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Going to talk to sons biodad who has only seen him 3 times (he's 3 years old) and is finally interested in him. Not sure what I should say/do about everything...(LONG POST)

Ariana - posted on 01/11/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )

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It's kind of complicated but basically I had a sort of minimeltdown (I know, not good but it happened) and got totally trashed and sent my sons biodad this long rambling facebook message. Since I opened the door to communicating with him he talked to me viafacebook and says he's interested in seeing my son.

The thing is what upset me a little is that he said that he feels like I never gave him a chance to see my son and I feel that is totally untrue.

I got pregnant and told him right away and at first he was supportive and then he got together with another girl and totally changed his tune, saying how he wasn't even sure if it was his etc. and even at that time (being 17) I told him I was willing to pay for a paternity test if he was unsure (even though I was pretty offended and know for a fact it is his, as he does also). So I tried to be calm about it.

Due to situations I moved in with my mom who (rightfully) despices him (since he was 23 at the time) and no one wanted me to talk to him. I didn't say that to him but he never contacted me even though he could have. I secretly hoped he'd talk to me but never did.

We ended up running into each other when my son was 11 months old and he had moved back in with his parents, at the time I told him I wasn't sure if he should be around my son because I was unsure of what to do and was, lets face it, young and insecure. I still liked him and I was at that point where part of me really wanted to talk to him and part of me was saying get away! and I was having a hard time dealing with it. Plus he was getting drunk and living back with his parents which I was worried about (obviously). Then he moved back in with his gf and he ignored me once again, ok.

Then twice he started contact with me saying how he wanted to see my son and how he loved me etc. Unbeknownst to me he was doing this every time he broke up with his gf, and I think it was to make her jealous. The last time we talked I told him very straightforwardly that I was unsure if I should trust him because he'd done this before and bailed before, and I was having a hard time with it. Of course he said no no that's not the case and I just started to believe him (I was careful not to bring my son around him the last time and was trying to be responsible but give him a chance) and as soon as he got back with his gf he didn't want to talk to me.

I was upset but I even tried to talk to him and tell him how I didn't care very much if he went back with his gf, that didn't bother me, but that he had said he wanted to see my son and I wanted to pursue that still and did he? He said no. So I cut off all contact with him, I just couldn't put up with his BS and back and forth using my child. It's one thing to play games with me of how he may or may not like me, I'm a big girl, but to say he's interested in my son, HIS son, and then toss him to the side again is not acceptable. The older I got and the more times he did this the more aware I was that this behavior was unacceptable.

I just thought my sons getting older and I don't want him seeing this man when he's more aware and then wondering where he went. A two year old doesn't really understand but a 3 or 4 year old is starting to figure this stuff out.

So for him to say I never game him a chance is a lie. I gave him plenty of chances and he ignored each of them.

I want my son to be able to see his father, but I am also worried about how his father acts (has a past history of drug use, and domestic violence although I've never seen that and he denighs that the domestic violence is true so I have no idea... the drug use is for sure though). He's always ending up moving when his life falls apart back to where I used to live (small town) etc.

My plan is to speak with him, and 1. Explain the chances he's had and that him saying I hadn't given him a chance is untrue. and 2. That for me to allow him to see my son I would like him to terminate his rights and he can see my son supervised by me.

I do not feel comfortable leaving my son with him alone. I am unsure as to how often my son should see him and for how long (a couple hours, a weekend?). I would not want my son near him unsupervised. He CAN be a great father, he CAN be a great person but he also CAN flip out or start doing drugs or lose his temper. My son is not a easy child, he is what I would call a energetic and 'strongwilled' child who needs a lot of boundaries. If you have a rule he'll push it, and then he'll push it agian, and again, and once more to see if it's still there. I don't know if my sons biodad could handle him without losing his temper on him and I don't want my son exposed to that (or possibly worse).

