Frustrated husband doesnt cook and is direspectful

Cecilia - posted on 09/19/2010 ( 37 moms have responded )

297

20

19

Ok I work from home and I have a 2 and half year old, my husband hasn't worked for over 2 years, and all I said today was why don't you make dinner this time, he said now your complaining if you don't wanna cook i'll eat something else then he told me to shut up right now twice. I didn't say anything I dont wanna argue anymore in front our son. I walked away just started cooking dinner because someone has to my son has to eat. I just don't get it why he thinks that cooking is only a womans job any suggestions on how to get him helping me out a little more?



He does do some things but I think he should be cooking dinner for me once in a while or at least offer to. I get tired of working and cooking at the same time it's hard work and he just watches tv on the computer like all day does nothing hardly.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

37 Comments

View replies by

Samantha - posted on 09/25/2010

11

15

0

honey it is suppose to be 50-50...me and my husband both work and we have a 9 month old girl...we take turns cookin...but i do all the cleanin only cause he sucks at it lol...but it really is suppose to be 50-50...you really need to sit down and talk to him about it thats not right

Jenn - posted on 09/25/2010

2,683

36

93

Why is he not working? I'm sorry, but there is no reason why you can't find a job in 2 years! I don't care if you have to work as a greeter at WalMart - a small pay cheque is better than no pay cheque!! You said he does some things - like what? What is he doing to contribute to the household? Was he always abusive with you from the start, or has this been something new? I think you need to have a talk with him to find a mutually agreeable solution to this obvious problem. Like if he doesn't want to do anything around the house then he needs to be contributing financially. If he doesn't want to work than he needs to help around the house in a big way!

Sarah - posted on 09/24/2010

9

15

1

When my husband did not have a job for a while he was the one who did the stuff around the house and now that we both work from home we take turns doing things. He has said some nasty remarks to me in the past and I straight out told him you will not talk to me like that and if it continues you can get a lawyer. I don't put up with disrespect from anyone any more. I used to and I was so unhappy. Once you learn that you are WORTH a respectfull and healpfull husband you will not put up with it any more and you should not have to. It's not about divorse because I believe people can change but it is about RESPECT and no one should have to put up with another putting them down. YOU ARE WORTH MORE!

Becca - posted on 09/24/2010

4

10

0

Sounds like he needs some counceling,if he doesn't want to cook then ask him to do something else if he won't help than I would find someone else whom would help out

Shelby - posted on 09/24/2010

7

0

0

sounds like your looking after 2 babies!! I would definitely only cook for you and bubs and tell him he needs to get his shit together and help out! you dont have a magic wand to work, make dinner and look after bubs so he needs to help and stop being so bloody lazy and rude.!

Rose - posted on 09/23/2010

69

10

1

I had the similar issues with my husband. He is a great person, but he was raised as a momma's boy and his mother did everything for him. So he expected me to do everything and I used to fight and yell and then realized that wasn;t working. So one day when we were just hanging out and having a good day I told him that it's hard for me to do everything alone. I told him I enjoy when we do things together and it would make it easier for me if we did things together. And I left it at that. The next time I went to cook, I turned on the radio and I asked him to quickly wash the salad, set the table (basically whatever was easy) and we had a lot of fun. Eventually that lead to him cutting the onions, chopping meat, etc.
I encouraged him and even told him that he could use the knife better than me and after 9 years of marriage, he will now cook entire meals for us! I would have never believed it when we first got married. He now thinks he is a professional chef LOL So It is possible, just be patient and don't insult him just continue to talk to him in a nice way, ask him to help and eventually he'll get it :) Another thing that saved us was that we asked our favorite restaurants if we can order and pick up food and most said yes so on those days when neither of us want to cook we just order food that isn't fast food.

