getting custody back of kids taken by dss for marijana use

Kristi - posted on 04/01/2013

Nikki--

I'm sorry if my comment seemed harsh. I know I asked "why," a few times but I was being rhetorical. I never meant for you to feel like you had/needed to explain your comment.

However, I appreciate your clarification because now I understand where you're coming from by sharing your story.

As I said, you're definitely not alone in your beliefs about alcohol abuse and the victims that lay in it's wake.

You are very well spoken and obviously have a wonderful heart. Again, I apologize if I came across too strong.

Nikki - posted on 03/30/2013

Kristi-

I didn't intend to "add" anything to her plate, but in hindsight, I can see how that story could make her feel worse if her children were placed in a foster home and not in the home of a relative, as is usually what is done whenever possible when children are removed from their homes. I agree, though, that it was not a great idea to add that. Or, I should at least have countered by mentioning the dozens of friends of mine who spent time in loving, healthy foster homes. I guess I was just angry that the DSS would take her kids away, and used that particular story as an example of how well-meaning people can make bad situations worse - not to make her fear for her children's safety. But I suppose I am no better than those well-meaning people I speak of, because I inadvertently did the same thing myself. I suppose that's why they warn you to watch who you point your finger towards lest that same finger get pointed right back at you..

Also, I do not want to discourage her or downplay any of the positive changes she has made in her life. I just wanted her to be clear that not everyone out here sees her as a criminal or bad person. I do not know her situation apart from what she has mentioned in her post, so I do not know the circumstances that brought forth the involvement of child services. All I know is that children should only be taken away from their parents if they are truly in danger, and it infuriates me that they would consider her children being in danger simply because she smoked pot. That is why I threw in the alcoholic bit. There are SO many children who, right now, are terrified in their homes, prisoners of an alcoholic household, yet few of those children will ever experience DSS marching through their doors and taking them away to safety. And those kids actually need it..

The last paragraph came from tying together the cold realities of the first two and showing that the darkness they represent is not the final destination. It is merely an obstacle on the path to happier, better days.

Kelly, I apologize if I added stress to your life, as that was not my intention. Best of luck with everything you are dealing with. I will be praying for you and your children to be reunited soon, and really hope this upsetting chapter of your life comes to a close so you can turn the page and keep growing..

Kristi - posted on 03/29/2013

Nikki--

I'm terribly sorry for what your friend's family is having to endure. It is reprehensible and I agree that most sex offenders/predators do not get the punishment they deserve. But was it really necessary to add that to Kelly's plate?

From what she has told us, things are going well. She is doing everything they are requiring and slowly but surely seeing the positive results. I'm sure she has heard all the horror stories, as we all have, about foster care. Why would you throw that story in here now?

Your last paragraphing is so uplifting and inspiring. Why couldn't you just leave it at that? There are more than one of us who agree with you about the alcohol thing, too. But we left it alone because Kelly doesn't need the negativity. She doesn't need us stirring up emotions of how unfair the system is. She needs our support. She needs everything you said at the close of your comment. That was beautiful.

Nikki - posted on 03/29/2013

Unfortunately, as well-meaning as the courts and social workers may be, the effects of their do-good actions often have undesirable outcomes.
My good friend's daughter was sexually molested by the father in the foster home in which she was placed after my friend lost custody of her daughter as a result of her mom's house getting raided because of her brother's involvement with drug dealing, which nobody even had a clue he was doing. Not even touching on the chaos that this situation caused for the rest of the family or the community in which they live, my friend has spent the last five years in intensive therapy with her daughter trying to heal from all that happened as a result of something she had nothing to do with. It took her almost a year to get her daughter back, and another two years and an attempted suicide to find out what happened to her over the course of the year she was away. She is permanently scarred for life, and I don't even want to tell you what happened when allegations were brought forth against the perpetrator. Hell doesn't even come close to describing what she has gone, and continues to go, through... I just wish criminals who molest our children, regardless of their role in the community, would get the sentences they deserve. Being a community leader should not place you above justice.

I personally feel our children are in greater danger living in the homes of alcoholics, but unfortunately, society seems to look the other way when it comes to alcohol addiction. When it comes to pot, however, you have an army of people waiting to lynch you for doing something they feel is dangerous, bad or wrong. You get held in the court of public opinion to a standard that most of them could never live up to. As they cheer on the arresting of our brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers throughout the community, believing they are now safer and more secure without these criminal addicts on the streets, these judges look the other way as their buddies leave the bar drunk and drive themselves home after happy hour. They look the other way when one of their friends has an addiction to pain killers they are legally prescribed. They look the other way when they look at their own reflection.

