Ariana - posted on 01/11/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )
It's kind of complicated but basically I had a sort of minimeltdown (I know, not good but it happened) and got totally trashed and sent my sons biodad this long rambling facebook message. Since I opened the door to communicating with him he talked to me viafacebook and says he's interested in seeing my son.
The thing is what upset me a little is that he said that he feels like I never gave him a chance to see my son and I feel that is totally untrue.
I got pregnant and told him right away and at first he was supportive and then he got together with another girl and totally changed his tune, saying how he wasn't even sure if it was his etc. and even at that time (being 17) I told him I was willing to pay for a paternity test if he was unsure (even though I was pretty offended and know for a fact it is his, as he does also). So I tried to be calm about it.
Due to situations I moved in with my mom who (rightfully) despices him (since he was 23 at the time) and no one wanted me to talk to him. I didn't say that to him but he never contacted me even though he could have. I secretly hoped he'd talk to me but never did.
We ended up running into each other when my son was 11 months old and he had moved back in with his parents, at the time I told him I wasn't sure if he should be around my son because I was unsure of what to do and was, lets face it, young and insecure. I still liked him and I was at that point where part of me really wanted to talk to him and part of me was saying get away! and I was having a hard time dealing with it. Plus he was getting drunk and living back with his parents which I was worried about (obviously). Then he moved back in with his gf and he ignored me once again, ok.
Then twice he started contact with me saying how he wanted to see my son and how he loved me etc. Unbeknownst to me he was doing this every time he broke up with his gf, and I think it was to make her jealous. The last time we talked I told him very straightforwardly that I was unsure if I should trust him because he'd done this before and bailed before, and I was having a hard time with it. Of course he said no no that's not the case and I just started to believe him (I was careful not to bring my son around him the last time and was trying to be responsible but give him a chance) and as soon as he got back with his gf he didn't want to talk to me.
I was upset but I even tried to talk to him and tell him how I didn't care very much if he went back with his gf, that didn't bother me, but that he had said he wanted to see my son and I wanted to pursue that still and did he? He said no. So I cut off all contact with him, I just couldn't put up with his BS and back and forth using my child. It's one thing to play games with me of how he may or may not like me, I'm a big girl, but to say he's interested in my son, HIS son, and then toss him to the side again is not acceptable. The older I got and the more times he did this the more aware I was that this behavior was unacceptable.
I just thought my sons getting older and I don't want him seeing this man when he's more aware and then wondering where he went. A two year old doesn't really understand but a 3 or 4 year old is starting to figure this stuff out.
So for him to say I never game him a chance is a lie. I gave him plenty of chances and he ignored each of them.
I want my son to be able to see his father, but I am also worried about how his father acts (has a past history of drug use, and domestic violence although I've never seen that and he denighs that the domestic violence is true so I have no idea... the drug use is for sure though). He's always ending up moving when his life falls apart back to where I used to live (small town) etc.
My plan is to speak with him, and 1. Explain the chances he's had and that him saying I hadn't given him a chance is untrue. and 2. That for me to allow him to see my son I would like him to terminate his rights and he can see my son supervised by me.
I do not feel comfortable leaving my son with him alone. I am unsure as to how often my son should see him and for how long (a couple hours, a weekend?). I would not want my son near him unsupervised. He CAN be a great father, he CAN be a great person but he also CAN flip out or start doing drugs or lose his temper. My son is not a easy child, he is what I would call a energetic and 'strongwilled' child who needs a lot of boundaries. If you have a rule he'll push it, and then he'll push it agian, and again, and once more to see if it's still there. I don't know if my sons biodad could handle him without losing his temper on him and I don't want my son exposed to that (or possibly worse).
Am I right to do this? Should I be more lenient and try to allow him visitation? I don't want to set myself up to him trying to take my son in the future. When my son was born I would have been more willing but I was also younger and more niave, I would have allowed more unacceptable behavior than I will now. When we were together I drank and smoked weed, I sat with him playing video games and doing nothing, I dealt with his up and down moods but I was acting like an idiot. I have higher expectations now that I'm older and a mother who realizes a child needs stability and patience.
I just don't know what to do or what to say. I want to ask my parents or family for help but I know they'll just tell me not to speak with him at all. On one hand I worry about how he'll act but on the other my son deserves a father and his father went from being uninterested to interested. I don't want him growing up knowing he could have known him and that I kept him from him. But I also don't want my sons biodad doing something that could hurt my son in the future, he can be unstable.
I just feel like this is the middle ground, he can see my son but supervised so that he doesn't have the potention to hurt him somehow, or expose him to things he shouldn't be.
My greatest worry is that my sons biodad comes from an abusive family, I've seen his brother physically fight his step-dad and his sister fight her mom, I've seen him yelling and freaking out over nothing and storming off, I know he got in physical fights with his own father (who I've never met). My worst fear is that my son will get older and be at his house (or he'll try to take my son or my son will move there when he's older for some reason) and my sons biodad will get drunk and try to fight my son if he yells at him or something.
I just need some advice on what to do. I don't know what the best way to go about this is.
Sorry it's so long....