Am I right to do this? Should I be more lenient and try to allow him visitation? I don't want to set myself up to him trying to take my son in the future. When my son was born I would have been more willing but I was also younger and more niave, I would have allowed more unacceptable behavior than I will now. When we were together I drank and smoked weed, I sat with him playing video games and doing nothing, I dealt with his up and down moods but I was acting like an idiot. I have higher expectations now that I'm older and a mother who realizes a child needs stability and patience.

I just don't know what to do or what to say. I want to ask my parents or family for help but I know they'll just tell me not to speak with him at all. On one hand I worry about how he'll act but on the other my son deserves a father and his father went from being uninterested to interested. I don't want him growing up knowing he could have known him and that I kept him from him. But I also don't want my sons biodad doing something that could hurt my son in the future, he can be unstable.

I just feel like this is the middle ground, he can see my son but supervised so that he doesn't have the potention to hurt him somehow, or expose him to things he shouldn't be.

My greatest worry is that my sons biodad comes from an abusive family, I've seen his brother physically fight his step-dad and his sister fight her mom, I've seen him yelling and freaking out over nothing and storming off, I know he got in physical fights with his own father (who I've never met). My worst fear is that my son will get older and be at his house (or he'll try to take my son or my son will move there when he's older for some reason) and my sons biodad will get drunk and try to fight my son if he yells at him or something.

I just need some advice on what to do. I don't know what the best way to go about this is.

Sorry it's so long....

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8 Comments

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Kathy - posted on 01/11/2013

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Most courts won't allow a father to just sign over rights. There would have to be someone adopting him. And no offense I know you were young but you slept with him and got pregnant. The courts will give him rights if he takes you. But if you work something out to meet in the middle and have the courts okay it then it's legally binding. I am going through it right now. He ignored my son for 4.5 years stated that entire time he would let my spouse adopt him then when we got married and started getting everything together for it, we got papers in the mail from the courts stating he wanted visitation. Now my spouse has raised my son since he was five months old. But the courts still see the bio dad as someone who should be in his life. I had never denied him visitation and always tried to work something out but he never would and now the courts granted him unsupervised visitation each time longer than the last until it starts to gl to overnights. My suggestion is to work something out with him now. And to make sure to tell your son the truth. He may not fully understand but he can't get mad at you for lying. I hope this helps.

Dove - posted on 01/11/2013

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Ditto Jodi. Believe me, I FULLY understand and support your feelings on the matter. It really, really sucks, but your son will be ok. I know you will make sure of that. It's hard and it's not 'fair' and you just want to scream and smack someone, but.... that's us moms. The kids are way more mellow and resilient about it. If he has a 'sometimes Dad'... it'll just be normal life to him. WE are the ones that hurt more for our babies cuz WE know what they deserve. You just have to work extra hard to 'fill in the gap' for him.

Jodi - posted on 01/11/2013

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I get that it isn't fair, and I get that you are angry that he ignored (kind of) him for 3 years, I sympathise with that. I have a 15 year old son who actually said to me about his own father that he feels "unwanted" by him for various reasons (long story). But his relationship with his dad is NOT my right to control unless there is abuse and harm. And my 15 year old and I have a VERY strong relationship. His kind of, sort of relationship with his dad is NOT screwing him up.

Children only need one stable parent. As long as they know when they are with that parent their life is secure and comfortable, they will be fine. Children are much more resilient than we give them credit for.

You obviously asked this question for a reason, and I suspect it is because you are trying very hard to work your way through the issues. I know I am playing the devil's advocate in a way. Sometimes we all need one of those. The fact is. it doesn't matter if he hasn't known him for the last 3 years. Yes, you would still be the one seen as stopping the relationship if you put a stop to visitations. Your son won't turn out like his dad if you are a strong influence in his life. What makes you think that his father will have more influence over him, with supervised or minimal visitation, than you would?

Take it from someone who has been there, my son is NOT influenced by his father. Not at all. My ex is abusive, a smoker, smokes dope, etc, and my son is the gentlest soul you'd ever meet. He is into his sport and therefore interested in taking care of his health, he is non-confrontational and likes to discuss his concerns with me calmly and respectfully. My son is very much a follower in life, he is often easily influenced (we've had issues with that here and there, but never because he was following his father).

