future!



Thanks for the warning...and I'll try to make my responses appear as suggestions or ideas, not an attack!

Mel - posted on 06/10/2009

yeah there are a few i can think of their names in my head. they continue arguing a point and insisting they are right and when someone tries to say otherwise they name call and spread vicious lies and resort to very very low insults. unfortunately the admin does not moderate this site the way she should and therefore nothing is done and i have seen many people leave COMs due to being shut down so badly on here i still keep in contact with them thru fb but its just sad they felt so hurt and put down that they decided not to come back even if they just innocently wrote one question. example someone wrote about her partner hitting her and advice and just because she decided to stay with him since he was not and is not doing it anymore she got so much crap it was completely unfair. even i got crap for telling her to sort things out. so anyway you cant change these people all you really can do is make sure the OP especially is aware that what they are saying is wrong and unfair

Catherine - posted on 06/10/2009

I think women are so hard on eachother in general it is really sad. Becoming a mother is such an emotional rollercoaster we all make mistakes and need guidance. I totally agree with you, we need to treat eachother better. And what was that good 'ol saying our moms taught us? If you dont have anything nice to say, then dont say anything at all.