Frustrated and could REALLY use some help please, and thank you... :( About ready to give up

Sneaky - posted on 11/15/2010

I only read the first page and not all 80 replies so if I say something already said then I am sorry!
Some practical advice: Have you considered co-sleeping? I know it feels like going backwards (and might create a problem for later) if bub is happy in her own bed in her own room but you need sleep now! If having her either in your bed or in a cot next to your bed means that you can roll over and stick a dummy in her mouth without having to open both eyes or get out of bed at night then that might be something to consider.
As to hubby not making up her formula correctly, then you may have to take on yet another chore and make all her bottles up each night or each morning for the day ahead, that way your husband can't 'save' formula that way.
As an aside: if you husband has been shorting her formula since she was born then it might have had an effect of her development - has she had a check-up lately to make sure he hasn't done any damage? BTW, another poster on the first page said something about social services frowning upon this 'saving' formula practice - maybe you could use that to your advantage if you do separate from your husband and need to arrange custody?? But I think that means you would need to document the 'abuse' now, probably by taking her for a check-up and mentioning that you are concerned about the effect that his feeding has had on her.
I know the situation sucks, but if your husband is really the jerk you have described then there is probably nothing you can do to 'make' him help you. I am sorry you are going through this alone :o(

Kimberly - posted on 11/15/2010

If she is not already maybe try rice cereal just before bed time and then bottle. Maybe cut back on naps a little (like 15 min or so to start) durring the day. My son had a huge problem with constipation so I mixed a spoom full of prunes in with his cereal. Sounds like she is not getting enough calories durring the day. Cutting back on formula is cutting back on how many calories and since that is her main source I think she may be telling you she is not getting enough.
According to Merck, healthy infants under six month of age need about 50 to 55 calories per pound of body weight. Hubby needs to help or sit down and let you do what you need to do. Good luck.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/15/2010

If your husband does not work early in the morning have him take care of her some at night so you can rest. You also might want to talk to him how this is important to you and you need his support. But as far as getting her not to want the bottle every thirty minutes if she wont take her pacifier it is going to take time for her to adjust and it is going to continue to be difficult. I wish I could be more help but my daughter took the pacifer so I did not have this battle but this is just the first of many things you go through in parenting. Wish you the best and hope it helps.

Joanne - posted on 11/14/2010

omg that carmel needs some sense slapped into her just because u give your child a dummy doesnt make u a bad mam and u have evry right to be exhausted after 5 months i have got 4 kids and by 5 months most babies sleep through the night i have got sympathy 4 u my daughter was born at 34 weeks and was a low birth weight (3 and half pound ) and was feeding every hour i was shattered but i have a partner and mother to help i feel so sorry for u but things will get better chin up hun xxx

Sue - posted on 11/14/2010

Hi tyonna,after 6 children i know how hard this is.Try giving her just water in her bottle my oldest quickly learned if that is all she was going to get she didnt bother with it.other than that give her a little custard or yoghurt before bed maybe half an hour this will help to fill her up.And the husband part give that up as a bad joke my husband still does not back me up when it comes to the kids so unless you make him get up a few times and see how hard it is you are on your own.I also am a believer in letting them cry to sleep did me no harm or any of my kids.If you can hang tough for a few days she will get the message but that is the hard part.wish you all the best.sue

Joanne - posted on 11/14/2010

have u tried her on plus milk is she on solids yet its dangerous for her to be drinking lying down if u fall asleep as for your husband he should be helping u sit him down and tell him how hard it is and how stressed and tired u are if he doesnt listen then tell him to bugga off he helped create the child he should help to look after her good luck honey xx

Kate CP - posted on 11/13/2010

A personal attack is a personal attack. *shrug* Most forums have rules about things like this.

Carmel - posted on 11/13/2010

I apologise I didnt realise this forum had such constraints that prevents a person from offering an opinion.

Kate CP - posted on 11/13/2010

Carmel: How fast can you go when you pedal backwards?

Katherine - posted on 11/13/2010

******The OP is looking for support, not ridicule or judgement.*****Administrative warning******

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/13/2010

WOW Carmel..nice soap box you are sitting on...it is perfect beautiful and shiny! Gee wizzz.....I wish everyones lives could be painted the pretty picture you portrayed your perfect life! BACK OFF!

