Grandmother and Daycare Issue

Julia - posted on 11/16/2012 ( 23 moms have responded )

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Hello,



I need some help/opinions on an issue I'm having with going back to work. After my first maternity leave, my mother-in-law decided she wanted to watch our daughter for one day at week, and we would take her to daycare the remaining days. This arrangement worked well for us. Grandma got her special time with our daughter, but we didn't overburden her as full time babysitter.



However, I'm going back to work now after my second child, and we're having difficulty deciding what to do about her "play day". She made it clear to us that she did not want to watch both at the same time. She wanted to alternate Fridays off with each child. We told her we weren't comfortable with that because the other child would feel upset when they had to leave for daycare, and the other got to stay home (i.e. tantrum time). I don't believe the kids are old enough to understand that arrangement. So grandma got very upset and said that it was her way or not at all. Since that discussion, she has indirectly let me know that she intends to keep babysitting my older child, and let my younger go to daycare full time.



I think that is even worse, because now she appears to be favoring my oldest. It's making me quite upset because I'm already sad about having to leave my youngest for work. I'm about to tell her we want to do daycare full time for both, to avoid hurt feelings for both my kids..but I do think there is some benefit to her spending time with them (even if it is only one of them?).



This is my mother-in-law, and she's very quick to anger..so I'm just looking for some feedback before I make any decisions.



Thanks everyone.

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Dove - posted on 11/16/2012

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How old is your older daughter? Is she going to be better or worse off for missing that time with Grandma? What is wrong with letting each child have a special day with Grandma (I'm actually in favor of this idea) since the next week it would be the other child's turn? They may not get that right away, but it wouldn't take long for them to adjust and probably even like the idea of having Grandma all to themselves every other week.



Those are just some of the questions I would sort out before coming to my decision. Her trying to bully me (you guys) would also play into my decision making. Good luck!

Amanda - posted on 11/17/2012

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It will be tough now (tantrums) but it will teach your children a valuable lesson about taking turns if they each get a day with grandma every other week. My mother also has strict boundaries about taking both of my kids at one time, because it is much more difficult to handle two small kids than to hang out with either one of them solo.

Judy - posted on 11/17/2012

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I think you should let them go to grandma every other week. They are only young one and this is the time they can make special memories with grandma. If you take them both to daycare full time then your younger child will never have that bond with grandma that the older one has. Don't take that opportunity away from her because you don't want to deal with a few weeks of transition time. They will adjust in a short amount of time and the life time bonds made with grandma will be worth it!! I should also tell you that I own/run a child care center and

Ariana - posted on 11/16/2012

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If you wish for her to see one at a time that is alright, or if you want to tell her to leave you alone and if she's unwilling to see both then she doesn't get to see either, that is alright; what ISN'T alright is to allow her to watch one child and ignore the other. If you allow that it is setting that other child up to always be second-best to your MIL. It is really unfair to your younger child to go to daycare all week and then your oldest child gets to have special time with granma.



You can either go her way and let her see each one on a seperate day or (and I would probably be inclinded to do this) tell her that she has TWO grandchildren and there is no way you're going to allow her to show favourtism for one over the other, if she doesn't want both of them then she's choosing to see neither.



Don't let your MIL bully you into being unfair with your children. It's understandable that she might like the older child since she's spent more time with her but that's no excuse to allow her to show blatent favourtism. You might be better off allowing her to see one at a time so she can bond with the younger one. If she has them both at the same time she'll be resentful and probably lavish the older child because that's the one she really wants to spend time with.



Personally I'd tell her I guess both kids are going into daycare full-time then and leave it at that. What's your husband think about all of this? He's the one who should really be talking to her.

Brandy - posted on 11/18/2012

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It may be easier for your mother in law to watch the oldest because she is older and babies are hard work. Also the smallest being in daycare may be better for maintaining a schedule. Does she plan on taking both when the youngest is a certain age? What is her reasoning behind not watching both kids? Maybe you can let your MIL pick one up from daycare on her day--that way they both GO to daycare, but every other week they get a nice surprise from grandma picking them up early. Maybe you can get her to pick the other one up later that day so they both feel special that day. Good luck!!

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Eleanor - posted on 11/21/2012

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See if I understand, your mother in law is willing to spend time with both of your children one on one to build a special bond with them, but you are not willoing because it may inconvince you (tantrum time). Do you know how many people would love to have a mother or mother in law take their kids even for one day. It is hard to build a unique relationship with each child if they are always together. Let your children be individuals with your mother in law

Ashley - posted on 11/20/2012

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if she can not do it the way you and your husband have agreed, then put them both in daycare full time. it is not fair to the children, especially the favortism. or maybe on fridays, she can take one and someone else in the family could take the other and switch every week. but if not, explain to her that they are your children and you and your husband think it is best for the children to go to her house the same day, if she doesnt like it, then tell her the children will be going to daycare full time and she can see them on the weekends. it is not her way or no way, they are your children so it is your way or no way. you have to let her know who makes the decisions over your children now, or she will never stop and it will only get worse.

Shawnn - posted on 11/19/2012

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YOu're paying for 5 full days at daycare, whether they're there or not. Take them to daycare during the week, and get your money's worth. Grandma can have them on alternating saturdays.



