Father of my child is throwing out all her nice stuff!

Chelsea - posted on 12/24/2012 ( 36 moms have responded )

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I am at my wits end with my daughters father. In the last month I have lost a total of 100 dollars worth of my child's clothing. I keep all receipts of items I purchase and keep a log of what is missing when she comes back from her visitation. I confronted him about this when her very nice outfit was missing off her back that I had sent her in. She came back in something too small for her. When I confronted him he admitted on tape, he knows I record everything, that he and his gf do not like what I send her in so they throw everything out. I have been sending her in cheaper items, but they still throw them out. What can I do... I am loosing a lot of money and my daughter is loosing out on nice things. I am writing to you now because he is now throwing out her toys she takes with her too. He threw out her birthday gift she had gotten recently. She was extremely upset and said daddy won't let me have stuff you buy,because you bought it. She is very aware of what he is doing and it makes me mad. He doesn't pay child support at all, he is ordered too but he doesn't pay, I have called child support and they seem tone no help at all. I have talked to my lawyer and he has been drug into court over this and the judge ordered him to knock all of this off and that his gf cannot be around, due to other issues with her, but they continue to break order, what can I do???

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Shelly - posted on 12/25/2012

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what I would do is harsh but might help since he not paying take him back to court for contempt of not paying support. but because of issues of the GF not able to be around your daughter and is breaking the court order you tell the judge that she is around your daughter and take the tapes of what he admits to throwing the clothing away... ask for supervised visits... and if that all and all do not work take him to small claims court and sue him for damageing your daughters clothing... and you have prood by recording him.

Jenny - posted on 01/06/2013

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You could take pics of the outfits you send her in right before she leaves. When she gets back take a pic of the outfit she is in. Take copies of the pics to your lawyer for the judge to see.

Michelle - posted on 12/24/2012

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If they are breaching the court order by having the girlfriend around during the visits don't send her. As well tell daddy you will not be sending anything else with your daughter as nothing ever seems to come home. My son goes to his dads in one outfit and is required to come back in that outfit it has been this way for 11 years. You ask my son the stuff at dads house sucks but they don't like the clothes I buy either because they are expensive and suit my sons style which is not my ex husbands style. We have never sent objects with him to their house except a small teddy bear when he was really little. You should not be required to send stuff for her to play with or anything else at their house they should have a small amount of toys and clothes there for her. I know she is missing out but it will force dad to stop throwing out your stuff if she has to be returned in the clothes she was sent.

Julie - posted on 12/25/2012

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My ex does that, too. I stopped sending her in anything but what he sent her in. Also, my attorney said he was supposed to provide clothes and toys for while she was there anyway. So, my daughter leaves the house in whatever outfit he sends her home in everytime and nothing else leaves the house... unless it was brought from his house.

Rebekah - posted on 12/25/2012

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He is in contempt of court. That is grounds to file a request for modification. You need to file a child support case with dhs. It may take a few months, but it will eventually pay off.

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Janet - posted on 01/09/2013

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you need to take him back to court,explain whats happening with proof. receipts,for everything:)
take pictures of what you pack and again at pick up. ask the judge to set up supervised visits in which he supplies the needs of your child or take away his rights all together.
You can ask for full custody without payment if thats what is needed to keep her safe from his girl friend,Im sure he would sign all papers if he didnt have to pay. Go to your courthouse or online and see if they have a self help office,they will help you fill out and file all paperwork,all you pay is a filing charge.( under 20.00) Seek counsel through the government agencies to save money:)
Make this year yours!!!! bEST OF LUCK TO YOU AND YOUR BABY,SHES LUCKY TO HAVE YOU!!! Do whats in her best interest and you wont be wrong!!!!

Shawnn - posted on 01/08/2013

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First solution is to stop sending things that you have bought with her. I'm certain she'll understand if you say "mommy bought this, so it will stay at mommy's house", especially if she's old enough to express "daddy throws out stuff because you bought it".

Tell your ex that he is responsible for providing for her needs, physical and otherwise, while she's at his house. This means everything from toys to clothing. Keep the outfits that she comes home in, and send her back in the same outfits.

Document each time that you have proof that he's ignored a court mandate. If it's in the visitation paperwork that no gf be present at visitations, and he has his gf living with him (and she doesn't leave for the visitation period), document it, and anything like that. Do not attempt to submit hearsay from your child as documentation.

Each time you have a court date, present (logically and calmly) your arguments.

Do not withhold visitation. That will only get you in more trouble than he is. Just be calm, make sure your daughter understands that it's not her fault, and that you are trying to make things better.

Jodi - posted on 01/08/2013

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Oh, by all means ask for supervised visitation, but my point was just never to link it to the child support.

Dawn - posted on 01/07/2013

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You are right, Jodi. I miss-stated that. He is not supposed to allow his girl-friend over when he has his daughter, but he keeps breaking the court order. In some states, lack of payment can cause the court to deny visitation. My intention never was to use her as a commodity, but to use the court's power to protect her from a person who is clearly causing distress for the child. I should have been more clear. Thanks for pointing that out!