Tyonna....I am having a similiar problem about habits...but I am BF,,,my 7 month old wakes up searching for my boobie! It is going to be a tough habit to break, and we need all the support we can get from EVERYONE! Good luck my fellow mommy!

Carmel - posted on 11/13/2010

What I was doing was to get you to re-evaluate your approach and change your thought patterns so that you could look at this amazing little bundle you have created with joy and wonder instead of viewing just the negative aspects on how a new little being can impact on your life i.e lack of sleep, finances, and the added workload.
I wasnt implying you are a bad mother, I just feel you are a little overwhelmed and underappeciated and I dont want you to start resenting your children due to the added workload........its a mindset that we have, change your thought patterns and the resulting behaviours will also change, as for whether you can legally leave the state with your kids that is something that you will have to look into

Tyonna - posted on 11/13/2010

That still does not give you the right to sit back and tell me I am being a bad mother. Though you did not come out and say those exact words, that is what you were saying. And ALSO in my previous posts, I have stated that I am trying to find a legal way out of this marriage because of the way he is treating me. I have to find out if I can legally leave state with my kids or not because I have NO WHERE to go in this town at all. It is going to take some time and money (which I have none of either) for me to be able to either fix this or end this.

Carmel - posted on 11/13/2010

Tyonna, you view my comments as ridicule they are not. I just like to make people sit back and think.
I applaud the fact that you are bettering yourself but your daughter is still only 5 and a half months old as for your husband , you chose him to be the father of your children and your life partner.

Tyonna - posted on 11/13/2010

Carmel Christensen - I don't appreciate the things you have been saying. If you had read ALL of my posts you would have realized that I stated later on that I was not upset with the fact that she was waking up wanting the bottle, I was upset that she was waking up every half hour and I was the one getting up with her. I was simply looking for HELP and SUGGESTIONS about what I could do to help her sleep through the night. I was not asking to be ridiculed and told that giving my daughter the pacifier was the wrong decision. in fact, studies have shown (according to my PAT worker) that babies who use pacifiers at night are at a lower risk of getting SIDs. And as far as me going to school AND working AND raising my kids, the reason I went back to school is BECAUSE I had my daughter and my son. I want to provide them with a better childhood than I had growing up. If I had not had them, I probably would not have gone back to school. THEY are the reason I am in school this year. I never said it was going to be easy (and never expected it to be), I was just looking for ways to possibly get the dad to help out more or see what other moms have done to help their kids break the habit. And furthermore, speaking of habits, if had read my other posts you would have realized that I ad found out that my daughters bottle at night habit was just that, a habit. Had she truly been hungry she would have continued to cry after I gave her just a bottle of water. Had she continued to cry I would given her a bottle of formula. I do not need to be told that I am starving my kid and being a bad mother. I am getting that enough from my husband and don't need it from anyone else on an ADVICE board. Unless advice no longer means that but rather "let's get on and ridicule someone". So next time you want to start asking me why I had kids when I wasn't ready, you might want to THINK before you open your mouth.

Margaret - posted on 11/13/2010

I am going through the same with my daughter who is about the same age. The only difference is she is breastfeeding. I would insist that he help you out. My boyfriend feels bad that he cannot get up with our daughter. He needs to man up and take responsibilty, you are not the only parent but that is just my opinion. I don't know either of you. If you do not get the support you need you will burn out both mentally and physically and then you will not be able to care for anyone. I know this from my first marriage.

Carmel - posted on 11/13/2010

I think we all have to ask ourselves "Why do we have children?" I gave birth to 4 kids 3 of which have grown into beautiful people accepted by their peers, they are strong independent loving members of their chosen communities. None of which had a pacifier, their communication skills were encouraged as were their emotional skills. There is no sworn by guide to parenting children and it is a full time commitment but thats what it is, it is a commitment to bring a child into this world and it is a decision the resulting child has no say in...........we chose to give birth to them, we can not then decide omg this is too hard lets just turn back now. We have contraception in place to prevent unwanted pregnancies why on earth do not more people use said contraceptives if the place in life at that particular time does not allow for the commitment to be made............the reason I say this is mum has to work and go to school plus commit to raising a child so what said child gets a full possibly 2 hours at best with a parent that resents the time required to meet the poor childs basic requirements and that is simply food, where is the time going to come from for the important needs like love and nurturing and guidance and to take the time to sit and play and talk to your little person.