Caragh - posted on 09/23/2010

12

22

0

You need to have a serious talk with your hubby. I agree with a previous poster who said that you should only cook enuff for yourself and your son, and your husband will soon gt up and make himself some food, he wont starve to death on the couch!! I know all relationships have their bad days, so I'm not gonna tell ya to cut the guy loose. I had a similar issue with my hubby a few years ago, he worked nights and I worked days. Our kids were at school, so he didnt have to anything but a bit of housework during the day. I would get home from work at 5-6ish and he would say "Whats for dinner?" before I'd closed the front door behind me!! And I would say "You mean its not ready and waiting for me!!" .... we have a roster now, he has 2 nights a week, I have 3 nights a week, our 11 & 13 year olds cook 1 night a week and we get take aways 1 day a week. So now theres no arguements!! And my Hubby has discovered he actually LOVES to cook (and sometimes cooks on my nights and lets me have a bath instead!!) ... so there is always light at the end of the tunnel, if my hubby can change his ways, anyone can!!

Nichole - posted on 09/23/2010

2

5

0

You need to pray for him to get a job and dont nag him about cooking, you'll frustrate him more. not because he doesn't work means he have to cook. start complementing him on the little that he does and ask GOD to make your load easier. Sometimes its our approach to men why we fail with them.

Alison - posted on 09/23/2010

2,753

20

466

Sounds like he is in a super rut. He has fallen into the cycle of unemployment. He has lost his drive, his self confidence, his purpose. Because of that, he hates himself. Because he hates himself, he mistreats you. This is not about cooking dinner!

I'm with you on the wedding vows thing. You've got to give this a serious effort. But if there is no change in the dynamic, I am pretty sure you will get totally fed up. I can recommend the book "Boundaries in Marriage". The truth is, we do teach people how they can treat us and you are contributing to your marriage dynamic. Because you are a contributor, you also have the power to turn things around.

Try having a heart to heart, non-judgmental talk with your hubby (or send a guy-friend in if there are any winners to pick from), to find out what is really going on and what he really wants for your family and your marriage. Maybe you can agree on a schedule where you can share the meal prep. Then when he doesn't come through, you can pick up your son and head to McDonald's. He really needs to grow up and probably he really does want to be a man, but doesn't really know how.

Megan - posted on 09/23/2010

2

38

0

I am not siding with your husband at all I think its very disrespectful of him to take advantage of you like that BUT hear me out...maybe he is soooo frustrated b/c he feels he isnt doing his job as a man by working and providing for you and yalls lil one. He is taking that frustration out on you like any typical man. hand him a newspaper and tell him to look for a job and and if he cant find one tell him you know how hard it is but your his wife and when you provide financially he neeeds to help you out. You wear the pants and thats intimidating to him ;) hope this helps!!!

Jaime - posted on 09/23/2010

27

81

3

well mayb try and ask him if you guys can sit down without arguing and express to him that you would like for him to consider your feelings and not argue in front of your son because it offends you and its not good for him to have your son seeing this. also let him know that you are allowed to express yourself without being told to shut up. he is not your father he is your other half

Tina - posted on 09/23/2010

1,314

28

301

If he hasn't been working maybe he's just feeling down because he's not providing the way he think a man should and maybe suggesting that he cooks just makes him feel lower. That's just the way some men are old fashioned. I don't know. He does need to help out. Just try not to come across as angry or pushy when asking him to cook or do other chores. Just ask nicely if he wouldn't mind helping out a little bit with tea. Explain to him that you are tired and you just want a little bit of help. If he doesn't want to there's not much you can do. Just persist and be honest let him know you don't like to argue in front of your son. If nothing changes and you're not happy you need to let him know and if he doesn't care enough to change then you know where you stand.

Tah - posted on 09/23/2010

7,412

22

358

if he isn't working he needs to be doing everythig a woman does when she doesn't..and he shouldnt be telling you to shut up, so i guess next time you'll measure out enough for you and the baby and he can make the something else...