I KNOW that the best for every child with divorced parents is to have a good relationship with both Mom and Dad -with the parents behaving as adults. But in a situation where her dad is mistreating her (Really? Throwing away her birthday present? No DECENT parent ALIVE would consider than anything less than abuse!), I would support a mother's right to use every tool in her arsenal to protect her child.
There are things worse than having a toy taken away, but it displays calloused and unloving behavior. What else is going on there that no one is aware of?

Jodi - posted on 01/07/2013

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"Also, if he has been ordered by the court to pay child support and isn't, go back and ask the court to ammend it so that if he doesn't pay, he doesn't get visitation. "

I agree with everything Dawn said, except this. Don't EVER treat your child as a commodity, and that is exactly what you are doing if this is what you do. Your child shouldn't be available for rent. Ever.

Dawn - posted on 01/07/2013

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Send her back in the items they sent her home in. Pack her toothbrush and other items and second-hand clothing you didn't pay much for and don't care about. Then tell him that this is the LAST time you will be packing clothes for her. If he doesn't like your choices, then HE can provide the clothing she wears it his home. Go back to court, insist on being re-embursed for the thrown away items, and get the arrangement in writing (of him having clothes at HIS for her that you don't purchase or pick out.
Unfortunately she will have to leave her favorite toys at home.
Also, if he has been ordered by the court to pay child support and isn't, go back and ask the court to ammend it so that if he doesn't pay, he doesn't get visitation.
What is MORE like is that they are taking her nice items and selling them at a consignment shop or on the internet. The "throwing out" might be a cover for trying to milk every penny out of you he can.
Also, if the court ordered him to keep the GF away, you can insist on supervised visitation. As much as you dislike it. Time to haul him back in and get some resolution! Good luck!

Mommy - posted on 01/07/2013

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Well, you could start sending her to him in the last outfit he sent her to you in. And tell him you aren't packing a bag for her, that he will need to supply his own clothes for her. And don't send toys. I know it's going to be terrible for her to have to deal with this pettiness.And the courts don't care about this stuff, so don't bother going back to them for help.

Penelope (Penny) - posted on 01/07/2013

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When my ex and me got divorced no problems at 1st then he started dating someone and they got married,next thing I know they wanted to try to fight me for custody of my children.I'd took care of the children on my own raising and teaching them while w/ my ex and went through cancer had hystero. my our children are 16 months apart,separated when kids were 3 1/2 yrs.,and 26 months it took him forever to get his part to pay for divorce but finally and after I'd been during all the work he thought that him and his new wife were going to take my kids from me cause I'd been out of work due to cancer again,osteroposis,severe migraines,arthritis in back,I wasn't able to work but I was with my wonderful fiance Jon and he came into our lives and is our HERO plus hasn't even giving up on my kids or me but when we went through medation it's he's to have clothes in the closet for the children.I make them change into clothes that if he doesn't send back it's ok ! Plus his now ex wife had a daughter but didn't have custody and my daughter was into the BRATZ dolls and she throw them away when my baby girl came home all upset ! I got on the phone had something to say and after that she didn't take good toys nor did my son.It's been 5 yrs since all that he acted like he wanted to have them take them from me but he was leaving 2 houses down from his parents he moved 6 countries over and maybe/maybe not sees the kids on his weekends if he does he goes over to his parents were the kids are 15 min. unless he eats dinner.You need to get the orders to be followed I know this is going to sound bad but he doesn't support her so you can say she's not coming cause what him n his gf are doing will in the long run cause her to have issues and anxiety.He needs to be a parent cause he's acting like the child and your daughter sounds like she knows that her daddy and gf r doing it to piss you off ! Don't let them get to you be the BIGGER BETTER YOU for your daughter to learn from cause it will make all the differnce in yrs to come I promise!! My son 15yrs,daughter 13 yr fixing to be 14 yr in Feb.

Melissa - posted on 01/06/2013

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Take them back 2 court explain everything until then don't send her over there that's crazy he & his gf need 2 get a life it seems like they want u 2 be miserable

Lucia - posted on 01/06/2013

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I was in the same situation. Except he just kept the clothes and sent old clothes that were too small for my son back. To somewhat solve the problem I sent him (my son) back in the clothes he came with when it was his dads turn to have him. It eventually eased up. Good luck.

Jeannine - posted on 01/06/2013

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If he is breaking a court order as you say, then following up with the courts is the best thing to do. This is mental abuse to your child and immature and uncaring of him.

Rachel - posted on 01/01/2013

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Send her in what ever she came home in even if it is too small. If the court order is breached, end the visit. That is what court orders are for...but you have to enforce them.

Julie - posted on 12/31/2012

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I agree that sending her in one appropriate outfit may work. Also record every item that she takes, what it costs and whether or not it was returned. Have this info ready for when you get back into court.

Jodi - posted on 12/30/2012

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Tina, that's actually not true. In most place, child support and visitation are two separate things, and if the OP does that, she could face contempt charges AND lose custody of her daughter (because withholding visitation is VERY strongly frowned upon). So please don't give advice like that.

Nekole - posted on 12/30/2012

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I agree with the other moms in this situation. Stop sending her nice clothes. The clothes on her back will be fine. If she gets those dirty, he can wash them or go buy new ones.

Jodi - posted on 12/25/2012

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"Don't let them see her. He is obligated to pay, but you don't have to let her visit if she refuses. "

Um, you may be a paralegal, but I suggest you study up a bit harder, because your knowledge of the law may be sketchy at best. In many places (including many states in the US), if you do this, you will be in contempt of court. Child support and visitation are generally treated as separate issues. After all. children are not a commodity and should not be available for rent.

In answer to the OP, I can only suggest that you purchase clothes from thrift stores/op shops, and send your daughter in those. At least then the cost is minimal. I would also refuse to send any other clothes, he needs to start supplying clothes for her at his house.

Is it actually written into the orders between you and he that the girlfriend is not allowed around?

Rose - posted on 12/25/2012

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And technically, if you have to buy anything just for visitation (food, clothes, shelter, water) for their visits, you can add it to his bill if child support .

Rose - posted on 12/25/2012

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Don't let them see her. He is obligated to pay, but you don't have to let her visit if she refuses. However, you do HAVE to urge her to visit anyways for legal sake. Also depends on your states laws.

(1st year paralegal undergraduate)

Claire - posted on 12/25/2012

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Op- Shops! I pick up great stuff for our children there.

I can imagine how frustrating it is when he does petty things like this, but like everyone else says- keep her good things for your house. Really hate hearing how he's using her to get back at you. It's not fair your daughter is upset by his horrible behaviour.
The silver lining here is that YOU are the enlightened one! Just as well you split up with such a 'man'.. As for the gf... Karma. She'll get hers, somehow, some way.

Best of Luck. Hang in there!

Connie - posted on 12/25/2012

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My son's ex did the same thing. Wrong sizes, dirty, and keeping the nice things that my son and his new wife had bought for them. (BTW, my new d-i-l is a wonderful stepmom.) They started sending the kids back to her in the same outfits that she dressed them in. They thought about resorting to sending the kids each with their own little suitcase, letting their mom know that they expected everything to be returned. The judge ordered that she do so, and I believe that she has been compliant so far.

Jennifer - posted on 12/25/2012

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With my step daughters the first time their mother sent clothes with them none of them fit. The oldest fits 4 T and she was sending her in 2 T so I'm in the position of sending her home in clothes that fit and they always come back stained or torn or not washed. Like its gross. We already planned for them and bought clothes and everything they could possiblely need. I hate the fact that she refuses to buy her clothes that fit!! I'm on the same boat as you

Connie - posted on 12/25/2012

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First of all, child support should be garnished out of his wages. It is taken right out of his check before he gets it. That way it will go straight to you and he won't have a choice. That is a law, and it should have been done in the first place. Ask your lawyer why it wasn't done and how to proceed. Obviously, he is being vindictive, and who knows what he is saying about you to your daughter.

As far as the clothes and toys, my son went through the same thing with his ex-wife. My son has residential custody of their 3 kids. Their son has Autism and gets superb support at school for his needs. The kids have all been in the same school (which is a better district), all their friends and extra-curricular activites are near my son's home.

Your daughter is upset by her dad's and gf's behavior. She should certainly be allowed to keep all of her clothing and belongings. These things mean a lot to her and is causing her duress when she sees that they are discarded. This may give her the idea that dad doesn't care about her feelings regarding her possessions. She may end up needing counseling because of this destructive behavior by them. The lawyer should be made aware of this, too. Continue to keep your receipts AND a record of what was thrown out when. My son does ALL communications with his ex by text or email so that he has a record of what was said. Then there is no arguement about "he said, she said."

I really feel bad about your situation. After seeing what my son has been through, it was a long hard road to get all the legal things settled. Other arguements continue...

Do the best that you can. Good luck and God bless you

Dove - posted on 12/24/2012

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Send her over in the outfit she is wearing (something cheap from the thrift store)... and nothing else. If he is violating a court order.... drag him back to court.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/24/2012

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You can't send her naked, so you will have to send her in at least 1 outfit. Don't send anything extra. Just the cloths on her back.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/24/2012

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Yeah I read that. But you have sent her with toys and other cloths that have been tossed. There is no magic wand any of us can wave to make him stop. The advice that has been given is the best anyone can do. YOU have to take action with a lawyer.

Chelsea - posted on 12/24/2012

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I haven't been sending her in nice clothes as of recent I stated this in my post but regardless of them being nice clothes or not, I am loosing money that I work hard for and provide her with.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/24/2012

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Well, she does not need toys and nice cloths going over his house. Since you have him recorded, tell you lawyer about it and get another court date. Maybe start having supervised visits? Court ordered of course. Sto sending her with anything that is important.

Chelsea - posted on 12/24/2012

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I have tried that but he lies to the judge and says I am not providing things for her during visitation which I am ordered to do.

Lacye - posted on 12/24/2012

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Stop sending things over. Make them go out and have to buy outfits for her. If you don't want it thrown away, just don't send anything with her. If he thinks he can do a better job at dressing her, make him start buying clothes for the child.

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