Getting dad involved..

Tonette - posted on 02/18/2009

If he comes home from work, and lays down or just sits in front of the t.v. on the couch lay the baby next tom him, and let them bond. I used to take my twins sons and put them in their swings next to him, and they would all nod off giving me at least 1 hour of quite time

Denise - posted on 02/17/2009

My husband was like that at first. It took him a little while to warm up to the whole baby idea he really didn't like the whole sleep,eat,poo,sleep.. etc .. concept. So I started small, got him to feed the baby, or I fed and he burped, made bath time a family event, things like that, now our son is 15 months and everything is totally second nature to my husband and has been since he was about 8 or 9 months. Just talk to him about how your feeling but don't start an argument because the more you try to force it the farther away they get from helping, I did that and we went backwards before we got forwards.

CHRISTINA - posted on 02/17/2009

My husband loves to spend time with my daughters and also help me with them. I believe he is afraid of loosing them, or not being able to hold them anytime he wants. He grew up without a father, so his main goal is to give the best tha the can with them. Also the biggest fear that he has is for my daughters to grow up with another man besides him, he doesn't want them calling another guy dad, so he tries to help to avoid problems. It is very hard to take care of a baby and as a mother you also get very stressed out with everything that you have to do as a mother and wife, and this is one of the issues that couples end up in divorce, not understanding or helping one another. I believe tha you should talk to your husband and express yourself to him.

Lori - posted on 02/17/2009

I don't know if there is a way. I struggle with the same thing. I have been putting up with it for over two years now. I have a two year old son and a five month old son. My husband seem to think since he works all day that he should get to come home and relax totally forgetting that I have been taking care of kids all day and trying to clean the house and everything else.............you know. Sorry wish I could help!

Lynetta - posted on 02/17/2009

I'd say take some time to get a manicure/pedicure around the time that he gets home. Make sure she is fed and dry, but awake. Leave him with her for a couple of hours. Also, with you being a new mother, try to be sure that you're not alienating him from the bonding process. It's really easy to know what to do for her and leave him out of that process.

Idania - posted on 02/17/2009

You need to have a heart to heart talk.  It's not easy to do, but just as much as he is looking forward to leaving work and leaving that behind, you are looking forward to some help (because naturally you can't leave your work behind).  From experience I can say that being at home with kids IS A LOT more work than actually having a secular job.  I don't know what your husband's personality is like and how he would react, but he does need to get involved.  Try telling him that it's important for him to help out and undestand that it's a way of bonding with the child.  Not to see it as tasks but bonding time.  Your baby is old enough to recognize faces and smile in RETURN to things daddy does.  The more he helps out the more time there will be for the two of you to spend together.  After all this is his child too.  You are not a single parent.  Good luck hun.

Kenge - posted on 02/17/2009

It really depends on Dad's personality. I let my husband unwind a little, and after he eats I pretty much leave him with the baby. I let him know there's milk for baby in the fridge, and go do my own thing. That's my aggressive way of letting him know he needs to spend time, other times I give him a choice between helping with house chores, or spending time with the baby. Like I can do the dishes and you can bathe the baby.

Kenge - posted on 02/17/2009

It really depends on Dad's personality. I let my husband unwind a little, and after he eats I pretty much leave him with the baby. I let him know there's milk for baby in the fridge, and go do my own thing. That's my aggressive way of letting him know he needs to spend time, other times I give him a choice between helping with house chores, or spending time with the baby. Like I can do the dishes and you can bathe the baby.

Johnna - posted on 02/17/2009

getting dad involved is always going to be an up hill fight still trying to firgure that one out and my son is 8 and 1/2

Jessica - posted on 02/17/2009

if you are anything like me, you probably feel guilty about asking for help from your partner. but sometimes you really do need to give him a cue to help. if you don't start doing it now it will continue to get worse, and then you will start to resent him.
ask him to do little things that you know he'd normally do if the baby wasn't there, like putting the clothes on the wash, hanging them out, folding them, putting them away, doing the dishes, cooking (even if its just eggs or toast or beans)..... the trick is don't make him do it all the second he walks in the door, and don't expect him to do more than one or two things! men have a tendancy to do the bare minimum if they can get away with it.
finally, if he offers to do anything, accept the offer straight away, don't say "no i can do it" (especially if you really can't) because he's not likely to offer again!
hope i've been a little bit of a help. i AM speaking from experience. but of course it is easier to preach than to do these things for yourself.... it has taken me 3 babies to finally work out that i have to stop "being in control of everything" and let hubby help when he offers.

Sarah - posted on 02/17/2009

Some men are like this, try not to let it get you down, just focus on your beautiful baby :-)

Cassandra - posted on 02/17/2009

Quoting Sarah:

Hi Cassandra,

Maybe try to encourage time as a family. Don't push chores on him like requesting nappy changes etc, although I am in the same situation and it is nice to receive some time off ourselves in our daily duties I always keep in mind my hubby is working for us. I make sure everything is clean and dinner is made so we can all relax and spend time together.

I know I have it very lucky with my husband, he likes to help out with nappies and bathing and playing with the kids. Is it because your husband has a very tiring job?

 

Goodluck with it all ;-)

nope no tiring job..

he works at the olive garden [and usually has only a 4 hour shift]

Sarah - posted on 02/17/2009

Hi Cassandra,

Maybe try to encourage time as a family. Don't push chores on him like requesting nappy changes etc, although I am in the same situation and it is nice to receive some time off ourselves in our daily duties I always keep in mind my hubby is working for us. I make sure everything is clean and dinner is made so we can all relax and spend time together.