You are not a bad person, nor are you defined by past sins committed; rather, you are a product of your commitment to change. You are bigger than the labels the true criminals of our communities, operating through opinions, uniforms and courthouses, have placed on you. And through it all, your children will see your love and know that you mean it. This, too, shall pass, and until it does, just keep in mind that the darkest part of the night is right before the sun has it's breakthrough. You have to get through the darkness to reach the light.. Keep your head up kind lady!

Kristi - posted on 03/29/2013

You are doing such a great job! You should be so proud of yourself.

I am very inclined to agree with Shawnn. But that is a whole nother topic for debate.

Keep us posted and I wish you much continued success!

Shawnn - posted on 03/28/2013

Kelly, you're doing fine.

The process is long, but worth it.

I will say that I disagree with the courts thinking that cannabis use is means to remove children, when alcohol use isn't! Keep up the good work my dear. You have valuable life experience that your children will benefit from.

Holly - posted on 03/28/2013

Kelly i am so glad to hear that things are working out for you. I am glad that you are working to try to be a better mother to your children. It is funny the way people take for granted the time they have with their children. I think you are going to appreciate the time you have with your children more than most of the parents here because of the struggle you went through to get them back.

Kelly - posted on 03/28/2013

they have increased our unsupervised visits. the next step is overnight/weekends, which if everything goes well, will be in about 3 weeks. then about a month after that, we will get trial home visit. i am so thankful. and even though i miss my kids and hate that they are gone, im glad for the opportunity to view my life differently. i know i will be a better mom now.

Kristi - posted on 03/06/2013

Part of the reason it takes so long is because you have to prove it has been a life style change and not just a phase to get your kids back. As Dove said, you can't continue to beat yourself up for your past. You have to give yourself credit for all the hard work you have done, for following all the rules and for not giving up. You have slowly but surely been earning your rights backs, not losing them further. It is good to remember what got you where you are just to discourage you if temptation or if urges present themselves again. Your kids are a great motivation to resist them also.

I didn't lose my daughter and drugs weren't my problem, but I did make some poor choices and set a bad example for my daughter. I am a cutter an I still have strong desires to do that sometimes but I promised my daughter I would never do it again, so that is what discourages me. Fortunately, she and I have been close and she has learned from mistakes. She has set goals and is on track so she doesn't end up in my position.

You have real life experiences that your kids can learn from. They are more apt to believe you because you've been there. You can kind of look at that as your little silver lining. When they get older, don't be afraid to be honest with them. Congratulations on your recovery. Keep up the good work!

Dove - posted on 03/05/2013

You also asked for support from people going through the same thing.... Maybe no one else on here IS going through the same thing.... just a thought. ;)

I'm glad you can see them unsupervised now. That probably takes a tad of the stress off.

Kelly - posted on 03/05/2013

cant help but notice that no one has posted since i've asked for no negative comments. anyway, we were awarded unsupervised visits today. im very excited. still looking for some support for our situation. its really hard to be away from the kids. i am thankful to see them everyday, and grateful that things are moving forward

Kelly - posted on 02/07/2013

they took him at the hospital. i know what i have is done wrong and im being punished, and i am working my ass off to prove that i am worthy of my children. i am in the process of getting my kids back. i didnt write this post for people to judge me, the court is already doing that. i wrote looking for support from mothers who have had the children taken away, are getting them back, and know how hard and painful it is. i dont think you fit into that category. so please dont comment unless you have something supportive to say.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/07/2013

Oh, and unless your baby was literally just a month born, the pot would be out of his/her system....so either you were smoking it around her, or you were smoking dope and breastfeeding.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/07/2013

Well, chances are all you have learned is that you get in trouble with the law when you get caught. I HIGHLY doubt you didn't know not to smoke pot while you were pregnant. That kind of irresponsibility to me means they are where they need to be until you prove that you are a worthy parent. You have to work your ass off for that. Good luck...I think.

Kelly - posted on 02/07/2013

i smoked while i was pregnant little miss, and no im not smoking anymore. all three of my kids are healthy and smart, but i have learned my lesson

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/06/2013

I don't understand how your children tested positive??? Are you still smoking pot?? It kills me to think about how often you were smoking pot in the house around your kids in order for them to test positive. Appreciate that you are seeing them at all...and I am a huge supporter for legalizing pot....but situations like this are why it isn't.

