Feel like I'm going to lose my husband...

Tania - posted on 11/19/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I don't know when it began, but I can tell you it's about to end. My husband is a great man who somehow got lost along the way. He's a wonderful father to our two year old - and he is pretty good at his job, but he's no longer the person I fell in love with - he's not the husband that he started out being and I'm sad to say, he's no longer my best friend. I feel closer to some of my girlfriends right now - which is pathetic...He has no interest in me - probably because I've gained so much weight. He doesn' t even want to talk - about ANYTHING anymore. He's insensitive to my feelings and he's only intimate with me when it's suitable for him. It breaks my heart that our marriage is in shambles right now - and I seem to be the only one willing to fight for it! Any thoughts on how to pull myself out of this hole I'm in right now?

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Tonya - posted on 11/23/2009

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Hello, I do not know all of your current situation but let me assure you I know how to pray. First of all, God loves marriage and the devil hates them because of the union they bring in being one. Sometimes when we get married, we have an idea of who our spouses should be or could be, but really we should be praying that our husbands be all that God wants them to be. We cannot chage nor make anyone change, but God can change the both of you. God made each of us in His image, and He doesn't want us to try and make our spouse over into our own image. Our job is to accept our spouse as he is and pray for the Lord to make the necessary changes in him. Meanwhile as he is working on your spouse's heart, God will also be working on your heart. You will be amazed how prayer works when it comes for our husbands. Too many times we as women do not pray when the devil wants our marriage. Marriage is not easy, it along with raising kids is something that you will continually have to fight for. Our kids at one point will not be the people that we raise, yet we still love them, we still cry for them, we still want them to succeed. We do not throw them away, why would we not fight for what God has put together. Marriage is a covenant that you made not to your spouse, you made a promise to God that you would love him, honor him, for richer or poorer, for better or worse. My husband is not perfect and he does not do everything I like, and yes sometimes he is not my best friend, but...he is my husband and I made a promise to God.
You are a woman, and we were made to handle all kids of diversities. Your husband is not where your joy is, God is where your joy is. Take your eyes off your husband for a second, and focus on what God has blessed you with. Let's praise God for the things that you have mentioned, 1) you are in your right mind, 2) you have a beautiful child, 3) your husband is a provider for his family, 4) your husband is a great man, 5) your husband is a wonderful father (that deserves an extra praise), there are so many things you can praise God for.
One last thing and I will leave this post. I love the movie "Fireproof" because it made me realize many things. One of them is that instead of follwoing your heart, you are choosing to lead it. The Bible says that "the heart is more deceitful than all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9 NIV.
The truth is, love is a decision and not just a feeling. So don't fall anything in your marriage, decide you will in your marriage. It is your choice.

Ryen - posted on 08/10/2011

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If you wanna lose weight, d it for YOU not him. You have the hardest job in the world! And sometimes, men wont talk, no if's, an's or but's about it. You need to give him an ultimatum. IF he wants to work on your marriage, he needs to talk and communicate w you if he DOESN'T want to work on it, continue not talking and being rude, you will get your answer. Yes marriage is hard, God knows! And yes i am a praying woman, but my husband is NOT a praying man. I had to figure out that I am IMPORTANT with or without him. Get The Belly Fat book by Jorge Cruise, simple, I have lost 19lbs in two months! Try it and see, but even if you lose weight, you still need to address your problems, they will still be there! Good luck!

Lynda - posted on 11/24/2009

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I think every marriage faces "slumps" and challenging times. And at one point or another everyone feels this way.
All I can offer is try to try to talk and work it out. A marriage is work,COMMUNICATION, and compromise.

Sharon - posted on 11/24/2009

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The only way to save the marriage is to force him to talk.

I don't know what delusional world some of these women are living in, but if your husband won't talk to you, its highly doubtful he's going to care enough to go with you to talk to a stranger. It used to be that my husband wouldn't/couldn't communicate with me. I used to corner him and badger him until he spit some things out in anger. Its taken YEARS of getting this caveman to learn how to articulate FEELINGS and not just react with them.

It is entirely possible this is about your weight, a shame and shallow as hell, but yeah its possible. You're motivated to save your marriage? use the motivation to lose the weight.

But I'm more inclined to think that such a wonderful man has other issues. Not your weight. without know what they are - its hard to advise. Just get him to talk.

Good luck!