I know I have it very lucky with my husband, he likes to help out with nappies and bathing and playing with the kids. Is it because your husband has a very tiring job?

Goodluck with it all ;-)

Nadia - posted on 02/17/2009

Ya that's a hard one. It took for baby #2 to be born (and mine are 14 mos apart) for him to really start helping me out. I don't know what kicked in, but it wasn't my foot.

I know it can be hard, but try to sit down with him and talk it out. Or maybe he'll read an e-mail from you more easily?

But trust me, you need to get some help. It is too hard to be doing this on your own - especially if you're like me and do all the cleaning and cooking and laundry (etc.) too.

I am thankful that something did finally get sorted out in his mind, even if it took a realllly long time.

Ashley - posted on 02/17/2009

i don't really know what to say except that i'm right there with you. my fiance didn't change a diaper until our son was over 2 months old. if you find something that works please let me know

Stephanie - posted on 02/17/2009

Try leaving your daughter with your husband and u leaving the house! Go get your hair done, your nails or just go for a walk alone! Do some mommy time and your husband will have no choice but to take care of his daughter! Some fathers have a hard time taking care of newborns when the mother is around! They feel they are being watched and judged and aren't doing things right. Do u think the reason he does not help is becuase he feels like he does not know what he is doing? U also need to make him help and dont give him a choice! He helped make that baby and he needs to help take care of things! Some people feel that stay at home moms do nothing but sit and watch soap operas all day, which u and I both know that that is not the case! I am a stay at home mom and my husband some times comes home from work and gets right on the computer and expects me to have dinner ready! It drives me crazy and I tell him after a couple times that I do not just sit on my butt all day and that he needs to help out(we have a 15 month old)! Try telling him how u feel. If talking to him does not help, seriously take the afternoon and go out and leave him with the baby! He will soon realize how hard your job is(unless your daughter is like mine and is a perfect angel for her daddy) and he will pitch in and help out! Also when my husband comes home from work he knows that I am off duty for an hour or so and he is responsible for our daughter! Make him help, you and your daughter will be better in the end if u do! Good luck and hope this helps! Let me know how u make out!

Faith - posted on 02/17/2009

Maybe after letting him wind down for a few minutes ask him to get a bottle ready for you and when he brings it to you suggest showing him how to feed your daughter, i.e. how she likes to be held while eating/burping.  I use to say "Hey can you feed her while I make YOU dinner or do the dishes." Or just come out and ask him to play with you and your daughter.

Kirstie - posted on 02/17/2009

I think I was lucky because he helped out from the start.....However have you talked with him about it. Maybe he has some fears of doing something wrong. He's also trying to adjust to having a baby at home plus going to work. He could be having a lot of stress at work and not thinking that you've been have just as much stress being alone at home with the baby. The best thing I think is to communicate how your feeling and figure out together what works out for both of you. I hope that helped.

Cassandra - posted on 02/17/2009

Quoting Leah:

That is a tough one, as you can't make someone do something that they do not want to do.  However it takes two of us to make babies and it should take two of us to raise that child once he/she is born.  I would suggest talking to him and finding out why he doesn't want to help.  Maybe he isn't used to being around babies and thinks that he can hurt them....whatever his issue(s) are, he needs to understand that it isn't just the woman's place to always take care of the child.  Start small no matter what you do, don't try to argue or start a fight.  It sucks to be the only one to be there for your child even though there are two of you in the relationship.  You could arrange to go out with friends one night, and tell him that you are going out and he has to take care of your little one.  It might sound cruel to do that to someone, but sometimes you just have to take life by the horns and hold on for dear life!  I wouldn't do that though if you don't feel comfortable with leaving him by himself with your child.  I hope this helps and wish you the best of luck!

Leah

that actually sounds like a good idea

I hope it'll work

Leah - posted on 02/17/2009

That is a tough one, as you can't make someone do something that they do not want to do.  However it takes two of us to make babies and it should take two of us to raise that child once he/she is born.  I would suggest talking to him and finding out why he doesn't want to help.  Maybe he isn't used to being around babies and thinks that he can hurt them....whatever his issue(s) are, he needs to understand that it isn't just the woman's place to always take care of the child.  Start small no matter what you do, don't try to argue or start a fight.  It sucks to be the only one to be there for your child even though there are two of you in the relationship.  You could arrange to go out with friends one night, and tell him that you are going out and he has to take care of your little one.  It might sound cruel to do that to someone, but sometimes you just have to take life by the horns and hold on for dear life!  I wouldn't do that though if you don't feel comfortable with leaving him by himself with your child.  I hope this helps and wish you the best of luck!

Leah

Cassandra - posted on 02/17/2009

Quoting Einas:

I think, some times we as mothers, need time off, so if you try to involve him, by leaving the baby with him for 2 hours at the most in the first time!
then everyday`s needs for the baby like preparing the bath, changing dipper, try to ask him for help,with out making it as an obligation matter or as if you are demanding ,until he gets used to take care of the baby just like you.

I wish it was that easy..

but thanks for the suggestion =)

Einas - posted on 02/17/2009

I think, some times we as mothers, need time off, so if you try to involve him, by leaving the baby with him for 2 hours at the most in the first time!

then everyday`s needs for the baby like preparing the bath, changing dipper, try to ask him for help,with out making it as an obligation matter or as if you are demanding ,until he gets used to take care of the baby just like you.