Ferber Method

Shanda - posted on 02/27/2009

I didnt do the ferber method with my first, i co-slept, until she was 2 and with my baby now 8 months, I did the ferber, or maybe a more cruel version, I went in the first couple times and she would cry harder, so I just let her cry it out and now I enjoy perfect sleep every night and I also dont have to wean, like I did with my oldest.  Basically you are criticized either way, no matter what you do as a parent, so ignore people.

Barbara - posted on 02/27/2009

Quoting Amy:

Quoting Mary:

can anyone explain to me why an infant so young should learn to "self-soothe"? Isnt that what God gave them parents for and why they are so dependent on us? and how do you know they are "self-soothing" and not just "coping" with the fact that you're not giving them what they need? i am totally serious, im not trying to offend. i wonder how people who believe in CIO make sense of it.

And are you going to be there with a bottle when your child is 25 years old and can't fall asleep???  It's an essential thing to learn, is our point!  No one is telling you to do this, we are just saying quit knocking us for doing it!!!  If the baby is full, not sick, and has a clean diaper, then they are just crying to be rocked to sleep which is ok for like 6 or so months, but then they can figure it out or you nor he/she won't get any sleep.   Quit attacking people for offering advice of their own methods!!!  EVERY CHILD IS DIFFERENT, NO ONE IS SAYING "DO IT MY WAY"  we are just offerring advice when asked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoa, Amy.  I don't think she was trying to offend, she just wants to understand your point of view a bit better.  It's curiosity, not an attack.  Why is it so important to learn to "self soothe" at a young age?  It's important to learn to walk and talk and use the bathroom, but that sort of thing isn't expected of children right away,  those skills come with time.  Why is it different at bedtime? 

And by the way, I coslept with my parents and was never left to cry it out, and I can assure you that they never had to come in with a bottle when I was 25.  I didn't need to be taught a thing.  I moved into my own room as a toddler without a fuss and slept alone until I was married.  I am an excellent sleeper, and can sleep all by myself without anyone's help.  Somehow, I figured it out without having to learn how to do it as a tiny baby.

Allison - posted on 02/27/2009

Here Here!!

Dondra - posted on 02/27/2009

I agree. We had a terrible time with my now 5 year old daughter. My son was 19 mos. when she was born and I was tired all the time. After not sleeping through the night for almost three years including my son's first year and 1/2, I found the Ferber method and it was the only thing that gave me any hope. Needless to say, any time she was ill things went back to square one, however, if it weren't for the crying it out, I may not be the mom that I am today. I'd be frustrated and exhausted. We should be tolerant of other's opinions, but we shouldn't judge!

Kelly - posted on 02/27/2009

Quoting Angel:

I'm having similiar problems as Haley - though my son is not breastfed anymore. He is 5 months old and for the life of me I cannot get him to soothe himself at all. He falls asleep with a bottle at every feeding, and with the fact he is starting to teeth I am getting concerned about tooth decay. I used to be to able to soothe him by giving him his pacifier, but now he will not take it at all. I do not know what to do. He falls asleep in my bed, and then I can move him to his crib and he is fine until he wakes up hungry.

At this point my son fights sleeping to all ends. He will get so tired and I can tell, but he refuses to fall asleep, and I'm not sure why. Now even a lot of the time when he is tired he will push the bottle out of his mouth and just scream and even go as far as hitting himself to keep himself awake. I do not get why he is doing this now all of a sudden (it just started last week or so).

 

I would really appreciate some help on how I can transition him into falling asleep on his own.

I was totally neurotic about the tooth decay thing since I am a dental assistant and have seen too many 3 year olds with totally rotten teeth. I let my son fall asleep with his bottle of milk but as soon as he finished it I would give him a  bottle of water that was the same temperature as the milk had been, he didn't usually drink all of it but he got enough to clean his mouth. He's 3 he still gets a little milk at bedtime followed by his water and he has great teeth.   I can't help you, with the fighting sleep part,  as much as other moms,who dealt more with this, my son only comes in our bed when he's sick.

Hope you find something that works for you, but since he's still little for sure try the warm water after the milk, worst case scenario he won't drink it, no harm done :)

Jennifer - posted on 02/27/2009

Wow.  This is probably the most intense post I have come across in this community.  We all have to do what is right for us, as many have said.  And I have found some amazing info within this community, as well as a lot of support.  I personally chose to Ferberize my daughter at 6months and it worked like a charm... first night she kind of half cried on and off for 20 mins and fell back to sleep.  The next night it was 10 mins, and then never again.  Recently she started waking up again once a night... went in right away as now that she doesn't wake, something was obviously wrong... sure enough she had gotten herself stuck in the corner of her crib.  I moved her back, and she was right back to sleep.  But I chose to Ferberize for 3 reasons: 1) I'm pregnant again and need my sleep, 2) my sister is still dealing with her kids constantly waking through the night and coming in her room at the ages of 6 and 3 because she didn't stop that behaviour when they were younger (and might I add that they are always cranky and sick because they never get a full nights sleep), and 3) I remember my mom letting us crawl into bed with her and that went on for years and years... I remember being fine with sleeping on my own but when my older sister started going to my mom I followed suit - looking back she should have made us stay in our beds and made us realize that we were perfectly capable of putting ourselves to sleep, and therefore to trust ourselves and our independence.  It didn't do us any damage, but it would have alleviated a lot of crankiness on all our parts if we just stayed in our own beds and got a full nights sleep.  I just believe that a person that is well rested is more capable of dealing with daily life. 

Everyone has their own opinion, but I went with Ferber because it was what my family needed.  And if anyone has anything to say about that, well, just try.  I really couldn't care less.  You do what you need to do, and I'll do what I need to do.   So Sara, you have my full support - just tell them where they need to go!

Carolyn - posted on 02/27/2009

I agree we are here to supportive to our fellow mothers.

Tamara - posted on 02/27/2009

Quoting Hayley:

Also I find it extremely hard to listen to her cry, mostly I end up in tears too lol any advise on how to get over or ease this aswell?

As a mom, we're supposed to respond to the cries of our little ones.  There is no harm in taking her up and comforting her.  What I find works best for our little family is to get the bedroom nice and dark, play some quiet music and nurse my daughter down to sleep.  We have found that it makes the transition from sleeping to waking much easier.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/27/2009

Quoting Meghan:

When children cry when you put them down to sleep, they aren't crying because they need to be nurtured, they're are crying bc they either don't want to go to sleep or it was bc you walked out of the room, which every child goes through, it's called separation anxiety. Does that mean that every time you leave the room and your child cries, that you should go right back to them? no. Even stay-at-home moms, like myself, have way too much to do without having to make sure that they don't ever leave the room our child is in bc they might feel abandoned. The only people that I know personally, that say the Ferber method is abuse and neglectful are the same people that say it's okay to breastfeed your child until age 10. I'm not saying that the few people that have said it hear think that, I'm just saying the only people that I have known PERSONALLY, think that. I used the Ferber method bc my nieces and nephews didn't have it used on them and they go to their parents' bedrooms at night, my child doesn't even wake up in the middle of the night.

Totally agree with Meghan here....110%!!!!!!  What more needs to be said.

And just to add, I have used the Ferber method on my 2 yr old daughter & she is a very happy and loving child....she's certainly not a child who seems abandoned or unloved.

Lisa - posted on 02/27/2009

i personally dont use cio or ferber or anything that involves my kids crying but god i wish i was strong enough to do this i would love to now wait 10 straight hours of peace felt like.

(my daughter is 3 and still wakes and my son is 2 and wakes at least once although they r in there own rooms)

i think this method if done correctly is very good for a child to know that its ok for mummy and daddy to go they are still safe and in no harm.

Tiffany - posted on 02/27/2009

i think that it is fine to let your baby cry for a little bit. if nothing is wrong, babies can cry. my little mans dad gets mad when i let him cry. if i have fed him, burped him, and changed him. then rock him to sleep and put him down if he cries for 2 minutes i dont see a problem with this. he wants to get up and get him the second he starts crying if u lay him down. i dont see a problem with him crying for a few minutes.... it would be abuse and poor parenting i think if u left them cry for hours and didnt feed them or if they were crying b/c they need changed and you dont change them.

Tiffany - posted on 02/27/2009

i think that it is fine to let your baby cry for a little bit. if nothing is wrong, babies can cry. my little mans dad gets mad when i let him cry. if i have fed him, burped him, and changed him. then rock him to sleep and put him down if he cries for 2 minutes i dont see a problem with this. he wants to get up and get him the second he starts crying if u lay him down. i dont see a problem with him crying for a few minutes.... it would be abuse and poor parenting i think if u left them cry for hours and didnt feed them or if they were crying b/c they need changed and you dont change them.

Jennifer - posted on 02/27/2009

We all do what we think is best for our families and our children. Each child is different. I used CIO with my daughter, but have never needed it with my son. It all depends. In the end, all we are shooting for is to raise happy, healthy children to turn into self-sufficent adults. In all likelihood, whether you let your baby CIO or you co-sleep or whatever, you child will grow up just fine. So I say do what works for you and don't listen to anyone who says you are a bad parent because of the choices you make.

Sara - posted on 02/27/2009

Quoting Sarah:

Quoting Amy:

Quoting Mary:

can anyone explain to me why an infant so young should learn to "self-soothe"? Isnt that what God gave them parents for and why they are so dependent on us? and how do you know they are "self-soothing" and not just "coping" with the fact that you're not giving them what they need? i am totally serious, im not trying to offend. i wonder how people who believe in CIO make sense of it.

And are you going to be there with a bottle when your child is 25 years old and can't fall asleep???  It's an essential thing to learn, is our point!  No one is telling you to do this, we are just saying quit knocking us for doing it!!!  If the baby is full, not sick, and has a clean diaper, then they are just crying to be rocked to sleep which is ok for like 6 or so months, but then they can figure it out or you nor he/she won't get any sleep.   Quit attacking people for offering advice of their own methods!!!  EVERY CHILD IS DIFFERENT, NO ONE IS SAYING "DO IT MY WAY"  we are just offerring advice when asked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am confused as to what age its okay to let an infant "cry it out" I have seen some posts about 4 month olds being "taught" this. This post says 6 months, is that more accurate??

I don't believe Mary was attacking anyone with this post. She was stating her opinion and to me, not in a rude way at all. The following post I think is attacking parents who do not choose that method. Saying that you will have to comfort your 25 year old with a bottle if you don't follow it seems a little extreme to me.

It is nice to see how many positive posts have been made on here, even though there is a difference of opinion though :)

Thanks for your post. 

I think it's kind of up to you when you feel your child is ready to do Ferber, or something like it.  Certainly, it can work with a four month old, and it is recommended that you wait until 4 months.  However, my doctor told me that at 2 months my daughter was able to self-soothe.  it's really all about how you want to go about it.  We did it at about 3 months and it worked.  Some children are ready before that, some after.  I did start a routine as soon as I could, once I got past the first couple of weeks!  I think that was pretty important before I ever tried to employ sleep training of any kind.  And you know, something else important to mention is that i thought there would be a few nights of crying and then she would learn and never cry again, and that's just not true!  99% of the time she goes to bed with no problem, but if she's sick or just crabby, she will protest, but only for about 5 minutes and then she falls asleep.  I think the bottom line is that no matter what sleep training method you feel comfortable employing with your child, you need to be consistent, have a routine and begin it when you think they are ready. 

Sarah - posted on 02/27/2009

Quoting Amy:

Quoting Mary:

can anyone explain to me why an infant so young should learn to "self-soothe"? Isnt that what God gave them parents for and why they are so dependent on us? and how do you know they are "self-soothing" and not just "coping" with the fact that you're not giving them what they need? i am totally serious, im not trying to offend. i wonder how people who believe in CIO make sense of it.

And are you going to be there with a bottle when your child is 25 years old and can't fall asleep???  It's an essential thing to learn, is our point!  No one is telling you to do this, we are just saying quit knocking us for doing it!!!  If the baby is full, not sick, and has a clean diaper, then they are just crying to be rocked to sleep which is ok for like 6 or so months, but then they can figure it out or you nor he/she won't get any sleep.   Quit attacking people for offering advice of their own methods!!!  EVERY CHILD IS DIFFERENT, NO ONE IS SAYING "DO IT MY WAY"  we are just offerring advice when asked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am confused as to what age its okay to let an infant "cry it out" I have seen some posts about 4 month olds being "taught" this. This post says 6 months, is that more accurate??

I don't believe Mary was attacking anyone with this post. She was stating her opinion and to me, not in a rude way at all. The following post I think is attacking parents who do not choose that method. Saying that you will have to comfort your 25 year old with a bottle if you don't follow it seems a little extreme to me.

It is nice to see how many positive posts have been made on here, even though there is a difference of opinion though :)

Kat - posted on 02/27/2009

WELL SAID! I think each parent is often their own suject matter expert on what works with their / that child. There is no 'single' answer and anyone who pretends there is is clearly out of touch. A modified "Ferber" method worked fine with my daughter.....not so well with my son. But, like anything else, if you stick with it and ease in to it, the children respond to it. Both my kids now enjoy 'quiet awake' time in their cribs. They chatter to let us know they are awake but no screaming. They make little protests when going down but 99% of the time they bury their heads in the sheets and 'snuggle in' before we are out of the room. For my kids, it was the routine they responded to. Good luck - you are an awesome mom just becuase you posted and gave this so much thought. Your baby is so very lucky to have you - Ferbered or not!

Teri-Lyn - posted on 02/27/2009

i've been told by my doctor that sometimes letting my baby cry a bit is a good thing, if its been around 5 mins, i go in n reassure him im there n sing 2 him a bit or make soft sh sounds then i go again n repeat that until he falls asleep, it doesnt take him very long most nights and now its very rare that i even have 2 go in. i dont like that a lot of people call those who choose this method neglectful, now if ur child is screaming their lungs out n coughing from trying 2 get ur attention i feel thats wrong, but letting them cry a little isnt gonna harm them, especially if u show them ur there n give them lots of love n attention other times. from what ive seen the children whose parents run 2 them at the slightest sounds end up with kids that cant play by themselves or b alone for more than 2 minutes as they get older

Ashley - posted on 02/27/2009

Sara. You are the only one who knows your child. You know when your child is hurting and you know when your child is happy. I have 2 children. One is three and the other is one. If your child is fed (absolutely doesnt want to eat), isnt thirsty, has a dry diaper and you have held the child for a bit singing and rubbing on him/her before you put them down to sleep then it is okay to let your child cry. Doctors actually will recommend it. Because if you are holding your child who is tired or teething and they sit and constantly scream or cry, you are going to get frustrated. I have had doctors tell me to let the baby lay in another room and walk away as long as the conditions I mentioned earlier were fullfilled. Because the constant crying is the number one cause for shaken baby syndrome. A mother gets so upset and just wants her baby to quit crying. Routines are VERY important to children. My children go down for naps and for bedtime the SAME time every time. They eventually learn that it is coming and they may be upset but it doesnt matter, they are still going to sleep. Of course if your child continues to cry for a long period of time I would pick him/her up, rock and sing for a bit, then back to bed. Crying also tires them out. So if they cry for a bit and then you go to them, they'll fall asleep faster. They will have strong lungs too haha. But seriously my kids know they are very loved. Im going thru a tough time with my 3 year old bc now she's afraid of the dark. So we bought a bear that lights up and we 'beat up' the scary things that are in the dark for her. And she feels safe in knowing that her mommy and daddy will do whatever to protect her. She goes to sleep in her own room with the light off and the door closed and she's fine with that most of the time. They go thru cycles. Being a mom, you're winging it. Now I'd definitely chastise you if you put your children in a car and had no car seat. Or left them in a car. Or home alone under 10-12. But as for crying or discipline? I think parents need to quit being such pansies and lay down the law. Hello? Our children are shooting eachother at 7yrs old now. On purpose. So this is the LEAST of your worries babe!! We can be strict and we can also be very very loving and take the best care of our kids that we know how. My kids are number one to me. Thats all they ask for.

Silvia - posted on 02/27/2009

It is great that some moms are able to do it! I just coud not do it.! My 2nd child was very easy and he was in his room when he was 1 month old....my first one and 3rd one...forget it! ; specially my baby girl....We tried, and I guess I am a big baby...I sat by her door and cried. I am sure that she was going to be ok....but me...I was a mess. I just wish I was stronger because it is difficult...sometimes I wish I will put her down and she will go to sleep all by herself....oh well....parenthood :)

Bronwyn - posted on 02/27/2009

I agree with you on this! My baby boy is 14.5 months and had been sleeping all night since 6 months. --In his own crib-- It only took a week, and that was it! He isn't going to have low self-esteem for a week he doesn't even remember. Come on people. If you want to wake up at all hours of the night then fine, but I'm not...My baby is fast asleep and very peaceful. There is nothing wrong with letting them cry it out! It isn't like you even have to do it very long. Kids forget that stuff, esp when they are 6 months old.

Angel - posted on 02/27/2009

I'm having similiar problems as Haley - though my son is not breastfed anymore. He is 5 months old and for the life of me I cannot get him to soothe himself at all. He falls asleep with a bottle at every feeding, and with the fact he is starting to teeth I am getting concerned about tooth decay. I used to be to able to soothe him by giving him his pacifier, but now he will not take it at all. I do not know what to do. He falls asleep in my bed, and then I can move him to his crib and he is fine until he wakes up hungry.

At this point my son fights sleeping to all ends. He will get so tired and I can tell, but he refuses to fall asleep, and I'm not sure why. Now even a lot of the time when he is tired he will push the bottle out of his mouth and just scream and even go as far as hitting himself to keep himself awake. I do not get why he is doing this now all of a sudden (it just started last week or so).

I would really appreciate some help on how I can transition him into falling asleep on his own.

Sara - posted on 02/27/2009

I think the reason I chose to do Ferber is because my parents chose to do the cosleeping/AP thing with me and I was an awful child! I'm serious! I can remember having a really hard time sleeping on my own. I think my mom actually had to sleep with me after i transitioned to my own bed until I was 7 or 8. I got severely homesick going places or spending the night at friend's houses until I was 12 or 13. Now, I'm not messed up or anything because of it, but I know that it was difficult for my parents and my mom told me when I was pregnant with my daughter that while she loves me, if she could do it all over again, she wouldn't have done it the way she did. Like I've said before, I won't say I think AP/cosleeping is wrong, but it spoke volumes to me that my mom made that comment to me and it really made an impact on how I am chosing to raise my child.

Laynette - posted on 02/27/2009

Hey don't worry about what other people think! The Ferber method worked great for us. It only took five minutes of crying and ended an hour or two of trying to get her to sleep. It was in her best interest. That was a year and a half ago and guess what? She sleeps in her own big girl bed and is a happy (undamaged!!!) child.

We all make our own decisions in raising our children. No one decision is better than another as long as it is made with love.

Laynette - posted on 02/27/2009

Hey don't worry about what other people think! The Ferber method worked great for us. It only took five minutes of crying and ended an hour or two of trying to get her to sleep. It was in her best interest. That was a year and a half ago and guess what? She sleeps in her own big girl bed and is a happy (undamaged!!!) child.

We all make our own decisions in raising our children. No one decision is better than another as long as it is made with love.

Laynette - posted on 02/27/2009

Hey don't worry about what other people think! The Ferber method worked great for us. It only took five minutes of crying and ended an hour or two of trying to get her to sleep. It was in her best interest. That was a year and a half ago and guess what? She sleeps in her own big girl bed and is a happy (undamaged!!!) child.

We all make our own decisions in raising our children. No one decision is better than another as long as it is made with love.

Laynette - posted on 02/27/2009

Hey don't worry about what other people think! The Ferber method worked great for us. It only took five minutes of crying and ended an hour or two of trying to get her to sleep. It was in her best interest. That was a year and a half ago and guess what? She sleeps in her own big girl bed and is a happy (undamaged!!!) child.

We all make our own decisions in raising our children. No one decision is better than another as long as it is made with love.

Rachel - posted on 02/27/2009

Letting you child cry it out is just as oppionated as spanking. Each parent and each child is different. My son responded well to crying it out. I never left him alone for long periods of time. We would check on him after 5 minutes, then 10 and so on. It took about 3 days for him to get comfortable with this crib and sleeping there. My daughter onthe other hand, NEVER slept in her own bed till she was 4!!! Never again will that happen in my house. You can not have a successful marriage with a child in your bed. Sorry if you do not again so but it is true. That is why cosleeping is not always the answer. Even now my daughter who was 4 is now 8 she still wants to sleep with us, we have to tall her no all the time. Cosleeping did not work for us or her.

I agree that the crying out method is not cruel, it does teach your child to come aware and use to there room and environment. It is there own space.

Jaime - posted on 02/27/2009

I completely agree with you here! I chose cry it out for my daughter when we took her binky away adn it worked in a few days. On the other hand it did not work for my son, whho is almost a year old and we still don't have him sleeping well at night. Cry it out didn't work for him, becasue he would get sick (throw up) after the second tem minute intervel. We waited a few months and tried again, same situation. I think there are different types of sleep trainign methods for that reason. Every child is different and every parent is different. Thank you for posting this thread.

Emily - posted on 02/27/2009

Many doctors have recomended it for winging my son from breastfeeding. They say they need to  know that they can do it themselves but you are there for them if they need you. And then there are some children who are just screamers anyway you put them to bed my son is. He screams at bed time no matter what you do just becasue he does not want to go to sleep he thinks he is to busy for sleep.

Brandi - posted on 02/27/2009

Quoting Hayley:

I need help with this! My daughter is 16 weeks old and I feed her to sleep. It is such a bad habit because when she wakes up and I'm not there she freaks or when I put her down she wakes up. But when I have tried to get her to soothe herself she works herself up (in a matter of maybe 5min or less) to the point of not being able to breathe, coughing and vomitting from crying so much. Also when she hears my footsteps she cries harder so I try to avoid the hysterics and just get her back up. On the other hand when she is tired enough she is happy to soothe herself to sleep. Have I fed her to sleep for too long? What am i doing wrong?

I fed my daughter to sleep every night for the first 9 months until she decided she wanted to go to sleep on her own and honestly I still do sort of (she gets a last cup of milk/water every night) and she'll be 2 in April, so I don't think you are doing anything wrong. It might just be that those nights that she freaks out is because she's wanting more mommy time. There were nights that she was fine, others that she'd freak out if I wasn't there immediately upon waking and she still does that. I think a type of sleep training might be helpful for you but she might have also made the connection that if she throws a fit long/hard enough that you'll come and "save" her. You might want to try lengthening the time that you go and get her, say the first night not go in for 3 minutes (that's what I started with, because in that time she'd usually calm down) then go for 5, 6, 7, etc. Another thing we did was make that last bottle a really warm one. We even did that with milk once she switched because she was so used to that warm bottle, then we slowly started phasing it out by letting it be cooler and cooler every night. We do still give her warm milk on occasion, like if she's not had a nap or it was really short. It soothing to her and helped her sleep good.

I hope you find something that works for you though!! Good luck.

Katie - posted on 02/27/2009

you are COMPLETELY right. in my personal oppinion it is our jobs to help our children learn to be able to calm themselves, so that when theyre 16 they dont still need a blanket, or whatever. the cry it out method worked great for us, and my son is now a happy well rounded 3 year old. we have to teach them these things before they go out into the world and have to figure it out on their own. cuz lord knows its a much harder lesson for those who didnt learn to self soothe. like myself, actually... my parents believed in the no cry method and i couldnt stay over at a friends house untill i was like 12. we all choose to do it differently, and as long as we love our kids we will figure out what is right for them

Jena - posted on 02/27/2009

Quoting Hayley:

I need help with this! My daughter is 16 weeks old and I feed her to sleep. It is such a bad habit because when she wakes up and I'm not there she freaks or when I put her down she wakes up. But when I have tried to get her to soothe herself she works herself up (in a matter of maybe 5min or less) to the point of not being able to breathe, coughing and vomitting from crying so much. Also when she hears my footsteps she cries harder so I try to avoid the hysterics and just get her back up. On the other hand when she is tired enough she is happy to soothe herself to sleep. Have I fed her to sleep for too long? What am i doing wrong?

He is still pretty young. The Ferber method is not recommended for babies younger than 4 months, but sounds like yours is right around that age. I created a community about the Ferber method and have posted a detailed description of the method, if you are interested. My community is called, "Supporters of Dr. Ferber's Method". Just type in "Ferber" in the upper right hand search bar, and it will pop up!

Elizabeth - posted on 02/26/2009

I thank theDr who came up with this very helpful method...it helped me with my daughter. I totally agree with you Sara! You worded it all perfectly, I bet theres alot of women thinking exactly the same thing!

Rachel - posted on 02/26/2009

We did Ferber and he was sleeping through the night at 6 weeks and goes to bed by himself at bedtime, he's almost 3. My nephew didn't sleep in his own bed until he was 6, so everyone has different methods. I wanted my kid to get to sleep on his own.

Cadence - posted on 02/26/2009

Sara.. well said!! 

I have Twin girls and to be perfectly honest when i was in hospital the midwives told me that i should put the girls in their own room or down the other end of the house so i could get some sleep. I left them to cry as quite frankly i didnt have enough time to hold them and pat them and rock them both to sleep and they never cried for long and they certainly arent lacking psychologically or feeling abandoned.. and back in the days i know my mum use to let me cry and my mums mum.. so its sad that people find the need to call it child abuse when there are alot bigger "child abuse" situations happening out there then letting a child cry for a little bit (meanwhile you feel like crap and you are still listening to it and still checking on them) so if anything maybe the parent would be feeling like they are failing themselves not failing the child.

Emily - posted on 02/26/2009

Agreed Agreed! My husband is an Internal Medicine/Pediatrics Physician.... and he had to coax me into trying this method. It's really a matter of the parent and child and what's going to work for ya'll. This worked for us. It was super hard on me (no one enjoys hearing their baby cry) but it was so good for him. After awhile of going in and reassuring, but not picking up, he did great. He is almost 5 now and is a trooper of a sleeper... to the point that when he is ready to go to bed, he'll say "mom, I need to take a rest, can we do this in the morning"-- You're doing great!

Laura - posted on 02/26/2009

I completely agree!

Karlie - posted on 02/26/2009

just wanted to say after hearing so many people say the ferber method works for them i thought i would give it ago. so i bought the book on ebay today. wish me luck :)

Theresa - posted on 02/26/2009

You are right on.  As moms we need to stop judging each other and start supporting each other. . I think this applies to breast or bottle choices too.  We can not possibly understand what another moms circumstances are and we should be a shoulder to lean on and not condemn each other.  My son (who is almost 20 months) has never been a good sleeper and the cry it out method did not work for him (he had undiagnosed acid reflux) but that does not mean that it doesn't work for other children.  The bottom line is is that we know our children the best and  we do what we think is best for them.  We need each other's support and compassion. 