Crystal - posted on 09/23/2010

4

49

0

Weather you work from home or not is he's not working he should help you out around the house.There's no excuse for him to tell you to shut up.I think you should do like the others have said and cook only for you and your son.Stop doing everything for him.When he says something (because he will) then sit down and talk to him bout it.

Jenni - posted on 09/21/2010

5,928

34

373

My husband works and cooks dinner! (I really can't cook nor do i have any interest in it). He likes to cook so it works out for both of us. I take care of all the other duties. He hates cleaning and I, actually like it. So I take care of that. I take care of the kids 85% of the time. On his days off however, he helps out. I worked after my son was a year so we both shared responsibilites equally. I plan on going back to work when my daughter is a year. It's really a team effort all the way. I don't feel our relationship is one-sided, no one should have to feel that way.
It doesn't sound like your husband is very respectful. If he doesn't work you should teach him a lesson and go out and get a job and make him take care of the kids and cook you dinner. If he feels that cooking is woman's work then isn't going out and earning the bacon man's work? Tell him you'll be a woman and cook his dinner when he becomes a man and gets off his lazy arse and gets a job.

Krista - posted on 09/21/2010

4,111

52

264

So don't cook for him. Make something for you and make something for your son and leave him out of it. He'll get the point.

Marcy - posted on 09/21/2010

1,042

1

277

I think men in general need to be handled with kid gloves. My husband is 1 of 4 boys and his mom did everything for them. You know him best and you know what makes him tick....you just need to figure out how to get the clock moving again. If you work from home then you are home all day with your son and so is he right? Besides cooking does he do other things to help you around the house? my husband really doesn't cook either (except grilling) but he does clean up the dishes afterwards. If he is helping with other things around the house and taking care of your kiddo (you weren't very descriptive so I can't tell) then maybe he really does assume you are going to make dinner. For a marriage to be successful there needs to be love, respect and commitment on both ends. However, I am a firm believer that we are often times nicer to strangers than we are to our spouses and loved ones. Honestly, would you tell a complete stranger to shut up? The flip side is if I told my husband 'Why don't you make dinner this time?" he would probably have some kind of rude comment to throw back at me as well. I think its all about being nice to each other. my family is full of divorce and from what I have seen and heard everyone just stopped being nice to each other. That being said, sit down with your hubby, give him a hug and tell him you want a "Mulligan"(golf term for a do over). I would tell him your approached that evening the wrong way and that you are sorry in how you phrased your question to him because it came out as a statement vs. what it really should have been which is the opening to perhaps a dialog regarding
responsibilities. If he's not open to honestly talking then the issues are more serious that who's going to make the chicken and french fries....

Susan - posted on 09/21/2010

8

20

1

I too was married to a man who thought he did not have to lift a finger in the house. Was the laziest man i know, but he did work and so did I, I just think that household chores and cooking should be shared especially if you love each other, then you both get more time to actually have some fun and enjoy yourselfs. I have left that selfish pig of a man and am now with a wonderful person who does cook and clean and omg treats me like a princess. Have a good look and ask yourself do you want to live like that forever cecilia. xox

Sam - posted on 09/21/2010

29

6

1

Im sorry but he should be at the least helping you out at home, if he doesnt work then he must help out at home.
As for disrespecting you, that is not on at all, you need to tell him once and for all he isn't allowed to speak to you that way, and you won't accept it.
I totally agree with the others on here, about cooking for just you and your son, let him get his own, then maybe he might respect you when you do cook his.
I really wish you all the best xxx

Kellie - posted on 09/20/2010

50

12

7

I don't think that he thinks cooking is a womens job, since he hasn't been working and you are I am sure his ego is hurt, and he feels he may be letting you and your son down by not being the "bread winner". It is hard on them when they can't provide for there family, and since it has been a long time since he has worked he may be getting frustrated and angry with you because you are working still. But, that is in no way an excuse to be rude. May be if you tried to approach it a little differently and start out by saying you are a great man, husband and father, I know these last couple of years have been hard on you not being able to work but I don't think any less of you. I am only asking for a little help since it has been hard for me also. Maybe we could cook dinner together. Just an idea. Then give him lots of kisses and well........ you get the idea. *wink* You will be surprised.

