Frustrated/ am I wrong?

Deborah - posted on 06/01/2010

I understand how you feel. a few years ago my Sister-in-law and her young daughter moved in with me, my husband and our son. It was only supposed to be for a couple of months but that turned into a year. We have very different parenting styles and she is older so she tries to play mom to me. And to top it off during that time my mother in law came to visit for several months, and she is definitely an opinionated older mom type. I actually used to hide out in our bedroom most of the time when he was little. I seems strange but it was like our sanctuary. Honestly things didn't get better till we were all living in our separate houses and with some distance between those homes, Lol. I wouldn't recommend trying to confront her right now because that will create alot of tension in the house, unless you really don't think you can handle it anymore. But my advice is just take a deep breath and remember your own place is soon in your future, and when you do find that place i suggest a little distance not too far so it's impossible to visit but maybe eliminate those little pop over visits 5 times a day. Lol Good luck.

Colleen - posted on 06/01/2010

You are NOT over reacting. Unfortunately, until you get your own place, you will have to deal with your ML.

Tamara - posted on 06/01/2010

You're not going crazy and you're not wrong. It's normal to feel frusterated when you feel like someone is judging you and trying to tell you how to live your life. However in this case your focusing on the interfering mother in law, trying to outdo you at raising your son. I don't think she means it to spite you. She just loves her grand baby and is probably jumping at any opportunity to spend time with him. I know my mom would if we were close enough. as far as the calling him son goes. it could be a couple things. nostalgia for when she had her own baby and a simple slip of the tongue. or more than likely it's simply that with most people son is a term of endearment for boys related or not. At least it always was in the town I grew up in.

Meghan - posted on 06/01/2010

I live with my mom too...but luckily she isn't as overbearing as your in laws seem to be. The only real issue we have is with dicsipline...she is a little more old school where as I sit and talk and or ignore negative behavior altogether. She jumps right in sometimes and takes over if he isn't responding to me right away. It is frustrating for sure!

What helped BIG TIME for me was to sit my mom down and set up some ground rules. There are things that I refuse to back down on, but it is her house and we do need to respect some of her wishes as well. Things like your son sitting in a poopy diaper for 5 minutes (which I do too-nothing worse than changing a diaper and then 10 minutes later having to do it again) and letting him play by himself, are things that you MIL should leave to you. Now if she where to get down on the floor and play WITH him w/o making a snid comment- I am sure that would be ok. Or maybe if he has pooped she could ASK you if you want her to help and change it..not just assume you are being neglegent b/c you are doing things different! It's all about respect for everyone involved and I don't think you are over reacting. Although it is their house, this is your child! Have a family meeting!

Anne Marie - posted on 06/01/2010

I think they are just being in-laws. Grandparents tend to spoil grand kids most of the time. If your husband thinks your making a big deal of nothing I think he is wrong. You are the parent and sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. Grand parents forget that sometimes kids just like to be on their own under your watchful eye. Have you tried sitting down with your mother in law and letting her know how much you appreciate all that they do for you \9even if you don't appreciate it) but that when he poops you like to make sure he is finished, also you as a parent realize the importance of the bond between parent and child as well as parent and grand parent but there is also a need for the child to learn to entertain himself and have his own space. Suggest to her that she ask you before taking over. She can ask if it is okay to change his diaper or play with him. Let her play when it is okay and allow that play time with them. I don't know if you can talk to her like that but if you let her know how much you appreciate what she does then she is less likely to be defensive. If she sounds insulted just tell her again you appreciate the time she spends with your child. Remember she is a mother too and had young kids once too. I don't know her but most people when approached in a friendly way and appreciative way are willing to work with you. My kids were estranged from my inlaws for years and now resent us for it. My mom passed away when I was pregnant with my second child and she has stated she feels cheated cause she never met my mother. I do think you should get your own place asap but don't cheat yourself of your goals, and try to work it out as best as you can.

Rebecca - posted on 06/01/2010

God love grandparents, but their biggest problem is that they don't seem to remember quite what it was like to be a parent. Do you think your mother-in-law never sat down in front of General Hospital while her baby boy sat on the floor at her feet playing with blocks? Do you think your father-in-law never let his son shed a tear? I'm sure they did, but they'll never admit such a thing to you.

Now personally, I take no issue when my husband's mom picks up one or both of my twins to play with them while I'm reading a book or what have you. What WOULD tick me off would be passive aggressive comments such as the ones you mentioned, and unless you want to harbor a ticking time bomb, I'd talk to her about it. Politely explain that when she says things like that, it makes you feel as though she's judging your abilities as a mother and that it hurts your feelings. Be sure to express that while you're always willing to listen to advice or insight she might have, you'd appreciate it if she kept remarks like that to herself and allowed you to parent your child the way YOU see fit.

In the meantime, you need to explain to your husband that regardless of whether or not he feels you're overreacting, you're coming to him with what you feel is a legitimate issue, and that the issue at hand is deeply upsetting you and causing unneeded tension in what is probably already a tense situation. Let him know that HE needs to start standing up to his parents and for his own family or you'll take it upon yourself to be more assertive when it comes to his parents, and if they have a problem with the way you're acting, you'll direct their concerns directly to him. Let him deal with the aftermath, and you go have belly-tickle time with your son.

Kim - posted on 06/01/2010

i would have snapped and told her /them off by now, so good for you with keeping your cool. just try to get your own place ASAP. and when you do, and they come visit you make sure you let your rules be clear.

Teresa - posted on 06/01/2010

Get out as soon as possible!!!



I was going to mention talking to your husband about it, but then I noticed that you've already tried that. So yeah, just get out as soon as you can. Good luck!!

Jen - posted on 06/01/2010

i know how u feel i live with my partners parents n some times in the morning she will whisper to my bf is so n so dressed up warm its cold outside n im thinking im the mom i have checked the weather. n everyweek she will buy my son sumthing tht he dnt need like spnonges i brought him new ones n she went out n brought new ones the next day. i also cnt wait to move not becaus ethey drive me mad but i think tht wud be a selfish reason because they provide a roof over my head but theres no room for my baby to run around n they take alot of meds n leave them on windersills so im there following my son where ever he goes. luckily he cnt reach the window yet but one day he he will n im dreading it.

Joy - posted on 06/01/2010

Ditto.

Also if you think he's pooping in his pants, get them off him and put him on the potty so he can finish there. Its much harder to train them once theyve learned that THATS where you do it. And heaven forbid he develops enuresis....my 9 year old STILL poops herself because she doesnt realize shes doing it.

Grandparents are a powerhouse of knowledge. Pick her brain. You might pick up something useful and they SEE that you are involved. Especially since they were kind enough to take the three of ya'll in when ya'll needed it. Alot of parents couldnt care less.

Amy - posted on 06/01/2010

Unfortunatly that's what you have to deal with when you live in someone elses house. My advice is get out as soon as possible because you are going to resent them and your husband with each passing day! I lived with my inlaws before we had our first child and I know it's sometimes necessay but not having your own space is really hard I can't even imagine with a lo. If we still lived there my mil would be the same exact way and still is when she comes to visit. Sometimes my daughter just doesn't want to be held and she insists on holding her all the time, she also asks how's my baby and I always reply with he's at work. So what I'm trying to say it's not you, move asap!