Deborah - posted on 02/26/2009

Good for you mom!!!! I agree totally! I used this method for my son, and also for my daughter now. It worked, and I was not ignoring them. Every child is different, with different needs.

Sara - posted on 02/26/2009

Hayley,

i just had an additional thought, some childern are naturally more attached (need more than others so maybe (if she falls asleep during day time feedings) you could let her sleep on you during the day for a bit so shes getts the extra attention that she wants (and dont take this as me saying your not giving her enough attention, because thats not what i mean by it)

my son sometimes takes 10-15 min power naps during his feedings; he eats the falls asleep, then when he wakes up i switch sides to finish his feedings, when hes done he seems very refreshed and im happy (having a sleeping baby in my arms is something special, i love the bonding time)

also i wanted to say that corrina has some very good ideas

Emmalena - posted on 02/26/2009

Thank you!! I stongly agree with your opionion and im glad you voiced your opion  on this method of teaching thanks

Corrina - posted on 02/26/2009

Quoting Hayley:

I need help with this! My daughter is 16 weeks old and I feed her to sleep. It is such a bad habit because when she wakes up and I'm not there she freaks or when I put her down she wakes up. But when I have tried to get her to soothe herself she works herself up (in a matter of maybe 5min or less) to the point of not being able to breathe, coughing and vomitting from crying so much. Also when she hears my footsteps she cries harder so I try to avoid the hysterics and just get her back up. On the other hand when she is tired enough she is happy to soothe herself to sleep. Have I fed her to sleep for too long? What am i doing wrong?

you can possibly start some other sleep association things whilst  you feed her to sleep, so she won't  always  associate your  breast with sleep, having said that, I still feed my son to sleep when he wakes up at night /bc he's hungry, but at his bedtime, I ,90 percent of the time, don't feed him to sleep (he's 6 months). ( i brush his teeth after his last feed...I worry about tooth decay)

lullaby's worked really well with my son-and they worked wonders for calming him down. leaving a shirt with my sent on it. squirting some breast milk on a stuff animal, somewhere nearby...but not too close that she wouldn't suffocate on it, might also work. shushing and saying sleepy-time, back rubbing, rocking. i've tried all of these things with my son, and they've all worked fairly well, some more then others-and now we have this lovely little routine, were i read some stories, turn out the light, rock him gently with a couple of shushes and he's  asleep, no fussing...unless there's  somthing he wants to grab at or if he's teething(his bottom teeth came in at 4 months)...but it's generally alright-he's only 6months old right?!  Also he loves being read to, he giggles when i turn the pages!

My husband also helps with the night-time routine so I don't always have to be there...it might help to let someone help for a bit, so she can get used to someone else easing her off into dreamland...when you and her are ready of course.

I started doing this when he was 4 months....

You're doing the best you can, I don't think you're doing anything wrong...when they're upset and they really want something...right?!

good luck!

Nadia - posted on 02/26/2009

Hi Sara, I didn't realize that people are judging mom's who make their kids cry it out. I have to agree with you , it is definitely not child abuse, we all do what is right for our kids and they need to learn to sleep by themselves. I'm sure that our parent's did the same and no one cried child abuse. For those who think it is child abuse well they know where they can go....unreal!!! I just can't believe it. I have used it for my first child and my second is only 10 weeks old, but I will use that method if necessary.

Nadia - posted on 02/26/2009

Hi Sara, I didn't realize that people are judging mom's who make their kids cry it out. I have to agree with you , it is definitely not child abuse, we all do what is right for our kids and they need to learn to sleep by themselves. I'm sure that our parent's did the same and no one cried child abuse. For those who think it is child abuse well they know where they can go....unreal!!! I just can't believe it. I have used it for my first child and my second is only 10 weeks old, but I will use that method if necessary.