Krista - posted on 09/20/2010

12,562

16

842

So he always gets you to make dinner and then tells you to shut up when you ask him to help? Charming. Does he actually do anything else around the house, or does he just sit there like a lump?

Either way, he's being a real jerk. And do you want your son to grow up thinking the way your husband does -- that cooking is woman's work and that it's acceptable to tell your wife to shut up?

I would talk to him calmly and tell him that it was very hurtful and disrespectful for him to treat you like that, and that you need him to help you sometimes with dinner. Then, maybe start small. Get him to peel some carrots for you, or make a salad. Or get him to grill some meat -- men usually like grilling.

Now, all of this advice is assuming that he is actually willing to bend a little, and that he takes your concern seriously. If he continues being a jerk about it and refuses to even acknowledge it, then you've got a bigger problem on your hands, and may need to consider counseling. But whatever you do, do not continue to put up with this foolishness -- your son is at the age where he's a little sponge, and it would be AWFUL for him to pick up your husband's crappy attitude.

Firebird - posted on 09/20/2010

2,660

30

521

Wow, any man ever tells me to shut up like that and I'll shut him up something fierce! But I'm mean like that. If he's not going to do anything to help around the house, or get a job to bring in some cash, then he should have no access to any money you make. He can just damn well earn his keep. Although honestly, I would have booted him out long ago if this has always been his attitude. I split from my girl's dad for less than this, and he was actually a great help around the house, but that's another story.

Louise - posted on 09/20/2010

5,429

69

2296

I agree with Amy go away for a weekend where he will be forced to cook and care for your son. This is the only way he will appreciate all that you do for him. Could your husband not work part time or something to give him some self respect as what I can tell from your post he is often in a grumpy snappy mood. Even if this is for McDonalds he will still have a reason to get off his but and provide for his family. Men behave strangely when they are not the bread winners in the family maybe the fact that you are working has grated with his male pride, and asking him to cook has just rubbed him up the wrong way. This is not your fault and he needs to pull his finger out and either get a job or help out around the house more than he is doing for you. If the boot was on the other foot would you not have his dinner waiting for him when he got home from work?

Tracy - posted on 09/20/2010

737

13

78

If he isn't bringing a paycheck in, then he needs to step up and do something to earn his keep around the house. Telling you to "shut up" and generally being a jerk isn't it. You need to sit him down and let him know that speech is not going to be tolerated and you need a partner. I realize he's probably depressed about being out of work, but taking it out on you will only damage your relationship. He needs to hear that you two are partners, and you have his back, but he has to hold up his end too. That means pulling his weight around the house (and yes, cooking can be part of it) and not being a disrespectful jerk to you, especially in front of the kid.

Good luck!

Jodi - posted on 09/20/2010

26,473

36

3891

Angie, I don't believe anyone suggested divorce as an initial course of action, no idea where you got that from. However, did anyone miss that he told her to shut up? That is NOT acceptable when she is asking for some help!! In fact, that isn't acceptable full stop. I think the suggestions were that he needs to have some respect or get out.

Angie - posted on 09/20/2010

2,621

0

406

How sad that one of the first posts suggested divorce. WOW, when did we get to that point in our society? If you have allowed your husband to treat you without respect for years, it's going to be hard to teach him to be respectful now - but it's not impossible. When you walked away, you "let him win". You might try telling him that you have been busy working and taking care of you child and house and that it would be helpful if he cooked dinner. Of course, you're going to get the same response. Go to the kitchen. Make dinner for yourself and your son. Clean up the kitchen and go on with your day. Continue to be tough and set your boundries. If he makes his own meals, don't clean up after him - hide your clean dishes and pots and pans if you have to. Let him care for himself for a few weeks. Don't do his laundry, don't share his bathroom, don't make his side of the bed - NOTHING. Hopefully, in time he will realize that it's difficult to clean up and be willing to help.