Amy - posted on 11/13/2010

My Gabi was a full on carrying baby all the time. There are times i needed a break. When she had reflux problems, she wanted to suck. Not all pacifiers are bad. I just think parents could slowly introduce a lovie in place or "lose" it. They may cause a fuss but something will catch their attention.

Carmel - posted on 11/13/2010

Tyonna, your daughter is 5 and a half months old......I could understand your frustration if she was 2 years or older. What did you expect that you would have this amazing little being come out of your body and sleep through from a week old. As for the pacifier.......why??????? What is it with parents offering an artificial comforter that a child then forms an attachment to only to then ask the question when the child is 3 omg how do I get my child to give up her dummy/pacifier........you introduced it in the first place for what purpose is something I am yet to understand........baby cries put a dummy in its mouth.......when all the baby is trying to do is to convey a message in the first place that you as the parent is missing.
As for getting your husbands support, communication always works, is it that you want him to get up for the night feed or perhaps the early morning feed before he goes off to work, we are all similar to children in that we love to receive praise so any help that he does give you be sure to praise him, that one simple thing will breed more help and support because he wants your praise but dont forget it goes both ways if he has had a rough day at work he will need your support as well. Be sure to recognize the little things that he does and it makes the big things come more often.

Amy - posted on 11/13/2010

Oh Tyonna I know your tired momma! *hugs* but it's completely normal for little ones to go thru a growth spurt and want a night time feeding. I know you tired but you CAN do it! You can get thru this and soon she'll be sleeping better. :) If she doesn't really eat the whole bottle, then give her the amount she will drink and/or pop a pacifier. She sucking comforts her. You can try low warm music such as those 1950 Christmas oldies.

All three of mine were night time feeders and they are fine. Even their teeth are great I brushed when they first got a tooth. Recently, our 16 month old still wakes up to get a drink from her bottle or sippy. ;)



I know your giving the correct amount of formula but DH is not. It's like going on a diet, and drinking watered down slim fast. You end up quenched with hunger and I know this sounds out of this world but I truly think that is part of your little ones problem too. She's starving and trying to make up for it at night because I think in a way she can taste the difference when you feed her and when he "does" You make her feel full so she wants more from you. :) My daughter could taste the difference with her Enfamil AR and Similac. I completely understand that he is in money saving mode, but that way is not the way to go. How about mixing an off brand formula with her regular formula or switching to an off brand formula instead? When she starts to sit up herself and holds/moves her head around, you can give a her a little bit of warm rice or oatmeal baby cereal before a bottle to make her feel full. I hope everything gets better. *hugs*

Mikayla - posted on 11/13/2010

"first...she shouldn't be going to bed with a bottle. it isn't good for the mouth and can develop a lot of bacteria and get ear infections."

i wrote that in my first post...you can ignore i read what you wrote wrong....i thought you were putting her back to bed with the bottle in her mouth...but do read the rest!!

Mikayla - posted on 11/13/2010

the baby isn't hungry. she is using the bottle as a soother. (no attitude intended)

Mikayla - posted on 11/13/2010

first...she shouldn't be going to bed with a bottle. it isn't good for the mouth and can develop a lot of bacteria and get ear infections.

second...try developing a good bed time routine
example: bath, then bottle and read some books, then take the bottle when she is done drinking, change diaper, rub some lotion on her legs and bell and back, then turn out the light and just cuddle with her for a little while. after that give her some kisses and some hugs say good night mommy luvs you.

she is going to cry. she used to fall asleep in my arms while i was breastfeeding. so i had to change the way she fell asleep. so i held her hand until she fell asleep for the first few nights, then i just stayed by the crib for the next few nights, then i put her down and went out of the room for the rest. at first she cried and screemed but she got the point after a few days of leaving the room and fell asleep on her own. (i had to do the same for nap time too).

as for waking up in the middle of the night. if she just wakes up and cries a little then leave her, but if she wakes up and is screaming and crying then go in there pick her up and give her a kiss and rock her for a few minutes and put her back in bed (don't talk and keep the lights off). gradually decrease the time you rock her and eventually just give her a kiss and walk back out. then eventually she will get the point. she might still cry but doing this gives reassurance that you are there.

eventually she will get the point and will learn to self sooth herself to sleep. it seems that she is using the bottle for a soothing and if she doesn't learn how to do it now you will have problems when she gets older....it is better to break bad habits sooner than later because later is harder.

i wouldn't recomend the pacifier because if it falls out and she wakes up she is gonna cry for it to be put back in her mouth.

let her learn to sooth herself to get back to sleep.

JODY - posted on 11/12/2010

Just let her cry it out she will go back to sleep. This could take about a week or so.

Brenda - posted on 11/12/2010

Are you feeding her cereal before you put her to bed?She is obviously hungry in the middle of the night soI would try to make sure she has a larger meal at around 10 or 11, just prior to you going to bed. She is very young and she is not ready to have the bottle taken away at this stage. You just need to get her to sleep through the night without waking you up. Oh,I know its hard but she will be a baby such a short time you will look back on this and laugh.

Christi - posted on 11/11/2010

It is going to sound harsh, but man up. Do not give in and give her the bottle. You might try increasing the amount you feed her each time or start trying baby foods or even cereal.

Katie - posted on 11/11/2010

My husband is a very supportive father. That being said, I've got a story that may help. When my daughter was about 4, she got sent to her room. You would have thought her world was coming to an end! She screamed at the top of her lungs and I was sure that the neighbors would call the police! My husband, much like yours, always gave in to her! This particular time I stood in front of him and told him, under NO circumstances are you to open that door! he asked me why and I explained that no matter what he did when he opened the door, she wins! Whether you coddle her, spank her, or yell at her, she WINS! It took about a half hour of her screaming and she finally came out of her room, sweet as pie, and apologized for her behavior! It was a great 'I told you so' moment!

Katherine - posted on 11/11/2010

Yes, mine has that habit too. I still don't know how to break her. Good/great to know I'm not the only one!!!

Tyonna - posted on 11/11/2010

Sorry I have not been in on in the last day or two. I have been busy getting my car fixed and dealing with school/schoolwork. I have read most of the latest post and would like to clear some things and give an update on my daughter.

As far as my husband goes, my thoughts about divorce have been brewing for awhile now. It's NOT just because I am not getting help with the baby. As some has mentioned, I did mention several posts back that my husband is emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and though that in itself is not right, he would NEVER hit any of us. As mad as he has gotten with me about some things he has never even raised a hand to me nonetheless hit me. His emotional and verbal is him saying that I am a failure at everything I do (school, work, kids, being a mother, etc.) and how because I grew up with a HORRIBLE childhood that I am trying to do the same with my kids. That kind of abuse is why I am seeking therapy and eventually a divorce. I do not deserve to be treated the way I am being treated. I have had MORE than my fair share of emotional abuse from father before (and after) my father committed suicide. And the LAST thing I need right now is the same from my husband.

As for my daughter, I have been giving her water in her bottle at night and have discovered that the bottle is only a HABIT and NOT because she is waking up hungry. After I give her the bottle of water, she will roll right back over and go back to sleep. If she truly was hungry, she would have continued to cry. So that gave me the clue that it was only habit. Now all I have to do is find a way to break her of the bottle all together at night. Any suggestions there? Lol. If anyone has ANY questions about ANYTHING I have said, please feel free to PM me and I will be happy to clear things up.

Thank you all (minus a couple who were rather rude about some things, but they are to be unmentioned at this time) for all the suggestions and encouraging words.

Tyonna

Melony - posted on 11/11/2010

maybe she is teething and the bottle is something to relieve that. I used to put water in my kids night bottle and the habit was broken within days. They were much older though. At 5 months I do remember a lot of sleepless nights due to teething. If the father wont help you need to get help from somewhere. Ask a relative or friend if you can take a night off every now and then. I`m sure they wont mind or maybe talk to your husband. He needs to help you.

