Ferber : Heart-wrenching

Betty - posted on 12/12/2008

Before I say anything, let me say this, all children and parents are different. You truly have to follow your own heart and gut. Be informed, read, talk to other moms, but always go with your own intuition. Personally I am all for the Ferber method as you customize it for your own comfort and needs.

I am a mom of 3 who are currently 9.5, 8, 6.5. We used the Ferber method for all three but I only stuck to it for the last two. It was really, really hard at first which is why I wasn't able to stick to it for our eldest. I truly wish I had because they are reaping the rewards now. Our eldest is our night owl. She CANNOT go to sleep now unless she has read for a while and then she is dog-tired in the morning. Our other two fall alseep on their own immediately after going to bed and are well rested when I wake them for school. The same can be said for their naps when they were taking them. Our eldest could not sleep more than 40 minutes at a time where our other 2 would take 2 hour naps. I definitely see a difference. "Ferberizing" is heart wrenching but there are a lot of things you're going to do as a parent that are heart wrenching. I remember sitting outside my daughter's room on the stairs crying as I listened to her cry. I kept a stopwatch too and jumped in there as soon as the appropriate time was up. As long as you are comforting your child, and not leaving to go watch tv while they scream, you are not abandoning them. Go in at intervals, comfort, and let your child learn how to sleep on her own. Of course she is dependant, but just as nursing helps your child with her future health, letting your daughter fall alseep on her own will help her with her sleep habits later in life. All in all, do what is best for all of you and you'll all be fine. Good luck!

Trina - posted on 12/12/2008

Andie Congrats! I used the ferber method for my twin girls at 10 weeks old and after one week, they were sleeping through the night. You aren't cruel or doing anything to cause your baby harm!! Good Lord. I wonder if we could alternatively find studies completed showing what negative impacts sleep deprivation has on babies' health? Just keep it up and as long as you have your baby's best interest at the core of everything you do, you'll do just fine. Don't let anyone tell you what you "should" or "shouldn't" be doing. Only YOU know what is best for you and your baby.

Jolie - posted on 12/12/2008

Another really good book to try is "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer" by Tracey Hogg. She has a lot to say about helping babies learn to sleep on their own and also how to read their body language and different cries (and what they mean). It really helped to take a lot of the guess work out of parenting an infant...worth checking out.

Andie - posted on 12/12/2008

ps - she has a bedtime routine so I'm sure that helps and also before she was getting up at least every hour until finally I would bring her to bed with me. She would usually sleep fine in our arms in the recliner but that doesn't make for much rest for me or her dad and we both commute so not sleeping much was starting to become dangerous. And she was getting to the point where she was squirming around half the time she was in bed with me too so she just plain wasn't sleeping well. Just to give a lil more background for those who thought I was crazy, haha.

Andie - posted on 12/12/2008

Just wanted to give an update on how it went last night! It took just over a half hour total for her to fall soundly asleep (much less time than I was expecting) and she only woke up twice: once at 2:30 and I only had to go in twice - I went in once, then waited one minute and went in again, I think this actually took her more out of her sleep but I didn't want to wait too long, anyway I came back out and set the timer for 2 minutes but didn't have to go back in again, she was out like a light! and then she started whimpering at 5am, I changed her diaper, nursed her and put her back down and she slept til 9am! My ped said sleeping better at night would also help with naps (the max she'll take is 40 min and we're lucky if she takes more than one!) and already today she took a 2 hour nap! I am so proud of her and so thrilled that the little baggies under her eyes are going away bc she is finally getting some sleep! and so am I! haha. We'll see how it goes tonight :)

User - posted on 12/11/2008

i know i keep posting but i am very proud of you.i know how hard it was to attempt.while it may not be the choice for me,what you have shown is a charecteristic that will keep your child under control no matter how bad it hurts you to not give in.wich is a very good thing to have.something im working on is how to not give in in public at home its easy but trying to keep tham quite at church or something its hard to stay strong.......your going to do great!

Andie - posted on 12/11/2008

Jess - it is kind of a "let them cry" method but a lot of people don't look into the actual method and just let the baby cry til they fall asleep. This isn't prolonged periods of time, the max we're waiting is 10 minutes and we didn't even get to that point tonight. And she does know I'm there which is why I'm okay with it now. It's just hard to hear her cry. I actually sat outside of her room with a stopwatch and as soon as the minute was up I went right in, haha. And I had the video monitor right next to me so I could see her anyway. It's been almost an hour and I've been in to check on her, she's sleeping soundly :)

Jess - posted on 12/11/2008

apologies, i didnt quite read everything carefully, so seeing that youre going in and comforting sounds great.

