Grandma goes against the grain. . .

Kathy - posted on 02/09/2010

Hi Olivia, this is a really tricky situation, isn't it?

I've been there - my mum was always commenting about my parenting practices, generally in front of the kids. She took it upon herself to slap them, when I told her over and over I didn't (and still don't) believe in corporal punishment etc etc. I tried not to take it to heart, but just kept explaining why I did things the way I did. Mum really was concerned that I was doing the wrong thing and was worried. But I found it hugely frustrating.

I'm a grandmother myself now, and remembering how cranky I used to get with my mum I make great efforts to keep my mouth shut when I'm visiting my daughter's family. But it is hard when you don't get to see them often - we always think we know best!

So I would suggest that you keep telling your mum that you don't like her interfering, talk about your reasons for doing things and ask her politely to back you up.

A. Violetta - posted on 02/05/2010

You need to act now before your resentment towards your mother grows to an uncontrolable size....and you say things you would later regret.

You need to set the rules and be firm about them. She has two choices, 1. to follow them and 2. to stop coming to stay altogether. Ask her to imagine how she would feel if her mother had done that to her???.. and try to imagine how you would feel if it was your mother in law??

It soulds to me that your mother is trying to sort out her own problems while behaving this way towards you and your children. What was she like with you when you were growing up?? How was her mother towards her?? If at all possible have some time just the two of you and find out what is at the bottom of it. Ask her to imagine how she would feel if her mother had done that to her???.. and try to imagine how you would feel if it was your mother in law?? All the best to you.

Brittany - posted on 02/05/2010

Have you tried voicing you concern's to her (alone of course)? While I understand what Mrs. Patricia means I don't think it applies to every situation. If you haven't sat her down and talked to her I would do so, and if you have I would show her that your serious. I would explain to her that she can't come and stay weeks at a time if she is coming with the intention of upsetting your household. I had a situation similar to this at one time, only it was my grandmother. I was very firm, but my grandmother didn't do such a great job raising her kids and my mom didn't even raise us (me and my brother), we raised ourselves. Explain to her that while she may be well intentioned, and loves her grandchildren, that they are YOUR children and you have certain rules and expectations that are to be followed whether or not she is around and that if she can't comply she is showing that she doesn't respect you and therefore it is not a good idea for her to come stay under your roof. I would explain that when or if I need advice I would ask for it, but otherwise not to give it.

Patricia - posted on 02/05/2010

This was a very appropriate response. Someday all of you hopefully will be a grandparent .
Most Grandparents don't mean any harm or disrespect, let them enjoy their time with you and the kids without all the rules and regulations that are harmless!!!!!!!!
Smile and love your parents and be thankful they want to spend time with you and the children, they won't be araound forever.Give them credit where it is deserved, they raised you didn't they? They must have had some wisdom. Thank them, don't BASH them!

Julie - posted on 02/04/2010

Ok, I am going to be the bad guy here and say you have to take some things into consideration before you put your planned defense in play. First, how often does you mom get to see the kids? If like my parents it isnt often you have to allow some room for error. While your mom should respect your rules, you also have to accept that like most grandparents they think of their time as fun time and dont want to be considered as the bad guys. I would have to draw the line if it were something harmful to the kids and if she questioned you just firmly say these are the rules in our house. There is no need to discuss it further or get defensive. If she does just remind her that growing up you had rules and you turned out pretty well. She cant argue that one. With regards to the school issues, was she just being a good grandmother and proudly saying these are my grandkids or was it more than that? If it was again draw a line and state your position but dont be defensive on it. I love my parents and they dont get to see my kids nearly as often as either of us would like due to distance. I understand that when they come they are here to have fun and enjoy the kids. Just remember that she is your mom and give her the respect that you are asking of her.

Abbie - posted on 02/03/2010

What I would do if that was my mom, is sit her down when she gets there, with out the kids around. Tell her Mom, here is the deal- last time you were here you did a few things that I didn't appreciate. And explain them. Tell her they are your children, you are raising them as you see fit. With that being said, tell her you may not approve of how I parent, but I am not asking for your approval ( unless you are) and tell her while she is there, she is not to "rescue them" If she bucks about it, I would then tell her its none of her GD business.........lol



I agree with Tracey and the points to make a list. Also how old are the kids? I would also inform them, Gramma is not here to let you get away with things. If I give you a time out I mean it, no running to gramma!

Sneaky - posted on 02/02/2010

Thanks, I hope it helps!

Olivia - posted on 02/02/2010

Thank you Tracey. I'll be reading your response over and over again. I'll probably print it out as well, so I'll have a guideline. Thanks.

Sneaky - posted on 02/01/2010

I don't know how much help I will be here - I am usually a pretty cranky person anyway and if I thought my MIL or mother was stepping over the boundaries I might just be cranky enough to say "this is none of your GD business!" :o) It would certainly get their attention!



Of course, trying to sit down and talk with her gently is probably the more mature route to take :o) If I was in this situation I would actually write myself a list of points that I wanted to communicate (just so we did not get off track with arguing or the crying and emotional blackmail that so many grandma's seem so good at!). The list would go something like: a) I know you love them and you only have their best interest at heart, b) I know you love me and you want to help me as much as you can, but you are actually making my life harder, c) these are MY children and I am using the discipline techniques that I have researched, that I am comfortable with and that are generally recommended in this day and age - things have changed a lot since I was a child, d) some things just are NOT your business and I feel that you are crossing a boundary when you discuss things with my children's teachers - you are not their primary carer, I am! If she did start the emotional blackmail stuff I would be ready to come back with responses such as 'but you make me feel so bad about myself when you do that, like I am a terrible mother!', etc.



That is were I would start anyway. If the situation did not improve then I would have two choices - bite my lip and wait for the monsters to come home to roost (you can bet she will not be able to discipline them if she is babysitting them! Let them wreak her house!!!) or tell her calmly and firmly that I can not handle the constant interference any more, that she is making it very hard for me to feel confident as a mother and that I would prefer it if she did not visit for a substantial amount of time . . like six months or longer. Because if she seriously does not get that YOU are the mummy and she is the grandma then I think you are totally within your rights to make that very, very clear. Your kids will be happier when they are not getting mixed messages about discipline, you will be happier and hopefully grandma will get a very big wake-up call.



Good luck!