Kristy - posted on 11/10/2010

1-800-799-SAFE - National Domestic Violence Hotline

Kristy - posted on 11/10/2010

Yes I know. However, I read her initial post and responded to that. I didn't read all 47 posts to see if she added anything else to what she said in the begining. BUT....As I stated if he is treating her well in other areas then maybe she should not throw in the towel yet so apparently if he is not treating her well as I also stated then I suggested she consider leaving. So for Kate to state that I suggested that Tyonna stay in a relationship bcuz it could be much worse and wait til he gets physical is absurd and far from what I said. So if everyone from this point forward could please read the entire posts before replying to them it would be appreciated. I did cover all the bases when I posted. Thanks.

Katherine - posted on 11/10/2010

I will say one thing. If anyone ANYONE needs help with domestic violence, I have the numbers.

Katherine - posted on 11/10/2010

****We do need to get back on topic****. This thread is all over the place.

Thanks


Katherine

WtCoM Administrator

Kristy - posted on 11/10/2010

Eventually I did leave.It's a terrible cycle that we get into tho as D.V. victims but a survivor is what I am now and I would never suggest for anyone to stay in that situation....verbally, physically, financially, emotionally or otherwise.

Kate CP - posted on 11/10/2010

Perhaps you should read all of a post before responding, as well. She has said that he tells her she's a failure and is being selfish. That's abusive behavior.

Stifler's - posted on 11/10/2010

Wow this has gone from cereal in the bottle to divorce pretty quick.

Katherine - posted on 11/10/2010

@ Kristy, I hope you didn't stay with him....

Kristy - posted on 11/10/2010

Kate: Do you just look for the negative in everything? Did you read the entire post? I did not recommend that she stay with him especially if there is any type of abuse going on.People can tend to read into alot of things.What I said was if he is supportive in so many other ways and TREATS HER WELL otherwise, then don't throw in the towel. We cant assume that just bcuz he doesnt help her with the baby at night and she can't get him to understand how badly she could use help doesnt mean that he eventually is going to abuse her. I work with domestic violence victims and the last thing I would advise any one to do is stay in an abusive relationship.Wow! I said much more than that, Kate. Could you please read what I wrote before you start responding to my posts. Thanks Kate!!!

Kate CP - posted on 11/10/2010

Kristy, your post made no sense at all. Her husband isn't beating her (that we know of) but that doesn't mean he isn't being abusive. To wait until it becomes physical would be irresponsible and foolish. If he won't seek counseling or work with her to resolve issues I don't think waiting until he hits her because "it could be so much worse" is best for the children.

Kristy - posted on 11/10/2010

Tyonna, I apologize, maybe I was reading too much into the bottle thing. I do want to say this though and that is if that is the only thing your husband is bad about and you can't get on the same page with, please don't throw in the towel yet.Alot of men have a hard time deaing with babies/kids.Sometimes they didnt get alot of daddy's attention growing up so they don't know how to deal with the daddy role in all its aspects. If he works, pays bills, treat you well otherwise then give it some time. I know things are so hectic with babies,kids, school, work, housework, mama duties, etc.It seems like you have no time for you or to get the jobs done you have to do.I will tell yo this...I had one in diapers still and a newborn when I went back to school and I worked.I completely understand part of that bcuz my husband wouldnt even change a dirty diaper.I would come home, have to clean up the babies the house all within the hour I had to left to get to my night classes and he would be sitting there asking what I was gonna do for dinner before I would leave.It was rough and to make it worse, he was also beating me.If I studied to long and didnt pay him any attention,if I spent too much time playing with the babies, if I didn't have sex when he wanted it. So it could be so much worse. Men have a brain that does not work like we would like it to. But if you have support from him in so many other ways, please give it a chance. If you don't have support from him in any other shape or form, maybe a divorce is the answer. Just something to think about.Thanks.

Frances - posted on 11/10/2010

Go on a mini vaca and leave the baby with him .... he'll learn quik to be supportive

Kimberly - posted on 11/10/2010

I asked how many ounces she is eating during the day because I know that with my daughter (same age) when I increased what she was eating during the day it helped her to sleep better at night. She eats four 7oz bottles a day and sleeps through the night. Your daughter may not be ready to sleep through the night yet but increasing her intake may help reduce the number of times she wakes. I also changed her to a faster flow nipple. None of my suggestions will help if your husband does not put enough powder into the water! Not putting enough powder into her bottles is very dangerous and is probably the reason she is always hungry. The poor baby is not getting enough nourishment because the water/formula ratio is wrong. Explain to your husband the risk he is putting her at and if he still doesn't listen I would suggest finding alternate care for her. He can find other ways to save money this is one thing that you should not scrimp on. You could also bring him into the doctor's with you and have your doctor explain to him the dangers of what he is doing. It may help to hear it from an outside source. Nothing is worth compromising your babys life.