Julie - posted on 12/11/2008

Glad to hear it sounds like it might be working for you tonight. I read Babywise...not a bad book. Same as with everything else though...some things you'll like and other ideas you'll want to tweek a bit. Def worth a read though!

Jess - posted on 12/11/2008

is this a let them cry technique? i could never let my baby cry unless she knows im right there. there have been studies done about the link between the stress they feel when they cry for prolonged time and mental illness later in life. in my heart i feel for me its just not the right thing to do. babies ARE dependent. its selfish to try and 'train' that out of them to make it more convenient for us. no offence.

User - posted on 12/11/2008

she will not remeber when she wakes up:)-no worries....

they are usualy mad at things like that untill they go to sleep and then they are fine when they wake up.....



although learning how to deal with them being mad at you now is good practice....

i think that you very much have it under control and i think that you will do extremly well.

just in the future try not to over think it,if you know what i mean.....

User - posted on 12/11/2008

i think that the hardest part is over.and if you are still doing things like patting her back and making sure she is fed changed and not sick then your definatly doing it right.the first night will be the hardest.and you may still have a battle through the night.but it will be easier then what you just went through....copngrats on staying strong!

User - posted on 12/11/2008

sorry to post again...

but if this is your choice you do need to know that you are not a bad mother for doing so...you are doing what you feel is best for your daughter...



so my advice is earplugs(but keep a check on her)and find something that passes time quickly to take your mind of it.she will not remeber this and she will quit crying soon hang in there...keep posting on here to other questions and trick yourself kinda by saying ok im almost done and then ill get her(like when you are just to tied up to automaticaly tend to her crying).im usualy hands on also but what do we do when we are stuck in the bathroom,we make sure they are safe and let them cry to we are finished and can get them....

Andie - posted on 12/11/2008

Well, right after I posted that she actually stayed down...at the 6 minute interval. I'm not abandoning her or not going to her, I went after 1 minute the first time, then 2 etc., and I was very comforting. I totally believe in customizing things for what feels right for you and your baby so even though I didn't pick her up I still leaned down in her crib and loved on her and then laid her down and snuggled with her (as much as you can bent over a crib, haha) for a few seconds til she was totally calm then told her I loved her and to have sweet dreams again before leaving. I'm wondering how long she will stay down but it's been almost 25 minutes...I did try no cry sleep solutions but they didn't solve anything. She's impossible to wake up if she falls asleep nursing (ironic that!) until she's in her crib but then she's fallen asleep with me and wakes up w/o me, it freaks her out. And since she's use to being with Mommy of course she's going to cry bc that typically means I'm going to pick her up. I feel like at 6 1/2 months old she's capable of self-soothing, they say it's totally safe to start at 5 months and at this point she knows object permanence so she knows I haven't just vanished and she knows cause-and-effect... and she's a thumb-sucker so she already has the tools she just has to learn to put them together...I hope she's not mad at me in the morning! Julie, I'll let you know how it ends up for us:) I was reading other conversations and saw a lot of advice for the book Baby Wise so I think we will make a trip to the bookstore tomorrow (sadly our local library is currently under construction) and check into that if this doesn't work or I just can't handle it... thanks for the support:)

User - posted on 12/11/2008

all in all you do what you feel is right within your heart.

we are not robots and cannot all be delt with the same.one way isnt always the right way when it comes to raising your kids

User - posted on 12/11/2008

the no cry sleep solution is a realy good book(like mentioned above.).

i never felt right letting them cry.there are alot of answers in this book like the question of security and if crying it out realy is good for them.



either way if you do continue to "ferberize" it will take about a wk at the longest(my sis in law has used thi method.)shortest was about three days.then they are good to go...as far as sleeping more.

you got to remeber though we still wake up as adults(wehter for a snack or the bathroom...),its just a matter of learning how to get yourself back to sleep



i do however let them whiper first to see if they go back to sleep,and if they began actual fit crying i soothe them.by 1 they both only wake up about twice then go right back to sleep.....

Elizabeth - posted on 12/11/2008

I do think it's cruel. Babies don't understand why you won't go to them.



Have you tried "The No Cry Sleep Solution"? They have it at the library.

Julie - posted on 12/11/2008

A friend of mine did this at 3 months. I haven't had the heart to try it yet...it just kills me. BUT...she said as heart wrenching as it was, after a couple days, it totally paid off. Her little guy self-soothes down and STTN most nights. I keep telling myself I'll try it next week...now were at 4.5 months. Good for you! Try to stick it out. I'm not far behind you :o)