father wants to take my 5 month old daughter away for fullday visits. born out of wedlock

TAMARYN - posted on 01/17/2013 ( 33 moms have responded )

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the court ruled aswell as the social worker without evidance that i am a bad mother and they gave her to him every second weekend fullday to take away. she does not know her father nor his family. i am scared of my daughters well being. i am scared he does not bring her back. and scared she developes seperation anxiety. we do not have a parenting plan in place and nor did the court give us a subpoena or any documents saying how it works it was done verbally. i don't say he can not see her but under supervision at my house. an enviroment that she feels safe in. he was not part of the pregnancy he ran away when he found out i was 6weeks pregnant upto she was 3months i took care of her myself. my attorney did not even defend my child he just sat there with no words. i swear the judge and social worker is a bookclub with her fathers mother. i need advice ASAP he collects her tomorrow. i am from pretoria.

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Cecilia - posted on 01/17/2013

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jodi, stop thinking like me and typing faster.. it makes me look like i copied you lol

Jodi - posted on 01/17/2013

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What do you mean, you were defending your daughter and protecting her? Did something happen that started all this? Was there some incident that happened? Sorry if I am not understanding, but it makes no sense that they would consider removing a child from you based on no evidence of anything at all.

Jodi - posted on 01/17/2013

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Okay, so now we have even MORE information. WHY are they considering taking her away in April? There must be a reason. Why is there a social worker involved?

Jodi - posted on 01/17/2013

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Well, it's also utterly rude, when someone gives you friendly advice, BASED on the information you have given, to tell that person they don't know the whole story and throwing that advice back in their face because you don't like the answer you get. I was giving you advice, and I was being honest. The court has ORDERED you to comply with this arrangement. I didn't tell you to hand your child over, I told you to comply with what the COURT told you to do. So if you don't want people to be rude to you, then don't be rude to them when they give you FRIENDLY advice.

Jodi - posted on 01/17/2013

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So why the fuck post on a board full of strangers if you don't want a stranger to tell you to leave your daughter with her father? You're right, I don't know the full story, but I do know enough to know that if you DON'T hand your daughter over, you will be in contempt of court and you may LOSE custody of your daughter altogether! Would that be a better option? So what if she is 5 months, she has TWO PARENTS. You are only one of them, and right now, you are being totally unreasonable.

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Jodi - posted on 01/17/2013

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Go to bed woman!!! It's only 6:15pm here, and despite the heat, I have all cylinders firing ;)

Cecilia - posted on 01/17/2013

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oh god thanks jodi it's 2 am and my brain did not piece that together at all. now that you said it i went oh... i think that makes sense.

yea i read that part about kindergarden after and figured that one out. she put it in while i was typing.

Jodi - posted on 01/17/2013

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OK, I am trying to piece this together. So basically, your ex filed for visitation rights 5 months ago, and you essentially denied him those rights (you wanted him to ONLY have visitation if it was with you, and he couldn't take the baby away with him or visit his parents, etc, so you HAVE essentially denied him the rights he asked for). So he has since filed for full custody.

Has the social worker been involved at all in interviewing you? There is the possibility that the social worker feels that you would interfere with the relationship between father and daughter because you won't allow him to develop a relationship with her without you being present, and this might be WHY the judge is considering your ex's petition. So the hearing you recently had was to give him SOME visitation to start with, until the full hearing of the case to be held in April (possibly, I am speculating here).

I don't think your lawyer has explained to you what has been happening, it IS your lawyer, right? Or was it a lawyer appointed for you? If so, you need a new lawyer.

Secondly, your conduct in this interim period will be ESSENTIAL to the outcome. You need to calm down and allow your daughter to go with her father. You need to comply with what the court has requested. And you need to do it with no fuss and with encouragement for your daughter. You need to be polite and do your best to be a good co-parent. You need to show the court that you can have a parenting relationship with your ex without creating problems, and that you will encourage a relationship with him.

Cecilia - posted on 01/17/2013

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So then what did they say in court that made you "less fit" than the father? They had to say something.

As far as him abusing you, no it won't have much to do with a custody hearing. If you don't have police documents to prove abuse there is little the court can do. sorry but that is just how it is.

So why are they waiting until April? Why wouldn't they just do it now? The story still isn't making much sense.

in your original statement you said he ran away when you were pregnant now you claim you left....

You still havn't explained if she is 5 months or 5 years.. i'm a bit baffled by that one.

TAMARYN - posted on 01/17/2013

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no one was at my place to come and check how it looks like.

her father is a drunk, he hit me and i left. i almost had a miscarriage due to fights.

i am scared of him and him being alone with my daughter. and i promise you the judge ruled that without any evidence. just because she said i can't look at the man.

i told her exactly why and what he did. they over ruled that.