Susan - posted on 11/10/2010

I am not expert on getting your husband to help.
I would put a little bit of rice cereal in her bottle just before bed. You have to open up the nipple a bit with a needle to let the thicker liquid through. That should tank her up before bed.
As for sleeping with the bottle instead of a pacifier, try a new routine of cleaning her gums/teeth before bed and then pop the paci in her mouth for her to fall asleep.
She is still going to cry when she wakes up to find it has fallen out (keep extras on your nitestand) but the routine of making a bottle to feed her will be eliminated and you will go in, pop the paci in her mouth and go back to bed.
With the additional calories at night, she is not going to wake because she is hungry and you might actually get a straight 6 hours of sleep!!!! which then becomes 7.....So do her last feed just before you go to sleep.

Carla - posted on 11/10/2010

Try feeding her baby cereal, give her a bath and then right before bed give her a bottle. 2) Some just do no want a pacifier,Give her a favorite stuffed toy or blanket that she can use to help her soothe herself in the middle of the night. 3) Use reverse psychology on your husband. Don't nag, but make him a plea bargin with you. Such as, "Honey, I will cook you your favorite breakfast (or whatever) if you will get up with the baby twice each night this week." Or whatever you can bribe him with. Don't be generic by saying "I need your help" Guy's need to know exactly what you need. You need to spell it out for them. That is how their minds work. Be specific. (learned this from a counselor). Hope some of this helps. Hang in there...it will get easier!

Colleen - posted on 11/09/2010

Ouch..she's asking for help, not more abuse!

Colleen - posted on 11/09/2010

Yikes! I really have to say first of all, Dad should not be trying to save on formula at this point. She needs those calories, he should not be diluting the mixture, no wonder she is hungry at night. I haven't had time to read all the posts, so forgive me if I am repeating anything. I know formula can get very expensive, but maybe try switching to a cheaper store brand, they are just as good as the more expensive brands...and you don't need anything with omega 3/6 or whatever (unless she was born pre-mature) just a regular store brand at the proper mixture. My daughter drank about 26 oz of formula through out the day/evening at that age, and once she was put to bed, she generally slept through the night, but when she didn't get enough during the day she definitely would be up for an extra bottle at night. So if she actually hungry at night, she needs more calories through out the day. If it's just a habit thing, and she's not actually hungry...that is a whole other situation. She may be having a bit of separation anxiety, which please understand is not your fault! A lot of babies go through it at that age, and it's just a phase and they will get through it with lots of love and patience. I don't really believe in letting babies "cry it out" but I know it has worked for other people. I would stop putting her to bed with a bottle immediately...it's just so bad for her developing teeth. I agree with the other suggestions of putting soothers in her bed so she can find them, I actually use a glow in the dark one for my daughter so she can find it on her own at night. If you can commit to one long tiring week of just giving her a soother when she gets up every hour at night I really think she will finally take it. I really don't know what to tell you about getting Dad to help at night, I do most of the work with my kids, but I'm a stay at home mom, and that works for us...doesn't work for most families! But back to my original thought...I would really work on getting him to feed her more formula during the day if you can!

Good luck!

Stifler's - posted on 11/09/2010

I think the stress isn't about the sleeping at night, just more about the partner not helping. I got really annoyed because mine was scared to feed the baby and let me do everything until I got fed up with it and made him do some and things with Logan are still the same the work is just shared more so it's less stressful.

Heather - posted on 11/09/2010

Honestly I would give up at this age and give the bottle. I promise by 1 it is simple to replace the milk with water and allow the drinking habit if they please and they will self ween soon after...I am a mom of 5 and I breastfed all of mine as often as wanted through the night. 5 months was never a thought to not feed at night. My youngest weened to a bottle then to water in bed. He is developmentally fine and thriving. Honestly there is so much stress being a new mom bottles at 5 months shouldn't be...

Kristy - posted on 11/09/2010

My bad.I got an email saying you responded to my post.