Dove - posted on 02/06/2013

I can imagine it is very difficult to not be able to be with your kids. You DO get to see them daily though, so try and take comfort in that and KNOW that you are on the right track. Are you in counseling? A bit of guilt is a good thing cuz it can help keep you going forward away from the drug life, but beating yourself up over mistakes in the past is very counterproductive. Don't keep blaming yourself and looking at how far you have to go to get them back, but focus on how far you've come and KNOW that you are doing this FOR your kids.

That family I mentioned... the parents are now finally 'trying' to steer towards the right path for their new baby (no clue what the latest update on them is though), but they couldn't be bothered to even try and get clean and fight for their first born. YOU are fighting for your kids and you WILL come out of this!! ♥

Holly - posted on 02/06/2013

one way to look at it is, you've hit rock bottom, the only way to go now is up. each day you go you get closer (maybe not a whole lot closer, but still closer) to having your children with you permanently. having to go through this is hard. and one day you will be all the more wise from it. you can use your personal testamony to make sure your children know the dangers that await them if they start using drugs.

Kelly - posted on 02/06/2013

staying clean isnt the hard part. going through everyday knowing im not considered the best placement for my kids is hard. leaving after only an hour or so is hard. not being there when they are upset is hard. not tucking them in at night is hard. doing everything we are supposed to and it still moving so slowly is hard. i try to take it one day at a time, but thats hard too. i lost all my baby weight at the inpatient rehab we stayed at for a month, but since ive come home, ive gained a lot back. its really depressing being away from my kids, and knowing that it is my fault just makes it worse.

Holly - posted on 02/06/2013

Dove is completely right, the system is SCREWED up sometimes... I couldn't imagine them taking one kid away because of drugs, and allowing the other to stay in such a horrible environment, since it was so horrible for the first child.

Kelly - posted on 02/06/2013

now i just want to vent a little. some people came in with the exact same circumstances. we have been in drug court for 2 months longer than they have, but they now have a total of 12 hours and week and we only have 11. same judge, same social worker. we have had good reports and have done everything asked of us by the court. the only difference is they started with 4 hours a week with a parent aid, and we didnt get to see the parent aid until after a month. but we did get to see the kids everyday for at least an hour. i am very thankful that i havent had to go a day without seeing my kids. and i am happy for the other couple, but jealous that they have more time than us and that their case seems to be going faster. when my first son tested positive for pot, (in a different county) they came to the house and said, at least its not meth, and closed the case. i never in a million years thought that they would take all three of my kids when the baby tested positive. i have learned my lesson. it is a long, slow process. the next step will be unsupervised visits, but i am worried that they wont begin for another month, since we just got our hours with the parent aid combined to 4 hours. its frustrating to be doing everything they want and still not have the kids home. especially when they know we are clean by the random urine screens.

Dove - posted on 02/06/2013

If you get and stay clean it shouldn't be 'too' hard to get your kids back. IF you are doing everything you were court ordered to do....

I know a little boy who is a year old. He's been in foster care since he was 2 days old... He has a brand new baby brother who is STILL living with the biological parents even though the whole family tested positive for drugs (hard drugs too) at the birth.... The system is really warped sometimes.

Kelly - posted on 02/06/2013

of course not! i wouldnt get my kids back if i did. im in drug court and have random urine tests. all i want is my kids back home, and i never want to lose them again. my kids are much more important than pot. and when they do come home, i dont want them to have to worry about being taken into custody again. im over the pot, but i could never get over losing my kids for good. i cant even begin to forgive myself for what ive done, until they come home, and then it will still take some time. i hope i will be able to use this as an example when my kids are older and might want to experiment with drugs.

Holly - posted on 02/06/2013

i am sorry if i sounded judgmental... i tend to be a bit blunt, and i am glad to hear that you are getting your kids back, I was just making a statement that it is hard to do... I was merely stating facts... I hope that this is a lesson to you... no more blazing joints when you have kids.... ESP if you have people around you that are likely to get cops involved.

Liz - posted on 02/06/2013

I didn't hear judgment in Holly's post, just bluntness. She's right, it can often be hard to get your kids back if you're busted for drugs.

If you're managing to buck the trend and are in the process of getting custody again, then good for you. Staying 100% clean and keeping the house free of all traces, including not having anyone on the premises who is a user themselves, will help, as will taking any parenting classes that are on offer. If you can demonstrate to the authorities that you're now capable of putting your kids before a high and that this is not a phase but a significant change in attitude and lifestyle, then you have a better chance.

Good luck.

Kelly - posted on 02/06/2013

i am getting my kids back, i was just looking for some support of other moms who have been or are going through the same thing. and it is hard to go through, but you sound a little more jugemental than supportive, holly

Holly - posted on 02/06/2013

its hard when you get busted for drug use to get your kids back.