Cecilia - posted on 01/17/2013

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wait you said she was 5 months old, now shes in kindergarten?? God i'm so lost

TAMARYN - posted on 01/17/2013

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when she was 3 weeks he filled for visitation rights and the last court date was wednesday. he wants full custody.

i work. my kid is in kindergarden and she is developing good.
he just said the way we where as a couple before hand he used that as a rule to say i am a bad mother. he says my kid is in need. her pediatrician says that my kid is not in need.

i did not refuse him visitation, but i refused grand parent visitations so he took me to court for his parents visitations to

Cecilia - posted on 01/17/2013

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you were protecting your baby from who's mother? How were your protecting it? why did they say you were a bad influence? did you get into a fight? Really you're only throwing pieces of info out and it's not making sense.

Cecilia - posted on 01/17/2013

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Hon, if you want our help you're going to have to be honest here. There had to be something wrong when they came to check. Did you not have a crib or something like that? Was the baby low on milk in the fridge? they can't just go check on your house and go well everything looks good but we're going to take your child...

TAMARYN - posted on 01/17/2013

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i swear on my own life, i was defending my daughter and protecting her especially from his mother. but they just said that i am bad influence. how i don't know.

TAMARYN - posted on 01/17/2013

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his family drinks until they are drunk he to drinks when the world gets to much for his shoulders and passes out.

he just said i am a bad mother. no evidance nothing just said he can take better care for her then me. and the social worker agree to him without come to see my setup at home and the babies room ect ect..

he said she doesn't belong in my house nor with me.

Jodi - posted on 01/17/2013

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They don't just remove babies from their mothers without good reason. I am not saying you are a bad mother, but there has to be more to this. This does not sound like a standard custody hearing.

Cecilia - posted on 01/17/2013

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how long ago was court? They have to type it up and either give it to your lawyer or mail it to you. it might take a little bit for you to get it.

Okay so i have to ask, why did they say you were a bad parent? The police don't just randomly knock on doors and ask to see kids for no reason. Did the father file for custody and took you to court? You're going to have to give us more info if you really want our help.

TAMARYN - posted on 01/17/2013

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he refused a parenting plan last saterday at the social worker. for he wants full custody

Cecilia - posted on 01/17/2013

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yea i'm not sure of that either. Thats why i thought maybe they removed her child and there is no ruling yet until she gets herself together, and they are giving her time to do so... i'm a little confused here.

TAMARYN - posted on 01/17/2013

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My daughter has been given to him for every 2nd weekend and if she fits beter there they take her away in April.

Jodi - posted on 01/17/2013

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Cecilia, I know there is a difference between a parenting plan and a court order, but given the court has ordered in this case, I was wondering why she needed a parenting plan, and basically, a parenting plan is not going to make a difference at this point.

Cecilia - posted on 01/17/2013

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Jodi, a parenting plan is something each parent must work on and say how they plan on taking care of the child including financial aspects. It is turned into the court before final orders are put into place. It is something her lawyer needs to do with her.(at least here in the US)

Did they take the child from you but allow the father the time? I'm not fully sure where you're saying they are calling you a bad mother unless that is the case. I would know nothing about the laws in Pretoria. So in that aspect i can't help you too much.

It seems you feel by allowing others time with her that your bond with her will be broken. that is not true. No we do not know the full story you did not tell us it. how would we know. As far as him being a stranger and you not trusting him.. not much that can be done about it on our ends. That is up to the courts to decide. I assume the father asked for time and got it. I personally, would be happy. He wants to know his child and it might be a good thing. If you feel something is going on and she is being harmed go back to court and tell them.

TAMARYN - posted on 01/17/2013

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i don't want to brake the bond but the moral point is she is 5months old. and to be frank my attorney nor the social worker has a copy of the declared so called verdict.

point being is i don't trust him, and the moral of the story is you do not know the whole situation. so don't tell me to leave my daughter with a stranger that is called a father.

Jodi - posted on 01/17/2013

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If you were ruled as a bad mother, believe me, they would have given the father a LOT more than a full day every second weekend. This is not about you being a good or bad mother, but rather, a matter of your daughter having a right to a relationship with both of her biological parents. She does not "belong" to you in the same way as a possession. I see this as a good start for father and daughter to develop a bond and begin a relationship together without you there all the time.

I must admit, however, I am a little confused as to how a court ruled that her father could see her, and yet you are saying there is no parenting plan in place. Isn't this a visitation order? You should have a copy of it - if you don't have your lawyer provide you with a copy.

And the reason your attorney did not defend it is because courts recognise the rights of both parents, AND the right of your daughter to have that relationship with her dad too.

I can understand you are anxious, because this is a new thing for you, but you are obligated to allow her to go with her father, and he is obligated to return her as specified by the court.

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