It's nice that she wants to spend time with your oldest, but they're both her grandchildren, and she'd better get used to treating them fairly. Otherwise, it causes problems with the kids when Grandma shows favoritism. She either spends one day with your daughter and one day with your son, or none with either

Patricia - posted on 11/19/2012

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You have to look out for what's best for your kids. Although they may be too young to know better now, as they get older it will become an issue of favoritism. Kids do notice. When my kids were young, my in-laws did not agree with them going to pre-school at all. They are a year apart. I would pay the in-law to watch the kids and would have done so part-time if it was an option. I had to decide whether it was going to be their way or whats best for my kids. Since they weren't willing to compromise, both kids went to preschool full-time. As a mother, you have to decide what's best for your kids. If the in-law doesn't agree or is not wiling to compromise there is nothing you could do. As long as you are respectful to the in-law, eventually she will come around if being around the kids is important to her. Just do what you have to do and give her time.

Marianne - posted on 11/18/2012

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I agree with you that you don't want her showing favouritism towards your children. my mother looked after my first born son until he was 2 and a half. when my daughter came along she was supposed to look after her until she was the same age. unfortunately my mom got ill and couldn't cope with my daughter at home full day. we put my daughter into daycare from 11 months old. my mother now picks them up at 2pm every day and they spend the afternoons with her until 6pm when we get home. this is more than enough for my mother as the two vying for attention is a lot of work. i can understand why your MIL doesn't want both from morning to evening on the same day. it is very hard work for someone her age to look after two small children. I know from personal experience. I agree with BRANDY ANDREWS above. send them both to daycare every day and let your MIL pick one up a bit later in the day. then about an hour before they would normally be fetched let her pick the other one up so they both feel special that day and the next week she fetches the other one early and so forth. then they both get time together with granny and seperately without the feelings of abandonment or favouritism coming through. they will eventually get used to the arrangement (only a week or two) and they will look forward to their time with granny. also if she fetches the one an hour before normal she only has the two together for an hour so it won't tire her out so much. my kids time with my mom is very precious and with their grandfather is even more precious. don't take that away from them but also don't allow her to dictate how to raise your kids. good luck and i hope it all works out for you

Sarah - posted on 11/18/2012

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I would do the alternating Fridays, to me it's the kind of thing that kids learn to adapt to if we ask them to and hold them to our expectations of them. I would tell your older child in advance of what's going to happen and how it's going to work out. If/when she throws a fit, you remind her that we talked about this and that next Friday will be her time with Gran... She will get used to it. Kids adapt when we ask them to, especially if we show them with consistency that how we have told them it will be is how it will be! Good luck!! :D

Julia - posted on 11/18/2012

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Thanks everyone for the advice. Right now I'm leaning towards rotating time off, and seeing how it goes. I will be firm with her about sharing her time equally between the kids though.

Julia - posted on 11/18/2012

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"With the daycare my child goes to we have to pay if she goes or not so if we had the option of her missing a day at daycare to be with her Gran we would still have to pay for that day. Is that the same for you or not? "



Would still have to pay..

Aimee - posted on 11/18/2012

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i think your mother in law has a brilliant idea actually. What a great way to build a relationship with your children in their own very special way! What a great way to make your children feel special. Stop looking at the negative and look for the positive.

Sue - posted on 11/18/2012

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With the daycare my child goes to we have to pay if she goes or not so if we had the option of her missing a day at daycare to be with her Gran we would still have to pay for that day. Is that the same for you or not?

Melodie - posted on 11/17/2012

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Follow your heart! But as long as each is getting the same amount of time with Grandma, they should be fine. My daughter felt like that when she had two and there were times they got upset, but then they figured out they had all of Grandma's attention when they went by them selves and started looking forward to it.



You love your children, they will thrive with any decision you make. I pray this is the hardest decision you ever have to make as a mother.

Amy - posted on 11/17/2012

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I say daycare. If you still want them to have time with grandma, maybe they an have a play date on the weekends. You should not be put in this position of "my way or the highway". It's total BS. They are YOUR children, not hers, so do what YOU feel is best. Don't let her push you around.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/16/2012

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I would completely put them both in daycare. Screw it. Not worth the tears, and upset mum. She doesn't want to help, then don't let her.

Julia - posted on 11/16/2012

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My older daughter is almost 3, and my son will be 1 soon. The reason I'm hesitant to alternate is because once grandma is over, my daughter will not willingly go to daycare. We tested it a few times. Giving up time with Grandma is also not ideal..that's the dilemma. Maybe they'll grow into handling it, but right now it causes a lot of tears.

Lacye - posted on 11/16/2012

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I would just send them both to daycare. They are your kids and she has no right to tell you what to do with them.



Personally, I would tell her she can take her snotty attitude and shove it. :D But that's just me. lol

Julia - posted on 11/16/2012

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Thanks for the help. My husband agrees with me. He doesn't want to see any favoritism, but he doesn't want to split them up either (they'll be going to the same daycare). I will make my husband do most of the dirty work in the end with her..but we have to decide first what to do. Unfortunately I might have to get involved, because she never listens to what he has to say :/ She is quite a bully to him.

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