Like Dove said, getting a notarised agreement would be preferable, but you DO need to involve the court in some way. Maybe, after some time with supervised visitation, as your son gets older, you may be comfortable with more time and overnights.

Forcing your ex to sign over his rights is extreme, and I think you should take that option out of the equation.

Ariana - posted on 01/11/2013

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I understand where it's coming from, but HE chose to ignore HIS son for 3 years and even the times he finally did mention him were either when I had come across him, or talked to him, or when he was trying to make his ex jealous.

I mean he and his fiance have lost custody of her 4 children, he's just getting over (supposedly) his drug problems. It's not fair that I have to make these decisions and worry about all this BS. I lose if I do and I lose if I don't. Either I let some imbecile into my childs life or I get blamed for not letting him have a dad, and either way he gets off scottfree.

I mean where was he the god knows how many months he pretended my son didn't exist? The three times I've had to bring him to the hospital, nowhere, acting like a druggie and bouncing from girl to girl and back to home. My sons got a very high temperment and is easily influenced, I don't want him turning out like his biodad because I decided to let him near him.

It's just such a stupid situation to be in and everythings on me no matter what I do.

Dove - posted on 01/11/2013

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I agree with both of Jodi's posts.

The court doesn't have to make the decisions if you and your ex can work it out. Maybe he would agree to supervised visits. Getting an agreement notarized by the courts would protect your son.

Making him sign over his rights in order to see his son is using your child as a pawn to get what you want out of the ex. I know you are just trying to protect him and I certainly don't blame you for that, but he is the father... even if he sucks.

Jodi - posted on 01/11/2013

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I'm not sure I quite understand why you don't want a court involved. You seem to think the court wouldn't grant him unsupervised access (all that information that you didn't give in your OP) and yet you don't want them involved? Having him sign over his rights isn't the answer. I don't think it is fair to say "I will only let you see him if you sign over your rights". That's just not okay in my view. You are essentially holding your son hostage to have your ex comply with what you want.

Ariana - posted on 01/11/2013

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I highly doubt he would be able to get visitation through the courts. He got kicked out by social services from his fiance (who has 4 children) and now she's been kicked out and all the children are living with her mother.

So if social services doesn't want him around those 4 I highly doubt a judge would let him around my son. He has another son he sees, another one no one talks about (probably like my son) who he hasn't acknowledged, and another one who's mother does not allow him access even though they were living together. If he hasn't got a court date with that boy (who knows him) I highly suspect a judge will not allow him access to my son who he ignored for 3 years.

I'm not saying I don't want to let him near him, I just don't want a court involved where he can have my son for overnights etc. I don't know how he'll act or what he'll do unsupervised. He is a stranger to my son and, frankly, to me also.

That is why I'm concerned, I don't want my son thinking I kept him from him, but I'm not comfortable with him alone with his biodad. That's why I want him to sign his rights over before I let him see him.

Jodi - posted on 01/11/2013

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I am of the opinion that you should never close the door on a child developing a relationship with the other parent. I have asked this question before and I will ask it of you. When your son is a teenager, and he asks why he doesn't know his father, do you want to be the one to say that it was because you wouldn't allow it? Or would you rather he not have that relationship because his DAD chose not to nurture it? Don't be the one who is to blame for lack of any sort of relationship between the two of them. As long as there is no abuse, and your son is safe, you should allow the relationship to take its natural course. If your son doesn't wish to continue that relationship when he is old enough to make that choice, then that will be on him, but don't make it your choice.

Now, having said that, I would definitely suggest you make sure you go through the courts to set up any visitation schedule. You could always set up supervised visitations initially, while the two of them get to know each other, and then gradually move to overnight visits, etc. A court would likely grant him visitation anyway, if he decided to pursue it, so you are better off negotiating with him a deal you can both live with. But you NEED to get it court ordered, otherwise, as the father (and without knowing where you live), he may also have the right to not return the child to you, and you don't want to go down that path.

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