Jodie - posted on 02/26/2009

Okay, I am a young parent and since my daughter was born I have had her sleeping in my bed, due to the breast feeding and all the waking up in the begining months. I have had the same routine since she was born: Dinner, bath, book, bottle,singing and then bed~! Then she would pass out like a light~! Then it changed to I had to lay with her so she knew i was there then it changed I had to lay with her in my bed until she was asleep and I mean for hours or she would loose it!  So once we got situated and moved into our new home she was still doing it! I tried everything ! My last resort... Cry it out and it worked! I fealt horrible the first night till I found out 15 minutes later she was asleep! With me going in and checking on her of course! Then the next night it was 10 minutes and then five and then 3 and about a week later, nothing!Dinner, bath, book, bottle songs, then goodnite my love! Not a peep! Children and babys adapt very easily if they are in a safe and secure environment! When they know they have those one or two people they could count on! My daughter still once in a while will  have a couple of cranky nights but on those nights... is she over tired, has a part of her routine changed, did i skip the book or the songs! Am I a bad parent for letting my child know that I am there! Am I a bad parent for letting my child grow up?? Or am I a bad parent for listening to my parents and her dads parents when they say hey enough is enough... this toddler can do this on her own with YOUR HELP! Her grandparents did it to me and her dad and we turned out just fine! This is not a cruel method, I think it teaches them that mommy and daddy-(if involved) are there for them! And doctors prescribe it darnit! thats all!

Tara - posted on 02/26/2009

I have just recently started the 'cry it out' method, the ferber method. I have to say it is the hardest thing to do, as there is no doubt that it is hard to hear your baby cry, however I know it is for his benefit. I did do lots of research, tried many other methods and had a cranky baby during the day that would barely take naps, at most maybe 20 mins 4-5 times a day. On the plus side he slept wonderfully at night, we were very lucky there. I would have to hold/rock etc for a very long time and he would still be crying in my arms even. I knew something had to change as something wasn't right. I read the book ' Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child' and wow so much made sense as to why he was acting the way he was during the day at times...he was OVERTIRED and then sometimes overstimulated! this book is wonderful. It gives you options such as like the ferber method, extintion or no cry, it doesn't tell you what is right or wrong as each parent and child has their own way, own comfortable level etc of doing things. I think it is up to you as a parent and also the behavior of your child to do what you feel is right. If one way doesn't work, you may try another until something works for everyone. This is NOT child abuse and I feel that is just horrible, judgement and wrong for someone to say. 

My little man is 5 months old and I have been doing this less than a week and wow what a positive difference. As soon as I see he is getting tired (yawning, quiet, rubbing eyes...) I put him in his crib still awake and most of the time he barely cries or it's for a few minutes. Yes there are times where he will cry more but he is protest crying. He needs to learn to soothe himself to sleep and just doesn't know how because I was always rocking him etc...The time he is awake is so much better, more pleasant for both of us, and when I get him from his nap he is all smiles and his happy self. His naps are longer now as well. 

He is this way now because he is better rested! not overtired. I can say I was scared to do it but knew something needed to be done and im happy I am doing it since I see such a positive outcome. 

If you choose not to do this method then great as that is what works for you and your family and there is nothing wrong with that!

Sara - posted on 02/26/2009

Quoting Hayley:

I need help with this! My daughter is 16 weeks old and I feed her to sleep. It is such a bad habit because when she wakes up and I'm not there she freaks or when I put her down she wakes up. But when I have tried to get her to soothe herself she works herself up (in a matter of maybe 5min or less) to the point of not being able to breathe, coughing and vomitting from crying so much. Also when she hears my footsteps she cries harder so I try to avoid the hysterics and just get her back up. On the other hand when she is tired enough she is happy to soothe herself to sleep. Have I fed her to sleep for too long? What am i doing wrong?

I don't know if this wil work since i didnt have this problem (though there are some bad nights)

but my suggestion is to work up to it slowly.

when my son has a bad night i feed him for a bit then sneak in his soother (so he doesnt wake up and thinks hes stil nursing) i put him down put and keep my hands on him to let him know im there. then i slowly move away one hand at a time, staying by his crib for a bit etc...

if she takes a sother; you could try putting her down in her crib and start by sitting beside her (giving her soother back when she losses it) then each night moving farther away.

... reading posts by other moms ive read that it may be because shes hungry ??? maybe...

as for if its been too long, i duno think so. a friends of mine did the same thing and i know her daughter cried a lot longer than my son did but eventualy she was able to sooth herself to sleep. so there is hope, if this method doesn't work another surly will.

hope this helps hayley

Shelly - posted on 02/26/2009

Sara,

  Amen sister....Some times the personal attacks get to be way over the top!!!

Andrea - posted on 02/26/2009

Amen! Our sleep habits are formed at a very very young age. If we do not allow our children to soothe themselves to sleep, they will develop habits that will trouble them throughout life. Obviously letting a child cry it out for a few minutes is not the same as completely neglecting them if they are ill or injured. I feel that spending 45 minutes to an hour tucking in a child, reading countless books, even lying down with him/her is an awful habit to start. My children have gotten tucked in, told "I love you. It's bedtime." since they were tiny. Neither of them have issues falling asleep now.