Grandparent problem: Whose child?

Cheri' - posted on 03/24/2010

i definately think u have the right to say that to her. maybe because she didnt have children of her own and didnt get to see her step children grow up since they were babies, she feels like he is her mother in a way... was she never able to have children? she needs to realize YOU are the mother NOT her and you and ur fiance makes all the decisions for him. i kinda had the same situation but instead of taking him places with out telling me they would drink so when i would pick my son up his grandma and/or her boyfriend (who i absolutely hate!!) would be drunk, so it could be alot worse.... it takes alot to stand up to a family member especially when they arent ur blood relative, but they have to realize they are our children so we can decide who they are with, when they go and where they go. and if you wanted to u could make sure they dont take your child some where just like i can say they cant spend alone with my son! i have spoken to her twice, i am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt bc i love her and she loves my son but now i make sure when he goes there its a certain time of day when i know they wont be drinking and specifically tell her i dont want her or him drinking while they are around my son. its been about 4 months since i have talken to her last and my son is 6 months now so it def has improved. i still havent had the guts to tell her i dont want her boyfriend around my son. but i did tell him that i dont want him to hold my son if he has been drinking, its a step though! good luck i hope this helps!

Kathleen - posted on 03/24/2010

she may not have meant anything by what they did. YES he is your son and u have the final say. if u don't do anything about now when he gets older he will play all of u against each other. my daughter does that between all of us. good luck i will pray 4 u.

Sharon - posted on 03/24/2010

LMFAO she's a nut job. I expect my HUSBAND and father of my children to tell me where he is taking the kids.

Its a safety thing! "hey hun we're going to town." If I'm just sitting in the livingroom and he walks past with all three kids and doesn't say anything, um I'd be a little freaked to find they had all just left.

So yeah, the grandparent and the step grandparent need a reality check.

Crissy - posted on 03/24/2010

ive struggled with this a lot from all of the grandparents in my kids lives (they have 3 sets not to mention great grands) especailly since we have chosen to have low sugar diets, i constantly have to tell the grands that NO he cannot have a basket of candy everytime you see him, NO he is not allowed to have soda AT ALL until he is 10 even if you water it down, and when my MIL was forcefully moving my husbands hand from over my sons mouth to feed him cake after we said no i spoke up "HEY WE ARE THE PARENTS AND WE SAID NO" she then said "well ill just have to pump you full of sugar when mom leaves you with us and" i just grabed my son and said "I AM THE MOTHER BEFORE YOU ARE THE GRANDMOTHER, we love you want want you to be part of his life but by telling him that the rules dont matter when mom leaves the room you are not telling him grandma is fun you are telling him that what i say does not matter and you setting me up to fail as a parent, and if you cannot follow our very simple rules while alone with my son then you will not be alone with MY son" it shut her up and the rules are followed every time now

you are the mom and you have every right to speak up when you feel someone is undermining your parenting, the way people treat your rules or speak to you in front of your child affects how your child treats you and what they think of your authority speak up and dont let them push you over when she goes through 9 mos of struggle and 24/7 of parenting she can decide how things work with HER child but either way yours is YOURS and you call the shots!

Sue - posted on 03/23/2010

My mother in law called both of our children "ours" including herself in that. And yes, it bothered me. It bothers me more that she thinks she is more in charge than we are. When I was pregnant with our first child my husband and I asked her not to do something that she mentioned with our baby and her response was "You don't know what I will do when you're not around". I did not find that funny. There has to be a line of respect and understanding that the parents are in charge, not the grandparents. This is still a problem for us and our son is 6. Good luck.

SarahJane - posted on 03/23/2010

I think if your fiancee is having difficulties talking to her then call a family meeting. Get the problem out in the open!

Dana - posted on 03/21/2010

I just thought I'd throw in a different angle. You say it is your right to know where your child is; however, it is actually your responsibility to know where your child is. You and your fiancee are his parents, and therefore his legal guardians, not his grandparents or anyone else. You have the responsibility for his welfare, so you must know where he is.

He might be their grandson, so they do have right to see him and do activities with him, but always with your permission. Apart from that, it is just common courtesy to let you know where he is. You wouldn't let you teenage child go out without telling you where they are going, so why should it be any different for a baby?