Yahreevah - posted on 11/19/2009

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Im gonna tell you like my Mother told me. Stand in front of the biggest mirror you have & tell yourself that you Love Yourself. Say it untill you smile. As a married woman I can tell you that marriage is work and will sometimes physically and emotinally drain you. But you have to remember your a Mother 1st. I hope you're a praying woman,because this is what you will need for the battle. Men are very self absorbed beings @ times, and are not capable to express there true feelings. They exspect us to know how to fix them & us (without help from them). Be aware of your girlfriends. Every smile isn't a friendly one. Try not to let them knw all that is going on untill u address it with Hubby. Make him aware of ur feelings, if you havent. He may think u dont love him anymore. Sometimes whn we feel sad & angry it bounces off of our mate. Hope this helps. Speaking frm experience.

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[deleted account]

I'll say it one more time, though you're sick of hearing it - make him talk. You can't solve a problem when you don't know what it is yet. Keep it simple.

[deleted account]

It's not your weight. Tell him exactly how you feel, and remember the phrasing of the counsellor - 'This is how I feel when you do this...". If he won't open up, marriage counselling is a great option - that third person in the room can help you both clarify the situations and explain your feelings to one another.
No, he's not the man you married - he's now a father married to one very tired and stressed mother of his kids. He may even think he's doing you a favour by not having sex! He needs to talk. Make him.

[deleted account]

I don't know if it's obvious, but have you tried asking him about it? Whether things have changed. Tell him what you're feeling when he does that stuff, tell him that you feel he is only intimate with you when he feels like it. I think that not much is obvious to men, they don't think the same way we do and it might not have occurred to him that he has gotten into bad habits and bad ways of doing things. I have a 6 month old and my husband was spending 5-8 hours on the internet after work each day (he doesn't sleep much). I basically said that I feel like you spend more time talking on the internet than talking to me. He was a bit shattered, but has tried to change his ways and be more considerate.
Having said that I want to encourage you to persist and try different things. Talk to people who have good marriages, get couselling, try different things such as date nights and talk to your husband about his interests and hobbies. I don't know what will work, but I have found that it you try a variety of things, you'll find that something will work!

Jennifer - posted on 11/20/2009

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I agree with Sharon, about everything. Last year my husband and I hit the 7 year itch and we went to a counselor. It was a Christian Counselor our minister set us up with. She didn't help us much because we got along too well! Everything she said to do, we were already doing ourselves. But she did help us realize that we weren't giving each other the attention that we deserved. Since both of us were willing to go through with it, things got easier. We have three children and are best friends, we always have been that, but friends is what we felt like was our connection. The love definatley wasn't the same, but because we tried (and that's all anyone can do) things came together. They will for you to. It may not be how you planned, but if you have faith, the LORD will help you through it. Just pray!! Good luck and God Bless!!

If he doesn't want to or isn't willing to go to counseling, at least go by yourself. It will give you a better understanding of what you need and want for your own peace of mind.

Sharon - posted on 11/20/2009

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Hi Tania, thank-you for being so brave an honest in sharing your story. I think both Yahreevah and Alicia have said some wonderful things that will help you out and have also enlightened me while reading their advice. One thing I must say from one of my best friends experience is there are all different kind of marriage counsellors who come from all different angles. The idea of a counsellor often freaks out hubbies but once they are with you at the right one, I'm sure he'll thank you. Yes you need to put in the hard yards in going to a counsellor but there's always the chance that the first one you go to may not suit the both of you. Don't be afraid to try a different one! Or better off when you're booking your appt try and get them on the phone and 'interview' them to find out if it's the type of counselling you're after.
Also as far your husband goes, I have a 2.5 & 1.5 year old and I know my husband is definately not the man I married. For one thing he is a father now and that is a huge adjustment for him. Sure I see glimpses of him now and then and am reminded of a time when I was a different person too. BUT KIDS CHANGE EVERYTHING! If he's a great father, you're a very lucky woman but I think while you have both been learning to cope with being parents maybe you have to give some time back to each other WHEN THERE ARE NO KIDS AROUND. P.S. We all gain weight with kids. (Even Hubbies). Forget about it! Get this out of your mind as this not an issue. It is only an issue as far as it stops you from dealing with all the others. Sorry all of this was meant to be said in love I hope you don't missinterrpret. Love Sharon

Anu - posted on 11/20/2009

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Taking care of young kids is really tough on a marriage. Counseling is a great idea and as much as you might think date nights are expensive they really help. Give yourself a break. You may feel better about everything if you can do something for yourself, go to the gym...go for a walk without the baby...goodluck.

Alicia - posted on 11/19/2009

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I agree with Yahreevah. Have you considered marriage counseling?? I've at many times felt the way that you have.. and my husband and I did marriage counseling and it really brought light to the problems we were facing and we were able to overcome things.. please dont be offended by this recommendation, just from experience I know how helpful and healing it can be... having someone there to help interpret your feelings and be a mediator can be so helpful and stop a lot of unneeded arguements since feelings are so hard to express without some how offending the other person (at least in my case)

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