Sherri - posted on 09/20/2010

9,593

15

387

Good luck!! My husband doesn't cook either, unless cooking on the grill counts. Unless it is processed, out of a box or can go in the microwave he is useless in that department. So in 13 yrs cooking is always on my shoulders. Even when I busted up my ankle and was out of commission it was my 13yr old who stepped up to the plate and made dinner every night.

Jodi - posted on 09/20/2010

26,473

36

3891

Marriage vows don't say for lazy or hard working either. Honestly, it takes two to have a successful marriage. As Amy says, mutual love and respect - and this is abuse.

Cecilia - posted on 09/20/2010

297

20

19

Thats the thing I honestly think he doesn't want to work I'm at a loss....marriage vows are for rich or for poor so it;s confusing.

Sneaky - posted on 09/19/2010

1,170

33

130

I would kick him out. You do it all by yourself anyway, it would just be easier if you did not have him to look after too.

And I am not saying you have to destroy your marriage - he always has the option of deciding that he wants to be your partner, which means he'll either get a job or you can let him back for a trial basis so he can do the household duties full-time and see how it goes, you can also try couple counseling - it could really help you to have someone on your side.

As for doing the sneaky to get him back to work, if it works that's great . . . But in a healthy marriage you wouldn't have to trick him to go back to work, he should want to work to help support you and your baby.

Nikkole - posted on 09/19/2010

393

18

11

wow sounds like a lazy ass to me! One he should be working, you work from home so you dont have to find a babysitter or any thing. Two i wouldnt have made him dinner i would of cook for me and my daughter. I dont think lying is a good idea to make him go get a job. i wouldnt do any thing for him any more, and then maybe he will help out

Iridescent - posted on 09/19/2010

4,519

272

1080

You know, it wouldn't even be that bad if it was a typical 1950s household. But the fact is that you are working, he is not. You are in the "male" role, he is in a "child" role in this description. And you're also expected to be in the "female" role. So he's useless.

Jodi - posted on 09/19/2010

26,473

36

3891

I was thinking the EXACT same thing as the other two ladies. If he can't at least be respectful of you and help out around the house, let him look after himself. I wouldn't dish up for him at all. Sorry, but it's not like he is working, he could lift a finger to help you out.

Do you know, my ex told me once that cooking was a woman's job. At the time, I was working full time, I was actually bringing in 50% more of the household income than he was, I would get home 1 1/2 hours after he did at night, I would pick our son up from daycare and do all of the running around for him, and I walked in the door and I was told *I* should be in the kitchen getting his dinner ready. Visualise the response. Needless to say the next day his bags were packed and I never looked back. Yes, there were other problems, but it was that attitude that was the brunt of most of those problems. That comment was the last straw.

So I guess, I am a bit biased in giving you any advice :)

Amber - posted on 09/19/2010

333

21

56

I stay at home with my 2 yr old son m hubby works. I cook 99% of the meals, yea on occasion my hubby cooks us all breakfast on his days off, which is nice, Im not so great at it he is:) He does stay at home and u work he should cook and have dinner. thats just my opinion. I feel that my husband works all day for us. I can cook the meals, he is tires his feet hurt after working all day , I remember what that was like b/c i worked up until our son was born and then quit:)

Just cook for u and ur child , hell eventually get the hint
Amber

Iridescent - posted on 09/19/2010

4,519

272

1080

Sounds like a winner. Make enough for just your son, or yourself and your son. Or leave your son with him for a weekend. As far as being disrespectful, that's learned from day 1. He's not going to change unless he has a darn good reason to change. You married him as he is, so if you don't like it, either deal with it or end it.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms