father putting kids in the middle what can i do?

Angieisin - posted on 04/29/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )

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The father of my kids is possibly due to get out of jail soon for breaking the protection order i have agianst him a number of times with calls to my cell phone calling me a prostitute crack whore showing up at her school etc etc. He has been in there for over a month now when the warrents for the breaks finally caught up with him and he was denied bail. he fired his father as third party cause he didnt like his dad telling him he had to stop calling and leaving msgs on the machine saying nasty things ( like the time he called and sang a song on the machine about the bi*%h and c**t he fell for) i could go on and on and all of it has big huge long stories that lead to it but all in all i dont know what to do anymore he hasnt seen the kids since christmas cause he never replaced his dad as third party and its not my job to get a third party not that anyone i know would even deal with him he has alienated everyone i know with constant txt msgs or calls name calling etc . the kids (at least my 5 yr old has gotten so much better emotional wise and behavior wise since she stopped going there she never asks for him and before he went into jail she never even bothered to try to even answer the phone when it rang. she seems to have no interest in even talking to him... i dont know if hes going to try to get a third party but honestly i dont even want them going there i know that sounds horrible but i just know that hes prob putting all this horrible stuff into thier heads and putting them right into the middle of stuff they dont need to be in. Ive heard him ( it couldnt have been by accident no one is that stupid) on the phone with my daughter purposly upsetting her talking abou ther friend that moved away telling her that its horrible that she never got to say goodbye but that mom was being mean and wouldnt let him take her to say goodbye that that was idiotic and she should feel sad about not saying goodbye cause it was such a terrible thing. i had a big talk with her about her friend moving away and she was fine with it we even got her address so she could write to her he pulled that and it took me an hour to calm her down ( i know all this because she puts him on speaker phone well he talks and i heard it all before she started crying and i took the phone and hung up on him :@. we have a court order for custody he never showed up to court said he didnt know about it... even thou they served him. Its joint custody i have primary care and control all final decision making he has " reasonable periods of care and control with advance agreed upon notice with set times of start and finish" ( he next to never follows times or gives them ,his advance notice is horrible which when he trys to pull that he doesnt get the kids then flips out about it,)
people tell me i should go back to court and get sole custody that with the jail time and the breaching i could get it easy but my worry is that if i go back then the judge will put in set visiting times and im scared of what hes going to put my kids throu what hes going to put into thier heads or if he will even bring them back. Its never about the kids he says i am using the kids to get back at him for all the wrongs hes done but im not i just want to be allowed to move on with my life i have moved on but his crazy behavior is making it difficult to do anything! hes making it about me not the kids if i wanted to repeat many more long stories and examples it would be proof enough why cant he see that thou? i dont know what to do anymore? should i go back to court? should i wait to see if he even tries to get a third party? Im really wishing i personally knew a lawyer right now :(

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4 Comments

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Melanie - posted on 04/30/2011

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If you chose to go back to court I suggest you go w/ a plan of giving the judge ideas about how to make it work. Suggest you have sole custody but are willing to start something like having a court appointed 3rd party and a set schedule of visitations (sorta like CPS parent visitations). Show the records and witness statements to back yourself up. This would show the judge that you want to find a way to make it work for him and his children. Request counseling be required for ALL of y'all and he pays half. When this shows progress (he shows up and pays the bills) then have a suggestion for further freedom in visitations (different 3rd party, etc). But this sounds like if you take the court approach then baby steps need to be started.

Tara - posted on 04/30/2011

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Honestly I would suggest keeping records of everything and seeing if you can get a child advocate or child psychologist to back you up. That way, you can go back to court and ask for full custody, and, if you choose, NO visitation at all because of the damage he can potentially cause your children emotionally.
I understand wanting to keep a parent involved in their child's life, but with someone that obviously toxic, who obviously doesn't care how much they hurt your children -- if it were me in your situation I would try to legally prevent him from contacting either you or your children -- it's one thing for an older child who understands what is going on to want to have some contact with a toxic parent - it's another entirely for a small child who may think that it's somehow their fault that this person acts like that.
Check into your options for legal aid, etc because your kids don't deserve to be treated like that and neither do you.

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Document everything and go back to court. Getting full custody and having specific visitation days/times is actually your best defense against him just taking off w/ them. He could do that NOW if he has any visitation, but if it's spelled out when he can and can't have them and he violates that.... you have even more ammunition to use to protect your kids.

Schyla - posted on 04/29/2011

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you need to keep records of everything this will help you prove him unfit you need to talk to a caseworker or child advocate and YOU need to be the one to act call you leagal aid office as well best of luck!

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