Iridescent - posted on 03/21/2010

You were not out of line, and you handled it quite well and firmly. It should settle the issue, but if it doesn't, don't be afraid to make yourself clear again.

Myra - posted on 03/21/2010

You two are the parents, and you have the authority to make any and all decisions for him...including who he is around. You have every right to tell anyone, including grandparents, that they can't see him.

It may have been the wrong place being in public and all, but the time was right, in my opinion. If you had let her just take off with him, you would have just been more mad (mostly at yourself for not saying something earlier).

How do you make it clear that they are important? Easy. Just keep doing things together as a family, grandparents, too...and say no to the things regarding him that you don't want, and yes to the things you do. Yes is probably more important to say to show you need them than anything. Also remember the general pleasantries...please and thank you to show they mean a lot to not just your son and you respect their position in his life, but also your life.

Leah - posted on 03/21/2010

I think that you had the right to say what you did. She needs to realize that this is your child and you raise it how you want. I had the same problems with my parents. My mom would take compliments like my child was hers, and it took a while before she got it through her head.I had to be blunt with her, and she was mad at first but then got over it. So i guess maybe just really express how you feel to her and have her think of herself in your situation...

Stevie - posted on 03/21/2010

i think you were completely right to tell her that im fighting a situation kind of like that with my mil but anyways i guess you just have to beat it in her or something idk how to that that clear except not let her have anything to do with him maybe or something ya know im not saying to not let her see him or anything but you know not give her that right to do anything

Alycia - posted on 03/21/2010

You absolutely have the right to tell her that. It IS your child and you need to know what your son is doing at all times.

You should call her and tell her that you two need to talk. Tell her just like you've told us. It's very important that they are in his life and you love and appreciate them. The fact is that he is your child and it's important for you to know where he'll be. If there is an emergancy with you or his father, you need to be able to know where he is. That is just one of 100 differant circumstances that are relavent to how important that a parent know where their child it.

Megan - posted on 03/21/2010

i think you had a right to say something, they cant treat him like he's their son, he's their grandchild its very different. they also have no right to take him without you're permission i think you need to sit down and talk about this as it could get worse, but you dont want your son to miss out having them in his life.

my parents are also divorced my dad doesnt have much to with us unless he wants to, so he doesnt have any say in anything, my mum is very close to us and my little boy loves her so much, but she will do and wont do almost everything i ask, there are little things that she doesnt or does do she calls this 'nana's privalige'. which i dont mind so much. dont get me started on the in laws!!!



sorry to go on, i hope you get this sorted and everything is ok x

Alice - posted on 03/21/2010

I think you have a right to know where your child is going, who your child is going with, how long they will be gone and what they will be doing! That is your child and your right. Don't ever let anyone bully you into doing something that you don't want to do.

Diane - posted on 03/21/2010

I know you are so upset I can tell. I think you should tell them what you just told us. Tell them how much they mean to the both of you, that you feel bad and do not want problems. But that you are the little ones parents and they decisions will be made by you. This does not at least in my opinion have anything to do with divorced parents. No one should tell you what to do but rather make positive suggestions.
Remember they are new at this grandparent game too. You probably should not have rolled your eyes, but just said, you know what, we want to be with our child right now.
She certainly should not have yelled. If this woman is on your fiances side then he needs to step up to the plate and talk to her.
Your son is not theirs but I would bet they are proud like I am of their grandbaby and just want time with him. I became a grandmother for the first time last week and I am feeling the ground as well with my son and his wife. They need to be patient and respect your wishes.......yelling in a store in no way does this.
How old is your child? How long has this power struggle been going on?

SarahJane - posted on 03/21/2010

You have the right to decide what is best for your child! If she cannot understand that then she can have supervised visits which I know that no grandparent wants. If you cannot trust them to be where they are supposed to then what else is going on that you don't know?

Nikkole - posted on 03/21/2010

i think you had alright to. i would sit down with them with your fiance's and tell them how you feel and remember them that he is your sons, and you say what go's and dosent go. my parents are divorce too and so is my boyfriends so it makes it hard. my mom gets so mad them my dad watch my lil girl with his girlfriend they have been toghter over a year now. she yelled at me one day bc she dosent want rylie calling her grandma. i told her it wasnt up to her what my lil girl calls her its up to me and my boyfriend and my dad, she didnt talk to me for a whole week;